Rhapsody (The Bellator Saga Book 5) (7 page)

If he was so sure of himself, she could try a little harder. She twisted her wrists but he held firm.             

“Stop,” he said. “You want to hurt me or hurt yourself and I’m not going to let it happen.” Jack pulled her toward him so she was forced to look him in the eyes. “You can’t run away and you can’t solve your problems with violence. You’re going to have to face this whether you like it or not.”

She tried to twist herself away from him as he pinned her arms to her sides again, pushing them behind her back. “Please let me go.” A familiar adrenaline fueled panic began to fill her chest. “Please.”

“No,” Jack said. “You’re going to listen, my dear wife. You don’t get to speak that way to me and then scamper off. You don’t get to make the rules anymore. I make the rules. You hear me?”

She never got to make the rules. She was a pawn in someone else’s game. And now she was trapped in his, getting closer to that bottomless depression she couldn’t quite control, no matter how hard she tried.

Fight it. She had to fight it. Fight the darkness, fight the despair, fight the memories. Would he let her go if she went limp? It didn’t matter. She had to get away. “Don’t hurt me,” she begged, trying to retreat to the safe place inside her mind. The place where nothing hurt. “Please let me go.”

Something in her expression must have registered, because whatever trance he was in vanished. Jack released her wrists, staring down at his hands and then back at her. “Caroline, I’m sorry,” he said, looking horrified with himself.

She hunched over, rubbing her arms, breathing hard. If he apologized one more fucking time she really was going to punch him in the jaw. She was good at that. “Go fuck yourself,” she snarled. “Fucking control freak.”

He wiped at his lip, wincing. “You don’t hate me,” he whispered, staring at the blood on his fingers. “You don’t.”

“I do. With good reason.”

“Sweetheart-”

“Don’t ‘sweetheart’ me. This isn’t working. I need my own room. I want to be as far away from you as possible. So figure it out. Until you do, I want to be left alone.” She went into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

Caroline sat up on the bed, unable to fall asleep. She could do something constructive with her time. Like practice her posture, count the holes in the ceiling tile, ignore all those reminders of her that Jack had sprinkled around the room. Do her best to forget all the horrible things she’d just said and done to him. She’d heard the exterior door slam after their argument. Her husband hadn’t returned.

It was late afternoon and she was attempting to nap. She remained completely exhausted and emotionally drained. How many days had passed since she’d been discharged from the hospital? She couldn’t remember. Natalie had warned her that she’d be fatigued as her body gradually recovered from the trauma of the blast. But when was she never
not
tired?

She’d been fortunate not to have a more serious brain injury, not to have been hit by more shrapnel, not to have bled out on the bumpy, frantic ride back to the base. Caroline knew that she was, yet again, lucky to be alive. Maybe that guardian angel was still on her shoulder. Or maybe karma was a fucking asshole.

She lay back on the pillow. The light in the corner was on, even though it was a sunny day. The dim glow gave her comfort. Caroline saw the box of Gabe’s possessions in the corner. She hadn’t noticed it before. Given that she was staying in the bedroom and Jack was sleeping on the couch, he’d probably put it in with her so he wouldn’t have to look at it.

Caroline had never bothered going through Gabe’s things after she packed them up. Hadn’t wanted to see or touch his clothes. And she purposely ignored the letter he’d written her. She had yet to see Jones and the others since they all returned from the mission. If Caroline didn’t know any better, she’d think they were avoiding her. She missed her connection with them. It was uncomplicated, rough, and real; not overly emotional, not too jovial either. They were simple men and she appreciated their ability to live easy.

She rummaged through the box until she found it. It wasn’t thick. It couldn’t be a long letter by any means. Gabe had been a man of few words.

Her hands shook. This was a bad idea. Every instinct told her to ignore what might be inside the sealed envelope. She hadn’t loved Gabe. He knew that. She knew that. It wasn’t all that difficult to understand. But he had felt much more for her than she had for him. She wasn’t sure if she could handle those feelings laid bare on paper. But curiosity got the best of her and she found herself opening it anyway.

There was a single sheet inside, folded into thirds. She looked at it for a long while, not wanting to see what Gabe had written. Was it worse to ignore it or just break down and read? She unfolded the paper. He had nice, neat, impeccably printed handwriting.

Dear Caroline:

If you’re reading this, I didn’t make it back. And that’s okay. I’ve had a pretty good life. I should have done more with it than I have. Hopefully I went out doing something important.

I wasn’t sure what to put in here. I’ve never done this before. I guess I could have written to all of you – including Jones, Gig, and Crunch – but I’m not sure they need to hear what I want to say.

I know you feel alone. That you think your time at the Fed broke you. It didn’t. I remember what you were like before the government fell. So much of that is still in you. I hope you hold onto it.

Don’t mourn me. Move on. Remember me as your friend, as your companion, as your fellow soldier. You can win this fight.

You’re a good woman. It’s easy to love you. Which is why I’m telling you what I’m telling you now – because I love you. I know you don’t feel the same way, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it. I’m just grateful I got to spend a small part of my life with you. I only wish I’d been able to get you to safety sooner. Please don’t hold my cowardice against me – I hope I managed to make it right in the end.

Your heart belongs to someone else and it always will. I knew it the instant we got here. Do whatever you have to do to make peace with everything that has happened, but don’t sacrifice your happiness for it. You deserve to be happy, whether you believe it or not. Let go of your anger. It doesn’t define who you are and it shouldn’t dictate your life.

Forgive him.

Gabe

Tears burned her eyes. Why had she waited so long? What was she supposed to do? Save it? Rip it up? Burn it in some sort of ritualistic cleansing ceremony? She couldn’t unread those words.

Caroline walked over to the dresser and pulled the chain with Jack’s wedding ring out of the box of her belongings. She held it up, the shiny metal reflecting the random rays of sunlight seeping into the room. Not that there was much to see; it was a plain platinum band with a traditional milgrain design. It was what she had preferred. She had given Jack such a hard time about the size of her engagement ring that she insisted they both have relatively ordinary, identical bands to exchange at their wedding.  Although he was more than willing to select a fancier design, he agreed.

Caroline thought back to the day she placed it on his finger. She wondered how long he’d worn it after he arrived at the base, and what had provided the impetus for him to remove it. And then she remembered; she felt the coolness of the ring against her skin as he comforted her in the interrogation room, right before she passed out and woke up in the infirmary. After that she didn’t notice it again until he gave it to her.

She held the ring between her thumb and forefinger, studying the inscription. She was proud of her French heritage. Jack loved the phrase she selected, though his own foreign language skills were rusty and he had to use Google Translate in order to read it correctly the first time.

Mon âme appartient à mon bien-aimé, éternellement à lui, Caroline.

She closed her eyes, flashing back to that horrific night in the woods.

“This is absurd, Caroline. I’m not leaving you here alone.”

“Don’t make me do this. I can’t. I won’t leave you.”

“I will come back for you, Caroline. Understand? I promise I will come back. I’m not giving up. I will find someone we can trust and I will come back.”

She clenched the ring in her fist, trying to block out the remaining memories of that night. And any other recollections she had of Jack, their children, their friends, their lives together. Realizing how far she’d fallen was too painful to comprehend. She was in so deep that there was no way to crawl out of the hole she’d made for herself.

Caroline sat down on the bed and rested her head on her elbows as tears dripped onto her shirt. The ring fell out of her hand onto the floor and she tugged at her hair, trying to use the pain to distract herself from her emotional agony. Of course it didn’t work. She failed at everything she did, including managing her grief.

It took her a while. To choke back the sobs, to carefully fold up the letter and make sure she didn’t dampen it with her tears, to put it and the wedding ring back inside the box.

She knew what she had to do. It was the only proper choice to make.

Jack left his apartment for several hours to check up on intelligence briefings and clear his head.
His
apartment. Not theirs. He had no delusions about what he was going back to. When he returned Caroline was sitting on the couch. She had the small box of her possessions sitting on her lap. There wasn’t much there, just some old articles of clothing and a few pieces of paper.

She regarded him wearily and put the box on the coffee table. Her eyes were puffy. She’d been crying, probably for the entire time he’d been gone. Lonely and desperate tears, like the ones he’d shed in his office earlier when he knew Schroeder had gone to dinner. Since she wasn’t yelling at him yet, Jack sat down on the couch next to her. They sat there for a long time, not speaking.

Finally he broke the silence, willing to spill out one of the troubling thoughts that had plagued him for most of the afternoon. His money had never been of consequence to her, and that was true in more ways than one.

“That’s why you thought I was dead,” Jack said. “It wasn’t the bank account or the Underground rumors or anything else. It was because I didn’t come back for you.”

Caroline nodded reluctantly before turning away.

God, she couldn’t even look at him. “I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he said softly. “I’m so fucking sorry. I should have realized I would never be the man who could keep his promises to you.”

She silently gnawed on her lower lip. She looked like she wanted to say something. Something horrible and awful and likely true, no doubt. His wife’s unwillingness to make eye contact bordered on unbearable.

“I'm not mad at you,” he said.

She stared at her feet. “You should be.”

Her voice was rough. The crying had done more than redden her eyes. “For what?” he asked. “Because you trusted me? Caroline, no one has ever believed in me like you have. You're the one who should be mad at me.”

“I'm not.”
She pressed a fist to her lips. “It’s not your fault.”

“The hell it isn’t.”

“It’s mine,” she said. “I shouldn’t have held onto those words so tightly. But I needed them to get me through…it.”

It
. He knew what she meant. That place. The pain. And all the other things he didn’t want to think about. He tucked her hair behind her ear and she looked up at him.

So sad and dejected. Even at her worst he could never let her go. “I'm sorry,” he said, pressing his lips to her forehead.

“You’re not the one who needs to apologize,” Caroline whispered.

He wanted to kiss her again, and not on the forehead. He needed to make her feel better. Maybe she’d let him do it. Maybe he wasn’t the only one wallowing around in a sty of guilt. Or maybe they were both too far gone. “You don’t, either.”

“I do,” she said. “It was an irrational thing for me to think. I know that. I’ve probably always known that. I just needed to be mad about it for a minute.”

Or for months. “You have every right to be mad at me.”

Caroline opened her mouth, presumably to disagree, before placing her hand on his knee. “
Pretty silly, right?” She stared at the floor again. “Damsel in distress waiting for her prince to come carry her away.”

“It's not silly.
I shouldn’t have done that to you,” Jack said.

“Done what? Given me something to hold onto? Something to hope for? Some promise in those weeks of despair? That might have been the only thing that kept me from giving up.”

If something temporarily kept a person intact, did it matter if it ended up destroying them in the end? “It still wasn’t fair to you. And now all I have for you are more words. Words that don’t mean anything.”

“They mean something. They have to.”

So many random thoughts tossed out into the wind, latching onto the first emotion they found, good or bad. “How do I know they do?” he asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m not capable of reasonable thought anymore.” Caroline shook her head. “I guess that’s yet another thing that’s wrong with me.”

He could lie. She wouldn’t believe it, but he could try. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

Caroline pursed her lips and turned away from him, and they once again plunged into awkward silence. Maybe his words or his deeds or his
anything
weren’t enough.

“I was bluffing about giving your room away,” Jack finally said. “You can go back there if you want. Or anyplace else you want to go. I won’t force you to stay.” He took a shaky breath. “You can leave the base if you want. Even though I can’t protect you if you’re gone.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

Such a timid question. Jack clenched his fists. More truth. He may as well give it to her. “I want you to be happy,” he whispered. “And maybe I have to accept that I’m not what you need in order for that to happen.”

“I’m sorry I yelled at you. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have slapped you either.” Her eyes filled with tears. “And I definitely shouldn’t have tried to punch you.” She reached over to touch his face but stopped and looked down at her feet again. “I’m sorry,” she said softly, wrapping her arms around herself.

She seemed so fragile. Like the slightest gust of wind would blow her away. Jack tentatively put his hand on her back. Caroline looked over at him, the tears in her eyes spilling over.

“I’m sorry, Jack. About everything.”

Would they ever be able to stop apologizing? “I shouldn’t have said the things I did,” he said. “Your relationship with Morton was never any of my business. You thought I was dead. I realize that. Maybe there are some things that aren’t my place anymore.” He rubbed his cheek and winced. “And I understand why you lost your temper at me.” Jack removed his hand from her back. “I shouldn’t have grabbed your wrists like that. Part of me wanted to hurt you and I did. That was inexcusable.”

“It’s okay,” Caroline said quietly. “I deserved it.”

Maybe they
were
too far gone, if that was how she chose to process things. “You most certainly did not,” Jack said. “I had no right to do that to you. No one does. I know why you reacted the way you did. I didn’t – I shouldn’t have triggered you like that.” He cleared his throat. “I don’t ever want to remind you of that horrifying place. You’re right. I
am
a control freak. I always have been.”

“I provoked you,” she said.

“That’s no justification for causing you physical pain. You’ve had enough to deal with. I refuse to contribute to it.”

“It’s okay,” Caroline said, rubbing her wrists. “It just hurt a little.”

And undoubtedly scared the shit out of her. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I want you to feel safe again. I can’t give you much of anything anymore but I don’t want you to be afraid of me.”

“I’m not afraid of you. I just-”

“It’s hard for you to be around me. I know that’s why you’ve been lashing out.” His voice broke. If he spouted any more truths he was liable to break in two. “I know you’re disappointed in me. I failed you.”

“That’s no excuse for me humiliating you, emasculating you in front of your troops. Your officers, your professionals, the men and women you command. I shouldn’t have done it. I’ve been doing it the entire time I’ve been here.”

He wasn’t sure any of that mattered now. “Caroline, I cannot begin to comprehend what you went through when we were separated. It crushes me to think about it. I was supposed to protect you. I promised you that. I should not judge you for the way you’re dealing with that betrayal.”

“You didn’t betray me, Jack. That’s such a harsh word. Please don’t use it.”

What other word could he use?
Abandonment
?
Selfishness
?
Cowardice
? “How would you describe it?”

Caroline thought for a moment. “You did what I insisted you do. And maybe you need to start calling me out on the way I’ve been acting. Because it hasn’t been appropriate.”

Jack wiped his eyes. Neither one of them seemed to be able to hold it together for very long. “I’ll do whatever you want. And I will never, ever grab you like that ever again.”

“I shouldn’t have attacked you. That was really disrespectful.”

He let out a small laugh. She seemed so caught up in her own actions when his were far worse. “I think we’ve moved beyond Miss Manners when it comes to our general behavior. That slap was very refined, even if it hurt like hell.”

“I never in a million years thought I’d ever do anything like that to you. I’m glad I didn’t actually injure you.” Caroline hung her head. “I wanted to. I really did.”

She
had
injured him. A little. He’d been unable to sneak out and grab some ice after he started to realize just how hard she’d hit him. “My cheek still hurts, if it makes you feel better.”

Caroline looked up at him, dismayed. “I’m sorry.”

She’d missed the joke. “Please don’t apologize,” he said. “I was kidding. You’re quite strong. It makes you a good soldier.”

She reached up to touch his face. “You should have slapped me right back.”

Her palm was warm. Gentle. She rubbed her thumb over his cheekbone, studying him with a critical eye. He wanted her to keep touching him even if it was more apology than romantic overture.

“That would be the worst thing I could have possibly done,” he said. “And you didn’t want to hurt me.” Jack placed his hand over hers. “That’s how I know you don’t hate me. Because you restrained yourself.”

She blinked rapidly. “I’m so sorry I said all those awful things to you. It must have taken so much for you to keep from doing more than you did.”

“Nothing you say or do could justify my use of violence.”

“You used to do it with my permission,” Caroline pointed out. “Under certain very interesting circumstances.”

Well, fuck if that didn’t bring back a flood of memories. Intense memories. But sweet just the same. “Did you just make a joke?”

“Maybe a little one.”

Jack looked up and she was smiling at him shyly. He couldn’t help but return it. “You made a joke,” he repeated.

“I guess I did.” She put her hand on his knee. “Jack, let this one go.”

She wasn’t touching his cheek anymore but at least she was still near him. “All right,” he said quietly, and caressed her cheek.

*              *              *              *              *

Jack kept a smile glued to his face. “I missed your smile.”

Caroline wasn’t sure she wanted him to stop touching her. “I’ll work on not looking so angry all the time.”

He pulled his hand away. “I know this isn’t the appropriate time to say it, but you were fantastic, Caroline. You made me feel like Superman. Every day with you was a gift.”

She tried not to roll her eyes, though he sounded sincere. “You’re only saying that because we screwed like bunny rabbits all the time.”

“No, I’m not,” he said. “It was everything you gave me. The passion that would radiate from you when you were giving a speech, discussing anything of importance, or cracking a joke. Even if we were having an inane conversation. No matter what we were doing. You have no idea the effect you had on the public. I could never fully fathom what a privilege it was to be the man your heart belonged to.”

His eyes were wet again. “What we had was so special. It was the way you used to look at me even if we were in a room full of people. You didn’t care if anyone noticed. You never hid how you felt. Your sense of whimsy, of hope, the way you found joy in the little things. Your unshakable faith in humanity, your extraordinary character, your belief in me. You were so exquisitely easy to love. You have no idea how incomparable you were. And I want to kill the bastards who took your spirit away. Every single one of them. Because they tried to slaughter something magnificent, someone who was irreplaceable in the world.” He looked down at his hands. “And I hate them for it.”

Jack cleared his throat and pulled his head up. “I’m sorry,” he said, a tear rolling down his cheek. “Sometimes it’s hard to remember what you used to be like. I’m a very selfish man because I just want my sweet Caroline back.”

An impossible dream. She covered her eyes. “I can’t be her. I can’t even think about her.”

“You should,” he said. “You can’t forget the essence of who you are. Who we are. We had so much. It wasn’t just our sex life, although that was phenomenal. The way you’d respond to me, touch me, gaze up at me when we were making love. I miss that. It crushes me to know I’ve probably lost you, even though you’re sitting here next to me. I know we can’t be what we were but I love you so much, sweetheart.”

She couldn’t take any more kind words. Any sincere speeches. She knew he meant everything he said, which only made it worse. “I know you do.” Caroline fought back tears. “That’s why I’m so ashamed of how I’ve been treating you. It would have been so much better for you if I’d never made it here. Then you’d have some closure. You wouldn’t be forced to see what I am now.”

Jack scowled. “Never say that to me. Ever again.”

If he was baring his soul she was obligated to return the favor. “I can’t help it. It’s true.”