Romancing Snow White: A Prince Charmaine Story (2 page)

When Charmaine peeked around Snow White's shoulder, he saw several other small men emerging from the trees.

“
But Charmaine is my boyfriend!” Snow White declared. “He's allowed to touch me wherever he wants!”

Charmaine's eyebrow shot up. This was news to him! “Really? I can touch you
anywhere
?!” Then Charmaine saw the fury in Bones' eyes, and he let out a little squeak. He cowered behind Snow White, hoping she would protect him from further injury.

“
Well, you better tell yer
boyfriend
not to touch you like that!” Bones threatened, “Or I'll break his nuts!”

Six small men lined up beside Bones and glowered at Charmaine. Snow White, eager to introduce her boyfriend, took it upon herself to make introductions. “You've already met Bones. To his right, there's Wheezy.”

Wheezy could hardly catch his breath, so he didn't say anything. He just waved.

“
And Madden.”

When Charmaine's eyes fell on Madden, Madden flipped him off.

“
Merry.”

When she said his name, Merry bowed.

“
Uhhh... Snow?” Charmaine whispered in her ear. “Isn't Merry a girl's name?”

“
Shh,” she hushed him. “And then there's Sheepish.”

Sheepish had the wildest hair Charmaine had ever laid eyes on. It was purple and blue, and was sticking up in a million different directions. When Sheepish saw Charmaine staring at him, he hid behind Bones.

“
And to the left of Bones, we have Silly.”

As soon as he was introduced, Silly started making farting noises with his armpit.

“
And Narcolept.”

Narcolept's eyes were fluttering drowsily, but he managed to wave at Charmaine.

“
Snow....
Sweetheart
!” Charmaine exclaimed. “You don't expect me to remember all this, do you? That was a lot!”

“
Well, if you're going to be my boyfriend, I'd like you to
try
to remember!” she said. “They mean a lot to me! They've taken care of me as long as I can remember! If not for them, I wouldn't have a roof over my head!”

“
You live with midgets!?”

“
Dwarves!” she corrected him.

“
Alright then. You live with... dwarves.” Charmaine shook his head with disbelief. “Isn't that a bit strange? They must ask you to retrieve things from the top shelf all the time!”

Bones reached around Snow White and grabbed Charmaine by the front of his shirt. “That's what step stools are for, asshole!”

“
I'm sorry!” Charmaine threw up his hands and winced. “I'm really, really sorry! Don't hurt me! I beg you!”

“
Pathetic!” Bones spat at Charmaine's feet. “You really like this clown, Snow?”

“
I do!” Snow White declared—which made Charmaine grin. It must have really been love at first sight! “And you really shouldn't mistreat him, Bones! Charmaine is special! He's a prince!”

“
A prince?” Bones spat again. “I don't care if he's a royal chamber pot! I won't let him get away with groping you like that! A prince should know better!”

Merry and Madden stepped forward and grabbed Snow White's elbows. They gave Bones a nod, and started leading her away from the clearing. She kept looking over her shoulder at Charmaine with tears in her eyes.

“
Snow White!” Charmaine shouted. “When will I see you again?!”

Bones balled a fist and shook it at Charmaine. “How about never, you idiot? NEVER?”

“
But she loves me! I know she does!”

“
She'll love you over my dead body!” Bones stroked his foot-long beard as he glared at Charmaine. “Do you understand me, son? You aren't coming around her again. And that's that.”

“
But you can't keep her away from me. We care about each other!”

Bones raised his fist. “Would you like to tell that to my knuckles, boy?”

“
Uhh... no.” Prince Charmaine started backing away from Bones.

“
We have an understanding, yes? You and me?”

“
Yes. Yes we do!”

“
No more groping.”

“
Nope. No groping.”

“
No more kissing.”

“
I wouldn't dream of it!”

“
And most importantly...” Bones lowered his voice and stepped forward. “If you come around her again, I'll wring your neck.”

Prince Charmaine swallowed so hard, his Adam's apple bobbed. He started to wonder if Snow White was really worth it. Sure, she was beautiful, innocent, sweet, bashful, pure and kind. She was practically everything he could ever want in a woman!

But was she worth it?

A vision of her flawless face flashed before Charmaine's eyes, and he had to smile.

Of course she was worth it!

* * *

Charmaine followed them to their cottage so he would know where Snow White lived. It was a quaint, cozy little place, with timber frames and a thatched roof. It might have been the most peaceful place in the world, if not for the fact that Charmaine started raising a ruckus outside.

“
SNOW!” he called to her. “SNOW WHITE? YOUR BOYFRIEND IS HERE! I WON'T LET THEM KEEP YOU AWAY FROM ME!”

Snow appeared in one of the windows, so he ran to her. “Charmaine!” she squealed. “You came!”

“
Of course I came. I would never abandon you!”

One of the dwarves approached Snow White and dragged her away from the window. The dwarf stuck out his tongue at Charmaine, then snapped the curtains shut.

But Prince Charmaine wouldn't give up so easily—not when a beautiful woman's happiness depended on it! He went to the front door and gave it a tap.

A few seconds later, Bones shoved his head outside. “Whaddaya want?”

“
To see Snow White.”

“
Go away.”

He started to close the door, but Charmaine wedged his foot between the door and frame. “Please... hear me out! I want to court her.”

“
Yeah?”

“
Yes! I'll court her like a proper gentleman! I'll call on her with flowers and the like. I just want to see her!” As Charmaine spoke, Bones' cold gaze was unflinching. “I realize I came on too strong, and I regret it from the bottom of my heart!”

“
You do?”

“
Yes! I do!”

“
You regret putting your dirty mouth on hers?”

“
Y-yes.”
Dirty mouth?
Charmaine's mouth was quite clean! But he didn't think it was the right time to protest.

“
You regret putting your dirty hands on her a--”

“
Yes!” Charmaine exclaimed. “Look, you can't keep me away from her! I
need
her! You would be standing in the way of young love! Who would have the heart to do such a thing?! If you don't let me see her, her faultless beauty will haunt me in my dreams!”

“
And you can think of my knuckles in your nightmares,” Bones said. “Git!”

He kicked Charmaine's foot until he had no choice but to withdraw it, and he slammed the door in Charmaine's face.

“
But I--”

“
Git!” he could hear Bones shouting at him on the other side of the door.

“
She is--”

“
Git!”

“
But we're--”

“
Git, git, git, git, git!”

With slumped shoulders, Prince Charmaine turned and started walking away. Today, he had no choice but to admit defeat.

But tomorrow? That was a different story indeed!

III

The next night, Prince Charmaine returned to the cottage in the woods. He kept his eyes peeled as he drew closer, for fear that a dwarf would leap from the bushes and throttle him within an inch of his life. Until yesterday, he never feared dwarves. Now they were quite possibly the most terrifying thing he had ever encountered!

Charmaine tried to remember which window he spotted her in. Maybe that was her bedroom? Charmaine couldn't wait to see her again. He was longing to see her cherub cheeks and midnight hair. He would have given anything for a chance to run his fingers through those tantalizing silken tresses!

Charmaine picked up a pebble and tossed it at the window, hoping it would be enough to get her attention. When she didn't come, he tossed another pebble and held his breath. What if Bones appeared at the window instead of Snow White? If that happened, Charmaine thought he might soil himself.

But he was in luck! Snow White answered his call! She slid open the glass panel so she could speak to him.

“
Charmaine!” she gasped. “It's you!”

“
Why yes!” He raised a blonde eyebrow and struck a pose, hoping he looked heroic. “It IS me.”

“
I've missed you.”

“
I've missed you too, my sweet,” he said. “I've missed your gentle voice, your pure spirit. I've missed your cherry lips and your... your...” He was going to say bosom, but he didn't think it would be appropriate.

“
Charmaine, you shouldn't be here!” she whispered to him. “It's the middle of the night! If Bones and Madden knew you were here, they would kill you!”

“
It is worth the risk... if only to see your face. Besides, aren't they being a bit over-protective? You're a grown woman! You should be able to make your own choices and take your own risks!”

And it was true. Snow White's eighteenth birthday was just a few days away. She would have liked them to give her some breathing room, but at the same time, she appreciated their concern for her.

“
Charmaine?”

“
Yes?”

“
I really like you.”

“
I really like
you
!”

“
I don't know why I like you so much,” she said—which made him pout. “But I do. Ever since our encounter in the woods, you're all I've been able to think about.”

“
You're all
I've
been able to think about!” he parroted her again. “I want nothing more than to bask in your heavenly presence... all day, every day! There is no risk I wouldn't take to be with you, my dear, sweet Snow White!”

“
Are you being genuine?”

“
I am!”

“
Reeeeally
?” she sounded incredulous. “Those are some really nice compliments, but they sound a little fake.”

His lower lip protruded. Very few women had the audacity to criticize his technique. Most of them lapped up his compliments like thirsty kittens. “They do? Well, I don't mean to sound fake. The fact of the matter is, Snow White, there is no one else I would rather be with. Meeting you will undoubtedly be the highlight of my life.”

“
Awww...” she cooed. “That's really sweet.”

“
And it's true! Honest to goodness! I am thoroughly enjoying our midnight rendezvous.”

She smiled at him. “Me too.”

Snow pushed her hand through the window, hoping he would hold it. Charmaine started to move closer to her. As soon as he did, a second story window opened up, and Bones popped his head outside.

“
Hey!” the husky dwarf shouted at him. “I thought I told you to GIT?”

Charmaine was frozen in place. He wanted to run, but his legs wouldn't let him. He was afraid the dwarf would leap from the window and strangle the life out of him.

However, Bones didn't do that. He did something worse. He lifted a chamber pot and heaved it out the window, aiming its contents at Charmaine. The prince tried to leap away, but he was too late. Several droplets of urine—and something unmentionable—splashed up on him.

“
These are my best trousers!” Charmaine whined. “They were tailor-made!”

“
Giiiiit!” Bones hollered at him. “And Snow White... get back to bed!”

Snow White disappeared from the window, and the curtains were closed once again. Charmaine retreated to the bushes and waited, wondering what he should do next. He didn't want to admit defeat yet again. So far, it was Bones-2, Charmaine-0.

“
Come back to the window...” Charmaine whispered, willing his lady love out of her bed. “Don't listen to them. Come back to the window and hold my hand. I want nothing more than to hold your hand...”

Beside him, a masculine voice said, “I know the feeling.”