Reckless Abandon (20 page)

I notice his tight grip on the podium and cast my gaze to the crowd, where, naturally, I immediately spot Ainsley. Dripping in pearls and pretense, she beams at Bo through his speech.

“Choosing today for the dedication didn’t come out of nowhere,” Bo continues. “Today is the four-year anniversary of my parents’ death. My sister, Rae, and I wanted to give the date a new and promising meaning. You’ve all helped make that happen.”

Dizziness knocks me senseless as bile rises in my throat. I didn’t know the date. We ne
ver talked about it, and Rae
never
talks about it. I turn my head to the right and see Rae lean her head on David’s shoulder, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. Instantly, my vision clouds behind tears. I swallow hard and force a smile as the room erupts in applause.              

Bo and Rae cut the ceremonial ribbon, and the crowd breaks into clutches of supporters wishing the Cavanaugh siblings well. I start toward Bo, intent on saying something congratulatory, but Ainsley beats me to him. This is the first time I’ve seen them in public together; and, judging by the way her arms fit perfectly around his neck—and his lips seem to fit perfectly o
n hers—they are together. Like,
togethe
r
I don’t like that it bothers me, and I curse myself for my own relationship double standard.

I clear my throat. “That was a great speech, Bo. I’m thrilled for you about this center. Your parents would be proud.” My cheeks burn, as he seems to stare right through me.

“Isn’t it great? I’m proud of him, too.” Ainsley squeezes her twiggy arm around his waist and kisses his cheek. Bo pulls his head away from her lips almost as soon as they make contact.

“Thank you, Ember. And, thank you for all of your hard work.” He smiles before his face greys a bit. “I know it’s been challenging to live in so many different places over the last few weeks.” Bo’s fac
e is blank, but his eyes scream
Boston
. I offer a tight smile and walk away.

Seeking out Rae, I find her talking with her friends. She nods in my direction, and they scatter through the crowd. Wordlessly, I embrace her with all the force I can muster, tears spilling down my cheeks.

“What’s that for?” Rae pulls away, dabbing her eyes with her fingers.

“I had no idea that today was the anniversary, Rae. Bo and I never talked about it...I never asked.”

“Hey, it’s OK,” Rae takes my shoulders and pulls back, “it’s not something we harp on. It happened once, and we didn’t want it to happen every year, if you know what I mean. Like he said, we wanted it to mean something new—something hopeful.” Regan weaves through the crowd toward us and tenderly kisses Rae on the cheek.

“You two are so friggen cute, I can’t even stand it,” I change the subject, talking louder to drown the sound of Ainsley’s giggle from my ears. “Are you guys coming to the party tomorrow?” Monica and Josh’s engagement party is finally upon us, and I couldn’t be more grateful for the timing. I need a liquor release after the last few weeks.

“We are, but we won’t stay too long. Usually I spend this weekend holed up in my room somewhere, but Regan’s assured me it’s healthy to get out of the house.” Rae smiles up at Regan, who strokes her cheek and kisses the top of her head. He’s probably eight inches taller than she is, but her larger-than-life personality fills the gap.

“All right, kids, I’m heading out of here.” I rake a hand through my hair.

“Are you heading to Boston tonight?” Monica comes up behind me, linking her arm with mine.

“No, I’ve got lots to do to get ready for tomorrow.” I kiss her on the cheek. “See you then, bride-to-be.”

I return to the office to grab my bag and keys. The strap of my bag catches the arm of a chair, scattering the contents across the floor.

“Perfect,” I mumble as I sink to my knees and gather my belongings. I ignore the shadow suddenly standing over me, pretending I don’t know it’s him.

“Need some help?” I allow a glance upward and find Bo leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed. His silver tie is loosened, hanging carelessly from his black shirt. This is the first time we’ve been alone since sitting in my car in his driveway.

“No. Thanks, though.” I stand and brush myself off. “That was a great speech you gave today. I didn’t know today was ...” I trail off.

“Yeah, we didn’t really cover that, did we?” Bo bends over and picks up my lip gloss that landed next to his foot. He studies it between his thumb and forefinger before handing it back to me. Our hands touch for a moment, and we simultaneously clear our throats, forcing our hands apart.

“Thanks,” I manage.

“So, I guess we won’t be seeing each other for a while, huh? Now that the center’s open and all.” Inexplicably, he closes the door behind him. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Monica’s wide-eyed stare through the window. I can’t break his gaze as he runs a hand through his hair. His eyes are more grey than blue today, taking on the emotion of the room.

“Guess not. Unless, of course, you’re coming to Monica and Josh’s engagement party tomorrow night.”

Why in God’s name did I just say that?

“Am I invited?”

“You’re friends with Josh, aren’t you? Come, it’ll be fun.”

You just can’t stop yourself.

“I’ll come.” He shrugs.

“Please don’t bring Ainsley,” I spit out before I can stop myself. Get. A. Grip.

Bo laughs as he tucks his hands into his pockets. “Don’t worry about Ainsley, Ember.” His eyes gleam as he says my name.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

“OK, then. See you tomorrow, I guess.” I breeze past him and race to my car.

When I get to my apartment a couple hours later, I tear open my guitar case and play and write until my raw fingertips meet the sunrise.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Waking on my couch late Saturday morning, I find my comp notebook splayed open on my chest, and my guitar on the coffee table. I sit and stretch my neck side to side before examining my fingers. I’m sure I’ll have a blister or two before sundown. Placing the notebook on the table, I look at what I wrote last night.

I don’t know where we’re going, but can it be

somewhere good, baby, mmmhmm

The space between your heartbeat and mine

is filled with indecision, fear, and time

I just can’t see past my own mistakes...

A knock on the door stops me from reading further. I toss the notebook on the table and open the door to find Adrian—looking rather tense.

“I called you all night, what the hell?” He brushes past me.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Adrian,” I hurry to my coffee table, “I was playing last night and didn’t want to be interrupted. I forgot to turn my phone back on when I was—”

“What the hell is this?” Adrian is aggravated as he picks up my notebook.

“My comp notebook—you’ve seen it before ...” I reach for it, pulse picking up pace, but he pulls it away.

“You also said you were going to get a new one.” He throws it down and puts his hands on his hips.

I stare for a few seconds, confused from my lack of sleep, conflicted feelings, and Adrian’s aggressive stance. I mentally flip through the last few conversations we’ve had and nothing suggests why he’d come in so threatening this morning.

“What’s going on, Adrian?” I place my guitar in the case and slide it under the couch.

“I hardly heard from you all week, Ember. Then I can’t get ahold of you last night, and I come in here this morning and you’ve got Cavanaugh’s present—” he stops himself and walks toward the door.

Now I’m pissed.

“Pardon me? Are you suggesting I’ve been cheating on you?” My actual voice is softer than the one in my head.

“What am I supposed to think?”

“What you’re
supposed
to think,” I walk toward him with clenched fists, “is that I’m honest, and I would
never
do something like that. Yesterday was the center’s opening. We were busy as hell all week. Last night I was exhausted and stressed—you know what? I’m not going to explain myself to you. You’re being ridiculous.” Throwing my arms in the air, I walk into the kitchen to make coffee.

How dare he insinuate that my lack of attention had to do
with Bo? I was busy with work
, and avoiding Bo
, and getting ready for Monica and Josh’s engagement party
, and avoiding Bo.

“Ember, I’m sorry. I just got nervous when I cou
ldn’t reach you. And this friggin guitar ...” Adrian looks down and puts his hands in his pockets.

“This friggi
n guitar what?” I turn and rest my back against the counter.

“That’s all you’ve been doing the last few weeks...you get up in the middle of the night and write or play.” He leans his shoulder and head against the wall.

“I sing at Finnegan’s every other week, Adrian. Last week Josh had me play a little with him. I’ve been practicing ...” I look to the floor.

Truthfully, my increase in playing was an effort to help me work through my apparent “Bo” issues. Dealing with the kiss I’ve kept secret from Adrian, seeing Ainsley prance around under my nose, my flourishing relationship with Bo’s sister—it’s all become too much. I’ve been playing and writing as an outlet. The only problem is it’s made things worse—a full-blown four-alarm fire is raging in my soul. I care so much for Adrian, but I can’t reconcile how much of that is reminiscence of our past together and how much is attributed to our present. I don’t know, honestly, if my future holds Adrian. The present has been too fun to think of much else.

“You all right, Blue?” Adrian takes my hand and kisses my knuckles.

“I don’t know.” I shrug and force myself to meet his eyes.

“Look, baby, I’m sorry for freaking out. I love you, November. I want you. All day, everyday. Mine. I want to see you when I wake up in the morning and kiss you before I go to bed at night. I want to live with you—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa...whoa.” My adrenaline chooses “flight” as I put my hands up and walk back to the living room.”

“Uh-uh, Ember, you’re not walking away from me. We’re going to talk about this.” Adrian grasps my shoulders and spins me around.

“Who says they love you and they want to live with you all in the same breath?” I huff.

Someone who’s scared...that’s who.

“Don’t you love me?” He drops his arms and takes a step back.

“Adrian ...” My eyes reach for the ceiling.

Then...he pulls the rug out ...

“I know something happened with Cavanaugh.”

What?

“What?” Flames whip against my cheeks. If he was bluffing, I just gave it a way.

“The night of the concert ...” Adrian breaks his defensive stance and walks to my couch, taking a seat.

My eyes scan back and forth across the coffee table, as if it holds the answer to how he could possibly know about Bo kissing me. Monica would never out me—especially not to Adrian. The only possibility is Ainsley, but I don’t think Adrian even knows who she is. Seeing the confusion on my face, Adrian continues.

“No one said anything to me...it was you.” He bites his bottom lip and I sit next to him. He grabs my hand. “When you called to tell me you were coming, I knew something was wrong. When you came in and we had sex...you’ve never been like that before, Ember. It was crazy—it felt desperate.”

I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry.

You have to say something.

When my voice returns, I recant the entire story to Adrian. I tell him about singing in the studio, my fight with Bo, and his kiss. Adrian listens patiently, never breaking eye contact, studying my expression. I don’t lie; I tell Adrian I was furious when Bo kissed me. The conversation takes on a different tone when I tell him I went to the Cavanaugh residence to make nice.

“Why the hell did you go there after he treated you like that?” Adrian leans back, digging his fingertips into the tops of his thighs.

I try my best to explain that I needed to try for the sake of work, for the sake of Rae. I steady my inflection when I share details about finding Ainsley there, trying to deflect my emotion from that part of the story.

“It hurt you to see her there, didn’t it?” Adrian rubs his eyes.

“It did. But not because of Bo. Ainsley’s a whack-job. It was disappointing on a friend level.” I sit back and reach for Adrian’s hand, but he pulls it away and stands, heading for the door.

“I love you, November. I’ve loved you since we first met and I’ve loved you ever since—”

“Oh that’s fucking bullshit, Adrian, and you know it. When you’re that in love with someone, you don’t disappear into scores of women for years before resurfacing.” His attempt at a guilt trip is starting to piss me off.

“Isn’t that what you’re doing?” Adrian holds out his arms like he’s in a courtroom. “Disappearing into me, despite being in love with him?”

“I’m not using you, Adrian. Man, you’re on a roll. First, you walk into my apartment and accuse me of cheating on you,
now
you’re accusing me of using you. Anything else you’d like to tear into me about today, or will you be on your merry way?” I defensively wrap my arms around my stomach.