Rhapsody (The Bellator Saga Book 5) (5 page)

How could she get that glass out of his hand? “I’m eating now, Jack. That’s all you need to worry about.”

He stared at the bourbon, his fingers curled around the countertop. He reached for the bottle, his hands shaking as he removed the cap and poured himself another drink. “You can eat or drink or buy whatever you need, understand? You can go to the commissary and get whatever you want and have them bill it to me.”

She was able to do that of her own accord but knew what he was trying to say. Caroline studied him carefully. His eyes were red, and it wasn’t from crying. He was holding his glass so tightly she thought it might shatter. She bit her lip. “Can you maybe put the bottle away for tonight?”

Jack twisted the cap back on and shoved the bourbon into a cabinet under the sink. He returned to the table, downing the remainder of the drink and running his finger around the top of the glass.

“Do you drink a lot?” she asked.

“More than I used to,” he said. “More than I should.” He looked up at her. “I’ll try to cut back.”

That seemed like a great idea but Caroline wasn’t sure she had the right to verbalize it. “It’s okay. It’s not like you need my permission.”

“It’s not a particularly good habit.”

Caroline didn’t like this subject. She also didn’t want to think about how many unopened bottles might still be under the sink. “Thank you. For dinner, and the clothes, and everything else.”

“It’s my pleasure. If you need anything else, let me know. And I’d prefer to cook for you from now on. Maybe I’ll regain my skills.”

“Sure,” she said. She was tired. And she hadn’t eaten well. So her wooziness wasn’t unexpected. If she didn’t know any better, she’d think she’d consumed a few glasses of hard liquor herself. “If it’s all the same to you, I think I’m done.”

She got up and scraped her remaining food into the trash. On the way over to the sink she felt a sharp pain in her skull and bent over the counter. She heard the sound of her plate shattering as it hit the floor, and flattened her palms on the countertop.

Jack was instantly at her side. “What is it?”

Caroline swallowed back a wave of nausea. “Nothing,” she gasped. “Fine.”

His hands wrapped around her waist. “You’re not fine. Is it your head?”

“It’ll pass.”

He pressed one hand to her back, guiding her out of the kitchen. “Come on. Let’s get you to the bed.”

She stopped to rest her forehead against the wall. “I’m fine. Just let me stay here a minute.”

Jack steadied her. “Sweetheart, you need to lie down. If you can’t walk, I’ll carry you.”

Oh, she wasn’t ready for that. Caroline let him prod her ahead as she stumbled toward the bedroom. “I can do it myself,” she whispered.

He put his arm around her waist. “You don’t need to put up a brave front. Not with me. Did Natalie give you anything for pain?”

Had she? Caroline seemed to remember that. “Bottle in kitchen,” she choked.

Jack helped her sit down on the bed. “I’ll get it for you. Don’t move, okay? Stay still.” He returned with a glass of water and a large pill in his palm. “Take this,” he ordered.

“I don’t like painkillers.”

“Too bad,” he said. “You’re taking one. You’re not going to suffer through this without something.” He guided her to a better sitting position, his hand on her shoulder. “I’ll stay with you for a while.”

She winced as the pill slid down her throat. The room was getting very warm. “I’m sorry I broke that plate. I ruined your brand new set.”

Jack let out a short laugh. “Caroline, sometimes your priorities are really warped. It’s a piece of dinnerware.”

“Still sorry.”

“Lay down,” he said. “On your side.”

He wanted to be bossy and she just wanted to be alone. “I don’t need your assistance,” she gasped.

Jack eased her further down on the bed. “Jesus, Caroline. Of all the times to pull that line, you do it when you’re about to pass out. Just accept the help, okay?”

She closed her eyes but a tear still squeezed its way out. And dammit, he noticed because he wiped it away before settling in behind her.

“Hold still,” he said, placing a palm on her forehead. “Wait for the drugs to work.” He pinched the fingers of his other hand into the back of her neck, massaging the base of her skull.

“That hurts,” she whispered.

“I know, sweetheart. Give it a minute.” Jack brushed her hair out of her face. “It’ll work. I promise.” He paused. “And if it doesn’t you can beat the shit out of me tomorrow.”

She was in no mood for humor. Caroline curled into a ball, moaning softly as he worked his way up and down her neck. She tensed up, occasionally shuddering from the pain. She hated those damn oral narcotics but was counting every second in the hope the drugs would start to kick in. Why did she have to hurt all the time?

“Shouldn’t have gone,” she mumbled.

Jack hesitated before starting up again. “What was that?”

The pain was her fault. Her pain. His pain. Her fault. “Should have stayed here. You wanted me to stay here.”

“Caroline-”

“Should have listened to you.” She cringed and let out a small sob.

He stopped what he was doing and leaned over. “Sweetheart, as much as it warms my heart for you to admit I was right about something, I really want you to be quiet.”

Did talking make it hurt less, or more? She couldn’t think straight. “Stupid for me to go,” she rasped.

He kissed her cheek. “I mean it. Don’t try to talk. Just breathe. Concentrate on my voice. On where you are.”

He had to stop being so nice to her. Her head hurt. Her heart hurt.
Everything
hurt. And she just wanted it to end. “I don’t feel good,” she choked out, and started to weep softly.

His voice softened. “I know you don’t. I’m going to make it better. Try to relax.” He massaged her neck, whispering to her gently until he felt her settle down. “Better?”

Caroline sank into the pillow. It took too much effort to talk. And she’d already said enough.

“Those painkillers will make you drowsy,” Jack said. “Might help you sleep better, I guess.” He rubbed her back until she unclenched her fists. “Can I stay in here for a few minutes to make sure you’re all right?”

“Okay,” she whispered.

“Is the pain fading a little?”

“A little. How did you learn how to do that?”

“My mother had migraines when I was growing up. Sometimes a massage like that helped alleviate the symptoms.”

“Oh,” Caroline said. “I never knew that.”

“I never told you much about my parents.”

“Sounds like you were a good son.”

“I hope so.”

She turned around on the bed so she was facing him. “Thank you.”

He squeezed her arm. “It was nothing.”

He was being so kind. She tried to smile at him. “Was this you trying to be nice to me?”

“No,” he said. “This was me taking care of my beloved wife.”

So kind.
Too
kind. He was being far, far too kind. Caroline closed her eyes and bit her lip, turning away from him again. She lay there silently and felt Jack sit up on the bed.

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to act around you,” he said. “I’m doing the best I can.”

I know you are. But I can’t do the same without hurting you.
“I’m really tired,” she said. “Maybe you should-”

“Go,” Jack interrupted dully. “Yeah, I know the drill.” He slid off the bed and knelt down next to her, bringing a hand to her hair and smoothing it back. “You’re still flushed. I’ll get a cool washcloth.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not,” he snapped. “And you don’t get to argue tonight. You can yell at me tomorrow.”

Caroline closed her eyes and heard the sound of water running. He was back before she knew it, wiping her face off. She tried to bat his hand away. “I’m
fine
.”

“Fine or not, I’m taking care of you. I’m here, whether you need me or not.”

“I don’t need anyone.”

“You keep playing that record on repeat, Caroline. It’s getting a little old.”

“I’ll be fine.” She wrapped the sheet around herself, even though it was warm in the room. Jack sighed, which probably meant he knew she wasn’t going to change her mind.

“Whatever you say,” he said. “Come get me if you need anything.”

But she was sure he knew that was the last thing she would do.

The sun shone brightly as they walked over to the infirmary. Caroline doubted that was a metaphor for anything. The pleasant weather didn’t make her feel particularly jolly.

“This shouldn’t take long,” Jack said.

He hadn’t said much that morning. He probably assumed an obvious statement would clear the chill from the air. “I know,” she said.

“I want you to tell Natalie about what happened last night.”

Caroline glanced over at him. “You mean the headache or our nice little chat?”

A snarky remark meant to elicit an equally snarky response, but he smiled blandly. “Both, if you want. I’ll stay outside while you talk to her.”

He must have noticed she wanted her space. “Thanks.”

Jack sighed. “It’s a beautiful day, Caroline. Please lighten up a little.”

“I will if you’ll stop bugging me.”

“I make no promises.” He reached for her before pulling his hand back.

That was strange. “Did you want something?” she asked.

“I just…may I hold your hand?”

“Have you noticed you always ask permission after you’ve already done something?”

“I stopped before I actually did it,” he said.

“Why?”

“I’m trying to respect your boundaries.”

It was a short walk. Acquiescing was easier than arguing. Caroline extended her hand and he intertwined his fingers with hers.

Jack grinned. “My polite requests make it a lot harder for you to say no, don’t they?”

That was one way to phrase it. The question had been more of a demand. “You were never one for subtlety. Taking what you want, any time you want it.”

He squeezed her hand. “No,” he said quietly. “Just trying to push past the boundaries you’re willing to concede. I’m not going to force you to do anything. You can let go if you so desire.”

“It’s cold out,” Caroline said. “I’m trying to stay warm.”

He grinned again. “It’s 75 degrees. Come up with a better cover story.”

Insufferably cocky bastard. He may as well have taken her hand in the first place. Caroline pulled away from him and shoved her hands into her pockets. “Screw you. I’ll see Natalie myself.” She picked up her pace.

Jack jogged behind her. “Caroline, wait.”

“Why should I?” she called behind her.

He grabbed her arm. “Sweetheart, please.”

She spun around. “What? What is it now?”

He let go of her. “It’s okay to let me take care of you,” he said. “You don’t have to admit it, but it is. I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do but I know you want to be close to me. I know you want to talk to me. And I’m here any time you want to do any of those things.”

She did
not
want to start a discussion of this magnitude. Not in public. “I don’t-”

“It’s okay to want to be happy,” he whispered. “It’s even more okay to want to be happy with me.”

Caroline crossed her arms over her chest and didn’t speak.

“Please let me go with you to the infirmary,” Jack said. “Don’t worry about anything else.” He touched her wrist. “I’d really like to hold your hand again.”

She didn’t know why she held out her hand, but she barely hesitated. “Okay.”

“Okay,” he echoed, weaving her fingers through his. “Come on, we don’t want to be late.”

*              *              *              *              *

“How are things going?” Natalie asked.

“She had a migraine last night,” Jack said. “A bad one.”

They’d just walked into the examining room and already he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. “It was nothing,” Caroline said.

“She almost passed out.”

Caroline tried not to curse. “I thought it was my job to tell her. I also thought you were going to wait outside.”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay first.”

“I’m in the company of a very capably trained physician, Jack. I’ll be fine.”

He backed toward the door, wagging his finger back and forth between Caroline and Natalie. “I’ll be right outside.”

What was that about? Was he going to stand there with a glass against the wall, trying to listen in? Jesus, she probably should have let him stay.

Natalie spun around. “So, how are things really going?”

Caroline must have stared at the door a little too long. “How do you think?”

“What happened last night?”

She decided to stick to the medical details and nothing else. “I had some head pain. Not a big deal.”

“It may not be significant,” Natalie said. “But I bet it didn’t feel all that great.”

Thinking about it made her nauseated all over again. “It hurt like hell.”

“Did you take anything for it?”

“Jack forced me to take one of those horse pills you gave me.”

“Is that why you’re mad at him? Today, I mean.”

It didn’t hurt to be honest. “It’s on the list.”

“Did the medicine help?”

“I feel hung over. I don’t do well with heavy painkillers.”

“I suppose it’s better than suffering through terrible pain.”

“I suppose.”

Natalie removed the bandage over Caroline’s eyebrow. “These are definitely coming out. If your shoulder looks good, I’ll take those out as well and save you another trip over here. Okay?”

That gave her one less excuse to leave the apartment. Shit. “I guess.”

“How’s everything else going?”

“Natalie, stop prying.”

“Caroline-”

“I don’t want a lecture either.”

Natalie paused in the act of removing a pair of scissors from the drawer behind her. “Is there anything you want to talk about? Why are you in such a shitty mood?”

Had the doctor been living under a rock the past several months? “I have an intolerable roommate situation.”

“I highly doubt that. Tell me the truth. You’re much better at being straight with me when no one else is around.” Natalie rolled a stool over to the examining table and sat down. “What’s the scoop?”

Her eyes drifted toward the door again before focusing on the floor. “It’s hard,” Caroline whispered.

“What’s hard?”

“Being around him.”

“That’s not unexpected. What else?”

“He’s being too nice to me.”

Natalie laughed. “That’s not possible.”

“It is,” Caroline said. “It’s incredibly awkward.”

“Would Jack agree with you?”

“Without a doubt.” She could ask questions. Natalie would tell her the truth. “Was I really unconscious for three days?”

“Yes,” Natalie said softly. “It was very trying.”

“And Jack stayed with me the whole time.”

“He did. I’m not sure he even ate. He never left that room. Not once.”

Caroline looked over at the side wall. The paint was peeling. The décor was sparse at best, but at least it was clean. She closed her eyes.

“You can’t keep hiding,” Natalie said.

“Why not?”

Natalie bit back a laugh. “Because I said so?”

“You can do better than that.”

“Because you both need to deal with this.” Natalie put her hand on Caroline’s shoulder. “What’s really going on?”

“I don’t know how to talk to him,” she whispered. “How did that happen? I used to always know what to say, and now all I do is lash out at him.”

“What’s it really been like? Be honest.”

“Couldn’t you tell when we walked in here?”

“I want your opinion before I comment on my impressions.”

Her impressions couldn’t have been good. “There’s all this tension,” Caroline said softly. “It hangs in the air, especially when we’re alone. I don’t know how to cut through it. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or say to fix it.”

“Do you think Jack is the cause of it?”

Caroline clenched her fists. Natalie wasn’t going to let up. “He can barely look me in the eyes. There are times when I can swear he’s happy I’m there, but most of the time he seems so…ashamed.”

“Of who?”

Of himself. Of the fact that he’s stuck with me.
“I don’t know.”

“Do you think he’s mad at you?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”

“Are you mad at him?”

“I don’t…are you trying to trick me into having another therapy session?”

Natalie chuckled. “No. I’m trying to figure out why you’re perceiving things the way you are.”

“Couldn’t you feel it when we came in here?”

“A little,” she admitted. “But you’re missing the bigger picture. Jack is trying to help you. Protect you. And he doesn’t quite know how to do it.”

“What do you mean?”

“You saw how he acted when you first got here today. Taking the lead, answering my questions before you had a chance to speak. He wasn’t doing that to be overbearing. He’s doing it because he’s worried about you. He was afraid you weren’t going to tell me the truth.”

“I was,” Caroline insisted.

“I know,” Natalie said. “But you might not have said it in front of him.”

This entire situation sucked. “How did we get so awkward?”

Natalie tried not to smile. “Hell if I know. You have plenty of time to figure it out. Just take it day by day. It’ll get easier. I promise.”

That seemed like a rather generous assessment of the situation. “How did I even get back here?” Caroline asked. “I don’t want to ask Jack.”

“Jones hauled you out after the field lit up. By the time they wheeled you in, you were in pretty dire straits.” Natalie cleared her throat. “I was on duty and when I first saw you I thought you were dead.”

Well, that brought a fresh round of guilt. Especially after she’d promised Natalie she’d be careful. “I’m sorry. Did you, um, help treat me?”

“It was a little beyond what I’m qualified to do. And I’m not sure I was in the proper emotional state to do it. I stayed with Jack. Provided treatment for the rest of your crew. Mostly minor injuries.”

Except for Rosen. Caroline had so much blood on her hands she could never wash them clean. “Thanks.”

“For which part?”

“Natalie-”

“I’m kidding,” Natalie said. “I won’t push it. Just try to be nicer to him, okay?”

“I am.”

“I’m here if you need me. Don’t forget that.”

“I know.”

Natalie gestured toward Caroline’s hair. “You gonna finally grow that out?”

The thought had crossed her mind. “Maybe.”

“I hope you do. You have a shit haircut.”

“Wait, we had a nice pep talk and now you’re going to criticize my styling abilities?”

Natalie laughed. “No. I thought you might want to start caring about yourself a little more. Let’s use your hair as a starting point. Shall we get these stitches out?”

The stitches made for quick work, and Natalie soon moved on to her shoulder. “You healed faster than I thought,” she told Caroline. “Has Jack been helping you?”

“Sort of,” she said. “He took a look at my forehead but I freaked out when he wanted to look at my shoulder.”

Natalie sighed. “Oh, Caroline. You still haven’t told him?”

Hadn’t she been paying attention during their earlier conversation? “I’m not ready.”

“He is.”

“I can’t - I don’t want him to look at me the way you do. The way everyone does.”

“And how’s that?”

“Like you all feel sorry for me.”

“You think that’s what people are doing?”

“Yeah.”

Natalie looked her square in the eyes. “Don’t confuse pity with admiration. Tell him, Caroline. He can handle it.”

“I’m not sure he can.”

“You need to give him more credit.” She poked around Caroline’s shoulder, her lecture over. “These are coming out too, so take it easy the next couple of days. You’ll take some time to heal and might have a scar.”

Caroline laughed but managed to stay steady as Natalie removed the stitches. “Maybe I should start tallying them up. All those red badges of courage.”

“At least you acknowledge them for what they are.” Natalie moved over to the sink to wash her hands, her work finished. “Jack wants to take care of you. Let him do it.”

“I don’t want to depend on anyone.”

“Letting him take care of you doesn’t make you dependent,” Natalie said. “It makes him dependable. It takes just as much courage to accept help as it does to render it.”

“That’s deep. Any other words of wisdom for me?”

“Even the strongest tree can snap in two with enough pressure. Maybe you should stop trying to uproot it.”

“Is that your daily affirmation?” Caroline asked.

“Nope, it’s just a nice metaphor for you to figure out.”