Red Dirt Diary 3 (14 page)
Authors: Katrina Nannestad
The idea of the party was to get into our pyjamas and watch romantic movies while we
had beauty treatments. I felt like such a doofus. Everyone laughed when I came out in my blue-checked boys' flannelette pyjamas. They all had satin pyjamas with pink hearts and kittens all over them. Grace and Julia had satin bathrobes as well.
Mat
screamed
every time she opened a present. I don't know what Sophie and I gave her, but it came in five different little bottles and made her so happy that she fanned her face and rolled her eyes. Lucky Mum chose the present and not me. I was going to get her a plastic poncho and some waterproof matches to take on camp.
We covered our faces in green mud, smeared our feet with olive oil and wrapped them in cling wrap, and spread our hair with something that looked like raw eggs. I don't know why everyone was so concerned about my pyjamas, because we
all
looked like something from
Frankenstein
by the time we were done.
While our beauty treatments were soaking in, we watched a movie called
Forever and More
THREE TIMES. Mat cried
every
time, even when she
knew
that the boyfriend was going to go away to Iceland.
When we finally washed the face masks off, everyone's skin had turned green! It was hilarious.
I laughed and laughed until my tummy ached, but Mat, Sophie and Julia nearly died. Mat scrubbed her face with a nailbrush and took the skin off her chin, so now she has green skin
and
a big scab.
Mrs Sweeney still made us all go to Mass this morning. She said we couldn't possibly miss it when Father O'Malley only comes once a month. I didn't care. And I don't know why Sophie was so upset. She dyed her hair fairy-floss pink with food colouring once. That looked heaps worse than the green skin.
Mat wore sunglasses and a scarf around her head to Mass, but you could still see her scabby chin and green skin. She burst out crying when Ben and Peter made frog noises. Julia hit Ben over the head with a prayer book.
It's a relief to be home now. Although if Sophie looks in the mirror and sobs one more time I might have to kill her â¦
Monday, 9 July
My face is still green as grass. Petal is quite excited by it. She keeps nibbling my cheeks.
Wes and Fez are dead jealous of Sophie and me. They want to be green too. They tried
smearing green dishwashing liquid all over their faces, but it just got in their eyes and made them cry.
Peter gave me a news report for
The Bake Tribulation
today. âAlien invasion' tells of the terrifying experience church-goers had yesterday when Mass was invaded by six green-skinned Martians. Mat will be furious when she reads it.
I've written âSkin deep', quite a serious article asking just how beautiful can a girl be if she doesn't have a brain. Really, there is nothing attractive about knowing that someone has a big, fat empty space between their ears, is there? Just ask Warren from Warren.
I also have three ads for the classifieds:
WANTED
Volunteers for medical experiments and practice operations.
See Gabby
PONY FOR SALE
Ideal for church picnics and barbecues.
Phone Doris
COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENT
Thank you to everyone who entered photos in the Amazing Cake Crumb Pictures competition.
Entries are now closed.
Winners will be announced at the next CWAÂ meeting.
Sophie and I spent the afternoon over at Mrs Whittington's cottage. She was sorting out her pantry cupboard and wanted to store everything in order of importance. She was quite upset when she got to the baked beans and chicken noodle soup, because she couldn't decide which had to go first. Sophie thought the soup was the most important. Mrs W thought maybe the baked beans were. I suggested we just eat them both so we didn't have to decide. So we had baked beans, chicken noodle soup, orange cake and hot chocolate for afternoon tea. Problem solved!
Tuesday, 10 July
Foxes at 5.15 am. Wes, Fez and Peter ran out with slingshots to attack. Fez lost control and his slingshot fired back into Wes's face. He tried to kiss Wes to make it better but Wes shoved him
away and called him a sissy pink-pants. Fez shoved Wes, Wes punched Fez, and a big rumble started. Peter had to shoot them three times with his slingshot before they'd break it up. The foxes ran wild and free as usual.
Sophie and I are still green.
So are Wes and Fez. They coloured their faces in with green permanent markers today. Mum freaked. She was going to take us all in to Dubbo for a family photo on Friday. Guess she'll have to save it for some other time.
Wednesday, 11 July
Overheard Mum talking to Dad late last night. She said things like, âThey have to go,' and, âGet rid of them once and for all before they do any harm.'
I really hope she was talking about Wes and Fez, but suspect she was talking about the foxes.
Mr Cluff has emailed a Scottish article for
The Bake Tribulation
, just like he promised. âAustralian teacher almost attacked by Loch Ness monster' is a sensational headline. The story, however, is dead boring. The loch where he was swimming turned out to be a dam, and the monster turned out to be an old gumboot floating in the water.
I suppose Mr Cluff has better things to do than go on wild adventures. Hopefully he is spending most of his time talking Miss McKenzie into coming back to Hardbake Plains. It shouldn't be too difficult if the most exciting thing happening at Dingwall is the discovery of a gumboot in the dam.
I think Peter's âAlien invasion' will have to be the newspaper's lead story this time. Either that or Gabby's article, âIs wearing your undies back to front bad for your health?'
Thursday, 12 July
Mat's face is still green, just like mine. Saw her today at Ben's house when we met to finish organising
The Bake Tribulation
. Bucket, the postman, said he'll pick the newspapers up at Ben's farm tomorrow morning and deliver them around the community on his mail run.
Ben wouldn't show me part four of âHeart's Triumph'. He said he wants it to be a surprise when I read the paper tomorrow. I'm sure it will be!
I was hoping that Mat's article, âWaterproof lipstick â everything you need to know', might have been her idea of using her wisdom and
maturity to help others in the community. No such luck.
She has written a questionnaire that will fill a whole page of
The Bake Tribulation
:
How mature are you?
It is important to know how mature you are. It is totally lame when you see immature people out and about trying to lead normal, happy lives. Take this quick quiz to find out the truth about yourself:
1. What do you do when you look through fashion magazines?
a) Decide which clothes and make-up you would look good in.
b) Point to the clothes you hate and say, âYuck!'
c) Draw moustaches and vampire teeth on all the models.
2. What do you do when someone tells a funny joke?
a) Smile carefully so that you don't scrunch your face up too much.
b) Laugh and smile with your mouth open.
c) Laugh so hard that you snort like a pig.
3. What do you do when a boy burps out loud?
a) Give him a withering stare.
b) Say, âThat's gross,' but laugh a bit anyway.
c) See if you can do an even bigger burp just to show off.
4. If you are walking along and see a dog poo on the ground, what do you do?
a) Roll your eyes and fan your face until someone removes it.
b) Screw up your face and say, âPoo!'
c) Kick it out of the way and laugh so hard that you snort like a pig.
5. What is your favourite thing to do on a quiet evening at home?
a) File your fingernails and watch a romantic movie.
b) Play Monopoly and eat chocolate biscuits.
c) Run around in the dark playing spotlight and hunting rats.
6. A handsome boy asks you out on a date. What do you do?
a) Flutter your eyelashes and say, âThank you. That would be delightful.'
b) Say, âI'll have to check with my mum first.'
c) Laugh so hard that you snort like a pig.
7. An ugly boy asks you on a date. What do you do?
a) Give him a withering stare and say, âI don't think so!'
b) Say, âI'll have to check with my mum first.'
c) Accept and go on a date so that you don't hurt his feelings.
Â
Scoring: Score 10 points for every a, 5 points for every b, 1 point for every c.
What your total score means:
7â15 You are completely immature. I don't mean to sound cruel, but you are a total embarrassment to your family and friends. There is no hope for you.
16â45 You are quite immature but there is hope. Grow up and stop acting like a child.
46â70 Congratulations. You are mature, attractive and intelligent.
I am
totally
immature. I did the quiz when I got home and scored 7. What's wrong with laughing so hard that you snort like a pig? Or drawing moustaches and vampire teeth on the models in a magazine? That's not immature. It's just fun.
Friday, 13 July
Bucket delivered the mail and the fourth edition of
The Bake Tribulation
just before lunch. Everyone was arguing over who got to read it first, so Sophie read âHeart's Triumph' out loud while we ate our sandwiches. It was unbelievable â¦
Heart's Triumph â Part 4
âStone the crows!' cried Elizabeth. âYou have had a busy time. But now you are here with me â forever â with your undies on the right way.'
Edmund was just about to hug Elizabeth again when a wild haggis leapt out from the bushes, flung itself at Edmund and ripped his arm off.
âEdmund!' screeched Elizabeth, and she fainted, tripping back into Loch Ness as she fell.
The Loch Ness monster was starving. It swam through the water, thrashing with joy as it headed towards its first meal in months â Elizabeth burger.
âThis'll be fully sick!' yelled the Loch Ness monster.
Edmund saw the monster getting closer and closer to Elizabeth. He kicked the wild haggis back into the bushes, picked up his torn-off arm, leapt into the water and beat the Loch Ness monster over the head with it. The monster grabbed Edmund's arm and chewed it up. Before he could swallow and start munching on Elizabeth, Edmund dragged her out of the lake to safety.
They collapsed on the shore, gasping for breath. Edmund gazed lovingly into Elizabeth's eyes that were like blue poo. Elizabeth gazed lovingly at Edmund's eyes which were like brown poo.
They were just about to kiss when a ferocious wolf, attracted by the smell of blood spurting from Edmund's shoulder where his arm had been ripped out, ran down from the highlands. It leapt from a rock and flew through the air towards Edmund, baring its fangs.
âEdmund!' screamed Elizabeth, her eyes popping out of her head.
The wolf leapt on Edmund, tore his leg off and ran away to the highlands again. Blood spurted everywhere, including all over the front of Elizabeth's beautiful satin gown.
âOh Edmund,' she screamed. âWhat are we going to do now?'