Sacred Influence
Praise for
Sacred Influence
God has given godly women a wonderful power to influence and encourage their husbands. What’s the secret? This book will provide challenges, examples, and hope to women who want to love their husbands well and be loved well in return.
Dennis Rainey, president, Family Life
When I first read this book, I was mortified that Gary Thomas had such insight about how a woman thinks and feels! But amazingly, he has similar insight into men, and he combines all this to share information that is truly profound. I highly recommend this book to every wife.
Linda Dillow, author of
Creative Counterpart
, coauthor of
Intimate Issues
Do you want to know how to motivate your husband? Read this book! Gary writes honestly and with revelation that every wife desperately needs.
Lorraine Pintus, coauthor of
Intimate Issues
You can’t change your husband, but you can influence him. That’s the hope-filled message throughout
Sacred Influence
. I’ve counseled thousands of women and found Gary’s straight talk about men and their needs insightful and challenging. I would recommend this book for any woman who desires a better marriage.
Judy Bodner, author of
When Love Dies: How to Save a Hopeless Marriage
Books by Gary Thomas
Authentic Faith
Devotions for a Sacred Marriage
Devotions for Sacred Parenting
The Glorious Pursuit
Not the End but the Road
Sacred Influence
Sacred Marriage
Sacred Parenting
Sacred Pathways
Seeking the Face of God
ZONDERVAN
Sacred Influence
Copyright © 2006 by Gary L. Thomas
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Zondervan.
Mobipocket Edition February 2009 ISBN: 978-0-310-57047-9
Requests for information should be addressed to:
Zondervan,
Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Thomas, Gary (Gary Lee) –
Sacred influence : what a man needs from his wife to be the husband she wants / Gary L. Thomas.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN-13: 978-0-310-27768-2
1. Wives — Religious life. 2. Influence (Psychology) — Religious aspects — Christianity. 3. Husbands — Psychology. 4. Marriage — Religious Aspects — Christianity. I. Title.
BV4528.15.T56 2006
248.8'435 — dc22
2005023927
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the
Holy Bible: New International
Version
®
. NIV
®
. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked MSG are taken from
The Message
. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means — electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other — except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.
07 08 09 10 11 12
18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
To Drs. Steve and Rebecca Wilke.
“The pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel”
(Proverbs 27:9).
Contents
Introduction: God Hears and Sees
Part 1: Your Marriage Makeover Begins with
You
1. The Glory of a Godly Woman
Understanding Who You Are in Christ
2. The Strength of a Godly Woman
Becoming Strong Enough to Address Your Husband’s
“Functional Fixedness”
3. “Be Worthy of Me”
How God Uses the Weaknesses of Others to Help Us Grow
Part 2: Creating the Climate for Change
4. The Widow at Zarephath
Understanding a Man’s Deepest Thirst
5. The Zarephath Legacy
How You Can Learn to Appreciate an Imperfect Man
6. The Helper
Embracing the High Call of Marriage
7. A Claim, a Call, and a Commitment
Focusing on Personal Responsibilities
8. Understanding the Male Mind
Learning to Make Allowances for
Your Husband’s Masculinity
9. Jeanne-Antoinette
The Power of a Persistent Pursuit
Part 3: Confronting the Most Common Concerns
10. Ray and Jo: Taming the Temper, Part 1
Self-Respect as a First Defense against Your Husband’s Anger
11. Taming the Temper, Part 2
Learning to Navigate through Your Husband’s Anger
12. Rich and Pat: The Magic Question
Helping Your Husband to Become More Involved at Home
13. The Biology of a Busy Man
How to Help Your Man Put Family First
14. Pure Passion
Cementing Your Husband’s Affections and
Protecting His Spiritual Integrity
15. Ken and Diana: Affair on the Internet
Winning Back the Husband Who Strays
16. John and Catherine: Finding Faith
Influencing a Nonbelieving or
Spiritually Immature Husband
From Lisa Thomas
Thanks for picking up this book! I hope and pray that you will choose to read it. If you’re like me, you have a pile of really good and helpful books waiting to be read, and sometimes it’s hard to prioritize them. I truly believe that Gary has something worthwhile to say in this book; I know your marriage will be blessed if you do read it.
Gary wrote this book partly in response to the many emails and questions received from women who had heard him speak or who had read his other books. He heard their frustration, pain, and sometimes anger at husbands who just didn’t seem to be getting it. Because of this, he deals with real-life stuff, addressing issues that women like you and me are dealing with. He doesn’t offer “five easy steps” that are guaranteed to transform your situation, but he tries to help women gain a better understanding of how men tick and catch a glimpse of the spiritual dynamics at work within your marriage. I hope you’ll see his brotherly love as he walks you through the process of your own marital journey.
I’m often asked if Gary really lives what he writes, and my answer is always a resounding yes! Because he is a man of integrity, I can wholeheartedly recommend his books. And just in case you’re wondering, yes, he did ask my permission to use every story involving me. It is our hope and prayer that our vulnerability will be used by God to bless others. Like any couple, we don’t have a perfect marriage, but it’s a marriage I thank God for every day. I can’t imagine another life, and if our journey can, in any way, inspire your own, I’m pleased to share it with you. May you be encouraged.
Enjoy!
Lisa Thomas
T
here are so many people to thank.
First, thank you to those who agreed to let your stories inspire others. Many of you chose to remain anonymous, so I’ll respect your privacy. You know who you are, and I am deeply grateful for the courage it took to open up your lives for the benefit of others.
Second, my “four therapists” who provided their expert analysis (and the specific, relevant education I lack in this regard) and who helped shaped this book accordingly: Dr. Melody Rhode, Leslie Vernick, Dr. Mitch Whitman, and Dr. Steve Wilke. Thank you for being so generous with your understanding and patient with my lack of it.
Then to the readers: Donna Burgess, Cheryl Scruggs, Jo Franz, Lisa Fetters, Dina Horne (who actually read through an early draft in the waning days of her political campaign and just before she left town on a missions trip), and Nicole Whitacre. Bless you for your input, your encouragement, and the very helpful comments.
I especially want to thank Mary Kay Smith and Dr. Rebecca Wilke, who have both previewed several of my books. Thank you for loving me and this work in progress enough to speak the hard word when it needed to be spoken and for challenging me, consistently and persistently, to go deeper. You both are true friends.
None of the aforementioned may fully agree with all that is said in the book you now hold, but I believe everything is that much closer to the truth — and much better said — because of their ser vice.
I also want to thank John Sloan at Zondervan, who had his hands full trying to redirect an initially scattered manuscript. This hasn’t been the easiest book, has it? My appreciation goes to Dirk Buursma, for his word management and encouragement; and especially to Jen Abbas, whose enthusiasm and fresh energy lifted me up enormously in the latter days of this whole process.
My wife has been no less than a saint throughout this ordeal — she has read, reread, and listened to me think out loud more than any wife should ever have to endure over a lifetime. She has done far more than merely “influence” this man — God has used her to reshape him. I love you, Lisa.
Introduction:
God Hears and Sees
M
y friend Nina walked up to me after church one time. “Matt and Riley are sick,” she said. “They want me to rent them something to watch, but I don’t know what to get them.”
“That’s easy,” I said. “
Band of Brothers
. They’ll love it.”
“I haven’t heard of that.”
Just then, my teenage son — who also happens to be one of Riley’s best friends — showed up. “Graham, Nina needs a movie for Matt and Riley to watch while they get better. I suggested
Band of
Brothers
. What do you think?”
“Yeah, that’s a good one,” Graham said. “They love war movies.”
This was just one small incident in my life that Nina may not even remember — but it helped to cement the idea for this book. When a wife wants to rent a good movie for her husband and son, whom is she likely to ask? Hopefully, it won’t be someone who thinks it just doesn’t get any better than
Breakfast at Tiffany’s
.