Reason to Breathe (18 page)

I turned to look at him, confused by his
fervent reaction.

“I don’t understand why they can’t see who
you really are and allow you to live a little. You know - go to
football games, dances or even on a date.” He was speaking louder,
more agitated as he completed his thoughts.

“No, you don’t understand,” I said quietly,
but firmly, taking in his agitation. His reaction bothered me. He
shouldn’t care if they knew me or not. He was just supposed to
accept my answers and let it go. “I think I should get back to the
library.” I turned, leaving him looking after me as I entered the
car.

Evan slipped quietly onto the driver’s seat
and hesitated before starting the car.

“Emma, I’m sorry.” I looked out the window,
not ready to face him. “You’re right, I don’t know. If it’s none of
my business, then I promise not to bring it up again. I didn’t mean
to make you upset.” His voice was quiet and pleading. I heard his
sincerity through my defenses.

“It
is
none of your business,” I
confirmed quietly, still not looking at him. He started the car,
and we drove away in silence. “And I’m not mad at you.” I looked
over at him with a soft smile to convince him I wasn’t – he smiled
back. My cheeks flooded instantly with heat.

“Do you think you and Sara could get out of
watching the JV game to get pizza or something on Wednesday?” I
smiled, recognizing he wasn’t ready to give up trying to stretch my
boundaries.

“I think so.”

Evan and I continued as if the conversation
never happened. He didn’t talk about my lack of freedom, and I
didn’t push him away. We had our driving lesson on Tuesday and
pizza with Sara and Jason on Wednesday. My world revolved in a
fairly predictable rotation, despite Evan’s impulsive persistence –
determined to be a bad influence. Miraculously, I was still able to
avoid Carol for the most part. Each day, I found it easier to
smile.

To top it all off, the soccer team was locked
in as the division champions. We had one game left of the regular
season before the state championship playoffs. Coach Peña revealed
he’d been taping my games to send highlights to college recruiters.
I didn’t realize he’d been doing this, but the knowledge that more
schools were interested made me believe that escape was actually
possible. He even warned that more scouts may be attending the
first round of the playoffs. For the first time, my life felt
livable.

13.
Replaced

“You’ve
changed,” Sara observed when we drove home on Friday.

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s not bad,” she said quickly. “I think
it’s Evan – he’s made you… happier. I like seeing you like this.” I
absorbed her words with my eyes scrunched. She continued, ignoring
my reaction. “Why aren’t you dating him yet?”

“Are you done?” I asked dubiously.

“What?!”

“Sara, I cannot date anyone, forget about
Evan Mathews,” I declared. “And despite your assumptions, he really
doesn’t want to date me.”

“Em, you’re seriously blind. Why
wouldn’t
he want to date you? He spends just about every
second that he can with you.”

“We’re friends,” I stressed.

“Whatever you have to say to convince
yourself,” Sara said, shaking her head. “But did you know that he’s
been asked out by several girls and won’t even give them the time
of day?”

I shrugged, but a smirk crept on my face in
hearing this. Sara eyed me with a small shake of her head as she
pulled up in front of my house.

“I’ll pick you up at two o’clock tomorrow,”
Sara said as I got out of the car.

“Have fun at the game tonight,” I told her,
leaning in the car. “All the nominees get announced onto the field
at half time, right?” She rolled her eyes at the thought of being
paraded in front of the spectators. I laughed and closed the
door.

~~~~~

I practically hummed through my chores the
next morning. I was looking forward to getting out of the house for
the last game before the playoffs and the ice cream Evan, Sara and
I were going to try to sneak in on the way home. After replacing
the trash bag in the kitchen, I turned to go back to my room to
find Carol blocking my path.

“What are you up to?” she demanded.

“I don’t understand,” I said slowly,
recognizing the fire in her eyes. My body tensed, evaluating her
stance and checking to see if she was holding anything in her
hands. Her hands were empty and set firmly on her hips.

“Are you fucking someone?” she accused with
disgust. My jaw dropped open. “I don’t know what you’re up to, but
you don’t seem to care about anyone other than yourself - even more
than usual. When I figure it out, you’ll wish you never treated me
with such disrespect.”

Confusion swirled with anxiety as the tension
continued to build. I couldn’t find the words to provide her with
the proper answer to her illogical accusations.

“Maybe you should be spending more time at
home, so I know what you’re up to.”

“I’m sorry,” I blurted, not knowing what else
to say. I was terrified by the thought of being confined within
these walls any longer than I was already sentenced, and it was the
first thing that came out of my mouth. My head rocked to the right
as her closed fist collided with my jaw. My hand instinctively
covered where she made contact as my eyes watered from the force of
the blow.

A sharp breath inhaled, but not from me,
followed by whimpers. I looked toward the small sounds and found
Jack and Leyla standing with big eyes in the dining room. Leyla was
crying, her sobs muffled by her small hand that hung from her
mouth. Big tears soaked her soft, round cheeks. Jack was silent,
but his wide shocked eyes were more painful than Leyla’s
uncontrollable sobs. My heart broke as I stepped to comfort them.
Carol grabbed my arm, stopping me.

“Look what you’ve done,” she growled, glaring
at me with her cold hateful eyes. “Get out of my sight.” I allowed
the heart wrenching image of Leyla and Jack’s terrified faces to
brand me before retreating to my room.

I threw myself on my bed and cried into my
pillow. My heart ached as their image continued to burn in my head.
They were never supposed to see. It was never supposed to touch
them. I couldn’t contain my spasms as I cried harder, stifling my
moans with my pillow. I was supposed to protect them from this. The
guilt consumed me until I couldn’t cry anymore and sunk into a
draining sleep.

My body tensed with a streak of pain across
the back of my legs. I shook out of my slumber, not certain if I’d
dreamt it. The second lash against my bare skin confirmed my waking
nightmare.

“You selfish cunt.” I recognized the words
through clenched teeth.

I pulled my legs into me, covering my head
with my hands, leaving my back exposed. With each rageful swing, my
body recoiled, receiving the sharp burning lashes with a jaw
tightened grunt.

“How could you hurt them like that?” she
demanded, with a fury that made her almost unintelligible. “I knew
I should never have let you set foot in my home - you’ve destroyed
everything.” Her hatred streaked across my back as she swung
wildly. I could barely breathe. I clenched my teeth harder, tensing
with each strike, unable to escape.

“You fucking worthless piece of shit. You
should never have been born.” She continued with her expletives,
inaudible to my ears. I remained in my protective ball, shutting
her off, and blocking out the fire emblazoning my flesh – searching
for an escape. I retreated deeper until I was no longer in the room
with her, blocking out the pain and rage and the tears dripping off
my nose.

“I don’t want to see you for the rest of the
day,” she grunted in exhaustion, leaving my room.

I remained still for another minute,
listening to my erratic pulse thumping in my ears and my breath
quivering with each inhale. I slowly unwrapped myself, my back an
inferno. I turned to sit on the edge of my bed, looking down at my
trembling hands, embossed with red streaks.

I leaned forward, my forearms on my thighs,
forcing the air to pass through my lungs at a slow even pace.
That’s when I noticed the thin leather belt coiled on the floor.
Anger overtook me, slithering around my heart. I continued to
breathe deeply through my nose with a clenched jaw. I was consumed
by loathing, allowing the venom to pump fervently through my veins.
I didn’t have the strength to push it away. Instead, I let it rest
under my skin and feed my weary muscles. I stood to prepare for my
game.

I slid gingerly into Sara’s car, sitting up
straight to avoid contact with the seat.

“Hi,” she began with a smile, and stopped
short – her smile instantly fading. I knew what I looked like, and
her eyes reflected back the same image I had seen in my mirror. My
face was pale, contrasting with the dark circles under my
withdrawn, vacant eyes. I kept my lips pressed together, afraid of
being betrayed by a gasp of pain. I couldn’t look at her, but I
didn’t try to be anything different than the person she stared at
in horror.

She slowly pulled away, unable to say
anything. We drove in silence for a moment until she finally
demanded, “I need you to tell me what happened.” I kept my eyes
directed toward the side window, without seeing the passing
scenery.

“Emma, please.” I could hear the desperation
in her voice.

“It’s nothing, Sara,” I said flatly, still
unwilling to look at her.

We arrived at the school without saying
another word. Absently, I walked to the field, not noticing Sara
walking beside me until a few girls greeted us. As we approached
the field, I pulled the hood of my sweatshirt over my head,
focusing on the ground, ignoring everyone around me. The varsity
game was the only game being played, so as soon as the other team
arrived, we gathered for our pre-game warm-ups.

The first half of the game was an agonizing
blur. I couldn’t focus, and my legs failed me when I sprinted to a
pass. I ended up quickly passing the ball off or was unable to
intercept it at all. At half time, Coach Peña pulled me aside.

“Are you okay?” he asked, the concern
reflecting in his eyes. “You seem stiff out there. Are you
hurt?”

“I think I moved wrong and pulled something
in my back,” I lied, looking down.

“Do you want the trainer to look at it?”

“No.” The urgent words came out too quickly;
shock flashed across his eyes. “I’ll be fine, really,” I
pleaded.

“Okay.” He paused. “I’ll sit you out the
second half, so you don’t push it. I can’t afford to have you
injured for the quarter finals on Friday.” I nodded.

We returned to the team that was gathered
around the bench. To everyone’s surprise, Coach Peña told Katie
Brennan she was starting the second half in my place. I sat with my
hood over my head and my hands in my pocket, avoiding the
questioning stares.

When the final whistle blew, I rushed to the
locker room before anyone knew I was gone. I knew I’d have the
locker room to myself since everyone usually went home to shower
and change. It was a quick shower with the warm water burning my
inflamed skin, making it difficult to breathe. I was getting
dressed with my back to the door when I heard footsteps behind me.
I should have pulled the curtain shut behind me, but it didn’t
matter now.

I didn’t turn around and the person behind me
didn’t say anything. I delicately pulled the turtleneck over my
head, covering my marks of disgrace. Unable to avoid the
confrontation any longer, I turned to face Sara. She was sitting on
the bench across from me with tears running down her cheeks and her
jaw tensed. She looked… broken.

“I can’t,” she began, but choked on the
words. Sara stopped to breathe it away before uttering, “I can’t do
this anymore.” I could only stare at her, watching her crumble. A
wall encased me, separating me so I wouldn’t break with her. “I
can’t ignore it; I can’t pretend that I don’t see what she’s doing
to you.”

Sara’s shoulders sunk as she slowly lifted
her head, revealing the tears streaming down her cheeks. “Emma, you
have to tell someone.” Her words sounded desperate and urgent. “If
you don’t, then I will.”

“No, you won’t,” I snapped. My tone was
coated with ice that made Sara wince.

“What do you mean?” she demanded, even more
passionately. “Did you see your back? The blood was seeping through
your shirt during the game. Emma, I’m afraid some morning when I
pull up to get you, you won’t come out. I care about you, and I
can’t watch her do this to you.”

“Then don’t,” I stated coldly. I was
disconnected from my thoughts, and the words dug into Sara like
daggers. She recoiled with each jab. This was a confrontation I
never saw coming, and my defenses were heightened, not willing to
let her jeopardize everything I’d sacrificed to protect Leyla and
Jack.

“You won’t tell anyone about me, and I won’t
tell anyone about how you fuck every other guy that gives you the
time of day.”

Sara’s eyes widened filled with pain; the
mortal blow had been driven. “You’re not the only one who’s good at
keeping her mouth shut. I know exactly who you are Sara, so don’t
think for one minute you know what’s good for me.”

“You bitch,” she murmured, the shock settling
into her shoulders as she practically disintegrated in front of me.
“You fucking bitch.” She couldn’t look up at me, covering her face
to conceal the cascade of tears.

“Stay out of my life. And keep your mouth
shut.” I took my possessed body and left her fighting to gain
control of her breath after my verbal assault. I didn’t look back.
With my bag in hand, I walked away – not truly comprehending what
I’d just done, and at that moment, I didn’t really care.