Remember This (20 page)

It snows one flake in Seattle and the crazy drivers come out. I never understood why people go 10 MPH on the freeway because there are snow flurries and why people in Subaru’s think they are invincible on the ice. I do miss my winters in Montana though. Maybe we should all go again next year.

The doorbell rings pulling me out of my reverie. That must have been what woke me up in the first place. Who could it be? It’s probably Drey or Kara. My hair is a mess but they have seen me in worse conditions. I am wearing my pajama shorts with pink poodles on them and an old sorority t-shirt. I open the door with my eyes half open and immediately think I am dreaming. Mason is standing there in a black jacket and jeans looking his normal gorgeous, but a little sad self. I suddenly realize this is not a dream.

“Good morning. I didn’t mean to wake you,” he says with an amused smile on his face.

“Hi,” I respond back completely shocked. The cold wind blows over my bare feet and I notice that the yard is covered in snow. “If you’re here for the divorce papers I haven’t had time to finish up my end.”

“That’s not why I’m here. Can I come in?”

“Sure,” I say after a beat. What is this all about? I am trying to control my emotions and not get too worked up. Henry is back but I try to bat him away. I can’t just lose myself every time I see Mason, but that’s what seems to keep happening. Mason is twirling something around in his hands and he has a box under his arm.

“What’s that?” I ask as we walk into the kitchen.

“You must have told your sister I was staying with Scott and Kara.” I give him a perplexed look as we stand across the bar from each other. “Piper sent this to me in the mail. It’s an invitation for a play date,” he chuckles and looks at the pink paper in his hands.

“She really likes you. You’re the crazy uncle that isn’t afraid to have a tea party,” I say smiling now. “Do you want something to drink? Hot chocolate or something?”

“No. I uh…can’t stay,” Mason says as he struggles with each word. “I just came by to tell you about Piper and to ask you to give her this,” he says holding out the pink box that was under his arm. “It’s a snowball thrower. I thought she might like it.” I take the wrapped box and stare at it like I can see right through the paper.

“That was very nice of you. I will give it to her.” For whatever reason, I have the urge to cry. I don’t know if it’s because of Mason’s nice gesture or if I am just so lost in my life and it is all coming to the surface. I fight back the temptation and settle for a casual look.

“Well, I better be going,” Mason says as he waves and heads out the door, closing it behind him. The snowy air drifts over my bare legs again.

I am suddenly very aware of what I am wearing and that my super hot, sad, ex/current husband just saw me wearing my poodle pajamas. What’s interesting is that I notice, but don’t seem to care. I look at the pink box he left for Piper and I feel the tears coming on again. It’s this moment that I realize I have been trying to push my feelings aside for Mason. They do exist and I am just now coming to terms with it. That just made this whole situation that much harder for me. I wonder how Mason is handling all of this. I hope that I wasn’t the only stupid one who fell this hard.

It has been over a month since I saw him at Halloween and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. His piercing blue eyes, his laugh, him with Aiden, his smell. I’ve been so down in the dumps about everything that all I do on the weekends is watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas on repeat. It’s my favorite movie so I hoped that would lift me out of this slump but after the 37
^th
time through I realized it wasn’t going to work. Not even Christmas is making me happy and it’s my favorite time of the year.

The tears spill over onto my cheeks and I wipe them away. I haven’t let myself accept that I am in love with Mason until this moment and I wish it didn’t hurt so badly. I wish I wasn’t sitting here looking crazy, blowing my nose in a tissue trying to accept my feelings for a man that I can’t be with. We lied to each other and we grew apart. He got his memory back and just like I suspected, that meant the end of our relationship. Well, kind of. I guess he had it back for awhile and was just pretending. That’s what I don’t understand though. Why the act?

Another spark of realization hits me. Our relationship didn’t fall apart because of his memory, it fell apart because we lied to each other. And I can’t forget about the girl he brought home. And I bet he can’t forget about Eli. But what does he know about Eli? He must just remember that we were talking a lot. Maybe he has been jealous since I started working with him a few years ago.

I collapse on the couch and try to pull myself together. There is another knock on the door. I get up and swing the door open expecting Kara or Drey again. Nope, wrong again.

“Listen, Lucy, I have been thinking about things and what you said and I wanted to let you know that I understand why you are mad at me,” Mason says as he pushes past me and grabs my arm pulling me with him. He leads me to the couch and my mind is whirling. “I was a lousy husband towards the end and I didn’t give you the attention you deserved. I also shouldn’t have lied to you. You should have been the first person to know when I got my memory back.” He pauses for a second staring at the ground. We sit down on the couch. I am trying to catch up with what is happening. “I guess what I am trying to say is that I really enjoyed the times we had together recently. I know that we fight and that we push each other’s buttons but…”

“But what?” I say finally catching up with the conversation.

“Lucy, I love you and if you are willing to try to make this work, I will do whatever it takes.” I sit motionless and shocked listening to his words. He is staring intently at me. “I have not been able to stop thinking about you and I know we can make this work. I know we will continue to fight and bicker but I would rather be with you and fighting than to not be with you at all.”

I don’t even know what to say. I try to run my hands through my hair in exasperation but my fingers get stuck in the knotted mess within two seconds. I set my hands in my lap and start to figure out my next move. He just said he loves me and that is all I can think about but deep down I know we need to talk about things. I mentally reprimand myself for looking like a complete mess while he looks so beautiful and he is being so romantic. “What about our old issues and you brining a girl home. How can I trust you again? How can you trust me after I lied to you about Eli?”

“Here’s the thing with that girl. She was a client and I had been working on a project for her. I was being my normal, charming self and she thought I was coming on to her. She showed up here and started making a move on me. That’s where the bra came into play. When I told her I wasn’t interested in her and that I was married, she started yelling at me about giving her mixed signals. It was then that I realized that I needed to turn down the charm. Nothing happened though and she left right after that.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?” I suddenly start to feel guilty and stupid for making assumptions.

“You didn’t give me a chance and I didn’t think you wanted to hear it. And about Eli, you didn’t lie about him but you definitely should have filled me in. I know you were just trying to forget about everything from the past and move on and that’s why you didn’t say anything. I’m trying to do that now.”

I take a minute to let this all sink in before I explain my side of the story. “You know, Eli never meant anything to me either. We worked together a lot and there was definitely some sexual tension between us but neither one of us was single so it never amounted to anything. Up until the last year or so, I didn’t want anyone but you so being with Eli wasn’t even an option. To be truthful, I think I was only attracted to him because he reminded me of you,” I say. He sighs.

“Did you guys ever…you know…” Mason trails off unable to finish his sentence but I know what he is trying to say.

“No! We never even kissed. Just flirted mainly,” I explain. I don’t even know what to say. There are so many things going on in my mind that all I can do is sit for a minute and stare at Mason’s profile as he plays with a loose thread on his jeans. I think he is a little nervous. “So all this time I have been wanting to ask you one question,” I say holding my breath a little. I’m getting nervous and my palms are sweating. “Why did you continue to act all in love even after you had your memory back?”

After a slight pause Mason answers. “I guess I could ask you a similar question. But to answer yours first, I didn’t understand why we split up in the first place. We started to act like we did when we were first together and I missed that. It didn’t make sense that we got busy with our jobs and forgot how to be together. Lucy, I loved you regardless of who I was pretending to be.” I just stare at him so he continues. “Why did you play along even though you knew exactly why we broke up?”

This is a question I have been asking myself and I never really came up with a good answer but I explain my reasoning anyways. “Some part of me believed that our relationship could go back to the way it was. You were acting so different, and I was acting like my old self and I thought maybe things could work out. I mean, I always knew you would get your memory back at some point but I was dreading that day because I was afraid we would go back to fighting again and hating each other.”

“So it seems like we both want the relationship we had after we came back from Mexico. It was special to us,” he says. “You do realize that we are capable of having that relationship, right? That was just us being ourselves, forgetting about our past issues. Why can’t we just go back to that?”

“Because that’s just not realistic, Mason. People fight and go their separate ways. It just happens and it happened to us. We can’t forget everything that happened and stay in a fantasy world forever. Who’s to say it won’t happen again and we will have another, bigger falling out,” I say as the bleak reality sets in.

“It doesn’t have to be that way, Lucy,” he says looking a little torn and pained. “I have recently learned that you have to fight for what you want and you can’t let people tell you what to do,” he says and he looks me straight in the eye. He pauses for a second and then continues. “I never told you this before but a few months back, before we started drifting apart, Eli came by the house.” I am beyond shocked at this news. How did Eli even know where I lived? Mason didn’t know much about Eli until a couple of months ago, or so I thought. “He told me that you weren’t happy and that I was a horrible husband. He said that you were better off with him and that I should back off.”

It feels like I have cotton in my mouth. “And you believed him?”

“We had been fighting a little more than usual and my dad was beating me down at work about not being smart enough to run the company and I felt defeated so I listened to what he said. He let me believe that you were better off without me and so I backed off. I let us grow apart,” he sighs as he completes his confession. I am fuming and I can tell my breathing is getting heavy. I get up and start pacing around the room.

“I’m going to kill him,” I mumble under my breath. As I turn around to pace back across the room, I run right into Mason who has gotten up from the couch. We are inches apart and we stare at each other as I pant. My fury starts to fade the longer we stand here.

“I don’t want this to be about him right now,” Mason says bringing his hand up to my cheek. He holds my head in his hand and Henry comes back to me.

“So can we try this, start over new?” Mason asks looking nervous.

I am mesmerized by his gaze and I can’t think of what to say so I say what I have been wanting to say for weeks. “Yes, I think we can try.”

“Good,” he smiles and look of relief crosses his face. “I’d like to take you on a date. I want to do it all over again including dating you. I want to be romantic again and do the fun things we used to do. I miss that.”

“Ok,” I say and I can barely contain my smile. Then, my blood starts to boil again. “But first, I have something to take care of,” I say brushing past him, grabbing my jacket and keys.

“Where are you going?” Mason asks looking surprised.

“I’m going to pay Eli a visit,” I say as I streak out the door to the garage.

I leave Mason standing in the living room. Jeeze it is freezing out here. I should have put pants on but I don’t have time. I don’t even care that I look like a crazy person with poodle pajamas. He was out of line talking to Mason and I have a few choice words for him. I screech out of the driveway in time to see Mason come flying out of the front door and stand in the front yard. I think I can see him smiling. He knows how crazy I can be when I am angry.

I drive slowly through the snow across town and within twenty minutes I am in Eli’s driveway. We had a work Christmas party over here once so I knew where his house was. I kick up some snow in my haste to park and it hits the carolers singing next door. I wave apologetically then get back to the task at hand. I walk up on the porch and pound on his front door. I’m not sure what my plan is but I know I am angry enough to do almost anything. I look down at the pathetic, dead plant on the porch sitting in a big planter and get some inspiration.

The door opens. “Lucy, what are you doing here?” Eli asks. He is in a nice, blue cashmere sweater and light jeans. He eyes me and I try to pretend that I am just over for a casual visit. I grab the big planter and struggle to lift it into my arms. I can feel Eli watching me. I finally have the planter secured and Eli looks shocked.

“Hello, Eli. May I come in?” I say in my sweetest voice as I push past him into the entry way. Shit, this planter is a lot heavier than I thought. I shuffle into the kitchen almost dropping the plant I plan to use as a weapon, and hoist it up on the bar.

“What are you doing with my flowers?”

“I see your girlfriend isn’t home,” I say walking over to the sink, ignoring his question. “I don’t think she will enjoy cleaning up this mess.” My plan sounds stupid but I don’t have any other options. I just have to go for it. I wet my hands and grab a handful of dirt from the planter. Eli is now standing across the bar from me.