Rock and Roll Never Forgets (The Rock and Roll Trilogy) (29 page)

John left her there alone. He didn’t want to, but he finally conceded. The light in the room was very dim. There was a gray hue that shone on everything as her mind raced ninety miles an hour. Gray seemed an appropriate color at that moment. She was sure that the readings on her blood pressure and heart rate must have been going crazy. She tried to gather her thoughts, her courage. She had to try to face that devil called cancer
,
head on. But everything seemed so jumbled up, so she prayed.

After a while her mom came into the room. She told Beth that Pops was having a hard time and wanted to get settled before he came in. She knew what that meant. Her mind went back to that place in time, she watched him when he lost his mother, and she saw it again when Pappy passed away. He didn
’
t want to cry in front of her. He didn’t want to appear weak. He wanted to be strong for his ‘baby girl.’

“
We
’
ll get through this,” her mom whispered
.

My mom, so strong… Always there, always strong…

“
I know you will,” Beth replied.

“
We
will,” Liz, corrected her.

“
Mom?”

“
Beth, don
’
t. There are so many things.”

Beth interrupted her, “I need to, Mom. John and I talked with Dr. Sampson briefly, seems it
’
s pretty far along. He wants me to see an oncologist, but he doesn
’
t think any of those things will help, I can tell. It must be pretty bad. I’ve seen that in what I do. If the Dr. gave any kind of indication that it would help I’d consider any of it, but he didn
’
t, so I know, and I don
’
t think I
’
m ready or willing to go through all that. I need to be me, to be whole for Carlee as long as I can. I don
’
t want to be sick and tired from chemo. I don
’
t want my hair to fall out. I don’t want her to remember me that way. I just want to be there for her as long as I can.”

She got quiet, trying to gather her thoughts, “I want to tell you something.”

“
I already know, honey,” Liz stopped her, placing two fingers to her lips to do so.

Beth took her hand, so soft, so comforting and all those times she had held it in the past came bac
k in a flash.
“
Do you Mom?
” she asked
.
“
Do you really?”

Such a wise woman, my mom…

“
Yes sweetheart, I know.” She paused, a long, thoughtful moment
.
“I know you and I know your heart. I know you are going to tell me you want Andy here.”

“
I do.” They sat quietly a while and Beth finally asked, “Is it wrong, Mom?” Liz caressed her daughter’s hand, but she didn’t say anything. It wasn’t necessary.

“Mom, I am so torn. John has to be OK with it. He is my life, but I can
’
t go through this without seeing Andy again.” She looked away, maybe ashamed,
“
So long,
”
she continued, still not facing her.
“
We were
‘
us
’
for so long.”

Liz held her, and together they cried.

~ ~ ~

Liz Morgan struggled with the news of Beth’s cancer. Any parent would. She couldn’t imagine losing a child.
‘
A parent should not outlive their children
’
she thought
.

They were more than mother and daughter. They were friends. When Beth was young they did everything together, with Kimmy. And now Liz wondered if her own love of the beach was to blame for this
.

She watched now as Beth struggled with her feelings. She loved John, Liz knew that, but she never quit loving Andy. Liz knew that, too. She said many prayers over the years that she and Andy would be OK. And every time he hurt her she prayed that Beth would recover. She never blamed Andy. She blamed that lifestyle. Beth needed and wanted; instead, she gave and gave
.

~ ~ ~

When Pops came in the room, he had a wan look, but he wasn
’
t crying any more.
“
Hello baby girl,” he leaned and kissed her.
“
How ya doin
’
?”

Beth took his hand, squeezed it.
“
Not too bad. My back hurts the most, I think, lying on my side.” He walked around the bed, sat on the edge and began to rub her back, with a soft, loving caress. It made him feel like he was doing something important, and it was easier for him to be where he didn’t have to face her. This way he could hide his own fears. When he wasn
’
t rubbing her back, he gently stroked her hair, such a tender gesture from those strong hands.

“
Pops, I need you to go be with Carlee. The two of you,” she said looking at Liz. “Give Tom and Evelyn a break, I
’
m sure they will want to come here for a while. It
’
ll be good for you to get away, and good for Carlee to be with you for a while. I
’
m sure she is wondering about all of this. She needs as much ‘normal’ right now as we can give her.”

“John asked if they could bring her in to see me, but I said no. I think the hospital would allow it, but I don
’
t want her to see all of this
,
” Beth sai
d motioning to the pumps and IV
s. “It might scare her. Hopefully I
’
ll be home soon and she can adjust there.”

“
Pops…”

“
Yeah?”

“
I love you.”

“
I love you, too, baby girl.” He exited the room quickly. She knew he was crying.

“The boys want to come see you,” her mom said finally, referring to her brothers.

“I want to see them. Tell them to come.”

“We
’
ll get through this,”
her mom
said again. She left a few minutes later
. S
hortly after
that
Kimmy came in. She was quiet. Beth knew she
’
d been crying
.

“
Kimmy, please!
”
Beth said,
“
Not from you! I need your strength, your vitality! I
’
m OK. Really, I am. I’m not giving up, but I know what’s going on and I am OK.”

Kimmy bent and kissed Beth’s cheek. And the tears came.

“
Stop, I need you, listen to me,” Beth pleaded. Kimmy took her hand and sat in the chair so that they were facing each other.
“
I have something important to ask you.” She listened intently, like what Beth was about to say was more important than anything she had ever heard. “This is a really big deal, my friend.”

“Anything Beth, you know that, anything.” 

“
I’m kinda hungry, go get me a diet Coke and a bag of chips, will ya? Real chips, not any of that diet crap, the yellow bag chips, but a diet Coke, OK?”

She laughed at the request, and it was exactly what they both needed.

“
OK, now that I have the Kimmy I love here and not the one who was sweeping the floor with her bottom lip I have to tell you, you
’
re gonna be awful popular around here for the next little while and probably past that. You
’
ll be needed like you never dreamed. Are you up for the challenge?”

One word, “Anything,” she said again.

“Have you called Roddy?”

“
It
’
s taken care of,” she replied.

“
Thank you.” Beth looked away to blink back her own tears.

“
John will need you and Jenna to help with Carlee. Jenna is old enough to understand this, Carlee won
’
t.”

“
You know she
’
ll be taken care of. She
’
s like my own,” Kimmy assured her.

“
That
’
s what I needed to hear. Mom and Pops…” Beth had to pause a minute. “Kimmy, Pops is having a really hard time. Stay around; they are your family too.”

“
I know.”

“
Now, go to the house,
please
; t
ake Mom and Pops and keep them busy. Get them out of here. They need the distraction. Get things situated there, I
’
m gonna beg to bust outta this place as soon as they will entertain the idea. If I have to lie around I can do that at home.”

“
Whatever you need.”

“
Thank you, now go.” Kimmy rose and Beth squeezed her hand. Kimmy started to well up again. “Hey, wait. There’s one more thing,” Beth blurted.

She turned back to see what it was that Beth would ask of her. Had she asked her to move mountains, she would have tried, so Beth knew she had to make it light. She walked back toward the bed and Beth pulled her close,

“Bring tweezers when you come back. My eyebrows are in bad shape,” she whispered. Another laugh and Kimmy was out the door.

Beth lay back for a while, tried to get comfortable. Suddenly she was very tired, and she dozed
.

203

Rock and Roll Never Forgets

Chapter Twenty
~
Four

I
t was early morning when she awoke, and it was Andy who was at her bedside. She truly believed she was dreaming. John was across the room in a chair and Andy was at her bedside
.

Seeing her eyes flutter
he
took her hand and a flood of memories washed over her. She could remember the feel of the first time he held it. She could taste that first kiss a million lifetimes ago. With time and age Andy had developed fullness about him, his face and his stature, that made him only more beautiful to her. It felt like that first glimpse of him all over again.

“
Hey beautiful,” he leaned and kissed her forehead.

“
Yeah, right,” she laughed. “When did you get here?” She wiped sleep from her eyes and rustled through her hair with her fingertips.

“
I left as soon as I got the call.”

She looked to John as he rose from the chair, her wonderful friend and partner,
“
I
’
ll let the two of you have some time,” he said and turned to go.

“
John…”
h
e turned back toward her
when she said it
.
“
I love you.”

“
I know sweetheart, I love you, too.” He went to the bedside, squeezed her hand and kissed her cheek. “I’ll be back in a while. Make her behave Andy.”

“I’ll do it.”

~ ~ ~

Andy flew through the night to get there. He’d been in L.A. on business and Roddy had already started making arrangements as soon as he had spoken with John, before Andy even called him.

“She’ll need the people she loves around her. We need to help her through this.”
Andy heard John’s words again in his mind and he struggled for many reasons.

As the plane made its way east he tried to rest, but his mind wouldn’t allow it. He thought about all those trips to Eleuthera and her baking in the sun. He thought about the days by the pool in Corpus Christi and wondered if all that had anything to do with what she was going through
.

He thought about what was ahead of him and knew he would be losing her all over again and he didn’t know if he could deal with it. He would see her with her family and he didn’t know how he could handle that knowing the feelings he still had for her
.

But he went because he knew nothing could keep him away. He would do whatever he could to help as long as he
r family allowed
.

~ ~ ~

When he arrived
,
John met him at the hospital. He had the driver deliver Andy’s things to their home. His parents were there with Carlee. Beth was asleep so they went for coffee and John shared more about Beth’s condition, the results and prognosis
.

As John talked
,
Andy wondered if he could be that kind of man. Could he share the woman he loved with someone from her past?
John’s offer
overwhelmed him
.

They went to her room and she was still sleeping. She looked so tiny and frail, lying there swallowed by the pillows they used to prop her up, to keep her from rolling on the wound.

After
John left
,
Andy scooted the chair closer. He took Beth’s hand and brought it to his cheek. He just held it there. He couldn’t let go. Finally, he put his head down on the bed. It seemed a lifetime had passed, and in a way, it had
.

His fear was unmistakable. In spite of all the thoughts and fears Beth was dealing with, it was Andy who needed comforting. She gently stroked his head.

After a while she felt the need to say something, “I need some coffee, would you please?” He rose to get it. John had a carafe of coffee waiting; he knew she’d want some. Beth needed that moment to catch her breath
.

“
Half of the left cheek of my butt is missing,” she began, when he turned away, and she laughed.
“
I always said it was too big anyway. Good thing it was this cheek,” she joked. “If I had to lay any other way to sleep it
’
d be miserable. I wouldn
’
t be able to do it, and you know it.”

“
Beth, don
’
t.” He said it so softly; it was almost a whisper.

“
Oh hell, Andy, if I don
’
t laugh I
’
ll fall apart. There are so many thoughts, so many fears, so many plans that I don’t even know where to begin. They’ll do more tests to see,” she mumbled. “John asked about reconstructive surgery, but I could tell the doctor didn
’
t think it was something to even consider. It
’
s bad. I know it is.”

“
I know, Bethy. John told me everything. He was most gracious to let me come. He was very kind when he called.”

“
John called you,” she said, her surprise was clear.

“
Yeah, you didn’t know?” He looked back over his shoulder at her. “Roddy got him through, but it was important to him that he be the one to tell me. I called Roddy and he had already talked to John and kicked into adjusting my schedule and stuff. I flew out immediately, met John here early this morning. You were out of it so we went and had coffee. He
’
s a good man Beth.” He paused, as if to swallow back tears.
“
I’ve also talked to Kimmy and your mom. Roddy will be here later.”

“John called you,” she said again. It was a near inaudible mumble, but the thought that it was John and not Kimmy or Roddy that called Andy made him all the more dear to her. “I didn’t know.”

“Mmm hmm,” he came back with the coffee and she tried to sit up. He sat the cup down and tried to help her find a comfortable position. “Dina and Nathan want to come.”

“
Tell them to come on,” she said. She took a sip of the coffee that he had fixed exactly the way she liked it, too much cream and sweet
.

I
’
m a mess! Even that cup of coffee made me want to cry!

“Andy?” And finally she did begin to cry.

“
Don
’
t,” he reached and stroked her hair.

“
I have to tell you…”

“
Bethy, don
’
t,” he said again. “Not now. It can wait.”

“No, I have to, I need to.” He handed her a tissue and she wiped her eyes. “I need to tell you, you broke me. You tore my heart out, more than once, you know, and I still loved you. Still do, never stopped.” She told him as the tears flowed.

He started to speak but she held up a hand to stop him. She had more to say.

“
Let me finish, I have to finish. There
’
s this place in what little bit of my heart you left behind that belongs to you, just to you, always has from the time I first met you, always will, my first love. There was always room for my family, for Kimmy, for John when he came along, and Carlee, but you took over the biggest part. I tried to move you out of there, but nothing I did worked.
”

“I broke me, too, Bethy.” He brought her hand to his lips and she remembered that feeling. Then he turned it and kissed the palm, bringing it then to his cheek and holding it there.

“
Don
’
t misunderstand what I am saying. I love John and Carlee more than I can put into words. But I fell in love with you and never fell out. I tried. God knows I tried.” 

He looked at her and she saw those tears in his eyes, too.

“
Kimmy knows, my family knows, hell I think even Carlee knows. She goes to sleep at night listening to
Traveler
,” Beth laughed. “John knows. It
’
s no secret. He
’
s known all along. He accepts it and loves me anyway, in spite of it.
‘
The future…’ That’s what he always says, ‘He was your past. I
’
ll have the future.’ So much for that,” she mumbled.

“Stop,” he said and looked away; she knew it was to dry his eyes. She squeezed his hand.

“
Andy, look at me.” He turned back to face her, “I
’
m OK with this. It
’
s certainly not the path I would have chosen, but it
’
s the hand I’ve been dealt. It seems inevitable. They have told me there isn
’
t much they can do. It
’
s pretty much just a matter of time.”

She laid her head back and mumbled “I don
’
t know if I was dreaming or what but last night I kept hearing
“
Timeless
”
over and over and over in my head, she softly sang the words that were in her head.

We
’
re timeless, we
’
re unaffected by change, we
’
re eternal…

“I heard it over and over.” The pain meds were making her sleepy. “All the time, in my thoughts in my dreams, you just never go away.” She continued to mumble.

He no longer tried to hide it. He was still holding her hand and he put his head down on the bed beside her again and he cried. She stroked his head, to comfort him, to comfort her, too. The feel of his hair in her fingers made her cry as well.

John looked in. He saw the exchange between the two of them. He saw that love and it hurt him to the point that it was almost unbearable. He loved her more than life. To see her with Andy and know that she still felt that way for him was a pain he
’
d never felt before. He walked away to think.

Andy and Beth stayed like that for some time. Beth dozed, and later a nurse came
in to check her blood pressure,
replace the IV bags and such.
Andy moved the chair so the nurse could get to Beth.
Beth
saw the look, the recognition; she saw the question on the nurse’s face, sure that she
wonder
ed
why
he was
with her and not her husband, but
Beth
didn
’
t care.
He was there and that was all that mattered.

“
I
’
m not going to leave,” he said finally.

“
I knew you wouldn
’
t.”

“
I’m going to ask Kimmy to help me find a place to stay. Everything else is on hold.”

“
No,” she stopped to think a minute.

“
Oh yes, I
’
m staying right here
.
‘
No
’ is not an option.”

Beth knew he wouldn’t go, and worried about it, but really didn’t know if she cared. She wanted him there
.

“I need you to go for a while,” she said. She needed to think things through. She needed to gather all her thoughts and try to figure out what to do about them
.

“Go?” h
e
asked
, “
everything OK?”

“
I think so. I’ll see you later. Go.”

A short time later John came back in the room, sat down beside her, and took her hand.

“You really should get some rest,” he said. “Stop that brain churning and close your eyes and rest a while.”

“
Too much going on in there,” she said with a heavy sigh.

“
I know Beth.” He looked so sad. “I know,” he said again. “We have so much to talk about and take care of.”

“
I know. Who
’
da thunk it, hunh?”

“
Don
’
t joke.”

“
Oh, John, I have to or I
’
ll die.” He brought her hand to his cheek and held it there and the irony of those words made them both cry.

~ ~ ~

It was almost midnight when the hospital staff told John and Andy they had to leave, Beth needed to rest. John took Andy home with him and settled him into the guest room. It took little thought. He knew it was the right thing
.