Remembering Phoenix (25 page)

The waitress drops off our food, and we dig in.

“Mmm. This is so freaking good,” she says between bites. She puts another piece into her mouth. “How have I never heard of Lucy’s? And why have you just now brought me here? This should be like a weekly thing. And you were right. This shake… a complete life changer.”

I smile as she talks with her mouth full. She smiles back at me before taking a big gulp of her milkshake. That smile on her face, the ones that touch her eyes, is so rare that I’d do anything in this world to make it a common occurrence.

She rambles on about the fries and the shake and the pictures hanging on the wall. She talks so animatedly, but I’m so lost in just staring at
her
that I have no idea what exactly it is that she’s saying. She tucks her hair behind her ear every few minutes. It’s like a nervous tick, a habit that she does for comfort. When she smiles, she has this dimple that pops up directly underneath her eyebrow. It’s so tiny, it’s hardly noticeable, but I notice it. I notice everything about her. And right now, she’s the most beautiful I’ve ever seen her. She’s not letting the weight of the world weigh her down, she’s forgotten about the problems of her past that are still haunting her. Everything she’s dealing with was left right outside that diner door. I might just bring her here every single day if it means she enjoys a single moment without letting guilt drag her down.

“So, yeah,” she states, “this place is amazing. These walls, their photos tell a million different stories, yet they all have one common meaning.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

She looks around and sighs heavily. “To live.”

“To live,” I repeat. “Nice. Living in spite of everything life has thrown at you, yeah?”

She just nods her head, smiling softly. I reach across the booth, grabbing her hands in mine. My thumbs make a path across her knuckles as we stare at each other. She just stares into my eyes as I stare into her soul. I can see the fear of the unknown washing across her face. “Exactly,” she breathes out.

Life. I don’t really know what to make of it most days. I’m happy.
So
happy with Slayter that it’s just stupid. But underneath all of that happiness he brings to me, there is still this underlying blanket of sadness that I carry with me everywhere I go. As much as he brings light into my life, that darkness will never go away. It won’t ever go away until my memory comes back.

It sounds senseless, I’m sure, but that’s just the way it is for me. How can I move on when I have literally nothing to move on from? If I had something to grasp on to for the days I feel like I’m crumbling, it wouldn’t suffocate me so badly.

I am getting better, though. At least I think I am. I
feel
like the world doesn’t push down on my chest as often as she used to. So that’s progress, right?

I owe it all to Slayter.

Just the thought of him makes me smile.

I grab a handful of Chex Mix from Mom’s snack jar. Popping a few pieces in my mouth, I take a seat at the table. “So,” I say in the midst of chewing, “why did you insist I come over?”

“I’ve just missed you, honey. I haven’t seen you in weeks, and have hardly even heard from you.” She tucks some hair behind her ear, smiling at me like she’s got something up her sleeve.

“Hmm.” I pop some more Chex Mix into my mouth.

“I promise. That’s all,” she insists. “So, what have you been up to? How’s work? How’s Slayter?”

I choke at the mention of Slayter. I haven’t spoken about him to anyone, really. Of course Lizzie knows, she is married to his brother.
That is not to my advantage.

“I really love how the house smells. Is that clean cotton?”

“Charlotte,” Mom chides, “you are ignoring my question.”

“Or is it that ocean breeze smell?”

“Charlotte Blake…”

I give in. “What about him?”

“Lizzie says you two have been dating.”

“She what?” Oh, I am going to kill her. She is D.E.A.D. when I see her again. “We are.  But it’s nothing too serious.”
It could be
, I think to myself. It could be if I’d allow it to be. But I can’t open my heart up like that for fear it would only be ripped from me in an instant. I’m a lightning rod, virtually begging to be struck down on with a deadly volt at any given moment.

“Well… I think he’s a fine young man.” She takes a sip of her coffee before wiping her mouth with a napkin. I can tell that she wants to say more, but she doesn’t. She never does.

“Yeah, he’s pretty great. But Mom, don’t go off thinking you’ll be planning a wedding soon. That would never,
ever
happen. Like I said, not too serious.”

She looks at me over the top of her glasses and just smiles that knowing smile. I’m not fooling anyone. Not even myself. Everyone can see a change in me. I can see a change in me. He’s brought a spark into my life I never knew possible. He continues to try to get me to open up more. But, as much as I want to, I can’t give every part of myself to him. I can see it in his eyes that he would give anything if I let that last wall around me crumble, but I’ve convinced myself that I need it. I know I could love him if I just unlocked that piece of me, but I’m not emotionally ready to let that go. I’m not strong enough to give the world the chance to rip someone else from me. So I have to keep him at arm’s length. If I tell myself enough that I don’t already love him, I hope one day I’ll start to believe it. When you love, it makes everything complicated. There comes expectations and progression. Progression isn’t something I’m capable of, and expectations are something I always fail at.

“Okay, dear,” she relents, knowing that I am done with the topic at hand.

We talk a little bit more about my photography and about the vacation she and Dad have coming up next month to Crested Butte, Colorado. We talk about her charity event she does every year. She raises money to help families who can’t afford for their kids to play sports. They raised enough money last year so over one hundred and fifty kids could play baseball and softball, including buying their uniforms and all equipment. I decide to donate two photography sessions to put in the auction in hopes that it’ll help them reach their goal of two hundred kids next year.

Suddenly, Mom gets super quiet, smiling really big, her blue eyes shining from the sunlight beaming through the bay windows. “What?” I ask.

“Nothing dear. Could you get me a water out of the fridge?” She still has a crooked smile on her face.

“Sure.” I let the word drag out. I get up from the table to get her a water when I see my sister standing behind me. “Lizzie!” I squeal.

I close the distance between us in an instant and wrap my arms around my sister. Her dark hair tangles all in my face, but I don’t even care. God, I’ve missed her since she moved to California.

“Surprise.” She laughs.

“Oh my gosh! I can’t believe you’re home! Why are you home? I mean, I’m so excited, but it’s so soon. I wasn’t expecting you back until Thanksgiving.”

She releases me. We both wipe the happy tears from our eyes. “Stet and I just wanted to see our family. We’re only here for two days, though. We both have to get back to work Tuesday.”

My excitement fades just a little at the short amount of time I’ll get with my sister. But any time is better than nothing, I suppose. “Where is Stetson?” I ask, not seeing him anywhere.

“I dropped him off at Slayter’s house a little while ago.”

I can’t help the butterflies that start fluttering around in my stomach at the mere mention of Slayter’s name. The thought of him, it just makes me… happy. In spite of all the sadness swirling inside, he’s my happy place. And happy is a feeling I’m slowly becoming accustomed to. “Oh. Okay.” I try to sound as indifferent as possible.

“They’ll be over in a bit. No worries.” She winks at me.

I roll my eyes, laughing. “That’s cool, I guess. It’ll be nice to see my brother-in-law.”
And Slayter,
I think to myself. I haven’t seen him in a few days. He’s been so busy with work and I have been so bogged down with sessions and editing that we haven’t been able to make time to see each other. My missing him is growing by the second.

We sit at the table with mom after we all say our hellos, chatting about Lizzie’s new job and their condo in California. Lizzie asks about me and what I’ve been up to, but I successfully dance around the subject of Slayter. I don’t feel the need to really talk about him to anyone. It’s not like I am keeping him a secret, but I feel the details surrounding
us
should remain sacred. They’re my moments of contentment, my sanctuary of hope and healing, and I don’t want to share that with anyone for fear once I let it out into the world, it won’t be my real anymore.

“I can’t wait until Stetson and Slayter get here. We have big plans for today.”

“Like what?” I ask.

She smiles. “You’ll see.”

“You know I hate surprises,” I joke.

She rolls her eyes. “Don’t take the fun out of this for me. I just surprised you when I showed up. You seemed to love that.”

I nod. “This is very true.”

Minutes later, I hear the doorbell ring, the front door opening moments after. “Hello!” Stetson calls out. “Where is my beautiful wife and in-laws?”

Lizzie beams as she gets up from the table. “In here!”

Stetson walks into the room, sliding his glasses on top of his head. Lizzie meets him, kissing her husband gently as he wraps his wife in his arms. “Hey, gorgeous.”

In walks Slayter directly behind his brother, looking so effortlessly perfect. He’s wearing a pullover jacket with track pants and tennis shoes, and comfy has literally never looked so delicious. His hair is tousled, still wet from his morning shower.

When he catches sight of me, the breath gets knocked right out of my lungs. He smiles so big, like I’m the best thing he’s ever seen. All my talking about keeping what we have between us just dissipates in my mind. I’m a jumbled mess of mush. All I see is him, and all I want to do is wrap my arms around him and feel
safe.

I push up from the table, my eyes never leaving his. He steps from around Stetson and Lizzie, making his way towards me. In a few short seconds, his arms wrap around my waist and mine around his neck. He lifts my feet off the ground in a warm embrace, swooping down until his lips meet mine. I see no one but him. I hear nothing but my heartbeat thrumming against my chest, echoing in my eardrums, as the warmth of his kiss seeps into my bones, finding its way into the depths of my soul, successfully chiseling off another piece of the stone surrounding it.

“Hi,” he whispers against my lips.

“Hi.” I can’t stop the grin that spreads across my face.

He lets me back down on my feet, but never releasing his hold from me. “I like your shirt.”

I look down at my
very
worn out band tee. It cost two dollars at a thrift shop. It was black, so I grabbed it. Now, I’m wishing I would have changed into something a little less thrifty. “I wasn’t planning on you coming over,” I admit.

He flicks my chin with his thumb. “I really like it. I like anything you wear,” he bends down close to my ear so only I can hear, “or don’t wear.”

My cheeks burn as they turn different shades of red. He gazes down at me like he’s ready to devour me whole. If we weren’t at my parents’ house, I would let him.

“Well… nothing serious, is it?” Mom interjects, walking closer to us.

Crap.

“Yeah. Well, we like each other,” Slayter smiles down at me, “a lot, ma’am.” Slayter puts his hand on the small of my back, reaching out the other to my mother. “Hi, Mrs. McGee. Good to see you again.”

She takes his hand in hers. “That’s nonsense. Mrs. McGee was my mother-in-law. Call me Kathy. So nice to see you again. Now give me a hug.” Slayter hugs her, as she whispers something in his ear. I try to listen, but it’s no use.

He’s back at my side moments later. Mom beams, looking between the both of us. I know what’s on her mind. She’s probably thinking that I will, in fact, get married one day and she’ll be able to do all the things with me she did with Lizzie. But that will never happen. In order for me to get married, I have to be whole. I don’t see that happening… in this lifetime or the next. Thankfully, though, Slayter accepts me for who I am, brokenness and all. He understands I’ll never be able to give every single thing to him, and he’s okay with that. At least I think he is. He says he is. “I’ve been hearing so many good things about you,” Mom cheers.