Revenge of the Spellmans (35 page)
Read Revenge of the Spellmans Online
Authors: Lisa Lutz
4
Spelled “Cato” in subsequent films; no explanation.
1
She pronounces them “Psssats.”
1
For your own free online ordination, visit www.themonastery.org.
1
His bed is way better than the one in the guest room.
1
His lucky shirt. Which she then held for ransom.
2
Okay, so she was doing it to help the vice squad, but no one asked her to.
1
I would need to return it to its appropriate place once I made a copy.
1
Curse of the Spellmans
—now available in paperback!
2
Don’t worry, the secret apartment was equipped with a coffeemaker. Oh, but I need filters. Thanks for reminding me.
3
White Night. An all-night festival in Rome, the second Saturday of September, just before David’s visit.
4
Labor strikes are a fact of life in Italy. There are more strikes in Italy than in any other country. It’s good to check before you travel.
5
Celebrated on September 12 in Verona.
6
He had something, but not jet lag.
1
The phone was on vibrate, don’t worry.
1
One of Rae’s PSAT words. I helped her study.
1
At this point in the game, I didn’t find the pause in any way awkward.
1
It seriously has no name.
1
If I were Maggie, here’s how I’d see it: He’s doing the cleaning and I’m not. Who cares about motivation?
2
Note to self: Mention this credit to your character in therapy.
1
He doesn’t know. That’s what I was counting on.
1
Translation: Can we speak freely? (pig Latin).
2
Sliced fruit. Rae would argue: not dessert.
1
There are two job interviews I mentioned here and then my meeting at a temp agency, which is more like a medical intake than a job interview.
2
One of our neighbors at the time kept getting our name wrong. David and I started calling our mom and dad Mr. and Mrs. Melman when we were in the mood to annoy.
3
I am well aware that this is an incredibly old joke.
1
I tend to be extra sensitive when I’m tired.
1
In my defense, I don’t usually cry when I discover there’s no coffee. Well, only once before.
2
This was a guess. But the missing camping gear made it an educated one.
3
Mid-life freak-out. But David used the term “existential crisis” instead. Tomato/tomato.
1
So far my record in David’s place.
1
Not his real name.
2
Rae has left a distinctive pattern of blackmail in her wake. See original document,
The Spellman Files
, for details.
1
See, I am evolving. These drugs are legal.
1
Right here I decided to change the subject. I trusted doctor-patient confidentiality, but I didn’t trust the doctor to keep her opinion about the new living arrangement to herself.
2
Actually, it’s not so long. During the three-month stretch at the age of twelve when I was forced to take ballet, I committed a series of pranks in which I took great pride. My crowning achievement, and the cause for my expulsion, was when I mopped the studio floor with vegetable oil right before class.
3
Had a nice twenty-minute nap.
1
Petra is the only person who refuses to identify herself in voice mail messages.
2
Milo calling.
3
I refused to give Connor the satisfaction of ordering it by name, so I said, “Pour me a cup of coffee and put some whiskey in it.”
4
I couldn’t help thinking he meant “gorgeous” ironically.
5
The implication that the communication rift extended beyond my sister was intriguing.
1
Bravo, Petra. Bravo. For a partial transcript of their conversation, see appendix.
2
Wouldn’t it be simpler to call the restaurant directly?
1
Note to self: Do not refer to it as “our residence” in David’s company.
2
See appendix.
1
Yes, a lie.
2
If you’ve read the second document (
Curse of the Spellmans
—now available in paperback!), maybe you’re thinking that I can’t really vouch for her. But my theory is this: David made Petra feel too much like a grown-up. Gabe will always live in a state of boyishness. Petra, too, needs to pretend she can stay young forever. That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.
1
In the Spellman household, “disappearance” means “vacation.” It can also be used in its usual sense. (For full explanation, see appendix.)
1
I will have you know that I did not once mock his use of the modern matchmaker.
2
Of course, it could be that self-involved thing at work again.
1
I always wait until at least noon.
1
Ernie was cooking dinner that night. Tuna casserole. He got the recipe from a women’s magazine that he picked up at the doctor’s office.
2
Not a president, Ernie.
3
Diabolique
(1996), starring Sharon Stone and Isabelle Adjani. A remake, of course.
4
Which remained purely a “cheating incident” in the eyes of her unmoved guidance counselor.
5
If I had a dime for every time that banana incident was mentioned to me…
1
For a list of Rae’s past culinary experiments, see appendix.
2
It’s basically a bunch of outtakes from previous films, but it’s the last Pink Panther film starring Peter Sellers.
3
Sometimes it’s best not to ask. So I didn’t.
1
Yes, I really did think she’d let one week slide. Some people are very inflexible.
2
No, not the actual license plate.
3
Yeah, I used finger quotes.
4
We should probably update this phrase. I vote for: “Sorry, it won’t happen again.”
1
Of course, I argued the mathematical impossibility of that statement.
2
The ex-cop kind.
3
Note to self: Consider getting a hobby…or your own apartment.
4
I remember burying his wand in a flower box, hoping that would end the nightly performances. I sadly discovered that a chopstick works just as well.
5
I found it at a garage sale. It had a giant backgammon board beneath the glass.
6
I’m soooo going to mention this in therapy.
7
“Why don’t you buy a new one?”
8
Bad news for me. I would have to be on constant guard.
9
Here’s what you need to know about Grammy Spellman: She and my Dad barely speak. But she’s pretty good at sending a birthday card and a check to her grandchildren. She’s the kind of grammy who would open a brokerage account for her granddaughter and keep it from her son.
10
About three years ago, we learned that David had been giving Rae at least twenty dollars a week for no reason at all, other than to stay in her good graces.
11
Please, no letters from the Jack Daniel’s corporation!
1
A high-end but casual restaurant in the Mission named in honor of the quasi-official utensil of the Kentucky Fried Chicken that used to reside in its place.
2
During the time it took Morty to make the life-changing decision of what to have for lunch, I read the menu from top to bottom—three times—and learned that Spork recycles their cooking oil as diesel fuel.
3
Yes, he actually wrote out “hoo-ha.”
1
Twizzlers.
2
Milo took over the rent-controlled apartment that I took over from Bernie, after Bernie took it over from me—but changed his mind. See previous document,
Curse of the Spellmans
(now available in paperback!), for details.
1
I paid for his ticket, since it was my blackmail.
2
See, I was learning something.
3
(1953.) Yes, that’s really what it is. Rauschenberg erased de Kooning’s drawing. The museum guard explained it to me. That’s the kind of art I can get behind.
1
If you’ve found something that works, why quit?
1
A website dedicated to uniting people with their painful past.
2
Could it be there were 610 fairydusts before her?
3
Just that one time, but it seemed worth mentioning. I wonder what Jake Hand is up to these days.
4
Including all twelve Dr. Ira sessions.
5
David was, in fact, referring to the 1960s’ original boy band. His disdain for this group is both legend and incredibly tiresome.
6
I went to her MySpace page hoping for some explanation for her name, Lavae. Apparently, her father named her after an ex-girlfriend, only the ex-girlfriend’s name was Ravae. Thanks, that clears things up.
7
I should admit that I learned the word while Henry was quizzing Rae for her PSATs six months ago.
1
The 1944 film, starring Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman, and, most importantly, Joseph Cotten, in which a husband drives his wife mad by altering her environment.
2
Yes, there are bylaws.