Route 66 Reunions (58 page)

“Oh Chad.” Tears burned Amanda’s eyes while she longed to gather the little girl close. “I can’t do this. She’s so precious.”

“Why don’t we get married, Mandy?” Chad drew her attention to him. “It makes sense. The love is still there for me, and I think for you, too.”

A tear rolled down her cheek. She caught Kara to her and held her as if she were a shield against Chad’s love. She whispered, “But love isn’t enough.”

“Are you saying you do love me?” He lifted Kara’s hand and rubbed his thumb against the back of it. “Or is your love only for her?”

Kara laid her head on Amanda’s shoulder as if she didn’t want to leave her safe haven, but she didn’t pull her hand from Chad’s. He spoke quietly. “Mandy, please answer me.”

Her eyes met his and held. What could she say that he would understand and accept? Could she tell him that God had been impressing upon her the importance of being equally yoked with a believer? He’d think she hadn’t forgiven him for what Susan did. He’d take offense if she implied he wasn’t a Christian.

“I love you both, but marriage for the wrong reasons would be a mistake. I can’t do that.” She started toward the back of the house. “I think you’re right about Kara being sleepy. It’s early, but I’ll get her ready for bed, and then I need to go home. Can you please bring a fresh bottle for her?”

Chad’s hand dropped as Amanda moved away. She felt his gaze until she entered Kara’s bedroom. He didn’t follow her and she was glad. He didn’t know how close to giving in to his suggestion of marriage she had come. But if this was God’s second chance for them, He would have to let her know without doubt. Right now she didn’t understand why she and Chad had been thrown back together, but she didn’t think marriage was the answer. As much as she wished.

She grabbed the things she needed for Kara’s bath then afterward carried her back to the bedroom in a large fluffy towel. Bath time had always been one of her pleasures of motherhood. Charity had always smelled so sweet and became especially cuddly after a bath while she rocked her to sleep. Kara was no different. They settled into the rocking chair with the bottle Chad had left in easy reach, and within minutes, the baby’s eyes drifted closed. When Amanda knew she was truly asleep, she set the bottle aside and settled her in her bed with a kiss. She tugged the quilt in place and went back to the living room.

Chad stood when she entered. “Is she asleep?”

Amanda nodded and handed him the empty bottle, not sure of her voice.

“If I offended you, I’m sorry.” Chad set the bottle on the table and followed her outside. The sun had moved beyond the western horizon, but its light still lingered.

She turned and smiled at him. “No, you honored me by your offer. I just think we should remain friends for now. So much happened to us that I didn’t even know until you told me. I want to help you with Kara. You need to take care of her. I apologize for taking over just now. I wasn’t thinking.”

He frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Putting her to bed. That’s an excellent time for you to bond with her.” She reached her car and turned to face him. “Take her from her bed as soon as she wakes in the morning. Be cheerful and don’t let her know she scares you. You’ll soon have her going to you first before anyone else.”

A quick laugh tore from Chad. “I doubt that. She hates me now so…”

He didn’t finish his sentence, but Amanda understood his concern. She touched his hand. “It won’t take long, Chad. Babies have short memories, and she’ll forget quickly enough that you were once scared of her when you start acting confident around her.”

“I’m not afraid of her.” He growled the words.

She suppressed the urge to laugh. “Of course not, but sometimes the weak can be just as frightening as the strong. Especially when we care, and I know you love Kara.”

He nodded. “What time will you be here tomorrow?”

“Probably not before eight, but I’ll come as soon as I can.” She touched his arm. “You’ll be fine. Just remember, she doesn’t break that easily and a few tears won’t hurt her. Let her know you love her. That’s all she wants.”

He took a step toward her. She didn’t have to guess what he wanted. Her breath caught in her throat as he touched her arms and drew her closer. His head lowered and she forgot to breathe as their lips touched.

Amanda arrived at the farm Tuesday morning to the sound of Kara crying. Not bothering to knock, she rushed to the kitchen where she found Chad walking the floor with the unhappy baby.

“What’s wrong?” No blood poured from any cut or scrape she could see. She touched the back of Kara’s head to check for a bump.

Kara’s wails changed to, “Manmaa.”

As she reached toward Amanda, Chad said, “She isn’t hurt. She hates me is all.”

“Oh that’s ridiculous.”

At that moment, Kara leaned and Chad thrust her toward Amanda. She caught the little girl in her arms and brought her close.

“You love Uncle Chad, don’t you?”

Kara’s answer was a hiccupping sob as she laid her head against Amanda’s neck.

In the silence, Chad smirked, his eyebrows lifted as if he knew best. “What’d I say? Look at her, Mandy. I tried. I got her out of bed and changed her diaper. She cried through the whole ordeal, so I brought her in here thinking she might be hungry.” He waved a hand at an untouched bowl of oatmeal on her high chair tray. “I couldn’t even get her in that thing. She kept arching her back and screaming. I think she was calling for you. But I can’t tell if it’s Momma or Manda.”

Amanda patted Kara’s back. If this weren’t so serious, she’d laugh. But something had to be done. Chad couldn’t parent Kara if she wouldn’t let him. What could they do?

“I’ve had it.” He started toward the door. “The barn raising is Saturday. I’ve got work to do outside.”

“Wait.” Amanda grabbed his arm. “Let’s eat breakfast together. I’m hungry and I assume you haven’t eaten yet either.”

He hesitated, eyed the oatmeal he’d left on the counter, and shrugged with a sigh. “All right.”

“Can you help me get Kara in her chair?” Amanda stood in front of the high chair and tried to look helpless. “Pull the tray out, please.”

She set his niece in the chair and backed away. “Thanks. I’ll get the oatmeal while you snap her into place.”

When no tears erupted, Amanda congratulated herself. Then reality hit. Kara would still be crying if she wasn’t there. She had to help them come together and depend on each other, because soon Chad would take Kara to Rockford and they’d have to get along without her. She’d have to get along without them. Unexpected emotion blocked her throat.

To hide her feelings and keep tears from forming, Amanda busied herself with the oatmeal. She dropped bread in the toaster and got margarine and jelly from the refrigerator then filled two glasses with milk.

Chad pulled a chair up to the high chair and held the spoon of oatmeal up to Kara’s mouth. Amanda held her breath when Kara let him feed her. Chad’s eyes met hers and his eyebrows lifted, but he didn’t speak and neither did she.

After they ate breakfast, Amanda took Kara outdoors to watch Chad finish mowing around the barn foundation. She and Kara sat on the back deck where they’d be a safe distance from the mower and the loud noise it made, but where they could see. Amanda held Kara’s hands and “walked” around the deck several times before Amanda grew tired. After they sat in a lounge chair and played patty-cake and peekaboo, Amanda stood with Kara and pointed toward Chad.

“Look at Uncle Chad, sweetie pie. See how he’s working to fix your home?” She kissed the baby’s cheek. “Uncle Chad loves you. He’s a little scared of you because he’s a big, strong man and you’re a little, tiny girl. That just means he’s afraid he’ll hurt you, not that he really will. I want you to stop crying when you’re with Uncle Chad. Can you do that?”

Kara turned from watching the mower to look into Amanda’s face with a serious expression. Amanda wondered how much an eleven-month-old child could understand. All at once Kara squealed and waved her arms, laughing as if in agreement. Then she said, “Manmaa.”

Amanda held the sweet child tight and wished she had the right to be called Momma. She turned away from the railing. Kara might be calling for Jessica, or she might be saying Amanda, but she certainly wasn’t calling her Momma. She might as well accept that fact. There was no reason she would.

After a while Amanda lowered Kara into her playpen. Shade from the house and a gentle breeze kept them cool. A couple of toys, including a favorite homemade rag doll, occupied Kara’s attention until her eyelids lowered and she went to sleep. Amanda covered her with a thin sheet as a barrier to insects and picked up the rag doll. The cloth doll, dressed in an old-fashioned pinafore dress, had bright blue eyes embroidered on its smiling face. Someone had spent a lot of time on Kara’s doll. Probably Jessica. She’d always liked to sew. The stack of quilts in her closet testified to that as did several tiny dresses with smocking and embroidery that must have been done by hand. A sharp pang of loss hit Amanda. She laid the doll back in the playpen beside Kara.

Whether her talk with Kara made a difference, or Chad’s breakfast feeding success Tuesday morning encouraged him, Amanda didn’t know. Throughout the week she insisted he bathe the little one and put her to bed. After that first time, she saw a difference in Chad first and Kara second. He became more confident as he held and played with his niece. By Friday he no longer held her as if he might let go of her any second. Instead he wrapped his arms around her, squeezing and nuzzling her soft neck to her delight.

Amanda stood at the door while Chad kissed Kara good night and tucked her into bed. He turned with a smile. “Your turn.”

She hesitated. She shouldn’t have a turn. She didn’t belong. No matter how much she loved them, they weren’t hers to love. Only she did. Deeply.

She crossed the room to the crib and looked down at Kara. Chad slipped his arm around her waist.
Father, thank You for the love I had with Jeff and Charity. And thank You for Chad and Kara. I know they aren’t mine to love, but I do love them. With all my heart
. She bent forward and placed a kiss on Kara’s forehead then lifted the bed railing into place. Together she and Chad left the room.

“Tomorrow’s the big day.” Chad spoke as soon as they reached the living room. “Pastor Mattson said they’d be here by eight.”

Amanda smiled at him. “Kind of exciting isn’t it? It’ll be like a trip back into the old days when people helped each other and had fun doing it.”

“Yeah, a barn raising was a big event back then, but I consider it a big event now, too.” He pulled her down to sit on the sofa beside him. “I love the smell of cinnamon and spices from your baking today. Makes it seem like a real home.”

“You can make a real home for Kara, Chad.”

His arm tightened around her shoulders, but he didn’t carry the thought further. “I’ve got the lumber we need. I hope. Not to mention hardware and tools.”

“The men will bring tools.” She laughed. “And a lot of know-how. Our church is blessed with carpenters, one professional. We have a plumber and an electrician. I’d say we’re pretty set.”

“I guess so.” As they leaned against the sofa, his arm still circled her shoulders.

She wanted to snuggle into the warmth of his side but stood instead. “I’ve got to get home while there’s still daylight to see the way.”

Chad laughed and stood, too. “Just because we’re planning an activity that would fit better in the nineteenth century doesn’t mean you’re driving a buggy. Your car has headlights, doesn’t it? Can’t you stay a little longer?”

Amanda looked away from the pleading in his eyes. The longing he might see reflected in her eyes if she looked at him.

She took a step toward the door and laughed. “I’ve been here every day this week. Isn’t that enough? You’ll get tired of me soon.”

“No I won’t.” Chad followed her to the door and caught her arm before she had it open. “I love you, Mandy. I’ve never stopped and I—”

“No.” She swung to face him. “You can’t say those things. We can’t feel them. There’s still too much between us.”

He brushed wetness from her cheeks before she knew she was crying. “What? I see two hearts longing to beat as one. That would be us, Mandy, if you’d allow it to be. It once was that way. Remember?”

His arms enfolded her as she wept against his chest. His voice rumbled in her ear. “We had what other people envied. Maybe that’s what tore us apart. Envy. Deception. But that’s past now, Mandy. It’s time to take back what we lost. Don’t you believe in second chances?”

She nodded and looked up at him. “Of course. God has given us each a second chance. Oh Chad. That’s what life is all about.”

“Sure, but I’m talking about us. We need this chance to make things right. How about it?”

Why couldn’t he understand he needed a chance to make his life right before God? How could she tell him without implying he wasn’t good enough? If she said the wrong thing, she could easily drive him away from God.
Lord
,
help me
. She shook her head. “I can’t, Chad. Not now. Maybe not ever. So much has happened. To you. To me.”

His bitterness toward God isn’t all of it. I have problems, too
. Her eyes burned again with unshed tears. How could their lives ever be renewed when so much had been taken from them? How could she offer herself to Chad with the ugly scars of her infertility standing between them?