Route 66 Reunions (61 page)

“You running from a little water?” Chad appeared in the dining room doorway with a wide grin.

Kara had been crawling across the living room floor, but now stopped and sat watching her. She squealed and clapped her hands. “Mama.”

Amanda’s mouth fell open as she looked at Chad.

He laughed. “Sounds like you got promoted. Hey, stay there by the door. I want you to see this.”

With a couple of long strides, he crossed the floor and picked Kara up. He carried her to the opposite side of the living room from Amanda and knelt. Standing Kara in front of him, he said, “Now hold out your hands and see if she’ll come to you.”

Amanda’s heart pounded. Kara could walk? She’d been close several times, but Amanda hadn’t let her go for selfish reasons. Walking turned a baby into a toddler, and she didn’t know if she was ready to lose her baby. As if Kara would ever be hers. Chad obviously had no such qualms.

She did as Chad asked and crouched down about six feet from them with her hands reaching. “Come here, Kara. Come to Manda.”

Kara squealed again and stiffened in Chad’s hands before taking a tentative step forward. He loosened his hold and, keeping his hands a few inches to either side of her, followed her as she took several more steps before wobbling.

He started to catch her, but she plopped to the floor with a wide grin and crawled rapidly the rest of the way into Amanda’s hands. Amanda caught her up into her arms and held her close for a kiss. She blinked her eyes. “You’re such a big girl. If I cry it’s only because I can’t stand the thought of you getting all grown up.”

She looked up to see Chad watching them with an almost smile on his face. Their eyes caught and held. He lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “You could watch her grow up, you know.”

Tears rushed to her eyes and she brushed them away, breaking contact with him. “No, Chad. Don’t say that. You have a life in Rockford. My job is here. In four short weeks you’ll be gone.”

“What about Friday night?” He hesitated. “Did you ask your mom?”

She nodded.

“And?”

She sighed and, after another hug, set Kara down beside her toys. “I talked to her and told her my concerns. She suggested I pray about everything, which I did.”

When she didn’t continue, Chad said, “So you think God cares who you date? Marriage, maybe—and yeah, I admit I want to marry you, Mandy—but Friday is just a date. That’s all I’m asking right now. Just some time to talk and be together without distractions.”

Tears threatened. Amanda hated crying just as she hated the conflict his confession placed on her. Her heart leaped at the thought of being Chad’s wife and Kara’s mother then sank with a burden of regret because she couldn’t. She pulled a tissue from the box on the coffee table and dabbed her eyes.

“You want to go, don’t you?” He knew her too well.

She nodded but wouldn’t look at him.

“Then why won’t you?”

Her head jerked up as her eyes met his frowning but beloved face. She kept her voice soft for Kara’s sake. “Don’t you understand how torn inside I am? I can’t go with my feelings, Chad. I have to do what’s right. I have to let you both go.”

“I don’t see that, Mandy. We’re two halves of a whole that need to be back together. You can’t tell me your life is complete without me. I won’t believe you. I know mine isn’t and never has been. Without you, I’m only existing.”

“Without Christ, you are only existing. I can’t make you complete, Chad. Only Jesus Christ can do that. Do you know Him as your personal savior?”

There. She’d laid everything out before him. She hadn’t intended to, but maybe the timing was more right than she knew. She waited while a muscle twitched in his jaw.

He shook his head. “Now you sound like Jessica. When we were kids, I went to church as much as she did. So I got away from all that for a while. I’ve always tried to live right and treat everyone the way I wanted to be treated. I messed up with Susan. I admit that, but does that make me so bad? I asked your forgiveness. What more do you want, Amanda? A full confession of everything I’ve ever done?”

She shook her head while his words added weight to her heart. “No I don’t, Chad. God does. ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.’ First John 1:9.”

He gave a short laugh and spoke under his breath. “So now I’m unrighteous.”

Amanda didn’t know what to say. She breathed a quick prayer for guidance, but Chad spoke first.

He stood and glanced out the window. “You know I don’t think the rain’s going to let up anytime soon. Maybe we need some time apart. I’ve got things covered here, so if you want to go home, that’s fine.”

He was angry with her. The muscle in his jaw stayed clenched. But he was right, too. They did need time apart. She’d messed everything up by her impulsive attempt to witness to him. As soon as she got home, if she didn’t start crying and feeling sorry for herself, she’d spend some serious time in prayer.

She stood, too. “I think you’re right. I’m sorry if I said anything to offend you, but what I said was the truth. I do love you, but God loves you so much more.”

“Yeah, sure Amanda. I know. I’m not a stranger to church or the Bible.” His cell phone rang and he jerked it from his pocket. “Hello?” He walked through the dining room into the kitchen, leaving Kara on the floor.

Amanda decided she’d better stay and keep an eye on Kara until he returned, so she sank to the sofa to wait.

Within a few minutes he was back, and his eyes widened when he looked at her. “I’m glad you waited. That was a real estate agent in Rockford. She’s found a couple of houses she thinks I might like, so I’ve decided to go back early.”

Amanda straightened. “What do you mean? Are you buying a house up there?”

He shrugged. “Yeah, I thought about it. There won’t be enough room in my one-bedroom apartment for Kara. A house may be more than we need now, but I probably should get up there and get things settled before school.”

Amanda stood. “I see. When are you leaving?”

“By noon tomorrow.”

His answer hit her like a blow to the stomach. Why so soon? To get away from her of course.

“Please, may I come back tomorrow to tell Kara good-bye?”

He looked from her to the baby who crawled over and pulled up on his leg. He picked her up, and Amanda knew she was no longer needed. He’d the same as said so. Still she needed that last few minutes with them both before they left. Even if they couldn’t be in her life, she would love them both forever.

He nodded. “Sure. We didn’t get everything packed up, but I don’t imagine it’s necessary yet. Not many people want to buy a house that’s in the path of tornadoes, so I doubt it’ll sell too soon.”

“You may be right.” Amanda gave Kara a quick kiss and hug before she turned back to the door and this time went outside. Chad didn’t follow her, but she heard Kara’s voice calling, “Mama.”

Chad stood where she’d left him, aching for her. He held Kara close and patted her back as she continued calling for “Mama.”

What’d she been talking about, anyway? Saying he needed to tell God everything he’d ever done. In the first place, God already knew everything. In the second place, the only really bad thing he’d ever done was believe Susan and give in to her seduction when he missed Amanda so much he couldn’t think straight. God knew he was sorry for that.

He made a disgusted sound and turned to the kitchen. “How would you like to have a cracker?”

He put Kara in her high chair and gave her a graham cracker. Thankful when she took it and her tears for Amanda stopped, he turned to the kitchen cabinets. After several minutes of opening and closing doors and drawers, he turned away. Everything looked fine where it was. He took Kara out of the high chair, gave her another cracker, and went to the back of the house where Amanda had some things boxed up. Might as well see what was in them before he took them to storage. He needed to find a real estate agent and list the farm anyway.

While Kara played on the floor and smeared her cracker all over her face and clothes, he opened boxes. Two held quilts he figured his sister had made. He’d keep those. The third box was heavy. There were some novels on top and a few cookbooks. He set them aside and pulled out a picture album. With dread and curiosity mingling, he opened the cover and leaned back against the wall as memories rose from the pages. He recognized Jessica’s handwriting where she’d labeled each picture.

She must have gotten Mom’s albums because the first page held their baby pictures. His and Jessica’s. Until that moment he hadn’t realized how much Kara looked like her mother. There were pictures of his dad and mom. One must have been taken on Easter Sunday because all four of them were dressed especially nice as they stood outside the little country church they’d attended before they moved to town after Dad died.

He turned the pages and felt more alone than he ever had in his life. His eyes burned, and he fought the emotions he’d put down for so long. He wanted to push the album away, but the pictures called to him until he couldn’t. By the time he reached Jessica and Steve’s wedding pictures, his heart seemed to have grown double its normal size and was just as heavy. Mom looked happy.

He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. She’d died two months later. Cancer crept in and took her life. Silent tears slid down his face. He turned another page and there was Jessica in the hospital with newborn Kara in her arms and Steve holding them both close. Their faces shone with wonder and love for the gift they held, for Kara truly was a precious gift from God. Theirs for ten months. Already they’d been gone almost two months.

A tear dropped to the page beside the picture, so he closed the book, letting it slide from his lap. Another tear fell and then another. He bowed his head as his heart burst with sorrow and loss. Deep sobs of grief such as he had never cried before tore from him. He cried for his dad and his mom. He cried for Jessica and Steve, and he cried for Amanda. For the love they once had, but lost. For the second chance he’d somehow blown without knowing how or why.

He cried until he felt a weight on his leg, and his sweet child climbed on his lap. She patted his face and said, “Dada?” Her innocence and acceptance of him brought a fresh wave of tears, only silent now. Then she cried, too. Not so silently. He hugged her close and patted her back while his tears stopped falling. He wiped his face with his shirtsleeve and took a deep breath. He hadn’t cried like that in years. In fact, maybe never. He hoped never again.

He got up and took Kara to the kitchen where he fixed her a bottle of milk using only one hand. She latched on to her bottle and lay back in his arms with her eyes drooping. He grinned. “Looks like we’ve got a date with a rocking chair, little girl.”

The early morning sun reflected from a real estate sign on the edge of Chad’s property as Amanda drove past. She gripped the steering wheel.
Lord, why? Why did You bring us back together and then tear us apart? If Chad was a Christian
,
he’d have said so yesterday. Instead he got angry. “In all things God works for the good of those who love him.” Let this be one of those things. Please Lord, even if Chad and I can’t be together, at least bring him to You
.

Amanda knocked on the door and heard Chad call out, “Come on in.”

She found Kara playing with some toys in the middle of the floor. The little girl squealed when she saw her and crawled to meet her. Amanda scooped her up and gave her a hug. “I missed you, sweetie. One day away from you and I can’t wait to be back. What will I do after today?”

She looked up to find Chad’s gaze on her. He didn’t speak but turned away, picked up a couple of boxes, and walked out the door with them. While she played with Kara, he made several trips from the bedrooms to his truck. Not once did he speak, and she didn’t try to get him to. Finally he stood in the doorway watching her and Kara play with a toy telephone. She sat back on her heels on the floor and looked up at him.

“Soon as I lock up the house, I’m ready to go.” No emotion moved across his face.

“All right.” She stood and picked Kara and her telephone up. “I’ll buckle Kara in for you. Do you have a bottle for her? Diapers and wipes handy? It’s a long drive.”