Remember to Forget, Revised and Expanded (23 page)

Mitchell points to my phone. “C-Can you t-talk?”

I feel my cheeks blush. I nod. “I just don't want to.”

“Oh,” Mitchell says, taking a deep breath. “Th-That's cool.” He twiddles his thumbs,
and finally looks up at me.

I wonder why Mitchell stutters. If it's something he's always had, or if it's nerves.
But it's okay. After we talk for a while, I don't notice it as much. He says cool
at least ten times, but that's okay too. I cry too much, he says cool too much. Everyone
has their things. But the more we talk, the less he says cool and the less I feel
like crying.

I actually kind of like “talking” to Mitchell. He's not so bad. Candace was right,
it might help. We're sort of alike, I guess, in the talking area, anyways. He said
he doesn't like Skittles, and I almost ended it right then and there, but I didn't.
I'm not sure why.

I don't know what's happening to me. Old Levi would have never given Mitchell a chance.

“I-I'll see y-you around, Levi?” Mitchell says once we've been talking almost an
hour. He says it more like a question, like he's unsure I'll want to see him again.

“Yeah,” I type. “I'll see you later.”

Chapter Thirty-Two

LEVI

I
'm about to video chat my mum when Delilah shows up at my house. People always
seem to show up whenever I video chat someone. I don't mind, though. Then my mum
has someone to actually talk to.

I'm not avoiding Delilah anymore. Actually, we've been hanging out for the past
few days. Candace, and Aiden too, helped me realize that avoiding her isn't going
to help anything. I can't try to push away all the feelings I have when I'm around
her; I have to try to figure them out.

I don't like trying to figure out my feelings, though. It's very confusing for me.

“Hey!” Delilah says, sitting beside me on my bed.

I smile at her and wave.

“I was thinking, since I probably won't have school again tomorrow, maybe we could
go see a movie or something?” she asks, propping herself up on her elbow. She's been
off from school the past two days due to the snow.

I nod. My laptop starts ringing.

“Oh, were you about to video chat Caleb or something? I can go,” she says, getting
up. I pull her back down beside me and accept my mum's call.

“Hi, Levi! Hi?” my mum says, seeming confused as to why there's an unfamiliar girl
beside me on my bed. I can see why she looks concerned.

I look over at Delilah.

“Hi! I'm Delilah! I'm Levi's . . . friend!” Delilah says.

“Oh, I've heard about you! Nice to meet you!” my mum says.

Delilah's cheeks blush, and she looks at me from the corner of her eyes and smirks.
“Oh?”

“How's the weather?” my mum asks in an attempt to change the subject.

“Snowy. Cold,” Delilah says.

“It's pretty warm up here. Do you miss the warm weather, Levi?”

I shake my head. I like the snow.

“He likes the snow a lot,” Delilah says, laughing, as if she can read my mind. “He
just gets cold really quickly and steals all the blankets.”

My mum laughs, and I can tell she's suspicious that something is going on between
Delilah and me.

Which there isn't.

“Do you have plans for Christmas?” Delilah asks my mum.

Mum gets quiet. “I'm not sure. It'll be just me since Levi's not here. Caleb's family
invited me over, so I may be with them.”

I never even thought about the fact she'd be alone on Christmas. She's alone every
day. I wonder what she does without me around. I wonder if she's constantly worried
about me. Her time used to be spent caring for me, but now I'm not there for her
to look after.

“Oh,” Delilah says, not quite knowing how to respond. “I'm sure whatever you do will
be great!”

“I hope so. Christmas won't be the same without Levi.”

I bite down on my lip, suddenly missing my mum more than ever. It's been so long
since I've seen her. I don't like thinking about the fact she'll be alone on Christmas.
My being in Maine is probably harder on her than it is on me.

Not long into the video chat, Delilah's phone rings. She leaves the room and returns
after a few minutes.

“That was work. I guess they need me to come in. Do you think you could watch Lucy
for me? My parents are going out in an hour, and I was supposed to watch her,” Delilah
says quickly.

I'm not sure I can take care of Lucy on my own. It shouldn't be that hard, though.
She's a pretty simple kid. I nod slowly.

“Really? You're the best. Okay, I'll be right back!” Delilah says.

When she leaves, my mom starts talking about her and asking me questions.

“Is she your girlfriend?” she asks.

I shake my head, feeling my cheeks heat up.

“Do you want her to be?”

I shrug and nervously chew on my bottom lip.

“It's okay if you do,” Mum reassures me.

My mum knows about the voice mail. I played it for her the day after I listened to
it because I needed advice. I was so upset, and I knew Mum would be able to talk
me through it. I thought about asking my dad about it too, but decided against it.
He didn't know Delia, so he probably wouldn't have been much help. My mum thought
it was extremely sad, but said it should give me hope for the future. Those were
her exact words.

I blankly stare at my mum through the computer.

“I like her. She's very nice,” my mum says.

I nod slowly.

Delilah comes back a little later with Lucy, who is very excited to see me.

“Levi!” she shrieks, jumping up and down. I pull her up onto the bed, and she waves
to my mum. “Are you Levi's mommy?”

“I am! And who are you?”

“I'm Lucy. I'm three.” Lucy always introduces herself by telling her age. “I'll be
four in, uh, Janwary?” She pronounces it wrong, but it's cute.

“It's in February,” Delilah tells her, laughing.

“Febwary. I'll be four in Febwary!” Lucy says excitedly.

“That's great!” my mum says, sounding as excited as Lucy.

Delilah tries to hug Lucy before leaving, but she squirms away from her and clings
to me. I put Lucy on my lap, and she leans against me.

“Bye-bye, Lila!” Lucy says as Delilah leaves. She has a hard time saying Delilah,
so she calls her Lila sometimes. I like that nickname.

“Bye, Lucy! Be good for Levi, okay?”

“I will!”

Lucy grabs both my hands and puts them in front of her, and she holds tightly onto
them. She moves them and claps them in front of her, giggling every few minutes as
my mum talks.

“Whoaaaa,” Lucy says, pressing my hand to her face. “It's as big as my head!” she
shrieks, even though it's muffled by my hand.

I laugh and pull my hand away from her face. She continues to hold my hands as I
video chat.

My mum tells me how Caleb is doing. It's summertime in Australia, so he's not in
classes right now. By this time next year, he'll be done with school. I wonder where
I'll be a year from now.

Once we're done video chatting, I say bye to my mum, and Lucy complains she's hungry.

“I want fruit snacks,” she says as she follows me into the kitchen.

I have to lift Lucy up to set her in a chair while I search for fruit snacks in the
kitchen. We don't have any, though. I knew we wouldn't—I don't think we've ever had
fruit snacks.

Lucy ends up having cookies, and I'm afraid she'll choke from talking with so much
food in her mouth. Thankfully, she doesn't. I don't know what I would've done if
she had choked.

“Can we play hide and seek?” Lucy asks when she finishes her cookies.

I nod.

“I'll count first!” Lucy says, jumping off her chair and covering her eyes. “One,
two, three . . .”

I quickly walk to the closest hiding spot I see, which is under the table. I almost
hit my head, but I don't.

“Ten!” Lucy yells.

She turns around and runs down the hallway, oblivious to the fact that I was hiding
right next to her.

I hear her footsteps run back to where I am a few minutes later. She looks behind
the couch, as if I could possibly fit behind there, and then she finally finds me.

“I got you! I was super-duper fast. You gotta try to do better!” she yells, laughing.
“Your turn to count!”

I count in my head, giving Lucy more time than she gave me. I wait until I can't
hear her footsteps anymore, and then I search. It can't be that hard to find her.

I look under the table because I remember when I was little, I would always hide
wherever someone else had. She's not under there. I check my room; she's not there
either.

I start to get worried after a few minutes go by and I still haven't found her.

I check every single room in my house. She's so small, she could fit practically
anywhere. But she's nowhere to be found.

I get even more worried when I realize the back door is open.

She couldn't have gone outside, could she?

I notice the tiny footprints in the snow.

She's definitely out there.

I quickly put on my jacket and shoes to go find Lucy. I can't believe she went outside.
Isn't the first rule of hide and seek to not go outside? Are there even rules to
hide and seek?

My heart starts pounding, and my hands start shaking. I can't get a panic attack
now. Deep breaths, Levi. I focus on the footprints instead of my anxiety.

How have I lost Lucy when I've only been with her for less than two hours?

When I get to the trees in my backyard, I can't see any footprints. I check the
obvious spots behind bushes and trees, but there's no Lucy.

This can't be happening. I debate texting Delilah or Aiden, but I don't want them
to not trust me. The first job I have been given, and I mess up. I screw everything
up.

Of course my dad is at work too. There's no one to help me.

If I were a three-year-old, where would I hide? She probably isn't too far. I walk
through the woods that are connected to my backyard, listening for Lucy.

It's been over ten minutes. How far could she have gone?

After fifteen minutes of searching, I'm about to break down. I'm so scared I'll never
find her. She could be anywhere. We never should have played hide and seek. Trying
to find a three-year-old hiding in the snow is nearly impossible. There are so many
different places she could be.

I notice a pink ribbon in the snow, the same pink ribbon Lucy had in her hair today.
She has to be somewhere around here.

My breathing has been quickening, and I'm trying so hard not to hyperventilate. The
freezing temperature outside isn't helping either.

I realize that in order to find Lucy, she's either going to have to be calling for
me or I have to call for her.

But I can't call for her. I
can't.

My heart rate increases even more, and it feels like my heart is about to burst through
my chest. I open my mouth, but close it.

I can't. I don't even know if I
can
talk anymore.

I shake my head and shut my eyes tightly. Maybe this is all just a bad nightmare.
I open my eyes, and I'm still standing amongst a hundred trees. I tug at the ends
of my hair and crouch down in the snow. How could I have been this stupid? I rub
my eyes to try to stop myself from crying and stand up as best as I can with my shaky
legs. I feel like I'm about to pass out. Everything is getting blurry. I quickly
blink and take some deep breaths.

I clear my throat and lick my lips. I take another deep breath and slowly let it
out.

That's when I hear her call my name.

“Levi!” I hear someone say quietly.

I turn around to where I heard her voice, and see Lucy sitting down in the snow,
tears streaming down her face. She's hugging her knees to her chest, and her cheeks
are pink.

I run over to her and pick her up, wrapping her in my jacket to try to get her warmer.

“You didn't find me,” she chokes out. “It took you so long, I got scared. I saw Sven,
and—and, I wanted to give him a hug, so I went outside and he came out here and then
I didn't know where I was and you weren't here and it's so cold out and I was so
scared,” she says in one long sentence through her sobs.

She wraps her arms around my neck, still crying.

I feel like the worst person in the whole world. She's so upset. I'm happy I found
her, but I'm so mad at myself for losing her. I walk back to my house, my heart still
racing. I can feel Lucy shivering.

“I'm so scared,” she says again. “I thought you'd never find me.”

I take a deep breath and ignore my racing heart. “You'll be okay,” I whisper. “I'm
sorry.”

“You—You talked,” Lucy says, picking her head up from my shoulder.

“Yeah,” I whisper.

I forgot what my voice even sounded like. It's lower than I remember. I know that
if I want to comfort Lucy, I'll have to talk. She's so frightened right now, I can't
not talk to her.

“I thought you couldn't,” she says quietly.

I shake my head.

“I just wanna go home,” she says.

I take her back to my house and give her one of my sweatshirts to wear, even though
it's longer than her whole body. I wrap her in two blankets and put her in front
of the heater, worried that she'll never warm up.

I sit with her on the couch for a while because she's so scared. She cries for a
very long time, which is expected. She was outside alone for over twenty minutes.
I'd be scared too if I were her.

I text Delilah to tell her what happened. She responds, saying she'll be over soon.