Read Revenge of the Spellmans Online
Authors: Lisa Lutz
Revenge of the Spellmans (34 page)
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s usual, I am very grateful to everyone at Simon & Schuster for their continued support of the Spellman books. I must first thank my brilliant, funny, and patient editrix, Marysue Rucci. A massive thank-you to Carolyn Reidy. David Rosenthal, thanks for not heckling me at my reading. I would also thank you for dinner, but Marysue paid, yet again. Also at S&S, Aileen Boyle, Deb Darrock, Michael Selleck, Victoria Meyer, Leah Wasielewski, Jackie Seow, and Dana Sloan. You all have been way too good to me. Thanks to my hardworking publicists, Kelly Welsh and Nicole De Jackmo; my genius production editor, Jonathan Evans; and Marysue’s new and fabulous assistant, Sophie Epstein. If I have forgotten anyone, please forgive me. These acknowledgment pages are due today (well, last week) and I’m writing in a rush.
Equally important is my incredible agent, Stephanie Kip Rostan. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I am also extremely fortunate to have the wonderful people at the Levine Greenberg Literary Agency on my side: Daniel Greenberg, Jim Levine, Elizabeth Fisher, Melissa Rowland, Monika Verma, Miek Coccia (still pronounced “Mike”), Sasha Raskin, and Lindsay Edgecombe. Thank you.
I would also like to thank all the booksellers I’ve met on the road for their hospitality and generosity, and to apologize if I happened to have
stolen one of their pens. Please know that it was probably the only thing I stole. I would also like to thank the media escorts who took care of me when I was sleep-deprived, cranky, and suffering from a particularly unattractive head cold.
Since I’m talking about being on the road, I’d like to thank all the actors who helped me with my readings and all the regulars who show up again and again, even though no one is paying them. I’d especially like to mention the Rucci clan, who once again came out to show their support—Debbie and Joe Rucci, and, of course, my actor Ted (if I can book you now for next year, that would be great!). Virginia “Ginny” Smith, thanks again. A giant thanks to my San Francisco regular, Steve Kim. You never let me down. Also, Anastasia Fuller, Eric Etebari, Dave and Cyndi Klane, Hayley Dox, Craig Fox, and [insert your name here if I’ve forgotten you].
Now let me thank my family. Okay, I’d say stop reading here if you don’t know me. Seriously:
My mother, Sharlene Lauretz, thanks for all the support and free book promotion you’ve done on my behalf. Also, thanks to my mom and my aunt Beverly Fienberg for that terrific party you threw. I’ve decided not to thank uncle Mark Fienberg.
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(Should a very tall CPA in Beverly Hills ever ask you to house-sit for a chocolate lab and a golden retriever, named Bebe and Xena, respectively, under no circumstances should you say yes.)
More family to thank: Anastasia Fuller (again) and Jay Fienberg for their fabulous work on my website,
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reading early drafts (in Hawaii, no less), and offering expert advice on brutal computer geeks (thanks, Jay). I depend on you both for way too much. Dan Fienberg, my cousin and my financial advisor,
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thank you. According to the terms of the deal, I mention him in the acknowledgments if he
reads
my book before the next one is
finished.
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Once again, thanks to Uncle Jeff and Aunt Eve Golden—these books would never have existed without your generosity.
I’d like to thank Morgan Dox
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for all her help along the way and give another shout-out to the rest of the Dox-Kims, the aforementioned Steve, and, of course, Rae Dox Kim. Thanks to Dave Hayward, employee of the month and captain of the Spellman Enterprises softball team.
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Also, Gretchen Rice for all her research and assistance, and my friends from Desvernine Associates, who continue to show their support and welcome me with hugs, crazy stories, and valuable information—Des, Pamela, Pierre Merkl, Debra Meisner, Yvonne Prentiss, and not Mike. A few more thank-yous to the people who helped the book take form, or at least helped me survive the process: Julie Ulmer, Frank Marquardt, Stephanie Dennis, Peter Kim, Carol Young, Lisa Chen, Warren Liu, and Mayumi Takada. Thanks to Dr. Linda Lagemann for showing me that therapists can be funny, too. And to my French friend, Charlie:
S’il vous plaît prendre vos vitamines. Chacun d’entre eux.
LISA LUTZ
is the author of the national bestsellers
The Spellman Files
and
Curse of the Spellmans
. Although she attended UC Santa Cruz, UC Irvine, the University of Leeds in England, and San Francisco State University, she still does not have a bachelor’s degree. Lisa spent most of the 1990s hopping through a string of low-paying odd jobs while writing and rewriting the screenplay
Plan B,
a mob comedy. After the film was made in 2000, she vowed she would never write another screenplay. A motion picture adaptation of
The Spellman Files
is in development with Paramount Pictures. For more information, go to lisalutz.com.
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Dr. Sophia Rush—Therapist #1.
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Dr. Ira Schwartzman—Therapist #1.
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I’ve found the long pause an excellent way to pass time in therapy. Until this session, I thought it had gone unnoticed.
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For other surefire ways to kill time in therapy, see appendix.
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San Francisco Museum of Modern Art.
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For an incomplete dossier on Dad, see appendix.
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Mom hired a recent graduate from the American Conservatory Theater and armed him with a tape recorder and a list of questions to casually integrate into the conversation. For example: 1) Have you ever been in therapy? 2) Is it helping you? 3) Do you plan on being a bartender forever? 4) Are you seeing anyone right now? 5) How many tattoos does he have?
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Not true. I’ve done all sorts of other things, like go to movies, take strolls in the park, drink coffee, drink other stuff, eat food, sleep, etc.
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That was an accident and he knows it.
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These kinds of questions one should never answer. So I didn’t.
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He’s laying it on thick now, working the guilt angle.
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Finger quotes.
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Old in the literal sense. He’s eighty-four.
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Mortimer Schilling, retired defense attorney. For more information, see appendix.
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A San Francisco landmark. Easy to locate. Serves a mean black and white milkshake.
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Once again, if you’ve failed to read the previous two documents—
The Spellman Files
and
Curse of the Spellmans
(both available in paperback!)—and you need further background information, see appendix.
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Henry’s diet veers toward extreme health consciousness. If you want any food with flavor in his house, you really must bring your own supplies.
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For David’s dossier, see appendix.
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Indeed I do.
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Namely, the good stuff.
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Olivia Spellman. For brief dossier, see appendix.
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Um, yes!
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See appendix.
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Namely, the PI and bartender lines.
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This might surprise you, but I’d grown quite comfortable with these extended silences in Dr. Ira’s office. A fifty-minute session is a fifty-minute session. There’s no wiggle room. Long silences kill time. Silence means less work. This I have learned.
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Curse of the Spellmans
—now available in paperback!
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My dad’s actual word choice.
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I intend nothing derogatory by using the word “shrink”; it’s just faster to type than the alternatives.
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The first few times are extremely awkward. Ride it out. It gets easier.
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Even though I’m a firm believer in not mixing booze.
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Details to follow.
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This was in fact my first case as an independent contractor.
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Linda was scheduled to leave at 11:15.
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Mom always takes the prescription but never the pills, in some sort of sick test of her pain threshold. I’ve been meaning to mention this to Ex-boyfriend #9, Dr. Daniel Castillo, DDS.
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A porcelain garden frog given to David by our eccentric Grammy Spellman.
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In English this means “Moishe’s belly button.” Appetizing, huh?
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David doesn’t make a habit of drinking coffee out of a can, but he keeps several units on hand in case of a natural disaster.
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Literally—my name is taped to the label. David keeps the bottle around specifically for me.
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No. No one knows how she got the password.
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I believe Henry was referring to a few of the individuals on my list of ex-boyfriends (see previous two documents for details, if you’re curious).
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Don’t get me started.
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There is indeed a file on each of the Spellman children. I wish I could say that these resemble scrapbooks, but they’re really more like official dossiers—think fingerprints, not finger paintings.
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“He was soooo guilty,” according to Maggie. Not that she didn’t wage an excellent defense.
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Yes, I asked. Apparently, Henry no longer allows marshmallows in his home since they are one of the primary ingredients in a few of Rae’s favorite and messiest recipes.
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The hiding place where Maggie discovered the Halloween candy.
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Ashleigh used to be Rae’s only other friend besides Henry, but in the last year her social network has greatly expanded.
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I was giving him a special deal. Don’t think I’d charge you the same.
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I agree, not terribly clever.
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Consider it mentioned.
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For recipe, see appendix.
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Lie.
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Daniel’s neurosurgeon wife.
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End of Court-Ordered Therapy.
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Specifically, teeth-sucking.
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In case you were curious, rule #2: no deli meats in the car.
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Morty just wanted a chance to try out PI lingo. He was not actually concerned.
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Henry refuses to keep overly processed grains in his home. Refined wheat flour (aka, regular old white flour enriched with vitamins) he claims is evil. I still can’t tell you what it ever did to him.
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Minus
Trail of the Pink Panther
and all the loosely connected films not starring Peter Sellers.
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For every hour of television watched, Henry makes Rae read for an hour. He has been known to enforce this rule on adults as well.