Romance: Sports Romance: ON SIDE (Secret Baby Pregnancy Football Romance) (Contemporary New Adult Fiction) (21 page)

Chapter Seven

Mateo and I spent every moment that we could together for almost a week and he showed me so much more than I ever imagined.  Not only did we make love for hours on end, making sure that I was a knowledgeable lover after I returned to the states but he also taught me a lot about how to feel comfortable in my own skin, being who I am and loving who I love without fear of judgment.  Holding his hand while walking through the side streets of the small village where he lived outside of Tuscany, I never felt such pride and freedom to just be myself.  Loving Mateo gave me a much-needed strength that I'd been missing and I felt so foolish for my little escapade in my truck the week before the Super Bowl.  I’d informed him of the reckless act and my Italian love cried in my arms, telling me that nobody should feel that much pain just for being himself and showed me all the joys of which I’d so been yearning.  Being with Mateo was as close to heaven as I’d ever be while my lungs filled with oxygen and as long as I lived, I would never know pure happiness as I knew it with my first true love.  Even though we’d only spent a month together, it was filled with love, adventure, passion and honesty which is something that I’d never known.  Looking into his dark eyes, I found where I felt most safe and in his arms I never felt ashamed or uncomfortable.  In Mateo’s arms, I found unconditional love and acceptance which was something that I’d never even had from my own parents.  Mateo and I spent every available minute together, both in my rented villa and his flat on the outskirts of town and the bond between us was stronger than any I’d ever known.  It was this fact that made it almost impossible for me to return home when the time came but he’d taken a few days off work at the end of my trip and we spent our time walking long, country roads and bicycling through the countryside just enjoying our time together. 

The night before I was scheduled to return to the states, we spent the night wrapped in each other’s arms on the floor of my villa in front of the fireplace, sipping wine and nibbling cheese cubes as we discussed a possible future together.

“I could come back every chance I get and even bring you to America for visits, we could make it work.”  I stared into his eyes as I yearned for more time with him, knowing that our relationship’s chances of survival were slim to none.  Taking him into my arms, I smiled as he whispered,

“Ah, mi amore,” into my ear as he kissed the side of my neck.  Gripping the flesh of his back as I sucked in deeply, I nuzzled him close as he seduced me by the light of the fire.  Kissing my body, tracing the lines of my muscles, teasing my cock and satisfying each other's urges was how we spent the rest of the night and I couldn’t have been happier.  He brought me to new heights over and over again, both sexually and emotionally and I was more than certain that I’d found my soulmate.  What made it the most painful and joyous realization was when I fully grasped that I could never share my happiness with my loved ones.  If my parents really loved me then they would accept me for who I am, who I love and who I want to be but all they could see was the way the pastor might look at them on Sunday mornings.  I would forever be an outcast in my own family whether they knew it or not and it would be my personal cross to bear. 

Now that I knew love, I wasn’t sure that I could go back to a meaningless existence but I also didn’t know if I could ever go back to being not only alone but utterly lonely.  Returning to my life was something that I not only didn’t want to do but feared so on the morning I was to depart, I called my agent and booked two more months in the villa.  I didn’t think twice about it and when I woke Mateo for what he thought was going to our last morning together.  After finding out that I planned to stay for eight more weeks, Mateo and I made love before beginning our day then rode bicycles into the town for some fresh produce.  I could have easily sent some of the staff but I wanted as much time with him, doing small things that would mean the most in my memories because as wonderful as our sex had become, it was the things like finding the perfect tomato or sprig of parsley that made my heart soar with delight. 

Walking hand in hand past the many booths set up to provide a positive experience for the customer’s shopping experience was one of the most joyous experiences I’d had, simply because it was an average act that I’d yearned to do with someone at my side, just like anyone else.  Back home, I couldn’t take Mateo to the grocery store and canoodle with him down the aisles but here in the quiet Italian setting, I could do whatever I wanted without fear of calamity.  Even though my Mateo wasn’t an athlete, I managed to get him to do some light training with me so that I could stay in some semblance of proper shape while I took my time off and I could see the effects of his efforts beginning to pay off a bit. 

Back at my villa after a long day in town doing nothing other than living out lives, we stood in the kitchen, side-by-side with smiles on our faces as the world felt nothing but right and prepared our meal.  While I sliced tomatoes, Mateo diced mushrooms to add to the skillet for our sauce.  He made an amazing pasta and he’d actually gotten me into the kitchen to help without slicing off one of my fingers.  I was completely useless when it came to cooking or what that entails and was more likely to burn water than get it to boil properly.  I’d given my staff the night off so that we could enjoy each other in private without any prying eyes, even though I knew they were professionals and not likely prone to gossip, I still wanted to be alone with Mateo for the evening.  He popped a piece of Portobello into his mouth with a grin and I opened mine to accept my spongy treat.   I’d never enjoyed anything in my life more than the time I spent with Mateo and the more I looked at him, the harder and deeper in love I fell, which should have been a warning sign since he was my first real relationship.

I should have known better than to fall so hard for someone I’d just met but I was swept away in the emotions and the whirlwind of it all and that’s why it hurt me so badly when I surprised him at work a few weeks after our lovely dinner in the villa.  The hope that I had for finding someone to spend my life with had been crushed when I went to the back room to find him in the arms of another man.  This forced me to cut my trip short and return to the states before the extension I’d given myself was up and once again, I faced the loneliness that had become my life.

Chapter Eight

My home seemed so empty when I returned and it seemed that nothing I did helped the ache and betrayal I felt deep inside except for when I was exercising.  I still had time off before I had to begin training and I wanted to be in shape when I rejoined my team so I dove into concentrating on my body to keep my mind off of Mateo.  He’d told me that he didn’t think we were exclusive since I was planning on returning to the states and that a bit of fun on the side never hurt anyone but he was wrong.  I was broken by his actions, not because of his act in the store room but because my illusion of happiness had been shattered right before my very eyes.  The truth of my sexuality had finally been brought to life and in the blink of an eye, my hopes of love disappeared into the night.  It wasn’t necessarily losing Mateo that hurt me so badly but facing the fact that I had to come back home after a wild vacation tryst that opened my eyes to how wonderful it could be.  If it were possible for me to have the type of relationship with someone back home like I did while abroad, it wouldn’t have affected me in such a way but the realization of my impending solitude wore on my mind at great lengths.  I called off the remainder of my time allotted for the villa and returned home a few days after the fateful encounter in the storage room.

My muscles ached by the time I got done with the butterfly press and as I leaned over to rest my aching shoulders, sweat dripped from my brow in sheets and I noticed how soft I’d allowed my body to become during my vacation.  It wasn’t like me to let myself go but during my time in Italy, the last thing on my mind was exercise other than that which I was getting in Mateo’s bed.   Lifting my head to look into the mirrored wall across from my row of exercise equipment, I stared into the face of a man that looked so lost and confused and there was no other word for my reflection other than pathetic.  I couldn’t even face myself and the reality of who I was so how was I supposed to expect anyone else to?  Spiraling back to the place where I was the night I played chicken with myself in the truck was not what I needed to do but without Mateo at my side after knowing how wonderful it feels to have someone.  If I’d have never met him I would probably be better off than I was in that moment and I’d never disagreed with the old, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” adage.  Thoughts of ending it all once again returned to my mind but instead of letting myself get led down a dark path, I focused my energy on push-ups. 

I’d focus on upper body for now then switch up and work my legs, alternating so that my muscles would grow and strengthen properly.  It was important for me to remain in shape and I continually scolded myself over the weeks after my return from Italy.

While I was abroad, I’d let Mateo show me a few things on the internet since I’d never given it much time and he’d set me up with a NetPix account.  The site allowed the user to share pictures and thoughts with people who followed them and I’d used an assumed name to keep some semblance of anonymity since I wasn’t posting photographs of myself but mostly using it to gain some insight into the world that I wasn’t allowed to enter.  He set me up on a page for gay men and I’d acquired twenty-seven friends so far but I followed over a thousand different people of various backgrounds, sexual orientation, and nationalities.  I’d become quite enthralled with the cyber world that allowed me to be myself behind the alias of a pseudonym while living vicariously through the images on my screen.  I’d not given any thought to reaching out to anyone or starting a conversation because there was no way I could ever meet in person so it was not even worth starting.  As I flipped through the images of some of the accounts, my mind went back to the first night I went to the club in Tuscany as soon as I saw the familiar backgrounds in some images on a particular account.  The lights on the wall and the deejay booth all brought back the night when I met Mateo and my heart pounded in my chest when I saw him in one of the photos.  What made my stomach tie in knots was the fact that he had his arms wrapped passionately around a man whose wardrobe, build and face all looked uncannily familiar to myself.  Doing a double take, I realized that the photo was taken when we shared our first kiss and the caption read:

“Mateo and New Toy”

That about summed it all up.  The risk that someone would recognize me was very high at this point for it was a very popular site in America and it would only be a matter of time before I was spotted, recognized and outed.  If this picture was seen by just one person who recognized me, my entire world would be turned upside down, including my family, friends, and career as a professional athlete.  Sure, other players have come out and it was always a huge media frenzy and I tried my best to stay off the front page of tabloids.  The last thing I wanted was for the title to read about my love life but I didn’t know what to do about it.  Should I contact the team’s publicist and try to squash any rumors before they began or let nature take its course and allow things to happen the way they were meant to?  Maybe this was a sign that I was supposed to free myself from this prison in which I lived and finally live my life in happiness.  It could also be an indication that I had made a huge mistake while I was on vacation that could have potentially proven to be catastrophic.  I was in a panic, thinking about the possible ramifications of my mindless romp while away from my own little world and I realized that things had become far worse than I expected instead of better like I’d hoped. 

I was faced with one of the toughest decisions of my life and now that it was imminent, the choice to come out of my heavily guarded closet was scaring the shit out of me.  The option to completely deny that it was me in the photo was out of the question since my face was clearly recognizable and a man of my size and stature is rarely mistaken.  Perhaps, since it was a European site, the chances of it reaching the states would be minimal.  If I went forward for damage control, I’d have to come out about my sexuality, at least to my publicist and team and that’s not something that I wasn’t sure I was ready to face because as private as I’d want to keep it, eventually it would be exposed. 

Since my time with Mateo, I realized what I was missing out on my keeping myself hidden in the shadows but I also knew what such a truth would do to those I loved.  If they loved me as much as they claimed, they should be able to accept me no matter what but that simply wasn’t the case.  My parents would never understand why I couldn’t be what they wanted, no matter how hard I tried.  I had forced myself to have sex with women but it was not enjoyable nor did I climax but with Mateo, I’d not been able to get enough of his touch and reached new and amazing heights.  The only person hurting by keeping the secret was me but if it came out, everyone who knew me would be disappointed and ashamed.  No way on earth could I do that to my family and friends and I had to figure out how to deny any allegations that may come of this, for I just wasn’t ready to face the truth once I’d stepped back into my own life.  I yearned for love and the bond that comes from a union of hearts, minds and bodies like I’d had when I was on vacation and if there was a chance that I could find happiness, I deserved it to let myself at least try.  Why couldn’t I make up my mind and decide to be happy, throw caution to the wind and live my life?  I was a good boy, that’s why.

“That’s mommy’s good boy, do what’s right and behave.  Always be mommy’s good boy”

The words rang in my ears as if my mother were standing behind me, yelling them into a bullhorn directly into my head.  I’d heard them all my life and my parents were so wonderful that I couldn’t be the one to finally break their hearts.  In their eyes, I was their only hope for a child that wasn’t a complete failure and if I were to reveal to them that I was gay, it would destroy whatever hope they had for a “normal” family.  If I wanted some sort of a normal life, I would have to make some hard decisions and break my mother’s heart but if she loved me the way she claimed, she would have no choice but to love me regardless of who I loved.  In a perfect world, I’d be able to tell my parents that I had no urge to date, be with or love any woman on the face of the world and they’d understand and I would have to take that chance if I wanted any kind of happiness.  I’d have to.