Romance Book Club (13 page)

His mouth hung open for a few seconds, and he stood rooted to the spot in stunned silence.  What the hell was
she talking about?  She was the one who was looking for someone to fulfill her sexual cravings; he wanted more.  The woman obviously had no damn idea what she wanted. He marched after her, finally realizing she was leaving before they had a chance to discuss what happened tonight.

She didn't slow down her pace as she made her way back to the car.  What the hell had she been thinking? She derided herself. She wasn't the type of woman who could have casual sex with a man and be all right with it.  And what they'd done was even more than that.  What kind of sick, twisted mentality made a man want to dominate a woman and who was she that she'd actually enjoyed the perverse pleasure he'd shown her tonight? Opening her door angrily, she had one idea in mind: Get the hell out of here and never return again.

He grabbed her arm as she was about to get in the car, without thinking of anything other than not allowing her to leave this way.  "Jessie, we need to talk about what happened here tonight." He kept his voice calm, knowing that if he couldn't control his emotions, no rational conversation would be taking place.

Attempting to pull her arm out of his firm grasp, and failing, she felt her anger intensify.  "No, what I need is to get the hell away from you, Chase."  This wasn't her world, and he wasn't the man she wished he could be. She fought back tears and tugged on her arm again,
wanting to put as much space between them as humanly possible.

He wasn't relenting. She was not in any type of emotional state to drive home safely.  If she didn't want to discuss what had happened like a rational adult, he was at least driving her home.  Pulling her away from the door, he closed it and took the keys she was holding in her other hand.  "If you don't want to talk, then get in my car.  I'm taking you home.”

"Screw you, Chase. Give me my damn keys and let me leave."  She was beyond rational thinking at the moment, and just wanted to get away from him so she could think.  Tears trickled down her cheeks and she angrily swiped them away with the back of her hand. 

What the hell was going on here? There was no doubt in his mind that she was not thinking clearly and he sure as hell wasn't giving her keys to a car at the moment.  "If you'll stop acting like a child for a moment and calm down, I'll get you home safely." 

"You are such a domineering prick," she all but screamed, wanting her keys back and wishing she had the nerve to slap his face for being so unfeeling. 

Floored at the anger in his words, he released her arm.  "Obviously I'm missing something here, because I thought we enjoyed each other tonight."  Wasn't that what she'd wanted? He was confused.

Rolling her eyes, she stalked over to his car, shaking her head.  How could any man be so dense? "Just take me home since you've obviously confiscated my car for the night."  She didn't want to talk to him. She wanted to lock herself in her safe little world and forget he ever existed. 

He didn't argue with her as she slid into the passenger seat of his car.  Turning over the ignition, he gripped the steering wheel tightly, forcing himself not to demand she give him some explanation for her strange behavior.  She stared out the window for the entire ride back to her apartment, and he wanted to take her over his knee for being so damn stubborn.   Before he pulled up in front of her complex, he made one last comment.  "When you've calmed down Jessie, we should talk about why you're so angry." 

Keeping her head turned from him, she waited until he stopped the car to respond, then said, "Go to hell, Chase." Sliding out of the vehicle, she all but ran to her apartment.  Then she realized she didn't even have her keys to let herself in.

Taking a frustrated breath, he walked to her door, and held out the keys to her.  She snatched them from his hands without once glancing his way.  As the door slammed in his face, he turned back around and decided that whatever the hell was going through that mind of hers would have to wait until she was willing to be reasonable again.

chapter fourteen

Woman's Thoughts

He made it to work with his mind still on last night.  But he forced himself to push thoughts of Jessie to the back of his mind for the morning. There were a million things to do.  The club had been a vacation compared to running his father’s business.  At lunch, he left a message for Jessie to call him so they could talk, but he had little time to check his service in the afternoon, as dozens of employees bombarded his office, worried about their employment status now that his father was no longer in charge.

By six that evening he was ready for some down time, and his head was pounding with thoughts of issues raised at the staff meeting.  He'd been away from this for a few years, so catching up and proving his leadership skills was going to be a challenge.  When he finally had
a minute to himself, he listened to his voice mail, and was disappointed she hadn't returned his call.

He knew letting her cool down before he attempted contact again was the smart thing to do.  Carolyn had invited him for drinks tonight, and he considered cancelling since his stress level was so high, but then decided he couldn't do that after everything she'd done for him lately.

After grabbing his suit jacket from his chair, he made his way over to her house, hoping she'd understand when he begged off early to get some much needed rest.  He certainly hadn't slept last night after the insanity with Jessie.  Even his dreams had been filled with the raven-haired beauty. 

"You look like hell, Chase," Carolyn said, letting him in. 

"Corporate life." He forced a grin as he walked with her to the den, familiar enough with her home to know his own way.

After pouring him a scotch and water on the rocks, she walked over, handed it to him, before moving back to the bar to fix a martini.  "Want to talk about it?"

She joined him on the couch, and he tried to decide if he wanted to bring up the subject.  They'd always been upfront with each other, and the only reason he was concerned now was because he wasn't sure what to say. For a man who prided himself on self-discipline, he was floundering lately.

He took a healthy drink of his scotch, and she raised a questioning brow.  "I know it's still new, Chase, but your father's passing will get easier." 

"Dad lived a good life before that illness found him, Carolyn, and I'm coming to peace with that.  It's Jessie I just don't understand."  He shouldn't be burdening her with his problems, but she was one of the few people in his life he could talk to.

"What happened? I know you were trying to get in touch with her." 

"Honestly, I have no idea what's going on in that woman's mind.  We had some great nights together and then she disappeared for a week, and when she came back, I'd already accepted that she was just looking for a little sexual adventure.  I gave her a great night in the dungeon and after our fun, well; she acted like I'd taken advantage of her."  He still didn't understand why she was so angry, and since she hadn't returned his call, he wasn't sure he ever would.

Sitting back on the couch, her mouth fell open.  "Let me get this straight, you think Jessie just wanted casual sex?"

"That's the impression I got, yes."  Shrugging his shoulders, he took a deep sip of his scotch.

Shaking her head, she laughed disbelievingly.  "That doesn't really fit the impression Amanda gave me about
Jessie.  To be honest I thought she was still a virgin.  Something isn't adding up."

Taking another sip of his scotch, he explained their few nights together, knowing Carolyn wasn't the type of person to repeat what they discussed here.  He didn't leave out details. They'd discussed their relationships in the past; there were few secrets between them.

"So let me get this straight.  This woman was a virgin and had all this emotional crap in her past because of a boyfriend who finally admitted his true nature, and you thought it was all about sex for her?"  Shaking her head she gave him a look that spoke volumes.

When she put it that way, it didn't make sense to him either, and he wondered if he'd completely misjudged the feelings Jessie had for him.  "You don't think this was about sex at all, do you?"  He really didn't need for her to admit he'd been a dumb-ass.  When he thought about the night more carefully, he realized only a blind fool would have not understood what had happened.

"I love you as a friend and admire you as a dominant, but Chase, at the moment you need your ass kicked for not being more observant."  Lifting her lip in a sneer, she chided him.  "It doesn't take a genius to figure out a woman doesn't wait all that time to give it up to a man she doesn't at least feel something for." 

He didn't know much about how women felt about their first experiences. Virgins weren't exactly com
monplace in his world of sexual pleasures, but what Carolyn was saying made perfect sense.  "So you're telling me I've been a complete ass and should crawl over to her place on my hands and knees and beg her forgiveness?"  That thought may have bothered him if it had been anyone other than Jessie.

"It's not my place to tell you what you should do, but if nothing else, you should apologize for not taking the time to understand her better.  That's really not like you, Chase. I've seen how compassionate you are with submissive's.  Hell, my slaves would love to have me so concerned with their needs."  She chuckled

"I'll be honest, Carolyn, I haven't thought clearly since the night I first met her.  You know me. I care for the people I play with, but I've never felt anything with anyone like this before.  With Jessie, I find myself unable to concentrate at all."

"It sounds to me like you've fallen in love." Laughing softly, she sipped on her martini and watched his expression.

The moment she said the word love, everything seemed to fall in place.  He was acting like a man in love, he thought, and it shocked him to his very core.  Jealous, possessive, wanting to stake his claim--any creature in nature reacted the same way when it took a mate.  Throwing his head back, he chuckled deeply. 

Carolyn joined in his laughter.  "You know this is what makes females the superior race right?  The ability to understand emotions. You men may never get that one."  She elbowed him, looking superior.

"Understanding emotions and being able to restrain them when needed are two separate things," he joked back, knowing that statement always got her ire up.  "This makes the male more superior because we can temper our emotions when dealing with situations that require a clear head."  He smirked, but was more than impressed at how easily she understood what he was feeling when he himself hadn't been able to come to a resolution.

Rolling her eyes, she guffawed.  "Keep telling yourself that, Chase, especially while you're eating crow apologizing to Jessie."  Smirking in superiority.

Joking aside, he wasn't sure Jessie would forgive him for the stupidity he'd shown in not understanding her feelings.  That thought sobered him immediately.  "How am I going to make this up to her?"

"From what you've told me, she's already got a wealth of issues outside of this, Chase. All I can suggest is you tell her how you truly feel and see how she responds." 

Jessie had needed someone to show her there was more to a relationship than heartbreak, and he'd failed miserably.  He wasn't even sure if he deserved her forgiveness, but that didn't mean he was willing to give up without trying.  "Well, if nothing else, I can at least let her know it was way more to me than just a booty call."  How he'd been so blind was beyond him.

"That's definitely a start," Carolyn agreed. 

They enjoyed the rest of their evening, catching up on what was going on at the club, and Chase explained his trials with managing the new company.  It was nice to have a female as a friend who expected nothing but friendship.  Before he'd met Carolyn, he hadn't even thought such a relationship was possible.  When he made it home that evening, he fell asleep thinking of ways that he could make up for what a complete ass he'd been to Jessie.

chapter fifteen

Baby Steps

Ignoring the calls from Chase over the next few days was much easier said than done.  She'd listened to his sexy voice asking for a chance to apologize several times, and had almost given in.  But knowing where any conversation with him would lead, she refused to let herself fall into that trap.  Seeing Greg, on the other hand, who’d called out of the blue and invited her to lunch, was something she felt she couldn't avoid.

She hadn't heard from him in so long, and it was amazing that the sense of pain she used to feel when they talked was no longer there.  She dressed in a pair of worn jeans and a comfortable t-shirt since they were just going to an outdoor cafe, but she did take the time to fix her hair and makeup, wanting to look her best.

He still looked as handsome as ever, she thought as she walked up on the sidewalk.  Smiling warmly, she said, "It's good to see you again, Greg."  She meant it. He'd been her friend more than her boyfriend.

"You look incredible, Jessie." He pulled her into a hug.

Hugging him back, she felt at this point in her life, she could finally be happy for him.  "I missed you, Greg," she said. It was the truth. She had missed the friend he had once been, and it was sad they hadn't kept in touch.  But it had taken a while to deal with her pain.

"I missed you too, Jess," he said, laughing. He finally let her go and stood back looking into her eyes.  "Obviously, life has been treating you well."

She wasn't about to talk to him about her issues with Chase, so she nodded, trying not to spoil the mood. "You look like you've been basking in the sun."  She couldn't deny he was a sexy man, even if he did play for the other team.

"Barry and I just got back from a cruise to Jamaica."

"I am so jealous!" She punched him playfully in the arm, and they found a table. They used to talk about taking a cruise, but it had never panned out.  "So tell me all about the trip. Was it as beautiful as it looked in the brochures we use to get?"  It felt incredible to have a normal conversation with him, and she was smiling from ear to ear.

"The Falls were incredible, Jess. You would have loved them, but the poverty in the city was just heartbreaking, so it had its pros and cons."  When the server
appeared, they both ordered lunch before he went into detail about the ship itself and the sumo karaoke.

"It sounds like you guys had a ball. I'm going to have to do a cruise one day."  The rest of their lunch they filled each other in on what was going on in their lives.  Jess left out Chase, but told him about her recent Florida trip and telecommuting job. 

Greg paid their bill and walked her back to her car.  "Listen, Jess, I hope we can do this again. I know I laid a lot of burdens at your feet with what I was going through, and I want you to know how sorry I am about that." 

"None of us can change who we are Greg." She smiled at him, feeling no remorse for what they'd shared for the first time in years.  "I miss hanging out with you, and I hope you won't be a stranger now."  It was so freeing to finally let go of some of the emotional baggage that had been weighing her down.

"No, we can't change, Jess, and believe me, if I were straight, there could never be another woman I’d love to give my heart to more. I hope you know that."  Pulling her into his arms again, he hugged her tightly, smiling.

"If you were straight, I would never let you out of my sight." She hugged him back. His comments meant more to her than she could ever express.

They exchanged phone numbers again before parting ways and promised to meet up again soon.  Heading back to her apartment, she felt lightness in her step that filled her heart with hope.  Tackling work for the next few hours kept her occupied until it was time to get dressed for the book club meeting.  She'd missed last week because of her trip and was interested in discussing the book she'd read while lounging at the beach.

She dressed in a strapless sundress, the hint of color from her trip accentuating the white garment, and she left off pantyhose, since her legs had a tan, for a change.  Tonight she was determined to get to know even more about the women she met with weekly. It was time for her to stop shutting out people in her life and make more friends. 

Amanda came over and hugged her as she walked into Dana's house and she returned the gesture.  "We haven't done our weekly lunch yet and I've got tons to tell you."  She wanted to share her experience with Greg, and just catch up. 

"Carolyn's invited me over tomorrow. If you don't mind doing it at her place, I'm sure she would be fine with you joining us." Amanda pulled her into the room as she talked.

Jessie thought about scheduling another day for lunch, but decided that was the old Jessie.  "If you don't mind asking Carolyn tonight, that sounds like a great idea."

Amanda told her she would ask her after the meeting, and they took their seats as refreshments were handed
out.  When the conversations started, instead of hanging her head, Jessie contributed her thoughts, and when it came to the topic of BDSM, she decided she needed to speak her mind.

"I think some people construe this lifestyle in the wrong way." Jessie lifted her chin and glanced at Amanda then the ladies gathered.  "A person that calls himself a dominant but just gets his kicks hurting women is an asshole, not a master."  She worried about bringing this up, knowing what Amanda had suffered, but she felt it needed to be addressed.

"We're all friends here so it's no secret I was attacked.  I admit at first I blamed the lifestyle for that prick, but the truth is you're right Jess.  There are abusive men out there; you hear stories that have nothing to do with BDSM. I just think no matter who your date, you need to be cautious."

"My mother's second husband was an alcoholic," Lauren confessed.  "I have to second what Amanda's saying," shaking her head she continued.  "A man either respects a woman or he doesn't.  He could be a preacher, a doctor, or a dominant; it's the mindset that truly matters."

"That may be true, but respect in my world doesn't involve spanking me like a naughty child." Tamara curled her lip.  "I assume people into sadomasochism were abused as children."

"That's because all the romances on this topic we've read have been about some man who has a screwed up past.  We don't ever get the viewpoint of the average person finding this just because it interests them.  There are people who enjoy this just because it turns them on."  That seemed like the case with Chase. He enjoyed being in control and as far as she knew, his childhood hadn't been that horrific.

"I don't know about the men, but how can any woman be willing to offer herself up in that context without going against everything we've fought for?" Tamela sneered at the thought of some man controlling her.

"Tamela, haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to not have to make all the decisions for a change, and just allow a man to pleasure you in ways he'd know would bring you over the edge?"  Jessie was really curious about her answer because she knew what a powerful woman Tamela was in the business world, and she wondered if anyone ever saw the emotional side of her.

"I have yet to meet a man I would trust in that capacity, but not having to make all the rules in the bedroom might be a nice change of pace." She laughed and the rest of the women joined in. 

"I don't think anyone would deny this isn't something you would try with a stranger." Carolyn said.  "With the right partner, this can be a beautiful way of expressing your sexuality, but again, you have to really trust the person you're playing with.”

Excusing herself, Jessie walked to the bathroom and fought her own emotions.  She hadn't thought this was something she wanted to pursue with anyone but Chase, but just talking about it tonight made her long to experience more.  The truth was she loved that she didn't have to decide what brought her pleasure and could just enjoy the sensations.  Maybe she could find that with another man.  Jessie also knew she couldn't allow herself to get involved in a relationship where the lines weren't clearly drawn.  With Chase, she would always want more than just passion, but maybe this was something she should at least think about exploring with someone else.

After getting her emotions under control, she rejoined the group.  They discussed several other aspects of the BDSM relationship, but her own thoughts crowded her mind as she tried to decide what she really needed to make her happy.  She decided to talk with Carolyn about this after everyone else had left. 

She waited until the other ladies had left before walking over to Carolyn.  The woman had been so great to Amanda when she was dealing with the crazy man, as she and Amanda both called him; maybe they'd just gotten off on the wrong foot.  "Do you have a few minutes?"

"Absolutely," Carolyn said. With a smile, she led her over to the bar.  "What's on your mind?"

Accepting the wine Carolyn poured, Jessie tried to decide how to voice her thoughts.  "I think I understand what you were trying to warn me about with Chase now."  It had taken seeing both sides of his personality to truly get the man he really was.

"I probably spoke out of turn."

"Actually, I think you were right. I think I allowed my own perception of what I needed in a relationship to blind me to the person he truly is." 

Shaking her head, Carolyn stared at her.  "Maybe you'd better explain?"  Sitting down on the couch, she patted it, inviting Jessie to join her.

"All his baggage dealing with his father's illness left him vulnerable and he needed someone to distract him."  She was speaking more to herself than Carolyn at the moment.

"Is that what you think?" Sitting back on the couch, Carolyn raised a brow.

Nodding her head, she took a sip of liquid courage.  "The man he showed me in the dungeon was nothing like the person I fell in love with."

Gasping, Carolyn's eyes widened. "So what were the differences in him?" 

Jessie knew she probably shouldn't be discussing Chase with his friend, but if anyone knew him, Carolyn did. "He was almost cold and disconnected in his master role. That was the biggest one, I guess."  Not the entire time, she remembered. He'd been pretty hot when he loved her body.

"So you think he only made love to you because he was feeling sorry for himself?" 

"Why else would he do a complete 360?" She could only assume the person he'd been in the dungeon was the real man, not the tender lover that made her feel cherished.

Laughing softly, she tapped her finger to her lips for a few seconds.  "Have you talked with him about your feelings?"

"And have Chase pity me for falling in love with him?" Making a face, her frown deepened.  "I don't need his sympathy."

"The things I could teach you," Carolyn said, laughing softly, and then sighing.  "Did you stop to consider that maybe he felt something more for you?” 

Shooting her a look that said,
yeah right
she spoke. "The man is drop-dead gorgeous. Why would he feel anything more for me?"

"You really don't have a high opinion of yourself, do you?"

Jessie frowned again.  "I guess I don't."

"You're a beautiful woman, and if I had any indication that you liked other women, and I didn't know that Chase would skin me alive, I'd offer to help you overcome that."

Stunned at her words, Jessie’s eyes widened enormously.  "I guess I should be flattered?"

Laughing, Carolyn said, "Don't worry, you're safe with me.  But seriously, have you considered that being in a relationship with a master might really help you overcome those feelings of self-doubt?"

"I think the whole sex with stranger's thing pretty much takes any chance of me going that route away."

"I rarely have sex with my slaves.  People just assume that's what happens."  Sipping on her wine, Carolyn smiled warmly.

"How can it not be sexual?" That thought hadn’t even registered as a possibility.

"I didn't say it wasn't sexual, only that I didn't normally have sex with my slaves. There's a difference.  They derive pleasure from the things I do to them, and vice versa, but intercourse isn't mandatory."

"There are other people who keep sex completely on the outside?"  That might be something she was willing to consider.

"More than you would imagine.”

  "That's interesting."  It was more than interesting, Jessie thought.  She couldn't deny she was interested in hearing more.

"I know someone who might consider mentoring you." 

"I don't know. I really want to learn more, but I'm not sure I'm really ready for any of this."  She had enjoyed exploring with Chase, even if she couldn't keep her heart out of it, but a stranger…

"Of course it's your choice. I just don't want you to think every relationship in my world has to be so complicated." 

"I guess it wouldn't hurt to at least talk with another dominant."  Saying that was a huge leap for her.  A few weeks ago she would have turned her lip up and considered people into this strange.  She glanced at her watch and realized they'd been talking for over an hour.  "I guess I need to be getting home."

"I'll walk you out."  Looking at her distracted, she led to the front door.  "I'll talk to my friend and let you know when he can set up something."