Rough Trade (29 page)

I decided I was really fucked up and needed to get back to the dorm fast, so I ran all the rest of the way there. When I reached the lobby, panting, my heart racing, I saw a sign for an end-of-term Christmas costume party. That made me feel a little better.

My roommate was out—probably at that costume party. I gathered up all my clothes and went down to the laundry room in the basement of the dorm, where I dumped them in a washer. I took off what I was wearing and threw that in, too.

I was sitting by the washer in a haze when this Chinese kid came in, carrying an armful of dirty clothes. “Dude, you can’t sit there like that,” he said. “You gotta put some clothes on.”

“I put all my clothes in the wash.”

He pulled a pair of shorts from his pile and smelled them. “Here, these are still pretty clean,” he said, tossing them to me. “Put them on.”

I did what he said. “Dude, are you high?” he asked.

I shrugged. I wasn’t sure, I said. He came over and sat down next to me. “I’m going to a Christmas party at eleven,” he said. It was eight then. “So I’ve got three hours. You want to tell me your troubles?”

I did. I started talking about being alone—being gay, being orphaned, being a stranger in Honolulu and not having any friends. Once I started talking, I couldn’t stop. I told him about Tui, about all the hot sex we had, and about the crystal.

“Man, that’s bad stuff,” he said. He told me his name was Jimmy, and he’d fooled around with crystal some. “I was a hooker myself for a while,” he said, in a quiet voice. “When I was sixteen, my dad found out I was gay and kicked me out of the house. I didn’t know where else to go so I went to the beach. This older guy picked me up, promised me he’d take care of me. But I had to help myself, too, he said.”

“He was like your pimp?”

Jimmy nodded. “For like six months, I lived in this crappy old abandoned building, and I picked up men on Kalakaua for sex. Every day I cried and wanted to kill myself, but I didn’t know what else to do.”

“How’d you get out of it?”

“This cop I knew, Kimo. He kept telling me I was a good person. He didn’t lecture me—but it’s like he was the good kind of missionary, the one who shows you a new way of looking at life. He convinced me to go to this gay teen center on Waikiki. They made me feel better. Then he got this old couple he knew to take me in. Sometimes I think about going back, you know; all those men who wanted me. That’s like a drug, too, you know—feeling so sexy, knowing as you walk down the street that men are looking at you, that men want to fuck you. Feeling like an outlaw, like you don’t care about law or anybody else’s morality, that you can fuck any guy you want to, that men will pay for the privilege of fucking your ass or having you suck their dick.”

“Wow,” I said. By then our laundry was finished, and we put everything into the dryers. “You are so awesome.”

Jimmy shrugged. “I’m not awesome at all. I’m just really lucky. Lucky I found somebody who cared enough to help me get back on my feet.” He looked at me. “Say, you want to come to this party tonight? It’s at that gay center in Waikiki. Lots of guys there.”

I just looked at him. I couldn’t believe anybody could be so nice to me. After all, he said he had been a hooker once. Maybe this was just another scam to take advantage of me. “How much is it to go?” I asked.

“Doesn’t cost anything,” he said. “And just so you know, I stopped taking money for sex a long time ago.” He leaned over to me. “But dude, if you’re going to go, you need a shower in the worst way.” He wrinkled up his nose, then he took my hand. “Come on, there’s a shower on the second floor that’s big enough for two. And if you’re lucky, I just might drop my soap and have to bend over.”

I Am Not David

Dan Boyle

I loosen my tank top so it’s not tucked in too tight. I walk toward the back bar.

Marcus is flirting with the bartender. His eyes dart often to the bar back farther back bar back like me once skinny but pumping up. Bill sees me. Raises his beer to acknowledge me. Part of the jocks again. Walk up to them. Confident.

“Hey Dave!” bill looking good lost weight confident so outgoing wish i could be what is he never can understand funny but cant type him while i’m typical bottom “You here alone? Come on! I’ll buy you a beer. Me and Marcus were just telling Bob back here about that whole scene with Vince. You think I did the right thing, going up to him? It’s just it was so obvious that he was trying to psych us out.”

Marcus turns.

“But you know, man, that’s what you got to do. It’s part of the game psyching out the other team. And you do what’s you got to do to win the game. I got no grudgin’ against Vince. He do what he got to do.”

Marcus talks seriously like and then his expression changes so quickly and his cheeks turn rosy and rise as he lets out a big laugh and slaps me in jest, then holds onto my shoulder, his hand squeezing it.

“But you, Bill. Such the diplomat! But whatever. It seemed to work. That’s all I know.”

I laugh. A small laugh wish i could laugh like marcus such a big laugh full of life they think i’m dull want to be bigger than life like marcus and bill

Marcus’s laugh wears down and he looks at me with his rosy smile and penetrating dark brown eyes, then scans down at my bare shoulders, his hand squeezing my muscle.

“Mmm, boy, David, you’ve been working out. I remember you when you was just a little guy. Remember, Bill?”

called me david i’m dave not a faggot like richards and michaels and davids always use their full names i’m a jock

“Mmmm.” Bill lifts his mouth from the foam, picks up the other plastic cup full of beer, and hands it to me. “Yeah, I remember. Ah, to be young again and be able to bulk up so quickly without getting fat.”

“Uh, Marcus, why’d you call me David? I’m not a David.”

sounds so stupid what i said like i have a complex they think me immature marcus widening his eyes in dismay but i’m not david

“I’m sorry…Dave.” He rolls his eyes back and drinks his drink.

“It’s just, my mom and dad call me that, and I never really liked it.”

Marcus rolls his eyes back at me with such intensity.

“Such a sensitive boy we got here? Bill, were you so sensitive when you was young?”

“I’m twenty-eight already. I’m not that young.” thinking me a boy i’m a guy a jock but a pussyboy but they think i’m a boy but should think i’m a man fucking boys myself they think theyre men and i’m not but i’ll show them on the field actions speak louder than words and my actions is i lie down and have a real man get on top and stick his cock deep in me

“I was never sensitive. Life’s too short to take seriously. So I’m just all for having fun. Sensitivity just gets in the way of all that.”

Marcus purses his lips like he always does, his rosy cheeks rising again as he stares at me.

“So, you been hanging out with Jerry a lot? I sees you dressing like him on the field, all sexy like. Looked good. Pretty soon you’ll be on the cover of
Muscle and Fitness,
as long as the straight boys don’t damage you on the field.”

I smile my little smile i’m sure i’m turning red so i drink my beer and turn my head to see who’s here and see that bill is already doing the same and i look away from marcus and over toward the pool table and tall dark and handsome looking my way! In a black tank, that dark black chest hair exposed on the top. Those eyes! Staring me down, undressing me. Pushing me down to suck his cock till I gag!

“I think that guy over there likes you, Dave.”

bills voice reassuring oh could it be the top man i dreamed of but oh so sore still

“Who? That guy?” I look away from him, turning my eyes to Bill. He looks at me with a smile.

“Yeah, that big guy. Hey, he’s sexy.”

fuck me like a pussyboy his slave boy such a man sees me as the bottom that i am
i’m going to fuck you and then we’re going to shave your whole body and then i’m going to pierce your navel and give you a ring branding you as my slave and then i will pick out a special tattoo that shows the world you’re a pussyboy and then you’ll stay up all night with your mouth wrapped around my huge dick and when i wake up i’ll turn you over and fuck you until youre nothing more than one big pussy nellie queen

“No. I don’t think he’s really my type.” throw them off the trail

“Let me see.” Marcus slides between us with his glistening black skin and takes a sip through his straw as if being nonchalant. “My oh my, he be too much for you to handle. Mmm-hmm. Where do you find creatures like that?”

“You think he’s sexy?” asking lets me rethink if he’s my type then they don’t think i see him as top man to fuck me over and over and mom
now you be safe down there okay there’s a lot of crazy people in l.a.

“Sexy? Child, if I got him back to my nest we’d be sweatin’ crazy.”

“He’s real sexy,” Bill affirms with a sly lowering of his brows. “Not the cute type of sexy but the real man type of sexy. But he’s a bit older than you. Looks like his mid-thirties. You like that?”

“Oh, I don’t really have a type” but a dirty sexy top man wanting to fuck me all night i like that type. Shoot! He’s walking down the stairs toward the door!

“Oh well. The night is young!” Bill smiles at me reassuringly. He heaves a breath and looks over at Marcus. “When you thinking about moving on to Axis?”

“I’m ready. There’s no good pieces here. You wanna come, Dave?”

not givin up yet that real man might still be here fuck if he left but want to look longer just in case

“I might meet you guys there in a little while. I thought I’d just check it out here a while longer.”

“Man, there’s nothin’ here ’xcept Bob the bartender and the cute little bar back, and they’re off-limits.”

Bill swallows the rest of his beer and gives me a hug and then Marcus gives me a hug and they leave and I’m left here alone with my beer and i start looking toward the back bathroom thinking maybe he just went back there or maybe he left seeing me with marcus and bill and he sees them leave without me and he decides then to come back in knowing now i’m alone and he looks me over with his dark eyes and says he wants to fuck me all night long and not the type that mom and dad has hoped for and dad
now theres that angie a pretty gal and dutch reformed as well she seems to really have taken a liking to you
and i could be just like my brother with a pretty housewife and two sons and a ranch and respect from his community just like dad and mom but they were the football stars learned from god family and team and dad didnt care i made second team all league shortstop because baseballs a sissy sport anyway but i am a sissy and where is that real top man who wants to fuck me all night long

“Hey.”

Someone talking to me. I turn around. The man! Looking at me with undressing eyes. Short black hair and stubble. Kirk Douglas chin. A real man how i’m shaking the beer laps over the cup and spills on my knuckles he thinks i’m a sissy i am a sissy

“Hi!” I look away. Drink my beer. Shaking. Knowing his eyes still on me.

“I see your two friends left. You not going with them?”

I look up but scared look down drink my beer just what i thought psychic magic

“I might join them later. I actually just bumped into them here.” oh god he knows i’m alone looking for some dick a dick like his want to look down probably big and throbbing out of his jeans ready to open up and jam it into my throat

“So you just came out by yourself. Me, too.”

He’s forcing me to look at him but i will be lost up into those eyes he’ll know what i want i’ll succumb become his total bottom pussyboy

I look up. I’m melting into his eyes. He smiles on one side. Ohhh. Then he takes a step up. I look down. It’s bulging. He looks down. It’s bulging. He puts his hand on my shoulder.

“Looks like you do some serious weight training.”

He squeezes. I shake as I drink my beer gulp it down

“Yeah, a bit.”

“A real muscle boy, ay?” His smile so sly moving so fast like a real man knowing what he wants what i want knowing i’m a gym queen

“Well, you see, I play football and so I need to work out.” show him i’m a man myself but why he wants a fucking queen or does he want a man to fuck and turn into his pussyboy showing he can transform me he is the master

“Football, ay? I guess I didn’t expect that.”

oh he thinks I’m a pussyboy!

“Yeah, those were my friends from my team. Marcus and Bill. We start playing in a league next Saturday. A straight league. We just had our last practice.” gossiping like a little girl trying to make him realize i’m a real man oh that smile he’s checking me all out so sinister like

“So…” he steps closer, “what position do you play? Are you a receiver?”

Receiver?

“You mean on the team?” of course he means on the team setting up a fall ooh my ass hurts he’s going to fuck me i’m the receiver oh he caught my panic moving closer looking down at me that dirty sly smile

“I expect you’re a receiver.”

throw him off “Well, we all play receivers, except for the quarterback and running back, that is. It’s mostly a passing game. Only one rusher is allowed.”