Romance Book Club (11 page)

For the rest of the week, she refused to let her mind settle on Chase.  She did her work at night, and kept herself busy during the day shopping, or just enjoying the beach.  She didn't forget sunscreen again, since the first two days of her trip were almost miserable because of her forgetfulness.  The only time she couldn't escape him was in her dreams, and in those, he was the most beautiful lover a woman could imagine. She awoke several nights with tears in her eyes.

Checking out of her hotel after packing up, she felt the vacation had definitely been something she needed.  Even though she missed him, there was a part of her that knew she could handle going back to the city again.  She even managed to smile as the long road stretched out before her and she listened to some of her favorite songs on the radio.  Then
that
song came on the radio.  It reminded her so much of Chase, that she almost had to stop the car.  The song discussed a woman who was always failing in love, and it really hit home.  A few deep breaths later, she relaxed again, continuing to drive.

chapter thirteen

Wrath of Lovers

Chase was beyond frustrated after a week of trying to contact Jessie and being thwarted at every turn.  He had called to ask her out the day after his father’s funeral, even if it seemed a little wrong to do something like that.  Reaching her voice mail time and time again, he finally badgered Carolyn to find out where she'd gone.  He felt a little like a stalker as he discovered she'd went on vacation. 

The thoughts going through his mind had not been pleasant. He imagined her on the beach with some new lover, and he almost gave into the temptation to drive down and drag her back home.  Some part of him had already decided she was his.  Forcing himself not to act like the alpha male he was, he decided to wait until she returned before demanding she tell him to his face she wasn't interested.

Carolyn had called to inform him she'd be returning today and he was on edge as he picked up the phone again for the fifth time to call her.  He knew he was being irrational, but he felt almost used and discarded and it hurt his ego.  When she picked up the phone, it took everything he had not to tell her just how aggravated he was.  "Hello, Jessie." He spoke the words calmly, and wished he felt that way.

Hearing his voice on the other end of the line made her heart race until she remembered he was the reason she'd left in the first place.  "Hello, Chase. How are you?" She didn't want him to know how hard it had been to forget his face, and could only assume he was calling out of courtesy.

"Did you enjoy your trip?"  He asked, ignoring her question.  He wanted to demand to know if she was sleeping with someone else, but doubted that conversation would come out any way but possessive-sounding on his end.

"Um, yeah, I enjoyed the break."  How did he even know she'd been gone, she wondered? Then considered Carolyn must have talked to Amanda.  "How are things going with you?"  This conversation needed to end. It almost sounded like he cared, and she couldn't let herself believe that.

"I'm okay but I didn't call to talk about me. Would you like to have dinner tonight?"  He wanted to see her face. He wasn't a saint by any means, but after learning
what her friend had gone through at the hands of a brute, he was really worried she was putting him in the same category. 

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Chase." She wanted to say yes, but dinner with him would only end in two ways, and both would hurt eventually.  She couldn't imagine just having a polite conversation with him, and if they ended up in bed, she knew it wouldn't mean the same thing to him as it did to her.  A week wasn't long enough to forget how Amanda's experience with a man in the lifestyle had ended up.

"And why not, Jessie girl? Did you not enjoy our nights together?" If she wasn't going to meet him, then he at least wanted to hear the truth from her lips.

Flushing, she felt her heart race even more. "I think you know I did, Chase, but we just seem to want different things."  She wasn't going to say he'd just been using her to not deal with his pain, even though it really felt that way.  He'd been dealing with a tough situation, and maybe if the roles were reversed she'd have done the same.  She doubted it, though. Sex obviously meant a lot more to her.

"Maybe you should come over and discuss the things you want, Jessie. I can't please you if I don't know what you want."  He was more than a little disappointed, and frustrated that just when he’d initiated her into the world of lovemaking, Amanda's situation had turned her completely off his lifestyle. 

The thought of being with him again that way made her libido skyrocket, but how could she give herself to a man who would never see her as more than a object of sexual gratification? 
At least you'd enjoy yourself
, her subconscious argued.
Right up until the moment he decided to turn into psycho man
, her mind answered back.  "Is that what you really want Chase, someone to enjoy passionate games with?" 

"I guess the real question here is what do
you
really want?   We obviously have good chemistry, Jessie. Why shouldn't we enjoy each other?"  He didn't want her to walk away. There were so many things he wanted to share with her. But all of them involved her trusting him.

"I'm sure Carolyn explained what happened to Amanda.  I'm not sure I'll ever feel comfortable playing in your world again," she admitted finally. That was only part of the problem.  Even if she could trust him in that capacity, he would never want the type of relationship she craved with him.

Running a weary hand through his thick hair, he sighed.  "That man wasn't a master.  He was barely a human being.  Surely you don't put me on that same level?" 

"I don't think you're that type of person, but I admit I'm a little leery of the thought of being hurt that way."
A little was an understatement. She wasn't sure she'd ever recover from abuse like that.

"Any woman would be, but that's not really the question.  Do you think I would hurt you like that?"  If she thought he could be that sadistic, then there was no hope for them at all.

She thought about his question deeply and shook her head. "No, I know you wouldn't do something like that."  She meant it. No matter how insensitive he was to her feelings for him, he wasn't the type of man to abuse another woman.  That much she knew for certain.

Releasing the breath he'd been holding waiting for her answer, he relaxed somewhat.  "Come see me tonight then.  I really would like to talk to you." 

She knew talking would turn into something else if she visited him.  But would it be so horrible to enjoy him as a lover, knowing it would never go any further?  Could she be that woman who just enjoyed the sensual side of her nature? Maybe that was the only way she'd get over the urge to want more than just pleasure with him.  "We both know it would end in more than talking."  At least that was honest, even if she hated saying the words out loud.

He wasn't going to deny that.  "The choice is yours, Jessie. It always has been. If you're still interested, stop by my house tonight at eight."  He hung up, not giving her time to answer; afraid he would beg her to give him
a chance.  If she came tonight, he would introduce her into the real world of domination, and if she didn't, he had to accept that she just didn't want him.

Listening to the dial tone for several seconds, she finally hung up.  It hurt to know she'd been right and he'd only wanted to be with her to fulfill his needs.  He didn't really want to talk, she decided.  He wanted to enjoy her.  It hurt knowing that was what he really cared about. 

The hurt finally blended into anger.  Two could play at his game, she decided, even knowing she would be the one that would pay the price when it all ended.  She'd fought against her sexuality for years, and he was the first man to awaken her to desire.  Why shouldn't she enjoy herself, if only for short time?  It went against everything she believed about herself, but for once she just didn't care.

Unpacking her suitcases, she arranged everything meticulously as she thought over her options. It was obvious that she still wanted the man, even if these weren't exactly the terms she wanted him on.  At least she would hopefully have a few months of memories to take away with her when this was over.  Her decision already made, she took a long, hot bath, and soaked to clear her head.

She dressed to please him. Knowing that at least he found her sexually appealing did more than she'd thought possible for her self-confidence.  Pulling a never-worn, slinky red dress from her closet, she slid it over her head, pleased it still fit after years of hanging abandoned.  The silky little garment had been one she bought when her ex had planned to take her out dancing, before he'd broken the news about his new relationship.  It somehow seemed fitting to wear this for Chase tonight. 

A shrink would have a field day with her thoughts at the moment, she thought as she prepared herself to give her body to a man who obviously couldn't love her.  Knowing the types of things he enjoyed, she hoped her heart was the only thing that came out of this broken.  She instantly berated herself for that thought. She knew Chase would never physically hurt her. 

Driving to his house, she attempted to talk herself out of this madness.  She almost turned around several times, but minutes later she found herself in his driveway.  “This has got to be the stupidest thing you've ever done, Jess,” she said out loud as she climbed out of the car. Walking up to his door, her knees trembled in anticipation of facing him.  Louise's smiling face met her instead.

"It's good to see you, young lady.  You've been missed around here."  Patting Jessie’s hand affectionately, Louise opened the door so she could enter.

"It's nice to see you, Louise." The other woman’s smile was infectious and she returned it while squeezing her hand gently.

"Chase is waiting for you in his study. You go on up and I'll bring some drinks."  Pointing to the stairs, she walked off. 

Forcing her legs to move, Jessie walked upstairs and followed the hall until she saw the open door of the study.  Giving Chase a timid smile, she gazed over him as he sat behind the large mahogany desk.  "Evening," she whispered softly.

"I'm glad you came, Jessie." He gave a forced smile and encouraged her to sit down in the oversized chair in front of the desk with a hand motion.

He didn't seem as warm and affectionate as she remembered, and an uncomfortable feeling moved through her.  For a reason she couldn't explain, he seemed almost angry.  "Did you change your mind?"  That was the only explanation that made sense to her.

"Why on earth would I do that? We enjoy each other. There's no reason that we shouldn't continue to do so."  Sensing that she didn't truly believe him, he sighed deeply.  He needed to get his emotions under control.  He wanted more than just some sexual rendezvous, he realized. "I just want to discuss some details before we decide where we want to go here, Jessie.  I'm sorry if I seem a little tense." 

This was how he normally treated the submissive's interested in training with him.  He'd done things wrong with her from the beginning, but tonight he was determined to show her how he acted when he kept his emotions out of the equation.  What he really wanted to do was pull her into his arms and demand that she want more from him that just the sexual pleasure he gave, but that wasn't going to happen.  He felt like the woman in a relationship needing emotional depth, and it pissed him off.

They were interrupted by Louise bringing in a tray with a bottle of wine and long-stemmed glasses.  They both thanked her and the silence when she left again was a little daunting to Jessie. 

"I guess the best way to begin is to explain what I'm looking for in a submissive."  That was who he was; he didn't see any reason to sugarcoat what his needs were.  If he could have her as something more, he would have worked into this as their relationship progressed, but that wasn't the case now.

Who is this man?
She thought to herself as she nodded for him to continue. He seemed almost business-like at the moment, and she wasn't sure that a relationship like this was something she could do.

"You've already been introduced to my dungeon, so you know the toys and such I like to play with.  I explained before if you belonged to me, when you enter it should always be undressed and ready to please me." 
This felt so cold and calculated, but the thought of playing with her there still excited him, so if this is what she wanted, he had no problem giving it to her.

"You know I don't have a real grasp on the things you enjoy, Chase."  Was she really going to do this with him?  It wasn't what she wanted; she wanted that sweet man who loved her body so tenderly back again.

"You'll learn as I teach you, so that's not really an issue.  If you aren't comfortable with something, you can just ask me to stop. I'm not going to get into details about safe words and such until I know your limits better.  I'm not big on the sir and master titles either. Respect is something you show in actions, not in words, so you can continue to call me Chase."

She hadn't even considered calling him anything other than his given name, and wondered if she would have been able to do it if he’d demanded it. "Okay." She didn't like this coolness at all and wished he'd just take her in his arms again. None of this seemed right.

"I will be training you as a submissive, so I will use punishment, but I promise it won't be unbearable." 

The punishment thing terrified her.  "I think you'd better explain."  After seeing what Amanda went through, she wasn't willing to trust even him without knowing more.

He knew automatically where her mind had gone.  "Do you really think I would hurt you the way Amanda was?"

"No, but I also know you're acting strange and I'm not comfortable with you at the moment."  Being honest with him seemed only right.

Running a hand through his hair, he sighed.  "I just want to make sure we understand each other, I'm sorry if I seem abrupt."  Softening his countenance, he smiled.  "You have my word that I would never push you further than you can accept, okay?"

She nodded, but wasn't sure having him punish her was something she wanted to consider.  She didn’t know what she
could do that would disappoint him enough to encourage that.  She didn't know what to say, and again she questioned her sanity for wanting to share any part of him he was willing to give. It really was pathetic, she decided.