Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (25 page)

DEBRA: It really wasn’t bad at all. I talked to two people during the coffee break, and it wasn’t that bad. And next time I go, it will be much better, because now I have some people I can talk to.

Try to make friends with
one
person in the group, then expand to other group members gradually. This is a strategy which we have found helpful. Focusing on the group as a whole is too overwhelming. You feel the group’s eyes on you. Break the group down into manageable units. Conquer it one or two people at a time.

11. Be Yourself in Groups.
There is another more subtle form of avoidance. This is to hide parts of yourself. You talk to people, but you are secretive or careful to avoid certain topics, so that your defect or difference will not be exposed. Perhaps it is that you are gay, or unsuccessful, or from a certain family background. Or maybe it is a physical characteristic, or some aspect of your status—such as education or income.

You pay too high a price for keeping these secrets. Meeting people becomes fraught with tension and loneliness. As one of our patients once said, „Having a secret is isolating.“ Try, as much as possible,
not
to hide your flaws or perceived differences. We are not saying to be
outrageously
different. We are simply saying to be yourself. Let people know that you are gay or from a certain family background. Stop hiding it. As you get to know people better, share some of your vulnerabilities and insecurities. It is the only way for you to find out that you are acceptable nevertheless.

12. Stop Trying So Hard to Overcompensate for Your Perceived Areas of Undesirability.
Allow yourself to see that
most
people will accept you for who you are—not for trying to impress them with your accomplishments or possessions. Resist that pressure. You will find that it is a relief to give up this pressure.

ADAM: Having to prove all the time that I was a popular guy was a burden. I was always lying about who I was. I really don’t want to have to do it anymore.

Debra had a similar issue about her lack of success. Because she was ashamed of her work situation, she constantly tried to prove to people how smart she was. If the subject of work came up at all, her conversation would grow strained and artificial.

DEBRA: I would almost start bragging really. No matter what we were talking about, I’d manage to drop in some comment about how I won an award in college or something. Maybe start talking about some complicated theory. Or all of a sudden become really condescending. It would sound really hollow. I mean the other person would know exactly how I really felt.

Not only is counterattacking like this a burden, but your behavior is transparent as well. Other people see right through you. They know you feel ashamed inside. The showing off is false. You know it, and they know it too. Replace the person that you pretend to be with the person you really are. People will like you better, and you will like yourself better as well.

We are not saying that you should start talking yourself down. Rather, we are saying to calm down, to stop trying so hard to impress people.

The journey out of Social Exclusion is a journey from loneliness to connection. Try to see it in this positive light. If you are willing to apply these change strategies, you will find that there are many rewards. Debra is now dating, enjoying herself at parties, going out several nights a week. She comes to her sessions happy. Adam has made some new close friends with whom he shares the truth about himself. The ultimate reward is a satisfying social life. You can feel part of a group or the community. This is a vital part of life, of which you are now deprived. Why miss out in this way?

MARGARET: TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD, FEELS TRAPPED IN HER MARRIAGE TO AN ABUSIVE HUSBAND.

When Margaret first walks into our office there is a frightened look in her eyes. It raises a protective impulse in us and we move to take care of her. When we tell her she seems frightened, she tells us that she does not even like to think about her problems, let alone talk about them.

Margaret feels trapped in a relationship that she is too afraid to leave. She is afraid to be alone. Anthony, her husband, is verbally abusive. He has been unemployed for two years and blames her. In fact, he blames her for all his problems. Margaret is agoraphobic: she has panic attacks and avoids many situations for fear that she will have an attack—trains, restaurants, grocery stores, shopping malls, crowds, movie theaters. On some days she is so anxious that she is afraid to leave her home. She has come to therapy because coping with her marriage and her phobias has become too much for her.

As you might imagine, aside from making day-to-day functioning difficult, Margaret’s agoraphobia sharply decreases her pleasure from her leisure time. Activities that other people find enjoyable, she experiences as onerous tasks.

MARGARET: Anthony is mad at me. He wants me to meet him at the restaurant tomorrow night. He doesn’t want to have to come home first and get me. But I just can’t do it. I can’t get on the train.

THERAPIST: What are you afraid of?

MARGARET: What if something happens to me and there is no one to take care of me?

THERAPIST: What might happen to you?

MARGARET: What might happen to me? My panic might get so bad that I’d collapse on the street.

When Margaret is home, if Anthony has to leave for some reason, she, too, finds herself rushing out of the house. Or she starts to make telephone calls: „My telephone is my lifeline to the world.“ Although Anthony complains angrily about the cost to him of baby-sitting her, whenever she strikes out on her own, he seems to discourage her. In a strange way, Margaret feels he
wants
to keep her dependent.

WILLIAM: THIRTY-FOUR YEARS OLD, IS STILL DEPENDENT ON HIS PARENTS TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.

William, too, has a frightened look when he walks into our office. He seems to be a shy, quiet man. He has an air of timidity. And he also moves us to take care of him, to try to make him comfortable. We find we are
gentle
with him.

William is still living with his parents. He had left home for an extended period of time only once, when he went to college. It lasted one year: after that, he transferred to a small school close enough that he could live at home and commute. William became an accountant like his father, and he works in his father’s firm. He is extremely anxious about his work. He has been dating a woman named Carol for a long time, but somehow finds it hard to make a commitment. He cannot decide if she is the right person for him.

WILLIAM: I keep thinking, „What if I’m making a mistake, what if she’s not the one? What if there’s someone better? How do I know if she’s the right one, or if I’m just settling for less?“

We get along, but there just aren’t fireworks. And what if I can’t support her? She wants to have a lot of kids. How do I know that I can support a wife and kids? I can barely support myself. Sometimes I think I should just break up with her now, and get it over with.

William has been trying to make up his mind about Carol for two years. He has come to therapy because she has finally given him an ultimatum—either marry her or end the relationship. William feels paralyzed.

CHRISTINE: TWENTY-FOUR YEARS OLD, IS SO INDEPENDENT THAT SHE CANNOT ACCEPT HELP, EVEN WHEN SHE NEEDS IT.

Christine does not look frightened when she walks into our office. On the contrary, she looks very capable of taking care of herself. Her manner is assured and competent.

Christine prides herself on her independence. She is self-reliant: „I do not need anyone,“ she tells us. She has been supporting herself and living on her own since she started college. For the past year she has worked as a social worker in a drug treatment center. She walks through the most dangerous city neighborhoods without fear.

Eight months before she came to see us, Christine broke her leg in a skiing accident. She is still using a cane to walk. Right after the accident, she had to return temporarily to her parents’ home. Her parents and two younger sisters had to bring her meals, help her wash, and dress her. They had to take care of her. The stress of having people take care of her, particularly family members, was so intense that she entered therapy.

CHRISTINE: I’m just not the kind of person who likes to be taken care of I just don’t like it. I found myself getting really depressed and upset about it.

I guess I realized that I shouldn’t get so upset about it. And now I’m back in my apartment, and I’m having a hard time letting my friends do the things I need to have done for me. And the funny thing is, I know I would do the same for them in a flash, without even thinking about it.

Why can’t I accept help from people?

Take this test, rating each item using the scale on the following page.

SCORING KEY

1. Completely untrue of me
   
2. Mostly untrue of me
   
3. Slightly more true than untrue of me
   
4. Moderately true of me
   
5. Mostly true of me
   
6. Describes me perfectly
   

If you have any 5’s or 6’s on this questionnaire, this lifetrap may still apply to you, even if your score is in the low range.

INTERPRETING YOUR DEPENDENCE SCORE

10-19 Very low. This lifetrap probably does
not
apply to you.

20-29 Fairly low. This lifetrap may only apply
occasionally
.

30-39 Moderate. This lifetrap is an
issue
in your life.

40-49 High. This is definitely an
important
lifetrap for you.

50-60 Very high. This is definitely one of your
core
lifetraps.

If you have the Dependence lifetrap, life itself seems overwhelming. You feel that you cannot cope. You believe that you are incapable of taking care of yourself in the world, and that therefore you have to turn to other people for help. It is only with such help that you can possibly survive. At the core of your experience of dependence is the sense that it is a constant struggle to fulfill the normal responsibilities of adult living. You simply do not have what it takes. It is a feeling of something
lacking
, of
inadequacy
. An image that captures the essence of dependence is that of a small child who feels that suddenly the world is too much and starts crying for mommy. It is a feeling of being a small child in a world of adults. Without an adult to take care of you, you feel lost.

Your typical thoughts reflect your sense of incompetence: „This is too much for me,“ „I can’t handle this,“ „I’m going to fall apart,“ „I’m not going to be able to handle my responsibilities.“ Other typical thoughts reflect your fear of abandonment—your fear that you will lose the people upon whom you are most dependent: „What would I do without this person?,“ „How will I get by on my own?“ These thoughts are usually accompanied by a sense of desperation and panic. As Margaret says, „There are so many things I can’t do. I have to have someone there to do them for me.“ You dwell on this necessity. It drains a great deal of your mental energy. You plot and scheme to be sure someone will be there. Left on your own, you have a global sense of everything being overwhelming.

You often betray a complete lack of trust in your own judgment. You have little sense of your ability to make good judgments. Difficulty trusting your judgment is a core feature of dependence. You are
indecisive.

WILLIAM: I wish I could make up my mind about Carol I don’t know why I waver back and forth so much. It’s like I believe that I can’t possibly make the right choice.

When you have a decision to make, you solicit the opinions of others. In fact, you probably rush from person to person seeking advice. You change your mind a hundred times. The whole process just leaves you confused and exhausted. If you finally manage to make a decision, you have to keep asking for reassurance that your decision was right.

Alternately, you might seek the advice of one person in whom you have great confidence, and rely solely on that. That person is often a therapist. In the beginning of therapy, our dependent patients always try to get us to make their decisions for them. This is not always easy to resist. Because it can be so painful for us to watch a patient vacillating endlessly, it is tempting to jump in and make the decision. We have to try hard to resist this temptation because it really does not help these patients. It increases their dependence on us, when the goal of therapy is their eventual independence.