Resilience (9 page)

“You try laying one hand on me—”

“And what?” Todd yelled, getting a small thrill from the way his father’s eyes widened in surprise. “You gonna call the cops? Go ahead. I don’t even care anymore. You know why?” Todd didn’t give his old man a second to answer. “Because I finally figured out, there is nothing I can do to make you or Mother happy. Y’all will always find a reason to abuse me.”

“Abuse?” his father sneered. “Lies fall off your tongue too easy, boy. You’ve only ever gotten what you had coming.” He came a little closer but Todd noticed his hand shook when he raised it to point at him. “You’ve deserved every mark we’ve left on you!”

As his father stood shouting at him, spittle flying with every word, Todd’s own anger melted away. There was no reasoning with the man, Todd knew that as surely as he knew his own name. It was time for this to end.

“You need to leave,” he repeated, this time calmly. His side throbbed, his arm, too, and there were a half-dozen other places he’d be bruised and tender tomorrow. He wanted to go and take a long bath and pop a few pain pills. “I want my key. If you won’t return it, I’ll change the locks or move. I don’t want you here ever again.”

His father looked like he was on the verge of having a stroke, his face almost purpling with his rage. Todd made very sure to remain unaffected by that, at least on the outside.

Inside he was quivery and scared, but knew this was the right thing to do.

“Don’t come here, don’t drive by, don’t contact me at work, either. Until you can treat me with respect—” His father scowled, and for some stupid reason, that hurt as much as one of his fists did. Todd didn’t even wince, though. “And if you can’t ever do that, then I guess we’re done. I won’t be what you want anymore, and I have been, no matter what you say.

You wanted a whipping boy. Well, I’m not a boy now, and if you raise your fists to me again, you’ll find out just what it feels like to be beaten until you can hardly walk.”

“You wouldn’t dare to touch me,” his father seethed, “I’m your father and you have to respect me!”

Todd shook his head and opened the door. “You’re nothing more to me than someone

who has hurt me too many times. Leave the key on your way out.”

“You’ll regret this. You’ll burn in Hell and your time here on Earth will be cursed And—”

“Get out.” Todd was done. He stood up as straight as he could considering his ribs hurt like hellfire. He didn’t flinch or look away from his old man’s face, watching the shock and rage there. For a man of God, his father sure had a lot of meanness in him. “My key, please.”

That please about killed him, but Todd was determined not to be a petty, hateful person.

His father took the key off his key ring and threw it at Todd, hitting him in the neck.

“You are nothing to me. Nothing!”

That was better than being a punching bag, a victim, Todd figured, so he nodded. His father shouldered by him, deliberately slamming into him. Todd had given him plenty of room to get by. Rather than let it get to him, he told himself that was the last time he’d have to put up with such treatment—even though he hadn’t exactly put up with it this time. At least it was over, and Todd’s relief helped ease the knowledge that he’d lost what family he’d had.

He didn’t watch his father get in his car or drive off. Instead he locked the door then went and ran the hottest water he could stand. A few ibuprofen and a bottle of water, and Todd was suddenly so tired he could hardly stand. Tired, and sore, and he knew probably more than a little messed up in his head by what had just happened. It’d hit him later, surely.

Or maybe not. Really, what had he lost? Had there been any love from his parents, any kindness he was going to miss? None came to mind, and Todd quit thinking about it. He had bruises coming up already, and he was hurting. He needed to soak then he was going to sleep until he had to get up for work. Dinner wasn’t a necessity, but the respite he hoped to find in sleep, the dreams of Adam he wanted to have, just the hope for those were as necessary to him right then as breathing.

Adam whistled as he locked up the clinic. He’d been busy as hell lately, and he’d been a jerk. Seeing Todd today had been like a kick in the balls. It’d hurt clear up to the top of his head, and he’d felt queasy, jittery with nerves, but he thought he’d covered it well. Maybe too well, because Todd had looked hurt.

Petty shit that he could be, Adam had felt a quick surge of happiness, knowing he

wasn’t the only miserable one. Then he’d felt like the complete and total asshole he was being. He’d wanted Todd to call him, to make the next move. What an idiot. He knew Todd wasn’t experienced, probably in any kind of relationship. Adam’s pride had caused him more trouble…

“Aw, fuck it.” He gave up on the whistling; it wasn’t making him feel any better no

matter how happy the tune. He had to make things right with Todd, like, now. God, Jameson, where the fuck are you when I need advice? Adam still hadn’t heard a word from his friend, and he could really, really use some guidance right now. Grovelling had never been his strong suit, and he had a feeling he needed to grovel. Adam hated that he’d been so stupid, so stubborn. There were so many things he didn’t like about himself, but he was working on them, and he thought he was making progress.

But this wasn’t about him, not right now at least. It was about how he’d put the burden of their budding relationship on Todd’s shoulders. He didn’t have to dig deep to figure out he was scared of a relationship—scared of failing, scared of being hurt, scared of Todd really getting to know him and hating him, because Adam wasn’t the best or easiest person in the world.

“Everyone has faults.” Adam huffed and glared at the ceiling. “Fine. That sounds like an excuse. But constantly dogging myself isn’t going to help either!” God, where was the line between being properly remorseful and pathetic? He had the feeling he was crossing over it.

This self-examination thing is fucking hard. Adam walked to his car. He needed to quit whining to himself about himself. He’d screwed up, yes, but he was going to fix it. That was the way to handle it, not examining it all to death. Go to Todd, tell him he’d fucked up because he was a chicken shit, and leave it up to Todd if he wanted to mess with someone like Adam or not. He had the feeling Todd was seeing him through rose-coloured glasses, so he probably needed to point out his major flaws.

Or did he? Maybe he shouldn’t, because he had some damn good qualities, too. What

he and Todd needed was time to get to know each other. Which didn’t preclude sex, he was quick to tell himself.

Adam felt marginally better as he drove towards Todd’s place. He wouldn’t park out

front. There was the local Super S right down the street—he’d park there and walk to Todd’s.

Since it was just about dark, he hoped no one would notice him.

Adam parked in the lot and stripped off his white lab coat. He smelt like dogs and

chemicals from scrubbing his hands clean, but there wasn’t much he could do about it now.

To go home even just to shower would feel like an act of cowardice.

He got out and locked the car. It was almost dark. Adam leaned against the door and

waited a few minutes, letting the sun set more and wondering if he should call Todd first.

Probably not, because, if Todd was mad, it’d be harder for him to turn Adam away in person than on the phone.

Adam finally headed out, feeling as if he was being watched, but, since no one was

around, he figured he was being paranoid. But maybe he should have just driven. That’d have seemed less suspicious than if someone saw him park, wait until dark, then set off.

Adam added ‘moron’ to his self-recrimination list. Obviously stealth wasn’t his thing.

Todd’s vehicle was there, so Adam went on up to his door and knocked. And knocked.

Then pounded, because he just knew Todd was in there, his skin was prickling with an awareness that set his nerves on end.

“Todd, open the door!” Adam was going to beat on the damn door all night if he had

to. Todd’s neighbours might not like it but that was just tough. “I know you’re home, so—”

He heard a chain slide and the deadbolt unlock. “Thank God,” Adam muttered as the door opened. “I thought—shit!” Adam’s stomach flipped and rolled and tried its best to climb right up his throat.

“What the hell did he do to you?” Adam growled as he came in and slammed the door.

Todd’s torso was littered with new bruises and some gashes that Adam thought probably could use a few stitches. “I’m gonna kill him.” Maybe even literally, Adam was so pissed off.

No, no, no. No murdering anyone even if they fucking deserve it!

“I’m sorry,” Todd said miserably. “I made you mad, I made him mad—”

Adam shook his head. His eyes were burning and he swiped at them. Now wasn’t the

time for him to be a wuss. “I’m mad at myself, Todd. I’ve been a total idiot, all because I’m scared. You really deserve better than me.”

“No.” Todd took Adam’s arm and drew him close. “I don’t. But I’m trying to be good

enough for you, Adam. That was the only thing that kept me from hurting my old man when he went nuts on me.”

Adam stiffened and dug in his heels, not letting Todd hug him. He glared at Todd, so angry at Todd’s dad he wanted to spit. “You can’t let him keep hitting you, Todd! He’s insane, sick, he’s… He’s—” Adam couldn’t even find the words, not when they were all clogging up his throat, damn near choking him.

Todd tugged and Adam found himself fitted neatly to his side. “He won’t be doing it

anymore, Adam.” He lifted Adam’s chin, and the quiet strength he saw there in Todd’s eyes was one of the most beautiful sights ever, as far as Adam was concerned. “I stood up to him today, which was why he went so far off the handle. I had to… I had to finally pin him up against the wall and tell him to stop. I-I was a-afraid he was gonna k-kill me when I told him he couldn’t treat me like a punching bag anymore.”

“Oh, Todd.” Adam sighed, his heart breaking in a way that had nothing to do with him other than it hurt seeing Todd so battered, but it hurt even more thinking about him being scared, afraid he was going to be killed. Adam traced one of the livid bruises, then pressed a kiss above an inch-long cut on Todd’s chest. “What’d he do here?”

Todd looked down and touched the spot. “Something he had in either the Bible he was

using or in his hand. Maybe his wedding ring, I don’t know. Looks worse than it is.”

Adam checked it out. The wound wasn’t as deep as he’d first thought, although Todd

was pretty battered. “I swear, Todd, I will kick his ass if he comes near you again.”

Todd’s bottom lip quivered for a second then he stood straighter and smiled, a tenuous tip-up of one side of his mouth. “I don’t think he will. His parting shot was I was dead to him, like some bad movie line and all that. I didn’t know whether to laugh or…” Todd sighed. “I cried a little, after. I wish I could say it was all from relief, and maybe it mostly was, but it hurts, you know, knowing he and my mom never loved me. They wouldn’t have been like they were to me if they had. Took me long enough to realise it.”

Adam wanted to hug Todd, but he was afraid of causing him more pain so he settled

for easing an arm around his waist. “Every child wants their parents’ love. It’s only natural, but, yeah, sometimes you just have to let them go.” He avoided Todd’s scrutinising gaze.

“Now, looks like you cleaned yourself up pretty good, but I want to check over these places.”

“Okay.” Todd was silent after that as Adam examined him. When he was finished, he

could see how exhausted Todd was. Adam wanted to talk to Todd and spend some time

with him, but he thought what he wanted and what Todd needed were two different things just then. Adam ran a hand gently down Todd’s arm then circled Todd’s wrist with his fingers as he smiled at Todd. “I think you’ll be all right in a few days. Take ibuprofen, and get plenty of rest.”

Todd’s eyes were shadowed but his smile seemed sincere to Adam. “Thanks, doc.”

“You’re welcome.” Adam leaned in and brushed his lips over Todd’s before moving

back. “Now go, get some rest. Call me if you need anything.”

Letting Todd go was one of the hardest things Adam had ever done, but he had a lot to think about, and so did Todd. Adam hoped they’d be able to have the special relationship he felt they could, if only they’d give it a chance. It seemed like there were so many road blocks, but Todd had started to remove some of them, hadn’t he? Maybe it was time for Adam to do the same.

Somehow Todd found himself kind of liking Mika even though he tried not to. And

even though he got this weird vibe from Mika sometimes, like he was somehow emitting waves of power, which was just ridiculous. The guy was a full-blown macho man, alpha to the core. Todd wasn’t sure Gabe was telling him the truth about where they’d met—Gabe had been alone, then Mika seemed to just appear. But if Gabe wanted to keep who they met a secret, well, that was his business. Todd tried not to be hurt that Gabe didn’t confide in him.

He knew it was juvenile on his part and so he tucked it deep down and did his best to forget about it. All that mattered was his friend’s happiness. It was evident Gabe was head over heels for the man, and, since Todd hadn’t ever seen Gabe so happy, he decided to back off and let Mika be.

Plus, he had his own personal life to deal with. And his parents. He’d thought… Well, he should have known his folks wouldn’t just let him go. Even Kaufman seemed to be in on the new ‘let’s all stalk Todd’ plan. The result of which was he and Adam hadn’t had any time alone, not face to face. Some of the texts they’d sent to each other had made Todd’s cheeks burn—he couldn’t believe how eagerly he sent and read those dirty messages! He was half afraid of what would happen when he and Adam finally did get to be alone.

Todd clenched every muscle from his calves to his belly. He knew exactly what was

going to happen. And, hopefully, it’d happen soon since Gabe and Mika had some adoptions to deliver. Todd was going to take care of the other rescued dogs while they were gone, and he was thinking he might just sleep over at Gabe’s. He hadn’t asked but he didn’t think Gabe would mind since he’d told Todd he was welcome to crash there if he wanted.