Redeem Me (15 page)

“Yeah. It looks like Sean made it over to plow the driveway and shovel the walk. We should be fine.”

He walks toward me and I put my hands in my pockets and pretend they’re handcuffs. He kisses me on the cheek and it burns. He pulls away. I know he felt that, too.

“I’ll give you a call tomorrow and check on you.”

“Okay,” I croak out, having apparently traded my voice for desire. My whole body is a traitor.

As I walk Noble out, I notice BJ’s watching us with a WTF look on his face.
I don’t know what the hell’s going on either, buddy.

I
unpack the groceries and toss the coffee cake on the table for Butch. BJ is perched by his feet. I suspect he gets to sample most of Butch’s food. As I wash off an apple to slice for them, the calendar to the left of the sink catches my eye. It’s a different NJ scene for each month. January is an aerial view of Mountain Creek ski resort in North Jersey. I nailed the calendar up and suggested Butch write down any visitors he’s expecting so Marie and I can make sure we have everything he needs for company,
especially
company that might be staying overnight. After our awkward conversation before Thanksgiving, this is the system I came up with.

I take the calendar off the nail and turn it to February. The picture is Main Street, Lambertville, in the snow. How can it be February 1? January flew by. Since the blizzard, I’ve thrown myself into work and spent at least two nights a week in New York. Thank goodness BJ and Butch love each other or else I’m not sure what I’d do with him.

I’ve tried to keep my Christmas Eve revelation alive. I’m incredibly blessed. I’ve been making weekly donations and volunteering at the county food pantry. Watching the line of neighbors, children in tow, waiting for food is a powerful reminder of my blessings. I find myself replacing my internal hateful rants at Jason with thanks to God more often and it feels like some sort of recovery. Other than one night out in New York City and two platonic lunches with Noble, my new routine is work, BJ, church, and the food pantry.

Butch’s phone rings and I jump a little; I don’t know if I’ve ever heard it ring. It’s a bright yellow wall phone next to the door with a long cord hanging over the top of it. I imagine Mrs. Leer standing at the sink while talking on the phone, the cord stretching the length of the room. I pick up the receiver and hand it to Butch without saying hello. He’s annoyed as usual. How dare someone call him and interrupt his time doing nothing at all?

“Hello.” He’s as sweet on the phone as in person and I catch myself smiling. “You okay?” I turn toward Butch and he’s looking at me with fear in his eyes. I know this call has something to do with Jason. Is he hurt? “Oh. I see. Okay, well, thanks for calling, and congratulations.”

I’m frozen in position as my breathing stops and the cadence of my heartbeat shakes my chest. He said congratulations. Stephanie had the baby and people will now be congratulating her. Butch tries to hang up the phone and I take it from him and put it on the hook. Dizziness sets in and I grab the wall for support. I’m hot and sweating and darkness is closing my vision.

I need…to get…some air.

“I’ll be right back.” I run out the door to the side of the barn. Just as I turn the corner, I throw up everything I had for lunch. Violent heaves originating deep in my stomach keep coming long after there’s nothing left in me. My God, she had the baby. That dumbass baby they created the night Jason fucked Stephanie. I hate them all. Why wouldn’t he just agree to come to the formal in the first place?

I stumble into the barn and sit on two stacked bags of water softener salt and unleash the torrent of tears the vomiting delayed. I’m sobbing and moaning, and I might be sick again. My mother’s voice gently sings in my head, saying,
“Calm down or you’ll make yourself sick.”
I take a deep breath and rest my face in my hands. I stay like this, completely void and only focusing on breathing for over an hour.

“Charlotte?” I squeeze my eyes shut, hating myself for crying.

It’s Noble and I don’t want to see him. I hold deathly still and stop crying, hoping not to be detected. I see his shoes in front of me, but I still don’t release my face from my arms.

“Charlotte, are you okay?”

No.

“Butch called me and said he was worried about you. He said he got some news that might have upset you.” Noble’s voice is incredibly humane and it makes my stomach lurch.

“Please just go away,” I say without looking up. No one’s going to say anything that will console me, unless they’ve completed a paternity test and it’s not Jason’s baby.

Would that even make me feel better?

He sits next to me and puts his arm around me. “Look, I know you’re upset.”

“You don’t know a thing, Noble,” I spew at him as I get up, out of his reach. “Please just leave.”

Noble’s wounded and I don’t care.

“Be a bitch to me if you want, Charlotte. When are you going to realize these people are not worth your time? They never were.”

“Please just stop talking. And leave,” I say, disgusted by the sound of his voice. “The best thing you can do is stay far away from me.”

“Why? So you can sit around and cry over something that’s over?” he provokes. “You’re better than this. How long are you going to mourn it? If it was so great, why was he with her in the first place?”

I run to the trash and throw up again. He’s right; it must have been terrible the whole time. I can barely show my face. I’m hysterical and ashamed and I want to be alone, but he’s clearly not leaving.

“You don’t understand. You can’t understand,” I scream, pointing my finger at him.

“Then make me understand!” Noble stands, frustrated, and runs his hand through his hair.

I stay silent; there’s nothing to say that will make either of us feel better. He walks out and I think he’s finally had enough of the new Charlotte.

Three long days later, I pull myself together. I shower and start collecting some vegetables to make a salad. I won’t sink into the darkness again. It’s time to put one foot in front of the other. At least that’s been Sean’s mantra for months. There’s a knock at the door, which starts BJ barking.

Noble’s truck is in the driveway and I smile without realizing it and skip to the back door. He appears worried as he quietly asks, “Can I come in?”

I’m paralyzed with fear, remembering the way he walked out of the barn. He must be here to tell me he’s completely done with me. What I want to do is hug him, but my arms won’t rise and my feet won’t move.

“Can I get you something to drink?” I ask, because the silence is suffocating me.

He finally looks at me and I can’t help myself, I smile even though the sight of him could make me cry. I keep smiling, willing it to touch him.

“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. I stayed away as long as I could. Butch said he hasn’t seen you or BJ and…I just wanted to make sure…”

I get it now. He thinks I could kill myself. My God, he is a masochist to want me. He should be more worried about himself.

“I’m never going to be okay. I’m an orphan who found out her life could actually get worse.” I move closer to him and his stare never falters. “I’m totally screwed up, beyond redemption.”

“Then get better. Pull your shit together. Get over him. I’m right here waiting, Charlotte.”

“Yeah, well, as your friend, I have to tell you to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. You can have any girl you want and I guarantee all of them are a better choice.” I move to stand right before him and take both of his hands in mine. I bring them to my mouth and kiss them. He remains silent and gives nothing away. “I don’t want you to, though.”

I want you to stay with me and endure whatever pain I dish out. I want you to not ask me hard questions, not require any real commitment, and have an endless supply of patience. Can’t you see how wretched I am? I’m free falling and reaching to take you down with me.

“Don’t fabricate a version of me that offers you what you want. You’ll only be disappointed.”

Noble looks down at our hands. He moves them to his mouth and grazes his lips with my fingers.

Eventually he says, “You’re a complete asshole, you know?”

Finally we agree about something.

“I’m not some guy who knows nothing about you or your past. I know who you were when your parents were here, and I know you’re the same person now. Can you not see that you survived it? That you’re strong? Charlotte, you continue to make people feel love, and humor, and respect every day.”

He drops my hands and goes into the kitchen to grab a beer out of the refrigerator. I follow him in and lean against the kitchen counter.

“I do deserve better than you’re offering right now, but you can give it to me. I can’t help it, Charlotte. I want you. As much as you tell me to stay away, I can’t. Believe me I’ve tried.”

He moves near and leans against me, pressing me harder against the counter. Something inside me moans and I’m surprised by how much I want him, his hips touching me as he rests his forehead on mine. I could easily reach up and run my hand through his hair, but I don’t. “You want me, too. You may not admit it, but I know. I haven’t figured out if you’re truly saving me or saving yourself for someone else.”

Oh, I want you.

He begins to softly kiss my neck and slowly moves up to kiss right behind my ear. I arch my back and extend my neck, answering him.

“You must really enjoy being tortured,” I force out with labored breathing. It’s hard to concentrate.

He brings his left hand up my jawline, grabs the hair behind my ear, and says, “I’ve never considered it, but I’d try it with you. I’d try anything with you.”

I can feel him hardening on my leg and I stop trying to form a sentence or complete a thought.

He kisses my neck again and says, “You’re making this more difficult than it needs to be.” Noble kisses me gently and my resolve completely disappears. “I’m right here, Charlotte, and I’m not going anywhere. All you have to do is let go and let me love you.”

I look down at the floor because if I look at him, he’ll start to make sense. He caresses the side of my face with his thumb and I rest my head in his hand, wanting him.

“I know you love me, Charlotte.”

I stay silent. Too frightened by what I might say. Noble steps away from me and I will myself to face him.

“You insist on hanging on to memories of a failed relationship that was nothing but a strain. It’s memorialized as perfection in your head, but it was never meant to last.” Noble takes a sip of his beer. “For now, I’m willing to wait until you come to your senses.”

“Until I come to my senses?”

He takes the last sip of his beer and carries the empty bottle to the sink. His bright blue eyes sparkle as a smile finally lights them.

“Yes, I’ll wait for you to realize who you still are and what you want.” With that he heads for the door. “But don’t make me wait too long, Charlotte. We’re missing out on a lot of fun.”

I stand between them in the woods. Each a straight line about twenty-five feet from me. The birds are everywhere, sailing, swooping, and soaring around us. Their chirps meld together, forming a few harsh sounds and adding to the chaos. My eyes ignore the birds and their violent song and race between the two of them. The two men who will surely hate me if something doesn’t change.

And then it all becomes clear.

I raise the bow and hold it at a ninety-degree angle to my feet. I pull the string back to my cheek, my sight unfaltering from his heart. I’ve tried to find another solution but the three of us can no longer exist on Earth. I release the arrow and watch Jason fall to the ground.

I can no longer hear the beating of his heart and no longer smell the kiwi. The sun streams through the trees and washes over him and I turn and walk toward Noble, who’s waiting to take my hand in his as the birds continue with their performance.

Time will keep moving on…It’s cosmic.

It’s divine.

I wake up to the sound of crying and realize it’s me.

I need to go to church today. God forgive me.

I
roll over and cover my head. Valentine’s Day. The world will be full of lovers today. Lovers and losers, and I fall in with the latter. It’s so bad for us losers that we can’t even comfort each other. We just try to ignore the date but it’s impossible, having had it burned into our brains since cutting out construction paper hearts in kindergarten. Thankfully today is Sunday and my whole weekend wasn’t ruined with this nonsense.
Screw
you, people who are in love.
I wonder what Jason’s doing today, if he’s running out to get Stephanie a card.

I should call him and ask, just out of the blue. A call to wish him a happy holiday and catch up. The absurdity of the thought makes me chuckle a little, just enough to get me out of bed even though I feel as if I haven’t slept. I’m tired. Thankfully I have plenty of work to do to keep my mind off this day.

I take the longest, hottest shower I can tolerate. My skin is red when I get out and I know I’ll be punished with itchy, dry skin the rest of the day. Sexy. I’m spending Valentine’s Day alone, just walking around yawning and scratching my itchy ass. I wrap my hair in a towel and myself in my big, comfy robe. I’ll only lie down for a second. Just a few minutes before I really get the day started.

The sight of the box halts me. It was definitely not there a few minutes ago. Light blue with a white satin ribbon…just resting on my pillow. I scan the room and pull the sides of my robe up around my neck. Someone’s been in here. I check for cars in the driveway and confirm the doors are locked.
Are you still in here?
I remember the back door key under the turtle rock: everyone I know knows about it—including Jason.

My heart is racing, throbbing in my neck. I run back to my room, and even though I am sure I’m alone, I still check all of the closets and under all the beds. I slowly approach it. I sit on my bed and guardedly undo the bow of my first ever present from Tiffany’s. No, it’s not a present. It’s a gift, as in “gift from God” or “love is the greatest gift.” When it comes in the light blue box, it’s most definitely a gift.

My heart slows and I feel strange that I’m alone, but then again, who should I have here? I lift the lid to discover the most exquisite diamond letter C on a chain. I pull it out of the box and dangle it in the air. The winter sun, shining through the window, sparkles off it, shooting light beams onto my wall and I gasp. It is unbelievable. Under the necklace there’s a card and I don’t know what to hope for. Before I reach for it, I put the necklace on and look at my reflection in the mirror. I can’t help smiling. It’s perfect, and I’m already in love with it. Maybe it’s from Sean and I’ll be able to keep it.

The card. The card, Charlotte!

I gasp at the sight of his name. He’s lost his mind. He can’t buy me a diamond necklace. He can’t buy me, period! If I didn’t love it so much, I’d take this gift over there and throw it at him. This has to go back. Things are complicated enough without this type of gift. If my mother were here, she would make me give it back. Actually, that’s not true. She would love it, too. My father would try to make me give the necklace back. Noble’s insane. Welcome aboard the crazy train. Maybe I’m causing him to go mad. Perhaps I literally make men crazy. I shake my head and try to focus. What am I going to do about this?

I check my neck twice in the rearview mirror on the drive to his house. The necklace is stunning. The light beams off it hanging in the most perfect position at the base of my neck, right below the biggest smile I’ve seen on my face in six months.

Well played, Noble Sinclair.
Fortunately for you, I care more about your emotional health than you do.

He’s climbing down from a tractor as I reach the drive. I have to wait for the train to pass, but I can see him between each car. Noble doesn’t even notice, a lifetime of watching a train pass through his driveway having immunized him to the novelty. I still can’t get used to it.

The train passes and I make my way down the long dirt drive. I pull up to the house just as he’s about to open the side door. He stops and waits for me to get out of the Volvo. A few steps closer to him and his expression changes to pure delight. He’s seen the necklace around my neck.

See? Even he thought I should return it, again possessing a higher opinion of me than I deserve. He has no regard for himself! I should tackle him and rip off his clothes, but that’s not in his best interest either—only my own. This is why people recommend a rebound relationship. I should be able to bang Noble without any regard for his feelings, but noooo, I have to get involved with one of the greatest people I know. I should be “dating” some dirtbag from another state.

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” he says, still smiling, but doesn’t make a move toward me.

I shrug and tilt my head to the side. “Oh, is it Valentine’s Day? I hadn’t noticed. Just like any other day.” His joy registers on his face. He’s so playful all the time. “You know, wake up, shower, open diamond necklace, go to church. Typical Sunday.” I walk toward him slowly. Let him keep smiling and wonder what I’m going to do.

“You don’t say. A diamond necklace? You must be deeply admired,” he says, still not breaking his gaze.

“You know I should return it.”

He raises his eyebrows questioning me. He thought it was a possibility.

“You thought I might? Once again you have misjudged me. I have no parents to assist with my moral compass. I’m a ship adrift, without the benefit of guidance, a spoiled child who takes what she wants without regard to the ramifications,” I dramatically proclaim.

His smile broadens. “Oh, you’re wrong. If you were what you claim to be, you’d have undressed me already. But you don’t, and instead you torture yourself. You have to keep the necklace.”

“Why is that?”

This ought to be good.

“It would be too embarrassing to return it, and I’ve recently broken up with Christine, Carly, and Claire.”

“Pity for them.” I close the space between us with three long strides. I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head on his chest. His arms encircle my back and I’m contemplating never moving. This would be so easy. Being with Noble every day would be so easy. I lift my head to see him, and he’s looking down at me.

With as matter-of-fact a tone as I can muster in his arms, I proclaim, “I’m keeping the necklace. It has nothing to do with being in love with you; it’s just too beautiful to give up.”

A small laugh escapes him. “I know the feeling well.” He hugs me a little tighter. “Be careful, though. It’ll quickly evolve into love and then you’ll never be able to give it up.”

“Thank you,” I whisper as I pull myself out of his arms and walk away. Why does he have to be freaking perfect? If I’d been with him all this time instead of Jason, would he be the father of someone else’s child?

I really do hate myself for comparing them.