Red Dirt Diary 3 (12 page)

Three different products for treating nits have been included in the ingredients list of Mrs Sweeney's Scottish shortbread recipe, and part three of ‘Heart's Triumph' has to be seen to be believed:

Good grief! Stay tuned for the next episode of ‘Heart's Triumph' to see if Elizabeth believes him!

Matilda Jane the Delicate Genius is going to FREAK when she reads this!

Saturday, 23 June

Phew! What a day!

Woken at 7 am by Fez screaming hysterically. Mildred had dug up Gunther's tail and was eating it.

Then Mat rang, sobbing her guts out. She said Ben had ruined her life … AGAIN. There's
no way
Elizabeth could possibly love Edmund after all those ridiculous excuses for taking so long to find her. How on earth could she go on writing ‘Heart's Triumph'?

Thankfully she doesn't seem to have noticed the ad where she is selling her aching bowels.

Mrs Whittington came over just before lunch, asking if we had any Nits Away Shampoo, Lice Be Gone Hair Gel or Nit Buster Powder. She was making Mrs Sweeney's Scottish Shortbread and didn't have three of the ingredients. Mum tried to convince her that she could make it just
fine without the lice treatments, but she wouldn't listen. She got quite agitated and headed off across the paddocks with the pigs and Macka, in search of a chemist. Mum and I took two hours to get her home again.

We just got home when Sunshine rang. He was mad as could be. He said there was
no way
he was giving away free beetroot and cauliflower with meals at the pub on Tuesday night. He'd never make any money. And he didn't even know
how
to cook an appendix! He said some very rude words that grown-ups should never say to innocent children like myself, then hung up. Grumpy old bogan.

Then, at three o'clock, Charlene from Travel R Us rang to ask if I knew why they had a rush on Hardbake Plains customers with sore throats booking tours to Scotland. I lied. I'm not proud of it, but I did. I said it was probably just one of those weird coincidences that happen every now and then.

I never knew being chief editor would be so stressful. I thought I'd just accept everyone's articles and decide where they would go in the paper. I didn't dream that I would have half the community yelling at me.

I don't think I'll be sending
The Bake Tribulation
to the Queen. Maybe Mrs Flanagan can just send the photo of the cake crumbs instead.

At least Wes cheered me up at the end of the day. He was making exploding knots. He used three firecrackers to blow up each knot, and it really did give an amazing explosion every time.

I suppose Fez and I should tell him the real way to make exploding knots before he does any harm.

Sunday, 24 June

Wes blew the tail feathers off Flipper. He was tumbling past just as Wes let off one of his exploding knots.

Poor little pigeon. He's been nervous enough with Mrs Whittington using him as a hockey ball and Xiu blowing a hole in the side of the chicken coop. Now he's just a shivering blob.

I've had to take him inside with Petal and he waddles around with her wherever she goes. Petal looks a bit annoyed but I suppose she'll get used to it.

I told Wes the truth about exploding knots. I tied one around his wrist and pulled the ripcord, and it fell straight off.

He said, ‘That's totally lame,' and walked away.

Mat rang tonight, hysterical. She'd reread the paper and noticed the ad.

‘Everyone will think I have bowel problems,' she howled, ‘And it says I have worms too! It's just like my horse Sheba and the gas problem all over again …'

I tried to cheer her up by pointing out that at least she might make $5 out of it, but she just screeched in agony and hung up. At least it's taken her mind off Edmund and Elizabeth …

Monday, 25 June

Took Flipper to school with Petal and me. He's still a terrified blob and can't be left alone. He sat in the corner of our year seven study room all day, fluffing his chest feathers up and shivering. The only time he looked happy was when Sarah fed him some nits from a little tin she took from her pocket.

Gabby Woodhouse is cross. She thinks the ad ‘GABBY NEEDS REPLACING' was put in the paper by someone who wants to take her job as the school doctor. She offered to fix Mat's red aching bowels this morning and was highly
suspicious when Mat screamed that she didn't even have a bowel problem. She thinks Mat is seeing someone else for first aid. It was a very emotional day.

It hasn't all been bad, though. Sam didn't mind the idea of wearing a woollen tartan kilt in his vegie patch, and I have had heaps of kids and adults tell me how much they love seeing each new episode of ‘Heart's Triumph'. They think it's one of the funniest stories they've ever read.

Best of all, I saw Mr Cluff chewing thoughtfully on some shortbread as he flicked through
The Bake Tribulation
at lunch time. He even smiled once or twice.
M
ISSION
M
C
K
ENZIE
might just be working.

Tuesday, 26 June

Fantastic! Mr Cluff walked around the playground whistling ‘Scotland the Brave' over and over again today. Before he knows it, he'll be totally brainwashed with thoughts of Scotland.

Had an important
Bake Tribulation
executive meeting with Ben and Mat this afternoon. Mat refuses to write any more of ‘Heart's Triumph'. She said it is totally ruined. I told her that
everybody thinks it's hilarious, but she just gave me one of those withering looks.

Ben said not to worry. He'd write ‘Heart's Triumph' instead!

HELP!!!

Mat said she wants to use her wisdom and maturity to write something that will help others in the community. She wouldn't say what, but from the important look on her face, I know it's going to be something scary. It was bad enough in term one when she became the Love Mechanic and started giving everyone dodgy relationship advice. What will she try next?

This editor's job is getting VERY STRESSFUL.

Wednesday, 27 June

Flipper played with Feathers today. They sat on Worms's jumper, cooing and nibbling each other's beaks, while Worms, Banjo and I talked about our favourite desserts. I hope Flipper regains his confidence soon.

The Colonel has decided to prepare our minds as well as our bodies for camp. He says good soldiers need to use their brains first if they are going to get out of a sticky situation. Quick, creative thinking is the key to survival.

Of course, this means that Wes, Fez, Ben, Davo and Jack could be in real trouble. You can't use your brain first if you don't even have a brain!

The Colonel gathered us all into his classroom before home time today. He leaned forward, wriggled his hairy eyebrows and said, ‘You are being chased across the African savannah by an angry rhinoceros!'

Everyone was dead silent. Cassie climbed onto my lap and started sucking her thumb.

The Colonel boomed, ‘Suddenly, unexpectedly, you find yourself at the edge of a crocodile-infested river. The crocodiles are starving and alert, eager for a meal. The rhinoceros is furious, snorting steam from his nostrils, barrelling towards you at an alarming rate. You reach into your pocket but find only a mirror and a tube of lipstick. What will you do?'

Mat smoothed her hair behind her ears and said, ‘What colour is the lipstick?'

Ben said, ‘I'm not carrying lipstick in my pocket! How lame would that be?'

Dora Wilson burst into tears, sobbing, ‘I'm too young to die. Why did you take me to such a dangerous place when I'm only five?'

Banjo said, ‘Is there any word in English that rhymes with rhinoceros?'

Nick jumped up and yelled, ‘I know! I'd smash the mirror and use the sharp edge to saw off the rhinoceros's horn so he couldn't hurt me.'

Mat said, ‘Is the lipstick waterproof?'

I suppose she wants to be sure that it won't smudge when she jumps into the river to be mauled by crocodiles.