Running Shoes (The Shades of Northwood) (14 page)

“You will
forget and you will be scared but why did you cry?”

“Because I was
sad and angry and if it wasn’t tears, it’d be blood.”

“Exactly. You
can take anything the world throws at you and then just cry the
hurt away.”

“But it doesn’t
go away,” she told him. “Not ever. It gets worse and it doesn’t
stop. I want it all to go away.” She looked at him – at the fingers
of one hand scratching his head and frowning, eyes unfocused as
thought considering some otherworldly possibilities, and then his
hair brushed backwards and exposed a perfectly round blemish almost
dead centre of his forehead, the skin slightly darker than the rest
of his face. Katie reached up and brushed her fingers over it,
marvelling that his skin felt so cool and dry in the muggy early
evening. Then she leaned close and touched his cheek with her lips.
It felt like laying a kiss on crepe paper. She pulled back,
shocked. “I don’t… I’m not… that wasn’t like me.”

“Everything you
do is right, Lady Katie. I wish that mattered more.” He turned to
her and moved around until he was kneeling in front of her. “You’re
amazing and beautiful and fabulous and-“

Katie held up
her hand to stop him. “I think the flattery’s meant to come before
I invite you into my room.” She must have invited him up, right?
She didn’t remember it but parts of her memory seemed to be fading
away with those blade sharp eyes slicing through the brain. “Tell
me what happened.”

And there it
was. That flicker of uncertainty she had seen on Jaye earlier today
only this one… the doubts dancing behind his eyes felt older.
Doubts about secrets she may never know could not have feelings
attached to them but, one way or another, these did. And Jack, for
his part, looked as though he was truly wrestling with the part of
him that wanted to talk and the part that knew he really shouldn’t.
Finally, he gave in.

“You’ll forget
this anyway.” That seemed to cut deep and she thought she saw his
bottom lip quiver as though he had his own tears hidden very deep
inside. So deep they just could not come out. “Many years ago –
when I was just a bit older than you – I lived in America. There
were two guys havin’ a fight in some bar and then it spilled
outside where I was. They pulled guns and I got in the way.” He
looked up at Katie, wondering if she believed history. “It was a
long time ago. But I remember every little thing like it was
yesterday and I… I’m sorry.”
I’m sorry everything I just told
you was a lie. I’m sorry I can’t even let you hold on to that
little piece of me. I’m sorry no-one ever told you why all this
hurt came to you. I’m sorry I can only make you forget one thing.
I’m sorry that one thing is me.

Jack took her
hand and then balanced it on his shoulder and held it there. Then,
as she watched him, Jack grasped her face and crushed his lips down
on hers with such urgency Katie thought her heart might stop.
“Jack, stay with me,” she murmured against him, managing to get her
words out without her lips ever leaving his. It felt like this had
all happened before. It felt like another goodbye. Why did she feel
like that? Katie opened her mouth and let his tongue explore
inside. He was almost shy about it but Katie, on nothing but
instinct, went first and tasted his mouth, marvelling of how it
could be so urgent and gentle, hot yet cool, familiar yet new and
thrilling and all at the same time. Katie had no explanations for
letting him go. She knew she didn’t want to. She knew he didn’t
either. But, one moment, she was kissing him, this beautiful boy
who she had met just twice – though she felt she had known him for
much longer – and the next the pressure on her lips had gone.

Frowning, she
opened her eyes and glanced up. A young man in a cowboy had was
staring at her with bright green eyes from opposite where she was
sitting on her bed. “Who are you?”

He smiled at
her a little bit sadly, stroked her face. Katie grinned back, not
quite sure why she was not screaming blue murder, and let her eyes
flutter shut. Had she been tired earlier? Somewhere in the frayed
edges of her consciousness she felt rather than heard him breathe
the words, “remember me, Lady Katie,” into her neck and then
everything was gone.

Some time
later, when it was getting dark but still light enough and just
about warm enough to be called evening, Katie opened her eyes wide,
as if waking suddenly from a wonderful dream which had held her
tight and snug in its; grasp, and swung her legs off the bed. She
recalled touching something before – her hand still held the
sensation of skin on skin- and noticed a rumple in the sheets she
lay on. Voices were still coming from the garden and she jumped
down the stairs.

“You think I’m
brilliant at barbecue. Admit it. Go on, there’s no shame inletting
a guy be better than you.”

“Except for the
actual shame of letting you be better.”

Katie
recognised Adam and Lainy squabbling again. But she also heard
I
love you really
and
as if you’re better
in their
voices.

“Lainy, don’t
tell him he’s talented. We can barely get his head through the
front door as it is,” laughed Jaye. “Besides, that would be
lying.”

“Hey, little
white lies are good for my fragile ego.”

“That’s a
dirty, great black lie.”

“Hmm… Yeah, I
think I’m okay with those too.”

“For God’s
sake!” Jaye chucked a wad of napkins at him and flumped down on the
edge of the wall. “Oh, hey stranger.”

“The food’s
mostly gone but I’m sure there’s some burgers still knocking around
the freezer,” Lainy told her, almost apologetically. “But Dina and
Leo are on the beer run. I could ask them to pick something
up.”

There was a
bowl of salad on one of the tables which looked as though it had
been hardly touched. She picked up some cutlery and headed for it.
“I guess I fell asleep.”

CHAPTER
EIGHT

The next couple
of days passed relatively smoothly. Katie and Leo tried to stay out
of each others’ way as much as possible. Lainy and Adam tried to
make it easy for her to talk to them, without saying as much, if
she wanted. She didn’t. Jaye dragged Dina out of the house and down
to the track on the pretext of watching Katie train – it later
transpired that she had a deep crush on one of the coaches. She
found the campus bookshop and bought the course texts she didn’t
think she could afford to go without. Budgeting was going to be a
bit of a challenge without a job. Katie also started jogging
through the old town, never straying too far from the main road but
always mindful of that lonely dirt track that seemed to go on for
miles to Millford, just begging to be run on. She challenged her
housemates to a Scrabble tournament but only Lainy and Leo could
spare the time to join in and then it didn’t seem like that great
an idea. The student medical centre registered Katie as their
patient and filled out her prescription although it was a week into
September – late enough in the year that she probably wouldn’t need
it. She even threw open her window and door, set her stereo to
somewhere around deafening and began to make her room feel more
like her own. In fact, Katie did anything she could think of to
avoid being alone with her thoughts. It was like trying to outrun a
timebomb.

As Sunday night
grew late and Katie felt her eyelids drooping, she thought once
more about the race she was preparing for. She wanted to come in
the first wave of racers but she had no idea what the pace would be
like. A few miles back at her old school had always been easy,
occasionally too easy, and she had often placed in the top three.
Even running for herself or in other races, winning or finishing in
the first ten – even against adults – had been an almost constant
occurrence. But against new competitors, some of whom were
professional athletes, she wasn’t so sure. Jaye had told her that
scholarships were rare and she knew the scout must haveseen some
kind of spark in her…

“Why are we
watching this crap?” asked Jaye, cradling a textbook she was
pretending to study from. She had a pen and paper handy to makes
notes with but Katie had seen her do little more than doodle.
“Anyone?”

Lainy tried not
to smile at the girl, did a bad job.

“Please,” Jaye
went on. “There has to be a reason.”

“Now you know
Adam likes his medical dramas.” Lainy leaned out of his arms and
stage whispered, “Thinks they’re educational.”

“Give me people
dying of rare tropical diseases or explosive diarrhoea over a
pulled hamstring or broken finger any day.”

“I was hoping
you’d grown out of that.” Jaye slammed her book shut and opened her
constant companion – cheese puffs. She offered them around but
Katie had already grown sick of the smell of them. “I know, I know,
everyone’s gotta die somehow but honestly..? It’s never that
exciting.”

“You’re telling
me dying of some Siberian mega worm that invades your lower
intestine wouldn’t be a hell of a way to go?”

“Well, it’d
definitely be interesting.”

Lainy turned
away from the girls and snuggled up to her fiancé. “I’ll go back to
the shops tomorrow.”

“Why?”

“Get you some
worming tablets.”

“Nice to be
appreciated.”

“Take your
shirt off Ad, and I’ll show you appreciation.”

Katie laughed.
“I’m agreeing with her.”

“You horny
little things only want me for my body.”

“Duh!”

“Lose the six
pack, the massive guns, the Superman tat right on the flex of your
bicep, I could go on… but I won’t. The ego thing, you know.” Katie
glanced over at her friend, suddenly sheepish, not knowing just
why. “I’m shy with men, not blind.”

“You noticed? I
thought you were so stressed over hurting your uncle that night
that you never even noticed me,” Adam said, meaning the night he’d
arrived in the kitchen half-dressed.

“It’s weird. I
didn’t pay that much attention or anything but I keep remembering
things. Just like flashes and stuff. I’m not real sure why.”

Lainy threw an
arm out to Katie and waggled her fingers. After a second, she put
her hand through hers and let Lainy hold it for a few seconds,
squeezing it and rubbing a thumb over her knuckles almost as if
holding hands would take her stress away. Katie, before she could
stop herself – though she doubted she would have – got up and
walked over to sit herself on the floor at the couples’ feet,
nestled between two sets of legs. No-one seemed to think it a
strange action, though anyone who didn’t know the things Katie had
seen might wonder why a grown girl still needed a cuddle.

“I think
there’s something wrong with me. I sort of know most stuff, I
remember bits here and there but there’s something… I don’t know,
missing. And then I try to think about that because I know it’ll
come if I try hard enough. But it’s just not there.”

A silence
descended for a few minutes, total but for the inane chatter of
some TV show no-one was watching any more. All the while, Katie
kept a grip of Lainy, noting how she never let go either. Perhaps
the older girl needed this contact just as much as she did. A good
hand-holding session and a hug in silence did more good than words
ever could. The police, the hospital, her parents – they had all
thought talking would fix it all. They asked questions, she
answered. They told her to externalise, to pour her heart out but
how? Did she talk to trusted tutors at her old school – ‘hi, I’m
Katie and I was raped. Wanna chat?’ No, of course not. They asked
question, she answered. They begged, she didn’t speak. Nobody
listened. They heard but never really understood. How could they?
But somebody had. Not about the attack, not about that, but about
the not talking. Some-one had held her and let her cry and never
asked a thing. Katie remembered that. She just didn’t know who it
was. Who-ever it was had found a way to chase those teardrops far
away because she would surely still be crying in her room if they
hadn’t.

Those thoughts
were suddenly broken by a thin black coat flying across the room to
land on Jaye’s lap. She picked it up and looked at it
questioningly, as though it had flown towards her of its’ own
volition. Katie covered her mouth with one hand to stifle a giggle.
The idea was just absurd enough to take her away from her reality
for a moment and into a flash of flying jacket fantasy.

Dina, silent
until now, said one word. “Pub.”

“It’s
late.”

“It’s not like
you need the beauty sleep.” Dina reached out and started pulling on
her friend’s pale arm. “Come on, I wanna go get drunk.”

“Guys?” Jaye
let Dina drag her over to the door.

“You’re on your
own, Little Miss Ego Bruiser,” Adam told her and waved
cheerfully.

“Besides, we
need to talk,” said Dina. To say there was a conversation behind
those four words would have been an understatement. Some unspoken
meaning hung heavy in the air for long minutes after the pair had
bundled out. The two adults seemed as though they were in on this
secret but Lainy covered it up almost too smoothly by ragging on
Adam for his choice in shows. It was a mystery – one that Katie
would shut away to think about another time. There were too many
things that were more important at the moment.

The flickering
TV had made her feel quite sleepy. “How can those two go out
drinking at…” Katie glanced at her watch, “nearly ten o’clock.”

“This is normal
operating hours for most students. You’ll get used to it.”

“Not me. This
girl still has a bedtime.”

“This girl
still has a teddy bear by her pillow.”

Adam nodded.
“It’s true. I get so very lonely at night.”

“Am I meant to
be feeling sorry for you?” Lainy asked him. “You know, Mr Tedward
doesn’t rob the covers, snore or-“