Rock and Roll Never Forgets (The Rock and Roll Trilogy) (27 page)

Please don
’
t call. It
’
s just too hard, too emotional. I need to move on, without you now. I will love you; always love you, forever… But I can
’
t live this life that you chose. I can
’
t ask you to change it because it is who you are, and though you will say that you could, later you would resent it, and in the end you would resent me. I couldn
’
t deal with that.

You have your passion. I know how you feel about your music. I know how it makes me feel. It
’
s your reward, your life. I have to find that in my life. I have to find my passion
.

And so, with that, I will leave you with my heart, my soul, my love.

Your Bethy

~ ~ ~

It broke h
er Pops’
s
heart
.
He had watched her grow, and learn, and hurt over the years. He tried to step back when he needed to and let her fall, but he was always close enough to pick her up if she needed. He was always there, waiting. She only had to ask, and to assure her strength, he made her ask. Most times she picked herself up and moved past whatever it was, but there were those times when he struggled because he wanted to help her, but she didn’t ask. He wanted her to ask this time so she could heal and move on, but she didn’t and he felt helpless.

~ ~ ~

Beth had been on an emotional roller coaster for so many years. Kimmy had been on that ride with her. She laughed when Beth laughed, cried when she cried, shared her highs and lows. She had been through all of it with her, because she loved her. That’s what friends do.

Kimmy knew that Andy Stevens was absolutely the love of Beth’s life, but she watched, yet again, as Beth grieved. And she grieved as in mourning. Beth clung to that life for so long that at times Kimmy wondered if she would recover, but she knew Beth’s strength and resolve. Kimmy knew she would bounce back. She prayed that she would find peace without Andy, but wondered, as well, if that was even possible
.

Kimmy prayed that all of Beth’s insecurities would vanish and that she would flourish as she once had, with the confidence and grace that they had all seen in Beth before. And Beth did recover. She found her place in the world, her world, without Andy Stevens.

~ ~ ~

In June
,
the
Cancer Foundation
contacted her. Her job was still open and they wanted her back, so she went. The good thing was the notoriety, the curiosity. That was a plus in getting many things done, fundraisers and
such
. Everyone knew who she was, but that part of her life was not an option for conversation. Not with anyone, at any time, ever…

Andy finally began the tour and she knew it was successful. She heard small bits about how it was going, but she tried not to get caught up in it. She and Roddy spoke often. There were times he would tell her that Andy asked him to get her in touch with him. Beth continued to say no, she couldn’t. She broke once when Roddy called with news that Phyllis had passed away.

Beth thought long and hard, but called Andy because she knew what Phyllis meant to him. She called because she knew what she meant to her.

September 9, 1994 ~
When Andy answered, there was a thud.
‘
Was it his heart or mine?
’
I wondered. He sounded so sad, so tired. “Bethy… I
’
m glad to hear from you.” And his words made me cry.

“It was quick. She didn
’
t suffer.” He explained it like he needed to comfort me, and then he was quiet for a minute. “I was in town. That was a blessing, but I wasn
’
t with her. She was alone,” and then he cried.

I know how hard that was. It
’
s a pain that you can
’
t describe. It brought back the memories of the loss of Nana and him not being there. He asked if I would come, but I couldn
’
t. He pleaded and told me how much Phyllis loved me. And I remembered how much I loved her, but I couldn
’
t go. I just couldn
’
t. There was too much at stake… my heart…

“Beth
y
, please. I need you. I want you…” he cried.

“Andy, please don
’
t. I just can
’
t. I can
’
t come back. Kimmy and Lane will be there, with Roddy. You will have the support you need to get through this. But I can
’
t come. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers,” and I thought,
‘
my heart.
’

“Beth
y
…” he pleaded, and it broke my heart, but I couldn
’
t go there to be strong for him.

“I have to go now. Andy, I am so very sorry.”

“Bethy,” but I hung up before he could say any more.

~ ~ ~

At Christmas time in 1994, a package came via courier, it was a
CD
. Roddy sent it. He told her it was coming. “Powerful stuff,” he told her.

She listened and she hurt. It was so emotional. From his heart, she heard Andy sing; “Love Me Like That Again”
,
a beautiful song about lost love, and she cried
.

Love me like that again

Why can
’
t we go
back

To the way it was before

I wanna hold you, feel you,

Always be near you

It had been
more than
six months since she left and this was the first time she had really cried for him in a long time. She almost gave in to give him a call and tell him how beautiful it was. But she knew the consequences and she couldn’t.

185

Rock and Roll Never Forgets

Chapter Twenty
~
Two

B
eth
’
s life was on a forward path. It had to be that way. No matter how hard it was to leave her past behind, she had to keep
forward motion. She kept busy, immersing herself in work. It was an emotional outlet, but it kept her time occupied as well. Her work with the
Cancer Foundation
saved her.

Soon after she returned to work, she met John Oliver. She had met him many years before at a work function. He was now the Chief Operating Officer for an electronics firm that she worked closely with in the past, and he was on the board of directors for the
Cancer Foundation
.
They worked together on several events and became fast friends.

~ ~ ~

John remembered meeting Beth in 1979. The two of them had spoken on the phone many times over work related items. He loved her wit so much that he would make excuses to call just to engage her. He knew when he met her that he would never forget her, but he knew her story, everyone did. She was ‘Andy Steven’s girl’. After she left he followed her through the tabloids and was sad for her trials.

John was a man married to his work. He dated through the years but never married. He, too, was passionate for the
Cancer Foundation
, and when he bumped into her at a board meeting one evening he was happy to see her again. He felt like he’d been waiting for her all these years.

John learned patience with Beth. She was never willing to put herself totally out there, cautious from her
earlier
relationship, so he waited. Coffee dates filled with conversation turned into dinner dates. They discovered that they had much in common. Friendship turned into a relationship and they were good together.

He
learned to deal with ‘who she was’. She was often recognized, ‘Weren’t you…?’ ‘Andy’s girlfriend…’ ‘I know you, right,
’
‘
Oh yeah
,
Andy Stevens!
’
He heard those comments often, and marveled at Beth’s grace in response
.

John was the total opposite of Andy; there couldn’t have been a greater contrast.
Quiet and
reserved,
he was
conservative, and handsome in a clean-cut ‘suit’ way. He was great at conversation, something Beth missed. There was a natural progression as time passed. It was quiet. It was private. It was just the two them. If there was a disagreement
,
it was private, not headlines in a magazine. It was a normal relationship.

He
knew about Andy.
He knew there was, and would probably always be, a place in her hear that Andy would never really leave.
As their relationship progressed
they
discussed
it
many times, at length. They had to
,
it was necessary. She told John there would always be a place in her heart that belonged to Andy, that she would always love him. John understood, and they moved on. Theirs grew into a beautiful relationship. They loved each other, but she did not ‘fall in love’ with John. He was a friend, who became her lover, and then her partner. They shared a great deal together, and when he asked her to marry him she said yes
.

She called Roddy to share the news. He
’
d met John, and he was happy for them. And then she called Andy. She wanted him to hear it from her, not Roddy, not anyone else.

“Bethy,” he said, when he realized who it was. There was excitement in his voice, but Beth got right to the point.

“
I wanted you to hear this from me. Not Roddy, not anyone else. Me.” There was a pause. It became long and uncomfortable. And finally she said it; “I
’
m getting married.”

Andy was quiet at first. It felt
as though someone sucker-punched him and
knocked
the wind
out of him.

Did he think I would not move on, live my life and all that it meant to live? I
’
m sure he knew I was seeing someone; sure Roddy had quietly shared that with him.

Finally he took a deep breath; a sigh, and then he said,
“
I
’
m happy for you Bethy.”

But he didn’t sound happy. There was another long pause, and it was Beth who spoke.
“
I hope so Andy; I want you to be
happy for me
. I want you to understand that this is what I want in my life, what I need, what I’ve needed all along.”

“
You could have had it with me,” his voice wavered.

“
Andy
…
” was it hurt or exasperation that she felt, she wasn’t sure. “You never asked, never hinted. Fifteen years and you never hinted that it was even a possibility. It
’
s beyond that now.”

“
You should have told me that was what you wanted, Bethy,” he said sadly.

“
You should have wanted it enough to know that it’s a natural progression when two people love each other!” she told him, trying not to sound hurt. “I would
never
have told you that. You would have felt pushed, trapped. That’s not me Andy.”

“Do you love him Bethy?” he asked. And then quickly rephrased;
“
Are you in love with him?”

“
I love him enough to want to share my life with him and that is what he wants with me.” She thought for a moment
, and finally said,
“
Yes
. Yes,
I guess I am in love with him.”

“
Then I wish you the best. Be happy,” he said, and hung up. He was gone. They were over, for good this time. That very long chapter in her life closed.

Feb
ruary 199
6
~
When I called it wasn
’
t the same as any time in the past. There wasn
’
t the warmth, or that old familiarity. There was only a conversation that seemed necessary between two people. It was sad. I wanted him to understand, but all he felt was hurt. I wanted him to be happy for me, but he was only sad for his own loss.

~ ~ ~

On a beautiful, sunny, cool Saturday in April 1996, Pops walked Beth down the aisle. She was thirty-nine years old and he probably never thought he would get the chance. It couldn’t have been a more perfect day. The ceremony was very small and private at an old chapel on the beach. Just John and Beth, their families and a few close friends attended. The list of guests from Beth’s previous life was short: Roddy and Vince, Mark and Anna, Dina, Nathan and Megan. She loved them, and wanted them to share this special time. How could she not, for so many years, they were her family.

Kimmy was the Matron of Honor, and Jenna was the Junior Bride and she loved every second. John
’
s dad stood up with him. It was a short and very simple service. Beth wore an off-white, lace, tea-length dress that her mom made. She added Nana’s pearls and carried white roses. Her mom was at the sewing machine with Beth, Kimmy and Jenna for days in preparation. She made Jenna and Kimmy’s dresses
,
too. Jenna
’
s dress was a miniature version of Beth’s. Kimmy’s was peach and very similar. John’s favorite white roses decorated the alter, not the Calla Lilies that Beth hid away in her memory because Andy knew they were her favorites. John had always chosen roses for her
.

After the ceremony there was a small reception at the home of a friend of John
’
s who had a large place on the beach. The gathering was small, very simple, but very intimate and elegant. Vince took care of all the food, calling caterers and picking a menu, one less thing for Beth to fuss with
.

“
Beth, you are so beautiful.” Roddy took her hands in his, pulling her into his embrace he whispered,
“
Always beautiful, but today you glow.” She was so glad he was there. He had always been there. She couldn’t imagine her life without him
.

He held her for a moment. She knew his thoughts. For a minute she held her breath, quite afraid to breathe.
“Aren
’
t brides supposed to glow?
” she asked finally, and kissed his cheek.

John walked to where they stood. Roddy shook his hand and congratulated him.
“
A true prize,” he said.

John pulled her closer, his prize now. “I know. I did come out a winner, didn
’
t I?
”
he laughed.

~ ~ ~

John and Beth began their life together and they were happy. It was a life built on love and trust, stability and security. It was all
Beth
ever really needed or wanted. They joined pieces of their lives together, and made a home. She left her past behind
, sold t
he condo sold
, and many pieces of her past as well. She packed memories away
to make it a clean slate, a whole new path.

It was a quiet simple life and Beth liked it that way just fine. Very seldom did Andy come into her thoughts. Sometimes something would remind her, but it wasn’t really sadness that she felt any more. It was usually a beautiful memory. There were times when a hurt would return, but for the most part they were much less painful as time passed.

There were those moments though…  Driving home one day listening to the radio, something happened that took her breath away. She had to pull off the road. Roddy had always sent a
copy
of every song that Andy was working on in advance. He didn’t send them for approval; he sent them so that she knew, so that she wasn’t caught off guard. It had been a busy time, and one slipped away. Listening to the radio, hearing his voice she cried. The words gave her heart a jolt she hadn’t felt in a very long time.

To you I come for comfort

You embrace me, warm me

To you I come for peace

You hold me, calm me

To you I come

Always with you in my heart

In my soul

You are my life

It was so beautiful. The rocker in him had grown into a balladeer and it was beautiful. When she heard the words, her first thought was that he had finally moved on, and it was sad. But as she listened, really listened, longer, and harder, she knew. Later she would hear these words and others speak of them, speculation that he had found someone new. But Beth knew. She knew where the comfort came from. She knew where he found that peace. She knew his heart and soul. It wasn’t a woman he sang of. The warmth and the calm were his voice, his music, and his solace.

And she knew then that he would never
really
be gone from her heart.

That beautiful song earned Andy another Grammy nod, and the statue to go with it.

~ ~ ~

January 1997 brought the first real challenge. It was Roddy
’
s sixtieth birthday and Vince was having a huge bash to celebrate the occasion. Beth
felt
torn like she couldn
’
t imagine. She knew Andy would be there, but how could she not go? She and Kimmy talked about it, she and Lane were going. Beth would have a good support system, so they went. Vince made all the arrangements. Kimmy and Lane, and John and Beth would stay at the hotel in Corpus Christi where the bash would be held. She hadn’t returned there in a very long time.

When she arrived, emotions overwhelmed her like she never imagined, and she had to hide them from John. Just being in the airport rattled her… Once at the hotel, Beth found every reason she could think of to stay in the room. Headache… tired… jet lag…  Finally it was time. She couldn’t put it off any longer. They dressed for the party and made their way to the ballroom. A quick span of the room told her that Andy was not there, yet. Maybe he had decided not to come, but she doubted that
.

Everything was so festive, balloons, music and then suddenly, without even seeing him, she felt the heat on her face as it began to burn crimson red.

How can that still happen?

She knew he was there, someplace, watching her, and she tried to prepare herself. John was on the other side of the room chatting with Nathan, and Kimmy had just left her. For that brief moment, she was alone.