Remembering Phoenix (26 page)

I roll my eyes. “Mom. Stop.”

Slayter nudges me. “Well, that’s a surprise. She usually likes to keep her fondness for me locked away to herself.” He leans in closer, whispering to my mother, “I think she’s ashamed of me or something.”

I cringe at his words. It brings back memories of the night at Lizzie and Stetson’s moving away party. It wasn’t my finest hour, and the events that followed that only sent me down deeper. I was sinking so deep, I wasn’t sure I would be able to crawl my way up.

Then Slayter showed up at the cemetery. I knew it wasn’t happenstance. I’ve never been ashamed of him. I could never be. The only thing I’m ashamed of is not being enough for him. Because no matter how much he says he wants me for
me
, I’ll never be enough for, or worthy of, him. He’s too good. He’s not an asshole, he’s not arrogant like I used to think. First impressions aren’t always accurate, I have learned that with Slayter.

“Hey,” he says, “I was only joking.” He kisses the top of my head. His one, simple touch makes all my worries fade.

The rest of the morning is spent watching television, catching up on gossip, and just enjoying visiting with my sister and brother-in-law. I didn’t realize how much I needed this. Family. Conversation. Laughter.

Am I getting laugh lines?

I sit down at the table, ready to eat the food Lizzie and Stetson have had catered for us. “I’ve been dying for Japanese,” Lizzie gushes. I watch in astonishment as my sister stuffs food in her mouth left and right, amazed that she can physically inhale so much food.

I pick around, eating the food I actually like, which is the rice, minus the vegetables mixed in. I’m about to cut the silence when Dad walks in. He throws his keys on the counter and looks around. “Hey.” He scans the table when he spots Slayter and I sitting together, closer than normal, non-couple, people would ever sit. His eyebrows pinch together as he throws his arm in our direction. “Is this like a Beck and McGee family reunion?” he asks, smiling.

Slayter stands up, and greets my dad. “Hi Mr. McGee. Good to see you. I, uhm. Yeah…” Slayter fumbles on his words as Dad looks between the two of us. My face falls, nervous because this sudden silence is deafening.

“What’s going on here?” His eyes narrow in on the both of us. My eyes widen at the realization of him catching on. I’m not sure why I’m nervous. I guess because this is all so new to me. Relationships. Family gatherings. Everything.

“Charlie and I. Uhm,” he scratches his head, “we’re sort of seeing each other.”

My face drops in my hands, and I try to tune out every other word spoken. My ears are drumming from the erratic beat of my heart, so it’s not a difficult task to accomplish.

I could be sitting there seconds, minutes, or hours. It’s all the same right now. Everything is running together.

My dad taps on my shoulder. “Charlie Girl.”

I look up at him nervously. “Yes?”

“Why have you been keeping him from me? Stetson ran off to California, so I have no one to golf with. I could have been golfing with this guy all this time.” He points his thumb behind him towards Slayter. “But ya never told me about him.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. Smiling at him, I stand up and walk into his arms. He kisses me on the top of the head before he releases me.

“Sorry,” I say, “but I should warn you, Slayter. Dad, he might be old, but he’s a killer on the green.”

Dad smirks. “Old? I’m forever young, Charlie Girl. You should know that.”

“Yeah, yeah. I hear you old man.”

“So,” he starts, “are you two a couple? Are you serious?” He positions his body between Slayter and me.

My jaw is firmly planted on the floor, speechless he would ask that question. A question I don’t even have an answer for. I don’t think we are. Who has time for labels? Do I want labels? I mean, neither one of us are seeing anyone else. And we have very clearly solidified a relationship on more than one occasion.

But what are we? We’ve never really talked about it. Are we serious? Casual? Nothing? Anything?

I go to answer
no
, but Slayter blurts out, “Yes.”

And my jaw falls
through
the floor this time. He just gave us a label. The confession makes my stomach tie in knots. It’s terrifying yet exhilarating at the same time.

He winks at me and suddenly every worry I had moments be just doesn’t matter anymore. Why should it, when he accepts my unusual circumstance of
life
and living, and takes me for who I am?

After a few moments of letting the last few seconds of my life sink in, I sit back down. Slayter slides my chair under the table before sitting down next to me. Leaning in, he whispers in my ear, “I hope that was okay.” I just smile softly and give him a nod, reassuring him it is okay because right now, I am about as okay as I’ve ever been. 

“Everyone,” Lizzie says, standing from her seat. Everyone else stops their chatter, directing their attention to her. “Stetson and I have an announcement to make.” She looks around the table, smiling from ear to ear. The room remains silent for a moment before she exclaims, “We’re having a baby!”

Mom gasps and instantly starts crying. Dad leans back in his chair, staring blankly for a moment before his eyes start to water with unshed tears. Slayter just grins widely as he gets up from the chair to hug his brother. Me? I just sit, shocked, yet so excited for my little sister. A part of me is sad. Sad that I never got to experience this excitement when I got pregnant.

Phoenix was an accident. I was eighteen and fresh out of high school when I decided I wanted to rebel and be a party girl, sneaking into bars every night with a fake ID so I could drink until I couldn’t stand on my own two feet. Drinking turned to drugs and one night stands. Then, I got pregnant with Phoenix. I only know all of these things because I found a journal I had kept at the time. Nearly every single day I wrote in that journal. The good. The bad. The ugly.

I ripped the page out that holds the journal entry from the day after I found out I was pregnant. I keep it folded up in my wallet at all times because it’s the only thing I feel like shows me how I truly felt about becoming a mother. The words etched into the paper are seared into my memory. It’s sitting in my clutch, folded up, but I can recite it like it’s sitting directly in front of me.

August 1,
2006

Yesterday my entire life changed.

I took a pregnancy test. I wasn’t feeling myself and I started throwing up. I went to the drug store and stole a test. I’m not proud of that fact by any means, but I was far too scared for anyone to see me buying a pregnancy test, so I did the only thing I could think of. It was stupid and I’ll figure out a way to pay it back one day soon. I promise.

I’m addicted to drugs. I like popping pills. I drink more than I breathe most days.

Until yesterday, anyway.

That test I took… it was positive.

Two pink lines changed everything for me.

Everything.

I’m terrified. I’m not even nineteen years old yet. I don’t even know who the father of this baby is, nor do I know where to even begin to figure that out.

What will I tell my child when he or she asks where their father is? Do I tell them the truth? Or do I lie?

No. I won’t lie.

I won’t lie because this baby deserves the best from me, and the best from me isn’t a liar. I’ll be honest. And maybe, just maybe, they won’t make the same mistakes I have made.

I don’t have friends to lean on because all of my ‘friends’ were influences that I no longer need around.

I’m scared. So damn scared.

But can I be honest for a second? I’m grateful.

This baby will save my life, because now I have a purpose. I have a reason to live and love.

So little one, if you ever read this, I want you to know that you might have been an accident, completely unplanned, but you are the furthest thing from a mistake. You are every good and pure thing in my world. Starting at this very second, everything I do, I’m doing all for you.

My first act of love for you will be wiping myself clean of my past. My past is toxic. You don’t need toxicity in your life. We don’t need it in our lives.

Thanks to you, I’ll rise from the ashes of my messed up life. I’ll be better, because you deserve the best.

I’m scared, but I can do this. We can do this.

I can’t believe you’re in my belly.

I can’t believe that I’m your mommy.

I hope you know that you saved me.

I’ll love you all of my days and then some.

Love, Me-Your mommy.

(Holy shit.)

I blink back the tears and shake the words from my head. As many emotions as the past few minutes have brought me, this day isn’t about me and my problems. It’s about my sister and her exiting news. “Hey,” Slayter whispers, sliding into the chair next to mine. “You okay, babe?”

“Yeah,” I answer. “I’m good. Sorry.”

He pulls my face towards his. “Stop saying you’re sorry. I know this has got to be hard on you. You have every right to feel bittersweet about this. Babe, it’s okay. What you’re feeling is okay.”

A smile pulls at my cheeks. He always knows what to say to talk me down from my emotions. I reach in and give him a kiss on the lips before I get up, making my way to my sister. “Liz! I’m so happy for you.” I wrap my sister in a hug. “I can’t believe you’re going to be a mom.” I smile for my sister and her little family.

“I know. Me neither,” she cries. “It was such a surprise, but we are so excited.” She pulls away from me. Never releasing my arms, she looks me in the eye. “Are you okay with this?”

“Of course,” I say. “Why on earth wouldn’t I be?” I feign ignorance, but we both know what she’s referring to.

“I was afraid this would be too hard on you,” she says, her voice barely above a whisper. Her ice blue eyes glass over with tears. “I know it’s probably tough on you. I just don’t want to hurt your feelings in any way.”

I wave the air with my hands. “Liz. Stop. You don’t have to walk on eggshells around me. I’m so damn happy for you and Stetson. You will both be the best parents to that sweet baby. I say it’s a girl, by the way.”

She smiles as a tear escapes her eye. “I also wanted to ask you two things.”

“What’s that?”

“The first thing is, will you be the baby’s godmother?”

“Really?” I ask, completely shocked and honored. “Me?”

She brings me back in for another hug. “Yes you. There’s no one else on earth I’d entrust with being the godmother of my child more than you.”

“Absolutely.”

Stetson walks up by her, wrapping his wife in his arms. She looks up at him before looking back at me. “I also want to name the baby Blake, whether it’s a girl or boy. After you and, and… after Phoenix.” She fumbles, her words laced with worry and pure emotion.

Now, I’m the one crying. My emotions flood me without warning. Every ounce of tears I suppressed earlier come barreling down my cheeks like a roaring waterfall. I’m a convoluted mess. “I’m so honored,” I choke out. “I don’t…I don’t know what to say.”

By now my entire family is all misty eyed, gathering around us. Mom brings us both in for a hug and mumbles, “I love you both so very much.”

We remain that way for several seconds until Dad cuts in. “Can I hug my girls now?”

Releasing each other, Mom and Lizzie both wipe underneath their eyes. Dad hugs us each one-by-one. We all continue congratulating Lizzie and Stetson before Slayter makes his way back over towards me. He interlaces his fingers in mine, kissing me ever-so-gently on the top of my head. His presence alone calms the raging waters roaring inside my heart.

The past few days have been hectic. Lizzie and Stetson crashed at my place while they were in. I all but begged Charlie to stay over, but she refused. Sometimes she tries so hard to pull away without even realizing she’s doing it. Her defense mechanisms damn near kill me. I know she’s terrified of completely letting me in because she’s still scarred by all the shit life has thrown at her. I don’t blame her one bit, but I just wish she would see that I am not going anywhere. She can push and she can pull, but I’m pretty damn flexible. She can bend me all she wants, but I’m not breaking.