Retribution (SSU Trilogy Book 3) (The Surgical Strike Unit) (24 page)

He refused to let Gabby see him turn back into a beast. He glanced frantically around the room until he spotted Kai coming through the door. Good. Kai would understand.

“Kai finish. You. Go. Now!” Rafe squeezed Gabby’s wrist trying to make her pay attention. But he used more force than he’d intended and she cried out. No, he didn’t want to hurt Gabby. His soul shriveled back up and hid. He just wanted to be alone to ride out the pain.

“Leave!” he roared.

The pain in her eyes nearly stopped his heart. Then he felt another wave of burning liquid move through his veins, felt the increased saliva in his mouth, and knew he was seconds away from going into a fit.

“I’ve got it Gabby,” Kai said, replacing her hand with his on the IV bag. He shoved her gently toward the door. “Hurry up and get out of here so he calms down.”

“But—”

“You’re making this worse for him, Gabby. He doesn’t want you to see him in pain. Go!”

With an anguished look, Gabby left the room. The instant the door closed, Rafe’s back bowed and he let out a groan of pain. Stars exploded behind his eyelids.

“Can you hang in there, buddy? I’ve got one more dose to go.” Kai held up a second IV bag. “Or do you want me to stop?”

“D-don’t…stop,” Rafe gasped. The room started to spin as his body convulsed. “K-keep…G-gab-by…away.”

Then he screamed.

Chapter 20

One Week Later

R
afe leaned back so Kai’s roundhouse kick missed connecting with his jaw. God, he’d missed sparring with Kai.

Anticipating his friend’s next move, Rafe dipped into a lunge and swung his back leg out in a sweep. Kai jumped up and spun, avoiding being taken down. But Rafe had expected the countermove and with a twist of his torso, brought his other leg up and around, landing a solid kick on Kai’s thigh.

Flinching as one of Kai’s fists slammed into his cheek, Rafe finally acknowledged how scared he’d been that he’d never regain his ability to anticipate his opponent and formulate a split second counterattack. Having superior strength didn’t interest him if he couldn’t use his brain the way he was used to.

Thanks to Gabby’s drugs, his brain now worked fine. At least in his opinion. He’d taken another battery of intelligence tests this morning he hoped would show his improvement.

“She thinks you hate her, you know,” Kai said, once again showing his uncanny ability to read Rafe’s mind. “She thinks you blame her for your suffering.” He flew at Rafe with a series of hand movements that forced Rafe to back up. “You broke her heart when you told her you don’t want to see her.”

“I don’t hate her,” Rafe replied several minutes later. Still wheezing from a chop to the throat, he reached for a bottle of water. “And I’ve never blamed her.”

Kai crossed his arms over his chest and threw his don’t-fuck-with-the-scientist look at Rafe. “Then maybe you should have come up with a better answer than ‘Go away’ every time she’s tried to see you this past week.” He paused. “You made her cry.”

Rafe took a slug of water to hide his wince. “I never meant to hurt her,” he finally said. “I just—” He glanced away, reluctant to confess how he felt. But he had to make Kai understand, so he could tell Gabby.

“Something snapped when she gave me the drugs,” Rafe admitted, staring at the floor. “I had a flashback to Kaufmann’s. Scientists in lab coats. Drugs. Pain. Having my will taken away.” He shrugged. “I’m not avoiding Gabby because I’m afraid of her. I know she loves me and doesn’t want to hurt me.” He took another drink of water. “I…hell, I don’t know how to say it. I just suddenly hated for Gabby to watch me fall apart, when I’d been struggling for so long to get back to the man she’d known before.”

He crumpled the water bottle in his hand and tossed it toward the recycling bin. “Call it pride or shame or some combination of both. I just know that I can’t face her until I’m back to myself. I…” His hands clenched. “We only knew each other a short time before I was captured. What happened between us was powerful, like nothing I’ve ever known. Yet…” Rafe paused, trying to put into words what he felt. “She’s spent more time with me while I was closer to a beast than a man. I need her to see me as Rafe. Not as a victim to be pitied or helped, but someone she can love.”

“She needs to hear this from you,” Kai said.

Rafe shook his head. “I…can’t. Not yet. Maybe this afternoon, if the tests come back normal. I feel almost whole, but I don’t want there to be any doubt. I…” He bent down to pick up a discarded towel and snapped it against his leg. “I have to be her equal when we meet.”

“Why?”

Rafe scowled. From the look in Kai’s eyes, he knew. He just wanted to force Rafe to say it. Rafe added a glare to his scowl, but Kai just smirked.

“Fine. I’m not some helpless little boy. I’m her man and she’s my woman. I love her and…”

Kai waited, one eyebrow raised.

“I’m afraid she won’t be able to love me, now that she’s seen me as Kaufmann’s victim. I need her to see me as a strong man, one who’s worthy of her love. Satisfied?”

“Yep.” Kai shot him a grin and clapped him on the shoulder. “I’ve got a woman of my own now. I completely understand.”

Rafe felt something tight inside him relax at Kai’s easy acceptance. But, shit. If he was worried about his best friend thinking he wasn’t good enough for Gabby, then maybe he needed to work on his confidence before he talked to her.

His watched beeped. Glancing down, he swore. “I’ve got an appointment with Dr. Steuart to go over my test results.”

Kai nodded. “Good luck.”

A
s Rafe headed back toward his quarters half an hour later, he saw Gabby talking with one of the male scientists at the other end of the hallway. She glanced at Rafe, then quickly looked away. Even with the distance between them Rafe noticed the way her shoulders hunched as she said something to the scientist before hurrying around the corner.

Rafe came to a stop, stricken. Gabby didn’t want to see him. God. His heart ached so much he wanted to howl. Yeah, he’d known his refusal to talk to her had hurt Gabby, but…he shook his head.

You’re an idiot.

He’d been so caught up in his own shit that he hadn’t realized that his rejection would cut her to the bone. He’d just assumed that when he was ready to start up their relationship again Gabby would fall in with his plans.

But the way she’d just scurried away from him made him realize he’d wounded her far more deeply than he’d anticipated. Nodding absently at the scientist, Rafe hurried after her, hoping he wasn’t too late.

To his relief, he caught sight of her around the next corner. “Gabby, wait!”

She ducked her head and kept going.

“Dammit,” Rafe muttered. He broke into a run, not willing to let her vanish before he had time to state his case. He’d almost reached her when she sensed his pursuit. She darted forward and slammed her finger against the call button for the elevator.

Of course, the damn elevator doors opened immediately and Gabby leapt inside. Rafe barely got his hand in between the doors before they closed again. “Please, Gabby, don’t run from me. I want to apologize.”

She eyed him with such wariness, his heart nearly broke. “Apologize?” she asked hesitantly.

He let out the breath he’d been holding. “Yes. But not here.” On a burst of inspiration, he blurted, “Have dinner with me tonight.” While most of the staff had kitchens or kitchenettes in their apartments on the top floors of this old house, the SSU had also installed a small cafeteria that was open 24-7.

“Dinner?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, clenching his fist so he wouldn’t reach out and stroke a finger down her cheek. He didn’t want to give her any excuse to say no. “C’mon,
querida
, we need to talk.”

Gabby studied him for so long he feared she was going to say no. Finally, though, she gave a small nod and hope flared within him. “Okay. What time?”

He checked his watch. “How about six-thirty? I’ll meet you at the cafeteria.” He really wanted to pick her up at her door, but figured he’d pushed her enough.

“Okay,” she said again. Then she looked pointedly at his hand, still holding back the elevator door.

He reluctantly let go, but what he really wanted was to crowd into the elevator with her just to be close enough to hear her breathing and smell her special scent. But he had to honor her wishes and let her go. For now.

Tonight, though. Tonight he’d make things right between them.

G
abby hurried through the corridors toward the cafeteria and checked her watch. Six thirty-five. Damn it, she’d promised herself she’d be on time tonight. Yet once again, she’d been so caught up in her work she’d lost track of time.

Nearly running now, she forced herself to slow down around the last turn before her anxiety made her sick. She tried some deep breathing exercises as she walked down the corridor, but the nervous butterflies in her stomach didn’t settle until she saw Rafe pacing in front of the cafeteria door. Good. He was as anxious about their date as she was.

“Hi, Rafe. Sorry I’m late. I was working.”

“Gabby!” The way his body relaxed and his face lit up made Gabby feel doubly guilty for making him wait.

He took her hands in his, then pressed a quick kiss to her cheek. “Hungry?”

Gabby nodded.

“Good.”

Gabby followed him through the food line, marveling at how much Rafe piled on his plate. Once they were seated, Rafe pulled out a small gift bag and set it on the table. “For you.”

“Oh, Rafe!” Her heart turned over. He’d remembered his tradition of bringing her presents.

He nodded at the bag. “Open it.”

Inside the bag, nestled in forest green tissue paper, sat a little stuffed wolf cub. Gabby lifted him out and stroked the soft gray and white fur. “He’s adorable.”

“I wanted you to have something to keep you company in the lab, since I still have your valentine bear.”

“I love him. Thank you.”

Rafe’s face relaxed into a smile. As he dug into his dinner and they made small talk, Gabby couldn’t help herself from cataloging the changes in him. His hands and wrists bore a variety of new scars, visible reminders of the torture he’d endured. Worse, instead of facing life with the teasing, boyish charm he’d possessed before, Rafe now looked at the world through wary, watchful eyes with only the occasional glint of his old joie de vivre. It broke her heart that even here in the SSU’s secure facility, part of Rafe remained braced for pain. Pain that had etched lines on his face, until there was no question that this man had been through hell and survived.

Gabby took a sip of water. No matter how her heart ached over the changes in Rafe, she had to stay positive. Every sign pointed to the latest round of drugs having returned his intelligence. So far tonight he’d only hesitated a couple of times over word choice, completely understandable given that his brain had been used to working at diminished capacity for so long.

Part of her was giddy with success, but the rest of her was afraid. Rafe had said he wanted to apologize. She didn’t know what he thought he’d done wrong. She—

“I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you since the last treatment,” Rafe said.

Gabby blinked hard, startled by how he seemed to have read her mind. She lowered her eyes to the Formica tabletop. “It’s okay,” she said. “I understand. The drugs I gave you caused pain. It’s to be expected that seeing me would remind you of Kaufmann and his scientists, and that you’d blame me for my role in their program.”

“No!” Rafe grabbed her hand and squeezed so hard, her gaze flew up to collide with his. “Is that really what you’ve been thinking?”

“Of course.”

Rafe relaxed his grip and turned her hand over. His thumb stroked over her palm. “Yes, the pain briefly threw me back to memories of Kaufmann. But I swear, I never for a minute mistook you for one of the bad guys.” He took a deep breath, but didn’t stop the slow, soothing movement of his thumb over her skin. “I didn’t relive the moment when Kaufmann convinced me you’d betrayed me.”

Gabby flinched. She didn’t blame Rafe for giving up control to Kaufmann at the urging of the “fake” Gabby. He’d held on longer than most men would have. It still amazed her that Kaufmann had later confessed his deception to Rafe. And it humbled her, knowing that Rafe had been able to move past his anger, ignore Kaufmann’s kill order, and remember that he loved her.

“I’ve been avoiding you because…” Rafe glanced away, the movement so uncharacteristically uncertain that she bit her lip to keep from offering comfort she knew he wouldn’t want.

Finally, though, he looked back at her. “I’m tired of being your patient,” he said. “Sick of being seen as weak and dependent. A victim.” He shrugged and the ice that had formed around her heart at his rejection began to thaw. “Having you see me strapped to that chair while I writhed in pain was the final blow to my ego.”

“I’m sorry. I never even considered that you might feel ashamed. You seemed to be handling our relationship so well up until then.”

He gave a half smile. “Not so well for the week leading up to the last treatment. The more of my personality I gain back, the harder it becomes to be in a position of weakness around you. Your intelligence drugs have accelerated the return of my pride.”

Rafe raised her hand and placed a kiss on her knuckles. “I never intended to hurt you,” he continued. “I’m sorry you misunderstood. I always intended for us to start our relationship again. It’s just…I wanted to be in a position of strength when I courted you again. I wanted to be normal again.”

Joy poured through her. He didn’t hate her! “You seem pretty normal to me.”

“Yeah?” He grinned and leaned forward, his eyes dropping to her mouth.

She laughed and put a hand up between them, stopping his kiss. “Not so fast. We’re in public, for one thing.”

“Don’t care.” He shrugged, then slouched back in his chair.

Gabby bit back a smile, delighted to see the devilish glint in his eyes. This was her Rafe. “Don’t you think we should take things slow this time? Get to know one another better?”

He jerked upright. “Hell, no! You’ve seen me at my worst. How much better do you need to know me, woman?”