Rock and Roll Never Forgets (The Rock and Roll Trilogy) (24 page)

“
I know that. Your point now?
”
 

“
I figured out why he stayed mad. You had the ear, you listened, you knew what you liked, and said so. What you liked always
did well for us. When you didn’
t like it so much, and we released it anyway, usually because Dane wanted it, it did OK, not great, just OK. That infuriated him. We were together recently, talking about it. He said that it was jealousy. I just want you to listen and tell me what you like and don
’
t. I respect your opinion.”

It was quiet for a long time and finally Andy laughed,
“
Go to sleep on me?”

“No, just thinking. Send it. I’
ll listen.”

“
Thanks Bethy.”

“
I have to go now, really, I have to go.”

“
It’s late, I know. I won't call you again. You know how to reach me, if you want. Take care of you. Good night Bethy.” And then he blew that same kiss into the phone that he always ended their calls with, and a flood of memories came rushing back
.

On Sunday afternoon, the tape arrived via courier. Roddy told her to “brace” herself. She listened, and listened, and listened again. She was up all night. She listened, she cried, she listened some more, and again she cried. It was good, really good. But it was more emotional than he tried to warn her it would be. No words could have prepared her for what she felt
.

Monday morning, when she could, she called Roddy. Andy was right, it was good, and she was raw. She was physically and emotionally drained.

“
Hey, it
’
s me,” Beth said when he answered. “I know it’s early.” It came out a whisper that burned her throat.

He laughed,
“
Never too early for you, my love! You OK?” he asked, knowing that she wa
s calling about the tape. “What’
d you think?”

“
Oh God Roddy, I was up all night. I think I just died that death all over again.” Beth told him,
“
I
’
m whipped… drained.”

“
I know. Good stuff though isn
’
t it?”

“
It
’
s so emotional, so soulful. If I had heard it on the radio without any warning I would have lost it, broke down wherever I was. God, Roddy, will it ever stop hurting?” 

“
I can
’
t a
nswer that, Beth. I know it won’
t for Andy, probably never. He will never get past this.”

“He has to!” she said feeling frustrated, and sad.

“
I know honey, but he can
’
t.”

“
God…” she put her head down on the table,
“
What am I gonna do?”

“
Well, for starters, tell me what you like
, what you
don’
t
like,
and ready yourself. He is anxious and wants to get this out quick. It’s still part of that healing process. Andy needs this, Beth.”

“
I lik
ed it all, not one thing I didn’
t think was good.”

“I know. I believe it’
s his best work ever. Maybe wearing his heart on his sleeve makes him better, if that is even possible.” They were quiet for a minute and then Roddy asked, “Now, what about you?”

“
What about me?” she asked, dreading where the conversation was going.

“
He wants to see you Beth.”

“
I know, but, no,” she said flatly, no emotion, no excitement, just ‘no’.
“I can’
t do it. I could barely breathe when I saw him the other night. It st
ill hurts so much, Roddy. I don’
t know if I can do it again. Every time something happened it hurt more, and each time it took longer for me to come back. I know what he went through, I went through it, too.”

“
I know. I’ve traveled that road with you. I’ve traveled it with him, too. I
’
m just telling you what I know.” He paused,
“
Have dinner with him, talk.”

“
Oh sure and be fodder for the tabloids all over again!” She laughed sarcastically,
“
I think not, my friend!”

“
Neutral turf,” he suggested. “Just think about it.”

“
Oh Roddy, I just…”

“Dinner Beth, you don’
t have to take him home with you.”

“
I
’
ll call you tomorrow. For now, release it, all of it! Oh my-gosh, it’s just awesome,” Beth finally admitted.

“That’s my girl,” he said. “I love you.”

“I love you more.”

She hung up and made another call, to Kimmy.
“
Hang on! Jenna, sweetie put that down,” Beth heard her say when she realized who it was.

“If you’
re busy I can call you later.”

“
Nope,
just gotta get her settled; she’
s into everything
today!” A pause and then; “What’
s up, you’re sounding blue and I know that means something to do with Andy.”

Beth laughed,
“How’
d you know?”

“Uh, hold on, I’
m looking at the freckles on the back of my hand, I know you that well! Talk, Jenna is fine now. I have a few minutes, so spill. Tell Dr. Kimmy what
’
s on your mind!” She laughed and Beth knew how blessed she was that Kimmy was her friend.

The tears came easily as Beth told her about his appearance at the auction. Kimmy and Lane had other obligations and were unable to attend. Beth told her about the phone call, the album, about Andy.

“
OK, so what do you want to hear from me? I
’
ll say whatever you want, just tell me what you want,” Kimmy replied with a flip tone.

Beth barked sarcastically,
“
What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“
Listen, you already know the answer, right?” Beth heard her take a sip of what she knew was coffee.
“
There are only two possibilities; you either see him or you don
’
t.”

“
But…”

“
Don
’
t ‘but’ me, I
’
m not
finished,” she said curtly. “It
’
s you. It
’
s your heart. You have to do what you feel in your heart.”

“
I don’t know what the hell to do,” Beth shouted.
“
That
’
s why I called you!”

“No, you knew you’
d get it straight from the hip with me,” Kimmy said. “You also know what you want and that’s why you called me. Reassurance, comfort, all that crap.”

“I’m scared!”

“
And you should be,
but you want to see him, or you’d have just said ‘no’ and we wouldn’
t even be having this conversation. You wouldn
’
t have even brought it up with me.” Another sip of coffee, “You still love him,” she said, knowing it was fact.

“
I
’
ll always love him, Kimmy, and you know it.” Hearing those words made Beth feel even sadder.

“
Right, but you don’t know if you can be in love with him because of your past. So go, have dinner, see what happens and move on.” She said it with such ease, but Beth knew Kimmy understood the turmoil she felt.

“
For crap sake, why doesn’t he move on?” Beth wanted to know.

“
Because he
knows
, honey, he
knows
he’
s still in love with you.”

“
So much past, Kimmy. So much hurt,” Beth mumbled.

“
Go!” Kimmy interrupted,
“
Have dinner. Talk, laugh, hell, drink!” She said with easy laughter.
“
Don
’
t make a big deal of it. It
’
s a meal - you go out to dinner all the time.” She was trying to keep it light.

“
Yeah, but this is Andy.”

“
Which brings me to another thought dear friend…?”

“
Yeah?”

“
Maybe what you need is a good tumble in the sheets; been too long for you…”

“Kimmy!” Beth shrieked.

“
Gotta go get Jenna, love you!” And with that she was gone.

Beth waited until Tuesday afternoon to call Roddy. Sleep surely was not part of that time. She knew how to reach Andy. His number had been on speed dial in her phone forever. But she asked where he was, and being the good friend he was Roddy didn’t comment, or question. He told her Andy was still in town, told her he loved her, and was gone.

October 6, 1993 ~ I waited a really long time before I dialed. I paced. I wrung my hands. I prayed. I questioned every thought that went through my brain, so unsure of myself. But even more questioning of the whole situation, I was truly terrified. Was
I doing the right thing? Was I subjecting my heart to that pain all over again? I wondered what my family would think… A
ll those thoughts ran rampant…

She dialed many times, but hung up before it rang. “
What am I doing?”
she kept asking herself, sometimes it was a scream. Finally, she dialed and let it go through and it rang.

He answered.
“
Hey, it
’
s me,” she said as soon as she heard the connection.

“I hoped it would be,” he said easily. There was pleasure in his voice and it made her smile.

“How long will you be in town?” she asked and thanked God that he couldn’t see her hands trembling.

“As long as you want me to,” he said. “Do you want me to stay, Bethy?” There was a tease in his question.

“I was thinking we might have dinner, Friday,” she mumbled, “if you’ll still be here.”

“I’ll still be here, if you want me to. Do you want to go somewhere?”

“No, not out,” she answered quickly. “Just come here, to the condo.”

“It’ll be OK Bethy, don’t be nervous. It’ll be fine, nice…  I’ll bring the wine.” And then he blew a kiss into the phone as he hung up. He didn’t stay on the line long. Maybe he was afraid she would change her mind.

She
tried to work that week. She did so mostly from home, because she was a mess. On Friday, as she prepared for his visit, it felt almost natural, almost, but there was also much apprehension. She looked around. Everything at her home was ready. But she had to stop, remind herself that it was her home, and that he would be a guest. There were things there from their life together. How would he feel? But she really wondered how she would feel.

She was thirty-eight years old. Andy would be forty-four in a few days. It was the nerves of a first date all over again. She had dinner almost ready, and suddenly she began to panic. She felt the urge to call and tell him not to come. Her heart screamed,
‘
just open the door and run like hell!
’

She paced, feeling the sting of tears burning her eyes as she did. She could feel her heart pound in her chest so hard that it almost hurt. She
felt
terrified, but
it was
dread
iced with anxiousness;
all those old feelings intertwined with the new. The knock at the door brought reality forefront, and her heart pounded even harder.

“
Hey, come on in,” she said as she opened the door.

“
Smells good.” He smiled as he breezed past her,
“
dinner too,” he smiled. He went to the kitchen, opening the drawer he pulled out a corkscrew.

October 10, 1993 ~ My mind raced
…
Deep breath… regain composure… I closed my eyes and prayed…
I didn
’
t want to appear the mess that I felt like. I watched him as he opened the wine, of course he knew where everything was, he
’
d gotten it so many times before. My heart ached with fear and memories all jumbled into a mess of emotions. It felt like a familiar routine, but it wasn
’
t anymore.