Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (29 page)

7. Avoid Strong
,
Overprotective Partners Who Generate High Chemistry.
This is that tricky principle—avoid the very partners to whom you are most attracted. Remember, the chemistry is usually highest with partners who trigger your lifetrap. You are undoubtedly prone to falling for partners who like to dominate and protect you. You are probably most attracted to partners who encourage you to collapse into your dependent role.

There was a high degree of chemistry in the relationship between Margaret and Anthony. They were perfectly matched for triggering lifetraps. Through therapy, Margaret dared to become more assertive in the relationship. She became more able to stand on her own, and so no longer feared losing him more than anything else.

MARGARET: The only way I’ll stay with Anthony now is if he changes. I can’t just allow him to treat me badly. I’d rather be alone than continue being abused by him.

When Anthony saw that he really might lose Margaret, he agreed to enter therapy. As is typical of most narcissists, the threat of abandonment motivated him to change. As of this writing, they are working in therapy to create their relationship anew in a way that satisfies both of them. Whether or not they are successful as a couple, Margaret has chosen to give up the trap of Dependence.

8. When You Find a Partner Who Will Treat You as an Equal
,
Give the Relationship a Chance to Work. Take on Your Share of Responsibilities and Decision-Making.
You may find there is little chemistry with partners who foster independence and autonomy, or that the chemistry fades with time. We were convinced that the reason William felt so few fireworks in his relationship with Carol was that she challenged his dependence. You might find that it is worth trying to give such relationships a chance. If you once felt chemistry with this partner—if there was some period, maybe at the beginning, when you were attracted—the chemistry might come back as you grow more confident.

When you find a partner who wants you to stand on your own, try to make the relationship work. Resist undermining the relationship. When William first started dating Carol, he was attracted to her. But it soon became apparent that Carol was resisting William’s efforts to turn himself into a child in the relationship, and to turn her into a parent. She wanted him to be strong. She wanted a peer, a companion. She refused to take over his life. As time went on, William’s attraction faded. He began telling us that she just was not right for him, that he was not in love with her and was more interested in other women.

With our encouragement, William stayed with Carol. He gradually took on more responsibility for his life. He moved into his own apartment, took a job at another firm, started managing his own money, buying his meals, and planning his time. As he grew more comfortable with these new roles, his attraction to Carol returned. He was able to restore much of the chemistry he had lost.

9. Do Not Complain When Your Partner/Boss Refuses to Help You Enough. Do Not Turn to Him/Her for Constant Advice and Reassurance
. This advice is for entitled Dependents. You must realize that people do not owe it to you to take care of you. People have a right to expect you to take care of yourself. Right now, your first impulse at work when you face a problem is to run for help. You probably do not even try to solve the problem yourself. We want your response to be to try it on your own first. If you try hard, if you truly do your best to solve the problem, and you still cannot do it,
then
ask for help.

WILLIAM: When I was learning the computer system that handled our accounts, I would go to my father every time I had a question. He would get mad at me, but he would tell me the answer. I never even tried to use the manual.

But once I started trying to learn it, once I started trying to understand the manual, I found I could do it. I rarely go to him with questions anymore, and when I do, he often has trouble answering them himself.

When you try things on your own, you will have the urge to seek reassurance that your approach is right. Seeking reassurance is like a drug for you—it tranquilizes your anxiety about functioning alone. You need to withdraw from this drug. You need to tolerate the anxiety of functioning alone. The anxiety will pass. Have faith—there will come a time when you will function alone with minimal anxiety.

10. Take On New Challenges and Responsibilities at Work, but Do It Gradually.
Expand your skills at work
systematically.
Do not set yourself up to fail—do not take on too much at once. Stay in control of the process of your growth.

You can use an approach like the one we described above, which Margaret used to overcome her fears. Make a list of the responsibilities at work that you have been avoiding. Include both solitary tasks and interpersonally oriented items, ranging from easy to difficult. Rate the difficulty of each task on a 0 to 8 scale, with 0 being not at all difficult, and 8 being as difficult as you can imagine. Start with the tasks you rated lowest. Do these tasks again and again until you are comfortable with that level of difficulty. Attain a sense of mastery before you move to higher items on the list.

If you find that you cannot complete even the items you rated lowest, it is because even the lowest items are too hard. Come up with easier items. We have found that even the most dependent people can come up with
some
items they feel they can complete easily.

11. If You Are Counterdependent, Acknowledge Your Need for Guidance. Ask Others for Help. Do Not Take On More Challenges Than You Can Handle. Use Your Anxiety Level as a Gauge of How Much You Are Comfortable Taking On.
There is a saying in psychotherapy: „It is the relationship that heals.“ With Christine, this seemed to be the case. Our relationship helped heal her. We became the first people from whom she accepted help. She allowed herself to be vulnerable with us. She shared the part of herself that is weak and uncertain, the damaged and overtaxed child within. This made her extremely anxious at first. But after assessing that she could trust us, she took a risk and made herself dependent. We nurtured and supported that healthy, dependent part of her, and Christine learned to nurture that part of herself with imagery exercises.

THERAPIST: What image do you see?

CHRISTINE: I see myself as a child, maybe eight years old. I’m in my livingroom. My mother is lying on the couch, half passed out watching soaps.

I’m trying to iron the clothes I’m wearing to school because one of the kids made fun of me because my clothes were wrinkled.

THERAPIST: I want you to bring yourself into the image as an adult and intercede to help that child.

CHRISTINE: That’s hard for me to do. I don’t know what to say. I guess I would say, „Here, I’ll show you how to iron, it’s not so hard. I’m sorry that you have to do everything yourself. I know it’s too much for you. But I’m here for you when the going gets tough. You can come to me when you need help.“

Christine gradually allowed herself to turn to other people for help. If there is someone in your life that you would like to trust in this way, make sure it is a person who is worthy of your trust. Do not pick your partners foolishly. Do not pick people unless you are confident they will be there for you when you need them. Christine had to change the type of man she typically pursued. She had been drawn to weak, fragile men who often were substance abusers. Changing your Dependence lifetrap may require a profound shift in the way you choose romantic partners.

The other aspect of changing your lifetrap is gaining control over how much you take on in life. We want you to
regulate
how much you take on at home, at work, in the community, and with friends. Use your anxiety level as a gauge. When your anxiety climbs above comfortable levels, you have taken on too much, and you must let go of some responsibilities. For example, when Christine feels overly anxious with a friend or coworker, she views it as a sign that she is too involved in trying to help and give advice to that person. She steps back and focuses on her own life. Christine expressed what she gained from treatment:

CHRISTINE: I feel like it was a matter of bringing some balance into my life, so that I take care of other people and they take care of me. I never had that before. I feel calmer now, like I’m not always struggling out of my depth.

The journey out of the Dependence lifetrap is a movement from childhood to adulthood. It is a trading of fear and avoidance for a sense of mastery—for the sense you can function independently in the world. Give up the exhausting struggle to get people to take care of you. Learn to take care of yourself. Learn to believe in your
own
ability to cope by mastering the tasks of life.

ROBERT: THIRTY-ONE YEARS OLD. SUFFERS FROM PANIC ATTACKS.

Robert is visibly upset when he walks into our office. He can barely sit still to tell us what is wrong.

ROBERT: I really don’t know if this is where I belong, but I’ve been told to come here. I’ve been going from doctor to doctor, and no one can find what’s wrong with me. They keep telling me it’s anxiety, that I need to see a shrink.

THERAPIST: What do you think?

ROBERT: I think there really is something physically wrong with me. They just haven’t found it yet.

Robert has been having panic attacks.

ROBERT: Usually how it goes is that all of a sudden, out of the blue, this feeling comes over me. It’s like a feeling of doom. I get dizzy and light-headed and feel like I can’t breathe. My heart starts pounding. And everything feels unreal.

THERAPIST: What does it feel like to you? What do you think is happening?

ROBERT: It feels like I’m having a nervous breakdown. Like I’m going to go crazy on the spot.

Other times Robert believes that he has a brain tumor or a heart problem.

ROBERT: For a long time I would run to the emergency room every time it happened. I thought I was having a heart attack or brain aneurysm or something. Those were the worst ones. I really thought I was dying.

THERAPIST: So you don’t think that anymore?

ROBERT: Well, sometimes I still do. Sometimes I get this funny pressure in my head and I get scared that it’s an aneurysm. But I’ve pretty much learned that I’m going to be all right, that I’m not going to die. I mean, it’s happened so many times. It has to be a really bad one now for me to believe I’m dying. Mostly I worry now about losing my mind.

THERAPIST: What do you mean by „losing my mind“?

ROBERT: Suddenly I’ll start screaming or raving or hearing voices, and it will never stop.

When we ask Robert if any of these things have ever happened, he tells us „no.“ He is just afraid that they are
going
to happen.

HEATHER: FORTY-TWO YEARS OLD. HER FEARS ARE CAUSING HER MARITAL PROBLEMS.

Heather comes to therapy with her husband, Walt. When we ask them what the problem is, they tell us Heather has phobias.

WALT: She won’t do anything. We can’t go on vacation because she won’t get on the plane, and she won’t go in the water, and she won’t get in the elevator. We can’t go into the city on a weekend night because it’s too dangerous. And besides, we can’t spend the money because we have to save every cent. Living with her is like living in prison. It’s driving me crazy!

Heather agrees that her phobias place a lot of restrictions on their activities.

But she resents being pushed to do things.

HEATHER: I prefer to spend my time around the house. It won’t be fun for me to do the things he wants. What kind of vacation would it be for me if I had to spend the whole time worrying about the plane trip back or the trips up in the elevator? Or if I had to spend the whole evening in the city worrying about getting mugged? I would rather not go!

Over the years Heather’s fears have grown worse, and they have become an increasing source of conflict in her marriage.

This questionnaire will measure the strength of your Vulnerability lifetrap. Answer the items using the following scale:

SCORING KEY

1. Completely untrue of me
   
2. Mostly untrue of me
   
3. Slightly more true than untrue of me
   
4. Moderately true of me
   
5. Mostly true of me
   
6. Describes me perfectly
   

If you have any 5’s or 6’s on this questionnaire, this lifetrap may still apply to you, even if your score is in the low range.