Reason to Breathe (19 page)

Jason and Evan were waiting outside the
building when I walked out of the school.

“Sorry about the loss,” Evan said. Then he
looked at me, taken aback, like he didn’t recognize me.

“Can you drive me home?” I asked before he
could say anything.

“Sure,” he answered, deciding it was best not
to ask the question that flashed across his eyes. Jason remained
quiet as we left him waiting for Sara.

I gave him directions in a foreign flat tone
when we drove out of the parking lot.

Unable to contain the question any longer, he
asked, “What happened with Sara?”

I stared out the window, not wanting to think
about what I’d done – letting the question dissipate into the air.
He let my silence answer for me and kept driving.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he offered
gently. I could feel him looking at me, but I kept staring out the
window. I shook my head and held my hands together to conceal the
shaking.

We pulled up to my house in tense silence. I
got out of the car and shut the door before he could make me face
my betrayal with another question.

Dazed, I walked up the driveway to the back
door. I looked around, perplexed, when I found it locked. That’s
when I realized the driveway was empty. I was too entangled in my
whirling emotions to care that I was locked out of the house. I sat
on the top step of the deck and wrapped myself in my jacket against
the cold October evening. I brought my knees up to my chest and
collapsed my head in them, releasing my regret. I cried until the
muscles in my chest hurt and my sobs were tearless.

When the anger washed away, I was left sad,
defeated and alone. The darkness surrounded me while I waited for
someone to come home. I shivered against the cold wind whipping
against me. I had no idea how long I’d been sitting there, but I
was startled from my hollowness when the headlights illuminated the
driveway. Suddenly comprehending what this might mean, my stomach
released a surge of paralyzing fear.

When George walked around the side of the
house alone, I released the tension with a long breath.

“Carol and the kids are staying over at her
mother’s tonight,” George stated as he unlocked the door. I
followed him in silence. Before I could retreat to my cave, he
added, “I don’t know what happened between you two today, but I
want you to take it easy on her.”

The statement threw a shocked look across my
face that I knew he saw.

“She’s under a lot of stress at work, and she
needs to be able to relax at home,” he explained. “Do what you can
to make it easy for her.”

I stared at him for a second, before I
whispered, “Okay.” My stomach turned in disgust as I continued
toward my room. He was never around to see what happened – he
couldn’t feel guilty for what he refused to see.

I entered the dark room, closing the door
behind me - not bothering to turn on the light. I dropped my jacket
on the floor and collapsed onto my bed, falling into a restless
sleep.

I couldn’t breathe. I grasped at my neck,
trying to loosen the tightening cord as my feet were pulled off the
bed. I couldn’t see in the dark, but I could feel my body sway with
each jerk of the thin rope. I tried to reach above me to find
something to pull myself up on. The line was cutting into my neck,
crushing my trachea. I became dizzy with the pressure building in
my head and the screaming of my lungs, demanding the air that would
never come.

14.
Hollow

I woke up
gasping, drenched in sweat. I slowly rolled on my side, trying to
orient myself as I sat on the edge of the bed, breathing heavily.
My turtleneck was sticking to my enflamed back, and all I could
feel was the burning. I slipped into the bathroom with the sound of
the TV in the kitchen, where I’m sure George was drinking coffee
and reading the paper.

I slowly peeled off my turtleneck, revealing
the swollen red striations of different lengths sprawled across my
back. Most of the marks were superficial, with a few scabbed over.
The lashes were thin, but the swelling made them appear so much
worse.

Pushing away the sorrow, I eased into the
shower, wishing I could wash away the pain along with the sweat
that still clung to me from my nightmare

I stayed in my room for the remainder of the
day. I forced myself to focus on homework assignments I had yet to
complete. It allowed the day to slip by, but my lack of
concentration made the work twice as long to finish.

I heard Carol and the kids return in the
early afternoon. I stayed out of sight until I was startled by the
door opening and found Carol standing in its frame.

“They need to know you’re okay, so be happy
to see them,” she said coldly. “Come eat.”

After allowing the paralysis to wear off, I
walked to the dining room.

“Emma!” Leyla greeted me with a huge hug. I
didn’t flinch against the stinging pain when I bent over to put my
arms around her.

“Did you have fun at Nanna’s?” I asked. Leyla
responded with a jubilant recollection of her time at Janet’s
house.

My eyes caught Jack’s and I smiled at him
reassuringly. He cautiously examined my smile, determined it was
genuine, and smiled back. I could see the light in his eyes again,
and I smiled bigger.

“We went to the aquarium today,” Jack
announced, adding to Leyla's exclamations about sharks and
starfish.

I sat in my seat and focused my attention on
their stories while I ate the meal George had prepared. I didn’t
look at Carol or George throughout dinner. After everyone left the
table, I performed what was expected of me. The entire time, I
couldn’t escape the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. When I
finally went to bed, I lay awake, thinking about what was going to
happen in the morning. I tried to remember if I knew where the bus
stop was, fearing Sara wasn’t going to be waiting for me.

~~~~~

Sara wasn’t waiting for me. As happy as I was
to see his car, it meant that I’d hurt Sara even more than I could
have imagined, and that was crushing.

I opened the car door to Evan’s warm smile.
“Good morning.”

“Good morning.” I offered a small smile in
return. “Thank you for picking me up. I really appreciate it.” I
was filled with his intoxicating clean scent upon entering the car.
Not a bad way to start the morning.

“Not a problem,” he returned casually. After
a minute of driving, Evan finally said, “I was hoping to see you at
the library yesterday. I had a great plan to cheer you up.”

I bit my lip. “I am so sorry. I completely
forgot. It wasn’t the best weekend of my life.”

“I understand,” he replied. “You seem a
little better today.”

“I’m okay,” I said quietly. Knowing Sara
wasn’t able to be in the same car with me meant that nothing about
me was okay. My chest hurt with the thought that she might not
forgive me.

“How was the game on Friday?” I asked,
attempting to sound interested.

“Weslyn lost, but it was close.”

“Did you end up going to the dance?”

“No, I met my brother and some of his friends
in New York. We went to a bar to check out this local band.” Then
he continued to tell me about his night and that I’d have to look
up the band to download a few songs. I tried to be attentive to his
story, but I became more distracted the closer we got to
school.

I’m not sure how much of what Evan said I
heard, because I was snapped back to the confines of the car when
he said, “I have to find a way to get you to New York.”

“What?! No - there is no way I’m going to New
York.” Then I looked over at him and his lips were pressed into a
devious half smile. “Nice. That’s exactly what I need in the
morning – a heart attack.”

“I was just seeing if you were paying
attention,” he said, still smirking.

After a short silence, he consoled, “I
promise it will get better.” I knew he was promising something he
knew nothing about, but I forced an appreciative smile anyway.

The halls seemed so long and crowded today –
it felt like it took forever to reach my locker. My heart was
thumping loudly when I rounded the corner, but it sank when I saw
that there wasn’t anyone at the locker next to mine. I gathered my
books and slipped into homeroom without looking at anyone. I sat in
the first available desk and waited for the daily announcements and
attendance so I could begin my excruciatingly long day. I couldn’t
bring myself to look around the room to see if Sara was there.

I did see Sara as the day progressed. Her
vibrant red hair was easy to spot amongst the other bodies
occupying the halls. She was usually walking alongside Jill or
Jason. So, I knew she was in school; however she chose to place
herself in a space other than where I was. I watched her from a
distance, wishing she would look at me and know how sorry I was.
But I couldn’t tell her since she wasn’t there to listen.

Evan accompanied me to every class, even the
ones he wasn’t in with me. My heart would have been fluttering
uncontrollably by his constant presence if it hadn’t already sunk
into my stomach. At first, he tried to pre-occupy me with
superficial conversation about topics I couldn’t recall even if I
tried. Once he realized I wasn’t listening and was just nodding
politely, he stopped trying to distract me.

I was too consumed with my own remorse and
misery to consider how he must have felt walking alongside a shell
of a human being. I wasn’t whole; the guilt was eating away at me –
slowly devouring my insides.

When we left Journalism with Sara’s presence
still burning beside me, Evan said, “Let’s get out of here.” Was it
the end of the day already? “You can’t be here anymore. Let’s get
your things and we’ll go to my house and hang out.”

Registering what was happening, I asked,
“Don’t you have soccer practice?” I knew coach had given us the day
off, planning to work us hard for the next three days before our
game on Friday – but I was pretty sure the guys still had practice
since their game was on Thursday.

“I told one of the guys to tell coach that I
have a doctor’s appointment.”

I couldn’t come up with a reason to reject
his invitation. I followed him to my locker and threw books in my
bag, not paying attention to whether I needed them or not. Then
Evan led me to his locker where he grabbed his things.

I didn’t remember driving to his house. The
next moment I was aware of was when we slowed down to pull into his
driveway. I looked around, dazed, wondering where my thoughts had
taken me in the time it took us to drive here. Did Evan try to talk
to me? Did I answer him?

“We’re here,” he announced. The way his voice
cut through the air let me know we’d driven in silence, and perhaps
I’d fallen asleep.

I took a deep breath and got out of the car.
Before I took a step toward the house, I said, “Evan, I’m not sure
you really want to hang out with me today.”

He stopped on the steps of the porch. “Of
course I do. Come on.”

I wanted to force myself to put up a pleasant
pretense so that his efforts to cheer me up wouldn’t be completely
lost. I searched within the shadows but couldn’t find a persona
that was remotely convincing. I decided to do my best not to be
completely devastating.

Evan grabbed two bottles from the
refrigerator and continued down the long hall which opened up into
a brightly lit space containing a piano and a built-in bookcase.
Besides some large planted trees, there wasn’t anything else in the
window encased room except for a set of winding wooden stairs that
led to a landing overlooking the perimeter of the room.

I followed Evan up the stairs into a door off
of the landing. The dark room was much smaller than Sara’s, but
still twice the size of mine – and with it’s own bathroom.
Overlapping images of athletes and musicians covered the wall
behind his bed. A simple black desk with a rolling chair was set in
the opposing corner – above it hung a board with pins securing
snapshots of friends and creased concert tickets. The queen sized
bed filled the center of the room with the headboard set against
the wall. A tall bureau displayed a flat-screen television, and a
closet ran along the same wall as the entrance. The bed and tower
of drawers were stained a deep espresso, adding to the darkness of
the space.

Evan set his backpack next to his desk and
pushed a couple of buttons on his laptop. Music hummed through the
speakers that were suspended in each corner of the room. The
soothing acoustics and rhythmic melodies filled the bedroom.

“Sorry, I don’t have anywhere to sit besides
the bed,” he said, offering me one of the bottles of soda he had in
his hands.

I remained still inside the doorway. My heart
found a rhythm from within the cave where it was held captive. Sit
on his bed, really? I slowly walked over and sat on the edge of the
bed, not ready to commit to putting my legs up.

Evan propped up one of his pillows against
the headboard and sat next to me on the deep red comforter. I knew
I had to move further onto his bed in order to face him. I pushed
my shoes off and shuffled towards the foot of the bed, sitting
opposite of him with my legs crossed beneath me.

“I don’t like seeing you upset,” he finally
said.

“Sorry,” was all I could find to say, looking
down at my hands.

“I wish I could do something to make you feel
better. Can you tell me what happened?” I shook my head. Silence
followed for a minute as the comforting tunes continued in the
background.

“Sara will talk to you again,” Evan said as
if it were a fact.

“I don’t know if she will,” I whispered. My
chest ached thinking about why she may not. “I said some pretty
terrible things.” My eyes brimmed with tears that I tried to blink
away.