Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (24 page)

1. Evidence from My Adult Life That Refutes the Feeling
   

I have made
some
new friends since I’ve been an adult. In fact I have a lot of good friends. When I was in college, the mothers of my boyfriends seemed to like me.

1. Ask My Friends and Family
   

I asked my sister, mother, and two friends. All of them pretty much agreed except my mother. My sister said that I come off as uptight at first. My friends said pretty much the same thing.

1. Summary of the Objective Evidence
   

Although there is evidence that I can sometimes make a good first impression, the majority of the evidence is that this is a real flaw.

Doing this for her other qualities, Margaret admitted that she was probably good-looking and successful enough, but that the other flaws were real. The qualities Adam listed included:

WAYS I AM DIFFERENT FROM MOST PEOPLE

1. I don’t talk about the same things other people talk about.
   
2. I’m strange.
   
3. People don’t want to get to know me.
   
4. I’m too serious. I can’t seem to lighten up.
   
5. I dress differently from other people.
   
6. I have unusual interests that other people don’t seem to have.
   
7. I act so aloof that it puts people off.
   

After doing his sheets, he decided that „I don’t talk about the same things that other people talk about,“ „I’m too serious. I can’t seem to lighten up,“ and „I act so aloof that it puts people off,“ were real flaws.

One thing became clear as we evaluated whether Adam’s flaws were real or imagined. This was that Adam
exaggerated
differences between himself and other people. This was one important way he reinforced his lifetrap. He constantly maximized differences and minimized similarities.

THERAPIST: Why didn’t you feel you could talk to that new manager at work?

ADAM: I just felt like we had nothing in common.

THERAPIST: But you are in the same field. That is something already.

ADAM: But we’re different in so many other important ways. THERAPIST: Like what?

ADAM: Oh, he dresses different, and drives an expensive car. THERAPIST: But didn’t you hear that he’s a foreign film buff too?

ADAM: Yeah. But that car of his really put me off. I just figured he’s a really materialistic person. And I’m not like that.

The very way he saw the world—in terms of differences rather than similarities—reinforced Adam’s lifetrap.

6. If You Are Convinced That a Flaw or Difference Is
Real,
Write Down Steps You Could Take to
Overcome
It. Follow Through Gradually with Your Plan of Change.
You might write things like working to improve your social skills, becoming warmer and more friendly to people, losing or gaining weight, taking a class in public speaking, going back to school, learning to look your best, or any number of other self-improvement strategies. Gradually do these things. Sometimes when we have a flaw, we shrink from overcoming it. We feel so ashamed that we do not even want to think about it. Resist falling into this trap. Attack your deficiencies head-on.

Debra developed a plan to deal with her „terrible first impression.“ First, she tried to get direct feedback about what aspects of her behavior were problematic. She did this by observing herself when meeting people, asking friends and family, and doing role-plays of first meetings with us in sessions.

THERAPIST: So what can we conclude from all this?

DEBRA: I guess I have two main problems with making a good first impression. The first is that, because I’m so anxious, I make flippant comments that the other person doesn’t know are meant as jokes. And the second is that, when people ask me about myself I don’t know what to say.

Once Debra identified her tendency to be flippant, it was fairly easy for her to stop doing it. She stopped herself from making jokes, at least until she knew the person a little better. In terms of the second problem, knowing what to say when asked about herself, we practiced this in sessions. We
prepared
Debra to talk about herself in various areas—her work, her family, her interests. Many social skills can be learned through preparation. Planning in advance how to handle various scenarios will reduce your anxiety.

Imagery can also play a large role in your preparation. Instead of spending time before an event imagining catastrophic situations and making yourself even more afraid—spend time imagining yourself performing well. Imagine yourself performing exactly as you wish. Have dress rehearsals of success rather than failure.

DEBRA: Before I went to the company Christmas party, I lay down and relaxed myself, and I imagined the party going very well. I pictured myself walking in and looking around, smiling, and picking one person to go up to and talk to. I imagined walking up and saying, „hi,
“
and feeling composed. I imagined starting to talk, the things I would say.

7. Reevaluate the Importance of Flaws That You Cannot Change.
Alcoholics Anonymous has a saying: „God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.“ There are some things you can change about yourself, and some things you cannot. Beyond self-improvement lies acceptance of yourself.

You may have flaws that you can never change, or never change enough. You will always be too short or tall, you may always be too fat, you may never be successful enough, or tell great stories at parties. However, people with this lifetrap almost always
exaggerate
the importance of their flaws. Consider this. How significant really are your flaws relative to your other good qualities?

List your good qualities and your flaws. Do the same for people you know. Are you really that much worse, or different, overall? Try to put your flaws
in perspective.
Debra may be awkward in social situations, but she is also an intelligent, sensitive, and sweet human being. The same for Adam. He is a funny, interesting person whose differences often make him quite charismatic. Our experience of patients with this lifetrap is overwhelmingly that their flaws pale against the backdrop of the person as a whole.

You probably believe that other adults regard your flaws in the same light as the children who made fun of you in childhood. But you are wrong. Adults are usually much more tolerant of differences than children. Adults appreciate differences more. It is only children—or immature adults—who feel that pressure to be exactly the same.

DEBRA: When I’m at a party I feel the same as back on the playground at school. I feel like it’s recess, and everybody’s making fun of me. I half expect people to start ganging up on me and start chanting songs about how fat I am.

Finally, you may have flaws that you do not
want
to change. Some of your so-called flaws may be valued parts of yourself. This is how Adam finally felt about the way he dressed. He enjoyed buying clothes and creating outfits. He was not about to give it up. The way he dressed was distinctive but not outrageous. Debra had a similar issue about makeup. She was not willing to wear it, even if it would enhance her chances of meeting a man.

How much you are willing to change yourself is ultimately your decision. But you must be aware of the consequences of what you do. If fitting in is your goal, then
flaunting
your uniqueness is not going to help you reach it. One of the most challenging tasks in life is finding a balance between fitting in or being normal, and expressing our unique, individual natures. If we go too far toward conformity, we lose a sense of who we really are; if we go to the extreme of individual expression and uniqueness, we cannot fit in with the rest of the community.

8. Make a Flashcard for Each Flaw.
Make flashcards to carry around with you. Read them each time your lifetrap is triggered. In this way you can chip away at the lifetrap.

When you are writing a flashcard, emphasize ways you are exaggerating the flaw. Mention your good qualities. Include ways you can improve.

We will give you some examples. Here is the card Debra wrote for the flaw, „I am anxious at social occasions.“

SOCIAL EXCLUSION FLASHCARD #1

I know that right now I feel anxious, as if everyone is looking at me. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone. But it is just my lifetrap being triggered. If I look around, I will see that people are not looking at me. And even if someone is, it is probably a friendly look. If I start talking to people, in a little while my anxiety will grow less. People can’t really tell I’m anxious. Besides, other people are anxious too. Everyone is a little anxious in social situations. I can start by relaxing my body, looking around the room, and finding one person to talk to.

Here is the card Adam wrote for the flaw, „I act so aloof that it puts people off.“

SOCIAL EXCLUSION FLASHCARD #2

I’m starting to feel different from the people I’m with. I’m feeling like an outsider, alone in the crowd. I am holding myself back, becoming aloof. But this is my lifetrap kicking in. In fact I’m exaggerating how different I am. If I become friendlier, I will find that we have things in common. I just have to give myself a chance to connect.

A flashcard can help break the spell of the lifetrap, and get you back on the right track.

9. Make a Hierarchy of Social and Work Groups You Have Been Escaping. Gradually Move Up the Hierarchy.
This is the most crucial step. Stop escaping! Of all the factors that maintain your lifetrap, avoidance is the most important. As long as you keep running away, your lifetrap cannot change.

By the time we reach adulthood, the likelihood of people rejecting us is lower than it was in childhood. As most people get older, they become more tolerant and accepting. But you do not see this. You are frozen in childhood, unaware that the world has changed around you. You ascribe the mentality of a child to the adults around you. So you avoid situations where you might get exactly the positive feedback that you need. You never find out that you might actually be accepted.

We realize this step will be difficult for you. We will make it as easy as we can. The reason you try to escape is that you experience such high anxiety in social situations. You will do almost anything to avoid experiencing this anxiety. And what is more, with the Social Exclusion lifetrap, it is
possible
to live your life avoiding almost all social situations. You can still get by, even though your life lacks an important dimension of gratification.

Take the list you made in step 3, of group situations that you avoid. Rate how difficult it would be to complete each item, using the following scale. (Use any number from 0 to 8.)

Scale of Difficulty

0 Very Easy

2 Mildly Difficult

4 Moderately Difficult

6 Very Difficult

8 Feels Almost Impossible

For example, Debra rated the items on her list as shown on the following page.

Start with the
least
difficult item. (Make sure you have included some relatively easy items—some l’s, 2’s, and 3’s.) Do this item over and over until you have achieved a sense of mastery over that level of difficulty. Debra’s easiest item was „going out after work with coworkers.“ She did this several times a month for five months before she moved up to her next hierarchy item.

Debra made up other items at level 3 difficulty, and did those too. She chatted with people she knew in passing, such as doormen and store clerks. She struck up conversations with men she found moderately attractive. By the time she got to level 4, she felt ready. We want you to do the same. At each level of difficulty, make up other items and do those. And plan carefully how you will complete each item. Think everything through in advance. Work out solutions to many possible eventualities. Use positive imagery to practice performing well.

Gradually move up your hierarchy. Your successes will sustain you as you go. The hardest part is getting started. Take a chance and start growing socially again. You might even find that you enjoy it.

10. When You Are in Groups
,
Make a Concerted Effort to Initiate Conversations.
When you attend a social event, set yourself a goal of starting a certain number of conversations to initiate, then try to meet your target. Orient yourself toward the outside world. People with this lifetrap spend too much social time staying in their own head. They do not connect. Even though they have entered the social situation, they are still escaping real contact. They are there, yet not really there. You have to overcome this more subtle form of Escape as well.

When Debra and Adam practiced their hierarchy items, they would agree to talk to a specific number of people. Going to a party, they would say something like, „I’ll talk to at least two people that I don’t know.“ This is what we want you to do. You will be surprised to find out that setting a specific goal will often
reduce
your anxiety rather than increase it. Once the anticipatory anxiety has passed, you will probably find that walking up and talking to people greatly decreases your anxiety. This is how it usually works with avoidance. You predict that you will be much more anxious than you actually are.