ROAR (48 page)

She’s his wife. I’m his submissive
.

Pamela had only begun to submit to him, but that only made her hunger to delve more deeply into the lifestyle with him.

With the turmoil Kristoffer must be experiencing now, she wouldn’t want to hazard a guess as to her chances with him once they returned to Denver. But he’d been teaching her to live in the moment. Why worry about what the future held?
Carpe diem
.

Pamela stretched out on the mattress and punched her pillow several times, as if that could help relieve her frustration. The bathroom door opened, and she turned around to see him standing there wearing only his boxers. He dried his muscular torso with the towel, but his gaze never left hers.

“Sorry about that. You okay, Sprite?”

She forced herself to smile. “I think so.” Yet she negated her words by shaking her head.

He tossed the towel on the bathroom floor, crossed the room, and crawled onto the mattress from the other side of the bed. She didn’t want to face him until she brought her emotions under control, but he closed the space between them and pressed against her back. He wrapped his arms around her, his warm body smelling of deodorant soap.

Warm? So he hadn’t taken a cold shower after all.

“Sex is out, of course, but how would you feel about cuddling?”

Baby steps
. She rolled over and smiled at him. “I’d love that.”

“Good, because I need your body against mine tonight, Pamela.” He sighed, and she thought he was going to say something more, but he remained silent. When he sighed again, she knew something was on his mind.

Pamela stroked his cheek. “What’s wrong?”

He took a few moments before he answered, making her worry more. “I took care of myself in the bathroom.” It took her a moment to realize what he meant. “I wouldn’t be able to touch you, lie beside you, without exploding otherwise.”

She grinned. “I understand completely. I’m here if you need me to…” She didn’t know why she couldn’t come out and say the words. As far as she knew, the man hadn’t come since they’d been on this trip, although she had no idea what he’d done in the privacy of his room in Sonoma. Pamela had no problem with him seeing to his own needs if he wasn’t ready to allow her to do so.

“I know you would. Perhaps I’ll be ready to ask for that soon. But not tonight. And especially not with your mother downstairs.” He half shrugged, and she laughed. “But I don’t want to be a selfish bastard on top of one very confused one. Can I help relieve some of your frustration, too?”

Intuition told her allowing him to go any further tonight would only result in more guilt on his conscience and destroy all they’d achieved the past few days. Rather than let her rampant hormones dictate how fast this relationship moved, she’d give him some breathing room.

“No, thanks.” She grinned. “Next time, perhaps we can consider taking care of each other—hands and mouths are both on my okay list, whenever they are added to yours.”

He drew a deep breath. “Keep putting images like that in my head, and you’ll send me back to the bathroom.”

“Not without me this time, I hope.”

He chuckled, telling her she hadn’t pushed too hard. Never hurt to remind him where the current level of negotiation lay.

“Turn over so we can spoon, Sprite.” She did as instructed and pressed her back and butt against him again, feeling the sting left from last night. His hand reached up to cup her breast, but she halted the movement and placed it around her waist instead.

“Don’t get me wrong, Kristoffer. I want you to touch me more intimately, but not until we’re ready.” His breathing sounded labored; the only other noise she heard was the waves lapping against the beach. “Snuggling with you is all I need tonight.”

She scooted closer against him, ultimately deciding to bring his hand up to rest between her breasts. A compromise of sorts. Tonight, she would lie nestled in his arms, snug against his warm, hard body in a protective cocoon.

Tomorrow? Well, they’d continue to negotiate this relationship like two rational adults before jumping into anything that might cause regrets for either of them. She’d jumped too fast before and had only wound up hurt. He hadn’t permitted himself to be close to anyone since Tori. Both had a lot to overcome before they could move forward together. But neither seemed ready to cut and run.

He lifted her hair and kissed the back of her neck. “Thank you, Sprite.”

The rasp of his scruff made her body tingle to the core. “For what?” Her voice sounded husky to her ears.

“For understanding me better than I do myself sometimes.”

She smiled and closed her eyes. “I’m trying.”

*     *     *

Kristoffer’s heartbeat slowly returned to normal. He doubted he’d sleep much tonight, but holding her like this left him with a sense of peace he hadn’t felt in…a very long time. Pulling away from her would gouge a hole in his chest.

How had this little sprite become so precious to him in such a short time?

Each step closer to intimacy left him torn in two directions: Faithfulness to his marriage vows and the need to seek comfort—and perhaps more—from a woman he’d come to care deeply about.

“Pamela,” he whispered.

“Yes?”

“In a perfect world, where do you see our relationship going from here?”

“We don’t live in a perfect world.”

Such a pragmatist
. “Okay, where do you
want
this to go?”

“Go? Some things can’t be planned or forecasted, Kristoffer, unlike your investments. I know you’re used to controlling everything around you, but romance doesn’t work that way.”

While he wasn’t ready to say this was a romance, they’d certainly become more romantic since coming to California. Clearly, by her words, she saw it as a romance, though.

He ought to close his eyes and mouth and go to sleep, but the need to figure this out outweighed caution. “It would be selfish of me to string you along when you could be spending your time at clubs or play parties looking for a Dom who can offer his entire heart and mind.”

She rolled onto her back and stared at him. “I thought we agreed in the limo we’re going to take this one step at a time.” She propped herself up on her elbow, a stern expression on her face. “Right now, you’re the only Dom I want. I agreed to be your submissive, because I’m comfortable with you and am coming to trust you more each day. You’ve had an amazing effect on my submissive skills. Bottom line, I choose to be with you rather than search for some unknown Dom who may or may not understand and care for me as well as you do.”

“There’s no guarantee I’ll be able to continue when we go home.”

She brushed a strand of hair off his forehead. “Look, at the very worst, we go back to me being in training with you. That worked before, and there’s nothing to say it won’t work again. But what might have you concerned is that other aspects of this relationship have advanced faster than either of us anticipated while we’ve been out here.”

To say the least.

“Kristoffer, it’s only natural to become nervous when exploring new territory in a relationship—and this is definitely new to us both.” A steely determination came into her eyes. “But I, for one, have zero regrets about anything we’ve done. I can’t imagine anything that would make me change my opinion. I hope you feel the same way. Guilt and regret are wasted emotions and a total drain on your energy. I suggest that you cut them out like a cancer.”

Easier said than done, but her bossy lecture made him smile. “Yes, ma’am.”

She smiled back, lightening the mood. He rose up on his own elbow and rested his head in his palm. “You always say what I need to hear.” He brushed an imaginary hair from her forehead and let his hand trail down her cheek to her chin. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life beating myself up because I didn’t allow myself to experience something I want this badly.”

Pamela closed her eyes and shook her head before meeting his gaze again. “You sound as though you have to make a decision immediately. Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere. Well, except maybe to Afghanistan in a month or two.”

He didn’t like the thought of her being in harm’s way again. As her Dom, he could voice his opinion, but they hadn’t negotiated for him to have any authority over her profession.

“I know we’ve talked about security measures at the hospital before, Pamela, but I wasn’t your Dom then. Now, I expect you to set up regular check-ins. I’m still going to worry every minute you’re gone, but at least at those times—once a day, if not more often—I’ll be able to breathe.”

“It’s really not as scary as it sounds, but knowing you care and expect to hear from me will help me feel less isolated. Oh, my parents care, too, but they haven’t required daily updates.”

“Never confuse me with your parents.”

She laughed. “No, Sir. No chance of that happening.” She leaned forward and gave him a chaste peck on the lips. “But thanks for not going all he-man Dom on me and demanding that I give up my career.”

“I know how much your work means to you. Nothing would end this fledgling relationship faster than me trying to control every aspect of your life. I can just imagine how well that would go over.”

Surrendering her independence to him career-wise wasn’t going to happen with her. No more than he’d give up working for Gunnar. Even if watching her go was going to kill him, he’d have to suck it up.

“How long do you think you’ll be gone?”

“Right now, I’m only planning to finish out my last contract. I’ve applied to join the plastics and reconstructive surgery department at Children’s in Aurora and have an interview with the chief of surgery Monday.”

“That’s great!” Knowing she wouldn’t be planning any more dangerous overseas assignments relieved him somewhat.

“I haven’t been offered a position yet.”

“You’ll bowl them over. I have every confidence in you. Why didn’t you say anything before?”

She shrugged. “We seem to have a deplorable lack of interest in discussing one another’s careers, as best I can tell.”

“True.” He chuckled. He’d been too consumed with her submissive training and his attempts at moving on with his life to waste precious time together talking about their work.

“Children’s has a wonderful program and even lead a team of surgeons on a trip to Guatemala every year, so I won’t completely be giving up my humanitarian activities.”

He wasn’t sure Guatemala was all that safe, either, but at least she’d be closer.

He shook his head as he continued to stare at her. So beautiful in the moonlight. Her lips beckoned him, and he pulled her head toward his to kiss her. She moaned and opened her mouth to receive him, but he ended the kiss almost as quickly as it had started.

“Let’s spend a night or two in Big Sur.”

“I’d love to!”

Being alone with her, away from her mother, would be far less inhibiting. Was that a good or bad thing?

“Why don’t we leave right after breakfast?” he asked.

She nodded. “Perfect. There are a few stops I’d like to make on the way.”

He chuckled. “I know how you are on scenic drives.”

She picked up her phone from the nightstand. “I’m setting the silent alarm on my fitness tracker bracelet so I won’t wake you up, but I want to have a talk with Mom before we leave.” Had the light in her eyes dimmed a bit? “I’ll just go down before breakfast, but you sleep in, or take a walk on the beach.”

Sounded serious—and something he didn’t need to be a part of. “I’m sure I’ll manage just fine for a couple of hours on my own.” If there was one thing he knew how to do, it was be alone.

“A walk sounds good. I have some thinking to do, and I’m guessing you could use some time alone with your mom.”

She studied his face a moment. “Sure. It’s a great place to find answers.”

He wasn’t sure he knew the questions to ask, but nodded. “Now, let’s get some sleep,” he suggested, lying on his back. He rolled onto his side facing away from her, worried being so close to her might turn him on. But when she snuggled against his back, leaving him wanting so much more, he wondered if he could manage to hold out until they returned to Denver.

All he knew for certain at this point was that the thought of ending all contact with Pamela now would rip his heart in two…again. He still hadn’t figured out what kind of relationship he could offer that was worthy of her commitment, but perhaps he’d find answers on the beach in a few hours.

*     *     *

Pamela tried to be as quiet as possible and grabbed her tank top and shorts to carry downstairs and dress so as not to awaken Kristoffer, who was sleeping as though he hadn’t a care in the world. She smiled. This trip had been good for him.

After dressing at the base of the stairwell, she walked into the kitchen to find an array of fruits laid out on the counter along with bacon, a bag of potatoes, and a carton of eggs. The door to the patio was open, and she peeked outside to find Mom doing yoga. Rather than disturb her, she began cutting up potatoes for home fries and frying some of the bacon. She was halfway through preparing the one healthy part of the meal—fruit salad—when Mom came into the kitchen.

“Smells wonderful!”

“Thanks for going shopping this morning.” The fridge had been nearly empty last night.

“I woke up early and thought you might be hungry when you got up. Hope I didn’t forget anything.”

“I can’t think of anything you’ve left out.” Pamela couldn’t help but wonder if Mom was trying to send them on their way as early as possible, although she didn’t seem to be stressed out by their being here.

As she hulled and quartered one strawberry after another, her thoughts swarmed around the question foremost in her mind all morning—and for a large portion of her life. She’d never asked, but all of the recent talks with Kristoffer about her childhood had stirred up a lot of feelings. She wanted answers, but didn’t want to rock the boat, either. She and her mom had been getting closer for more than a decade. Why jeopardize that?

“You’re awfully quiet, Sunshine. Everything all right with you and Kristoffer?”

“We’re doing great. Thinking about driving down to Big Sur and spending a couple of nights there.” Pamela didn’t make eye contact, but picked up the stems and peels from the salad and tossed them into the waste bin after asking if they could be recycled here.