Romancing Snow White: A Prince Charmaine Story (3 page)

Charmaine, who wasn't expecting to see anyone in the middle of the night, nearly jumped out of his skin. A few feet away from him, a beady-eyed man was hunkering in the bushes. He had a large nose, a goatee, and several patches of acne on his cheeks.

“
What the--” Charmaine bit back a curse. “Who are
you
?”

“
Hunter,” the man replied. “Jack Hunter.”

Charmaine saw an axe glinting in the other man's hands, so he decided to be as polite as possible. “So, uhh... Jack... what are you doing out here in the bushes?”

“
Watching,” he replied. “Waiting. And don't call me Jack. Call me Hunter.”

“
Ah, okay.” Charmaine started to inch away. If he needed to make a run for it, he wanted a head start. “And what are you waiting for, Hunter?”

“
Snow White.”

“
My girlfriend?” Charmaine snickered to himself. “You're out here stalking my girlfriend?”

“
She's
my
girlfriend!” Hunter declared. “And you're stalking her too.”

“
I'm not stalking her.”

“
You are.”

“
Am
not
!”

“
You're hiding in the bushes. You're staring at her house.” Hunter shrugged. “It sure looks like you're stalking her to me.”

Charmaine clenched his fists and bit his tongue. He didn't want to say anything to upset the crazy man with the axe, so he changed the subject. “So... why did you say Snow White is your girlfriend? Has she given you any reason to believe that?”

“
Yes.”

“
She
has
?!”

“
Sometimes...” Hunter had a far-off look in his eye. “Sometimes she smiles at me.”

Charmaine answered the other man's claim with a derisive click of the tongue. “Please. If every girl who smiled at me was my girlfriend, I would have sixty girlfriends by now.” He started stroking his chin. “And that wouldn't be altogether unpleasant!”

“
But she IS my girlfriend!” Hunter insisted. “Admit it!”

“
I'm not going to admit that!”

Hunter pointed his axe at Charmaine. “Admit it!”

“
Okay, okay!!” Charmaine held up his hands in defeat. He wished he had more backbone, but he wasn't in any position to protest. “She's your girlfriend. Snow White is
your
girlfriend.”

“
Snow White is the most beautiful girl in the world!” Hunter dreamily declared.

“
I have to agree with you there.” Under his breath, Charmaine added, “
nutcase
...”

“
She's so pretty.”

Charmaine nodded. Hunter might have been an axe-wielding stalker, but he definitely had good taste in women.

“
There's nothing I want more... than to have her heart,” Hunter went on. “I would treasure it always. If I could, I would cut it out and put it in my pocket.”

Charmaine's head spun in Hunter's direction. “Pardon me...
what
?!”

“
Nuthin.” Jack Hunter's stout, chubby fingers started caressing the axe's blade, like Casanova caressing a lover. “I didn't say nuthin at all.”

IV

The next morning, Snow White took a trip into the forest. She walked hand-in-hand with her dwarven chaperone, Narcolept, whose eyelashes fluttered with sleepiness. Snow White picked wildberries, blueberries, and apples, which she collected in separate baskets.

“
These should make a yummy pie!” she declared, raising her wildberry basket into the air. “Don't you think so, Narc?”

“
Uuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Narcolept's face was stretched by a mammoth yawn. “Huh?”

“
I was saying that I could make a delicious pie!”

“
Pie sounds good,” Narcolept blearily agreed. “And so does a nap.”

So when they arrived in the middle of the woodland clearing, it didn't take long for Narcolept to conk out. As soon as his head hit the grass, he was out like a light.

Which allowed Charmaine the perfect opportunity to approach his lady love.

“
Snow White!” he exclaimed, popping out of the trees. “I've been waiting for a chance to see you again! My god, you look ravishing!”

When she saw Charmaine, a tiny giggle popped out of her mouth. “Oh, I don't know about that. This dress is old.” She shuffled the tattered hem of her pale blue dress. “And these slippers are almost unwearable!” She held out her foot, which was encased in the dirtiest, dingiest shoe Charmaine had ever laid eyes on.

“
I don't care,” he said. “You could wear anything, and you would always be the most beautiful girl in the world!” Under his breath, he added, “and it would be even better if you wore nothing at all...”

“
Pardon!?'”

Oh dear. She didn't hear that, did she? In the event that she did, Charmaine needed to change the subject. “So, uhhh... Snow! I have a gift for you!” He whipped out his hand from behind his back and presented her with a bright blue flower. “I found a lone flower on my travels. It reminded me of you: a lonely beauty tucked away in the middle of nowhere.”

Snow White accepted the flower with a smile. “Aww. That's sweet.”

“
And look! It even matches your dress! I couldn't have planned it better if I planned it!” Charmaine exclaimed. “That's not to say I didn't put any thought into it at all! I think about romancing you every single minute of every single day.”

“
We've only known each other for two days.”

“
I know! And that means I have been thinking about you for forty-eight hours straight!” He thought he saw Narcolept stirring, so he lowered his voice. “It's not a joke, Snow. I am really quite smitten with you!”

“
You are?”

“
Oh yes! And by the way, did you know you have a stalker?”

Snow White's eyebrows drew together at the bridge of her nose. At first, she thought he was referring to himself.

To clear up any confusion, he said, “A man by the name of Jack Hunter. I don't mean to alarm you, but I saw him in the middle of the night. He was stroking his axe and staring at your bedroom.”

“
Stroking his ass?!”

“
Nooooo!” Charmaine laughed. “He was stroking his
axe
. And thank goodness it was just his axe. I wouldn't have wanted to catch him stroking anything else!”

Snow White popped open her basket's lid and started munching on blueberries. She tried to offer him some, but he politely declined. “Jack Hunter...” she repeated the name. “I know him, and he's always been polite. Are you sure you have the right guy?”

“
Absolutely!”

“
He's stalking me?!”

“
That seems to be the case. He thinks you're his girlfriend and everything!” Charmaine raised an eyebrow. “But we both know that's not true. You're
my
girlfriend. At least... I
think
you're still my girlfriend, are you not?”

“
I want to be your girlfriend.”

“
And I want to be your boyfriend! If we both want the same thing, we should definitely be together!” Charmaine sat on a stump and patted his lap. “Come on. Sit on me.”

“
I don't know...” Snow White touched her cheek, which was burning hot. “What if Narcolept wakes up?”

“
Ehhh... I'd say that's doubtful. He looks pretty tuckered out to me.” Prince Charmaine took a moment to study the fallen dwarf, who started snoring a few moments ago. “Come on, Snow White. I want to get closer to you...”

“
Okay.” Snow White stumbled as she approached him. There was a telltale blush on her cheeks, evidence of his effect on her. When she sat on his knee, she felt like her heart was going to explode. “How's this?”

“
Perfect!” His fingers started toiling in her thick, black hair. He had dreamt of touching those ebony locks, and now his dream was a reality! He leaned forward and breathed her in. “You are
so
beautiful.”

“
You think so?”

“
Yes. Definitely.” He brushed his thumb across her ivory cheek. “I might not be the strongest man in the world, or the bravest man in the world, but--”

“
But you're the handsomest?” Snow White finished his sentence with a giggle.

“
Well, if you think I'm the handsomest, I'm not going to protest.” He gave her a light kiss on the cheek. “But I was going to say... I want to protect you, Snow White. I want to take care of you. I want to be the face you look for in a crowd, the man you turn to for comfort.”

“
Y-you do?”

“
I don't know what it is about you, but I'm drawn to you,” Charmaine said. “And believe me, I've never been more genuine in my life!”

“
I don't know why you'd like me. I'm just some silly, naïve girl who lives in the woods,” she said. “There's nothing special about me whatsoever.”

“
You're wrong. You
are
special.”

“
I'm not special enough to attract a prince. I don't know why you would like me.”

“
Because you're sweet. And innocent. You have the cutest little laugh...” Charmaine tapped her on the nose as he spoke. “And you're gorgeous. And kind. And I'm sure you make a good pie, and that's always a bonus.”

Snow White started giggling again. “I'll have to cook for you someday!”

“
I'm really looking forward to it!”

“
But... oh...” Her laughter subsided, and she looked down at her fidgeting hands. “But you're a prince. You probably have amazing, world-class chefs at your castle. My pies will surely pale in comparison!”

“
Oh, I doubt that!” Charmaine protested. “Because your pies are prepared with love, they'll be the best in the world! My chefs don't love me... at least I don't think they do? In fact, I think one of them might hate me, because he's always giving me evil glances when I walk into the kitchen...”

“
Charmaine.”

It was difficult to get his attention once he got going, but now she had it. “Yes?”

“
I want you to kiss me again.”

Of course, Prince Charmaine couldn't possibly refuse a request by the most beautiful girl in the world. He leaned forward and brushed his lips against hers, sweetly and softly. Then he trailed kisses across her cheeks, which made her shove his head away.

“
Stop that!” she cackled. “That tickles!”

“
It does?” He started bouncing her up and down on his knee, which made her laugh even more. “Ahhh, Snow White. I feel like the luckiest man in the world right now!”

“
And that makes me the luckiest girl!”

Unfortunately, Prince Charmaine's luck was at an end.

“
GIIIIIIT!”

When he heard Bones' thunderous voice, Charmaine practically shoved Snow White off of his lap. The booming voice rattled Narcolept from his sleep, whose head shot up almost immediately.

Bones ran into the clearing. He was waving a rolling pin in the air, and Charmaine knew it was time to go. “I'll see you later, Snow White!” he said, making a dash for the woods.

“
You'll see her NEVER!” Bones shouted. “Git out of here, boy! And don't come back!”

V

Hunter didn't like Prince Charmaine. Hunter didn't like him one bit! Snow White was
his
girl, because he saw her first, and because he was certain they had amazing chemistry. It was true they hadn't spoken more than a dozen words to each other, but it didn't matter. He could see her true feelings in the way she smiled.

He had been watching her for several months now, and he knew all of her likes and dislikes. He knew she liked animals, especially cats, because she was always slipping milk to the kittens in the woods. He knew her hair was curly on the weekends, because she wore her hair in braids at night. He knew she had six dresses, because he had counted them. He knew she did laundry on Wednesdays, and that she liked to paint on Tuesdays.

And, most importantly, he knew she liked apples.

Hunter wasn't going to stand aside and let that awful Prince Charmaine steal her virtue! If Snow White was going to be with anyone, she was going to be with JACK HUNTER and no one else! On a recent trip to the town marketplace, Hunter bought a strange object from a fruit-bearing old crone. According to the old woman, it was a poisonous apple—but not just any kind of poison! This poison would put its victim into a deep sleep, from which they could only be aroused with a kiss.