Rhapsody (The Bellator Saga Book 5) (10 page)

Maybe he could try a safe topic. One they could both play off and pretend they intended to discuss from the very beginning. “I could find you a pair of sandals so you don’t have to wear those damn boots all the time,” he said. “Sneakers, too.”

“You have connections?”

Too many to mention. He even knew who to contact if he was hard up for alcohol. “I know what they’re hiding in the storage rooms in the commissary.”

“Oh. I have a beat up pair of workout shoes but I guess I could use some new ones.”

That had been easy. Maybe he needed to keep a list of random emergency asides to whip out whenever they started going down a dark road. “Whatever you need, I can get.”

“Thanks.”

Jack looked out over the water and smiled. “Remember when we took that trip with the girls to Lake George after we picked them up from camp? I think that was the first year I was governor.”

Caroline wrapped her arms around her knees again. He’d given her that speech about taking up space and she’d been trying to shrink herself ever since. “Kinda,” she said quietly.

“And Sophie and Marguerite tricked you into thinking they were in shallow water, and you swallowed about half the lake?”

She stiffened. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“It was funny,” he said. “I thought I was going to pass out from laughing so hard, and then you-”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it,” she snapped.

Jack turned her to face him and saw the tears in her eyes. “Oh, sweetheart. Please don’t start crying again. I didn’t – I was trying to remind you of something happy since you were so upset a minute ago.”

Caroline wiped her face. “I can’t talk about things like that.”

He put his arm around her and kissed her cheek. Dammit. He hadn’t meant to set her off again. He’d missed every goddamn hint. “I thought it might make you feel better to think about them.”

“It hurts too much.”

“Did you ever talk to Natalie about them?”

“Once,” she said. “It was too hard, so Natalie didn’t push me. Maybe you should follow her lead.”

She wanted him to let it go. He didn’t want to. “Caroline-”

“Please don’t mention them again.”

“So, you’re just going to pretend they never existed?”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

He removed his arm, scooting away from her. “That’s exactly what you’re doing. You do it with every positive memory you have. Do you really think that’s the best way to deal with things?”

She rubbed her forehead. “Fine,” she said. “I’ll humor you. The children are off limits but pick another topic and we’ll talk about it.”

Jack gave her a wry smile. “Caroline, you make conversations so much fun sometimes.”

“I try.”

“I want you to pick the topic. Go ahead, ask me anything you want. It can even be something bad.”

“I don’t want to ask you something that will upset you. I feel like maybe only one of us should be lurching toward emotional instability at a time.”

“Then ask me about something good.”

She stared at him, thinking. But she didn’t smile. “Okay.”

*              *              *              *              *

Caroline had no idea why they were going down this road. Why she was asking the question. “Did you really decide you were going to marry me the night we met?” she asked.

“Of course. You’ve known that forever.”

He hadn’t hesitated, not even to act surprised at her question. Strange. “No,” she said. “You told me you fell in love the night we met. You didn’t mention marriage until that therapy session we had.”

“Oh,” Jack said. “I wasn’t aware there was a difference.”

“There is.”

“If you want to split hairs.” He picked up her hand and kissed the back of it. “Doesn’t matter. You’re stuck with me forever.”

“Do you really think that?”

“We’ll figure this out eventually.”

“I wish I could share your optimism.”

“You used to be the reason behind it.”

“Yeah, well, don’t hang your hat on who I used to be, because she doesn’t exist anymore.”

“I’m not going to do that,” he said. “And I’m not going to argue about who you are. Let’s move on to something else.”

She wasn’t sure she could. And she wasn’t sure why she was so hung up on this issue when it had never presented itself before. “Why did you want to marry me?” Caroline asked quietly. “After that first night. How could you have been so sure?”

“Are you asking because you doubt my sincerity, or because you really want to know the answer?”

Would it sound awful to admit the truth? “Both, I guess.”

Jack squeezed her hand. “I can’t explain it. You were so nice and friendly. Not like I’d thought you’d be. So different from anyone I’d ever met before. There was some depth to you, intellectually and emotionally. You were a woman I wanted to know.”

“That describes a great friend. Why marriage?”

“Well, I found you attractive too.” He grinned at her. “If I hadn’t known you were still dealing with your grief, I would have kissed you when I said good night.”

That was a new one. “You would?”

“It took a lot of strength not to do it. Hell, I was ready to kiss you at midnight because you looked so goddamn cute in that stupid sweater.”

Caroline had forgotten she was wearing it. “That thing was ghastly.”

“It was, but you pulled it off somehow. And you were wearing fuzzy socks with unicorns on them, which was completely delightful.”

How could he recall all those details? “I wore my unicorn socks?”

“You don’t remember?”

“I guess I do.” If she thought about it long enough, tried to focus…she could get some of it to come back. She’d owned all sorts of fun pairs of socks – animals, fruit, funky designs, superhero logos.

Caroline had worn the unicorns to try to forget about the rest of her outfit. And she distinctly remembered having to restrain herself that night. She wanted to prop her feet up on the coffee table in the Sullivans’ study until it occurred to her that civilized people didn’t do that. Especially in the presence of people they just met. “Remember when I used to wear those Wonder Woman socks?” she asked.

Jack smiled again. “You’d always sneak your whimsical designs under your tailored suits when you wore boots. Drove me crazy.”

“I thought my garters did that.”

“Your socks did too. There was something innocent about them.”

She snorted. “There is very little innocent about me.”

“You underestimate yourself.”

“How did you notice those socks?”

“You started to prop your feet up on the coffee table when we first started talking, then stopped yourself.”

Shit. She had. So much for being civilized. “I can’t believe you remember that,” she whispered.

Jack rubbed his knuckles along her jaw. “I remember everything about that night.”

He would probably tell her every damn detail if she asked. And she wasn’t going to. Caroline stared at her knees. “I wore an ugly sweater and fuzzy unicorn socks and that attracted you to me?”

“Damn right it did. But I held back. Did my best not to tease and trick. That was a first.”

She’d figured that out a long time ago. “Why didn’t you push it?”

“You weren’t ready,” he said. “It felt wrong. And once I was able to restrain myself, I knew you were the woman I’d been waiting for. Because I put your needs above my own. I knew if I took the time to know you, you’d do the same for me.”

He
had
fallen in love with her the night they met. “You really wanted to kiss me?” she whispered.

“Absolutely. “

“Why didn’t you tell me? That night, I mean.”

“I didn’t want you to think that was all I was after. And you weren’t ready for that. You know you weren’t.”

“No,” she said. “I wasn’t. But I still don’t quite understand the concept of falling in love with someone and wanting to marry them a few hours after you meet them.”

“If I could explain it, I’d be a very rich man.”

Caroline smiled. “You
are
a very rich man.”

“True. I’d be even richer, I suppose.”

“I thought your suspenders were sexy,” she stammered. Shit. Where had that come from? She plodded on, hoping she didn’t sound utterly awkward. “And your cologne about drove me nuts. A few more drinks and I might have kissed you first.”

Jack patted her knee. “That’s nice to know. Suspenders and unicorn socks. We make quite the pair.”

“I guess we do.”

“I want you to be that way again. Those little touches are what make you so damned enchanting.”

Caroline didn’t want to delve into that topic. “Thank you for telling me that story.”

“Of course,” he said. “Maybe now was the right time to tell you.” He reached over to stroke her cheek. “I’d do it all over again if I could. I’d marry you now, if we hadn’t already done it.”

“Why on earth would you do that?”

He sighed. “Caroline, please start giving yourself more credit.” His eyes were bright. “Do you have any idea how proud I am to be your husband? After everything you’ve done for this country, for this movement? The sacrifices you’ve made, again and again, expecting nothing in return? You were – no, you
are
incredible, sweetheart. Even if you’ve changed a little in the process.”

She shook her head. “That’s a generous assessment.”

“I don’t know how many other people could have done what you did,” Jack said quietly.

“We never know what we’re capable of until we’re actually confronted with hard choices.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. I couldn’t have done it.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. I never had the character and strength of conviction that you have.”

Caroline shifted on the blanket, unwinding her arms from around her legs. “Can we talk about something else?”

Jack put his arm around her. “Always with the compliments, you are.”

He was trying to be nice. To comfort her. To remind her she was more than she thought she was. She leaned into his shoulder. “Jonesie used to hassle me about not letting the guys be nice to me.”

“You wouldn’t let them?”

“It was hard to do after being treated like dirt. Those federal agents got inside my head.”

Jack firmed his grip around her shoulders. “Are you used to it now?”

“Not really.”

“None of us are going to stop behaving that way.”

“I know.”

He brought his other arm around her. “You’re not weak for needing me, or them. And you can allow yourself to feel good, even if you feel terrible the moment before.” He kissed the top of her head. “Ask me something else. An easy question this time.”

He must have noticed her back and forth. Her constant mood switching, even mid-sentence. How did he put up with it without wanting to strangle her? “Don’t you think it’s odd that we’ve known each other for almost seven years and there are so many basic things we’re finding out?” she said.

Jack chuckled. “I asked for an easy question.”

“Sorry.”

“We’re not strangers, Caroline. People can be married for decades and discover something new about their spouses every day. It isn’t fatal to a relationship.”

“It just seems weird.”

“You’re my best friend, sweetheart. You know me better than anyone else in the world. I’d like to say the same is true of me with regard to you.”

She shrugged. “Probably.”

Jack smiled. “Am I allowed to take that as a compliment?”

Caroline smiled at him. “Sure.”

He stood up and stretched. “Let’s go home. I’ll make you dinner.”

“Again?”

“It’s not like you’re going to cook,” he pointed out. “And I’m slowly regaining my skills.”

A true statement. Even though she missed the guys in the cafeteria, there was something sweet about the effort her husband made for her in the kitchen. Caroline gathered her socks and shoes as he began to pack up the picnic basket. “Fair enough,” she said. “Let’s go.”

“I got you something,” Jack said after dinner that night, setting two boxes down in front of her. “Make that two somethings.”

Caroline leaned into the lumpy couch. She was drained, particularly after that trip to the lake. Their conversation had been enlightening, but she’d been feeling more and more apprehensive as the day wore on. She cocked her head at him.

“Open them.” He pushed the larger box toward her. “This one first.”

“Jack-”

“Humor me.”

She had a very bad feeling about this. Caroline started to unwrap the first box.

“I found it among our weapons stockpile,” he said casually. “Thought you might appreciate it.”

She pulled a pistol out of the box. “You want me to be more heavily armed? Did you forget how many times I’ve suffered blows to the skull?”

“It’s a Springfield 1911,” Jack said.

“I know what it is.” She knew her firearms, particularly the higher end models. She’d spent a lot of unnecessary time memorizing their logos and characteristics during her time as a federal prosecutor. “I could tell you where it was manufactured too, if you care.”

“Not so much.”

“They’re based in Illinois,” Caroline said, even though Jack wasn’t interested. She held the gun in her hand. It wasn’t as heavy as she thought it would be.

“It’s a 9mm but it’s smooth,” he said. “You shouldn’t have any trouble with the recoil. Plus, it has a wood handle grip, see?”

Caroline looked at him like he’d sprouted a second head.

“I thought maybe we could go to the range,” he continued. “If you want.”

“Why are you giving this to me? You already gave me my old Glock.” Which was somewhere in the apartment, she assumed. They inventoried it when she was brought into the hospital, but Jack probably took it back.

He clenched his hands together. “Wood is the modern sixth anniversary gift.”

“Huh?”

“Caroline, don’t you know what today is?”

She stared at the handgun in her lap before placing it on the coffee table. “I guess not.”

“It’s okay,” Jack said. “It’s not like you carry a calendar around with you.” But he sounded disappointed.

Her apprehension sprouted legs and started marching back and forth in front of the couch. It took all her effort to sit still. “I didn’t – why didn’t you say something?”

“I thought you knew.”

“Oh.”

“You were talking about the night we met when we were at the lake, asking me why I wanted to marry you, so I thought you made the connection.”

Yeah, that connection had completely flown over her head. It was probably halfway across the Pacific by now. Maybe her guilt could catch up with it. “I hadn’t,” Caroline said, feeling rather stupid.

He grabbed the other box. “Open this one.”

The guilt continued to grow. “Jack, I don’t think-”

“Please open it,” he said.

She wanted to run out of the room. Maybe she could calm herself down by focusing on the package. Caroline unwrapped the second box. When she saw what was inside she dropped it on the floor.

Jack scooped it up. “I don’t really have the means of getting you anything special. And I owed you something for last year. Five years was a big milestone, even if we were apart.”

“I didn’t know you still had that,” she whispered.

He held her engagement ring up to the light. “Why wouldn’t I have it? What would I have done with it?” Now he sounded annoyed. “I apologize. I wish it was something more. Something new. But it was the closest thing I had. Sapphires are the five year gemstone.” He handed it back to her.

“I can’t take that,” she said.

“It’s yours. Of course you can take it.”

“I can’t, Jack.” Caroline put the ring on the coffee table next to the gun. “I don’t want this either. I – I didn’t get you anything.”

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” he said softly.

Oh God, why did he have to call her that
now
of all times? “No, it’s not. And I wish you’d stop pretending it’s going to magically change.”

“You’re getting better. You forgot the date. It’s fine.”

Was he kidding? “It’s not fine. If you want to keep pulling the wool over your own eyes, be my guest, but please stop expecting me to go along with it.” She stood up, dreadfully close to tears. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Caroline-”

“You thought of everything, didn’t you? Thought you’d be romantic, with what was supposed to be a relaxing trip to the lake. A leisurely dinner. Doing all the things I like, saying all the things I want to hear. You did it on my birthday and you’re doing it again now. I don’t want your gifts, Jack. I don’t want your attention. I want to be alone.”

He picked the ring up and held it out. “Fine, don’t take the gun. But this is yours. It belongs to you. I want you to have it back.”

Caroline knocked the ring out of his hand. “I don’t want it, all right? I don’t want any of this.”

He rose to follow her. Of course he knew where she would flee. The only place she had anymore. “It doesn’t have to be this way,” he said. “Remember the night we met. The night I proposed. Remember our wedding. Remember all those memories we made before we were ripped apart. They’re inside you, sweetheart. You just have to let yourself feel them.”

His voice made her heart hurt. She needed him to stop talking. “I don’t want to feel them!” she yelled, backing toward the bedroom. “I don’t want to feel anything! I want you to leave me alone. Get it? Just leave me alone.”

Caroline rushed through the door and locked it behind her, leaning against the wall. She was safe. Alone. In the place where she tried to check her memories at the threshold. She took a deep breath to get herself back under control, but could do nothing to quell the fury pulsing through her veins. She thought she heard Jack pounding on the door, trying to turn the knob. She ignored it.

Was it possible to literally see red? She’d never understood that expression before, but the entire room seemed tinged scarlet. There was a pile of papers on the dresser and she shoved them over. She threw the pillows off the bed, tossed Jack’s clothes out of the drawers, kicked over the chair and table in the corner. She found herself unleashing her anger on every inanimate object in the room, unaware of whether she was making any noise or releasing her rage in silence.

Caroline looked over at the nightstand, at the sappy framed picture of the two of them. She couldn’t explain her hatred for the happy couple in the photo, but she wanted nothing more than to wipe them from her memory. Gone. They had to be gone. Everything in this fucking room, in this goddamn apartment, in this shitty life of hers had to be
gone.

She flung the frame toward the opposite wall as hard as she could, hearing the glass shatter as it fell to the floor, crying out as she saw the wood break apart. She dropped to her knees, sobbing, hearing Jack’s voice somewhere far off. She crawled over to collect the broken pieces of the frame, turning her head as her husband shoved his way through the locked door.

“Caroline,” he panted, looking around the room. “Are you-?”

She pulled the picture out of the shattered frame and stared at it, her lip trembling, clutching the jagged wood pieces in her other hand. She tried to gather up all the fragments but knew it was no use. It couldn’t be repaired.

Jack ran over to her. “Don’t touch it. There’s glass everywhere.”

“I can fix it,” she said quietly.

He knelt down beside her. “You can’t, Caroline. It’s been damaged too much.” He took the pieces of the frame out of her hand. “Don’t hurt yourself, sweetheart.”

His gaze drifted to the crumpled picture in her hand. Caroline hung her head in shame. He’d called her
sweetheart
again. Still so good and so generous while she steamrolled her way through everything he cared about.

“I’m sorry, Jack,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to break it. I don’t know why I did it.”

“I know,” he said softly. “It’s okay.”

No matter what she did he almost never lost his temper. Even when she was fucking up his entire existence. Caroline started to cry. “It’s not okay. Why do you keep saying that when it’s never going to be okay?”

“Because it will be,” he said. “You might not believe it but I do.”

“I trashed your room. I broke one of the few things that was valuable to you. I can’t remember my birthday or my own fucking anniversary. I can’t go more than five minutes without screaming at you, or throwing something, or wanting to hurt myself, or intentionally causing you pain. It is definitely not okay.” She covered her head with her hands.

“Caroline-”

Jack didn’t need this. He didn’t need her. She wiped her eyes and pushed herself to her feet. “I need some air.”

He dropped the wooden pieces and reached for her. “No. You’re not going to leave when you’re in this condition. Let me call Natalie.”

“For what? So she can keep cleaning up my messes? What are you going to do, call her every time you can’t handle me?”

“No, I’m going to call her every time you need her.” He sighed. “There are some things I can’t give you, Caroline. Especially when you won’t open up to me.”

She didn’t feel like opening up to anyone. What was the point? Couldn’t he see she was a lost cause? “I don’t want to talk to Natalie,” Caroline said. “I’m going for a walk.”

He sprang to his feet. “I’ll go with you.”

“No,” she said instantly. “I want to be by myself.” She looked at the mess on the floor and felt another disturbing twinge of remorse. “And I think you need some time away from me too.”

Jack shook his head but made no move to stop her. “There’s a flashlight in the kitchen utility drawer. Please don’t go too far.”

She’d go as far away as she possibly could, if only to give him a break. “I won’t.”

*              *              *              *              *

“Jesus Christ,” Natalie said. “What the hell happened in here?”

His wife had barely gotten out the door before Jack called in one of the only favors he had. “Hurricane Caroline happened.”

She motioned toward the living room. “Why is there a large firearm on the coffee table?”

“At least she didn’t take it with her when she left. Not that it matters. It’s not loaded.”

“Well, good. One less thing for me to be concerned about, I guess.”

Jack released the fist he’d had clenched since before he called Natalie. “She didn’t take this, either.”

Natalie gasped at the large diamond in his hand. “That’s beautiful.”

“It’s her engagement ring. She gave it to me right before we were separated in the woods. I tried to give it to her. She doesn’t want it back.”

She tapped his hand. “Tell me what really happened tonight.”

He slumped on the bed, patting the spot next to him. “This is about the only clean area in here. May as well take advantage.”

Natalie turned to face him. “Where is Caroline now?”

The doctor looked about as worried as he felt. “I don’t know. She took a flashlight and scampered out of here so quickly I didn’t even get a chance to ask her. She said she was going to take a walk.”

“You didn’t go with her?”

He’d thought about it. But what good would it have done? She clearly didn’t want to be anywhere near him. “She didn’t want me to.” Jack looked over at the empty space on the nightstand. “She says it’s over.”

“You know she doesn’t mean that.”

“Of course she means it,” he barked. “She’s been saying it for months and maybe it’s about time I believe her.”

“What she says and what she feels are two different things.” Natalie scanned the room again, frowning. “How’d this happen?”

“I made her dinner. Things seemed to be going well, so I got out the presents.” Jack looked Natalie in the eyes. “They weren’t new but I couldn’t get much.” He shook his head. “I’ve got more money than I’ll ever need socked away overseas and I still can’t buy a decent gift for my wife.”

“Why did you get her presents?”

Jack curled his fingers around the ring in his hand. “It’s our anniversary.”

“Oh,” Natalie said. “She didn’t want to celebrate?”

“She forgot.”

“I see.”

What kind of help was that? Was Natalie just going to
hmm
and
oh, I see
, and
yes, I understand
the entire time she was there? “Caroline never used to forget anything,” he said. “Not even the most insignificant of holidays. Hell, you could walk into her office on any given day and she’d rattle off facts about obscure people and dates I’d never heard of. Now she’s lucky to remember her own name.”

“She didn’t forget on purpose.”

“She forgot her birthday, too. Last month. Before she got hurt again. And she couldn’t remember how old she was.”

“So this isn’t the first time.”

How many more times did there need to be? “No.”