Sacred Influence (8 page)
So you see, that shuttle driver who just wants his wife’s face to light up when she sees him isn’t unusual; he’s typical. Rule number one for influencing your man is this:
stop taking your husband for
granted
. He wants to feel noticed, special, and appreciated. That puts him in a “moldable” mood. When he feels he is taken for granted, he becomes defensive and resentful of the mere suggestion of change.
Leslie Vernick, author of
How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts
Wrong
, once asked a husband in a counseling situation what he would most like from his wife. He responded, “There was a guy at work who was clumsy and never did the job quite right. None of us guys thought much of him, but when his wife came in one day, she looked at him like he could do no wrong. All of us guys were jealous of him from then on, because we knew he wasn’t perfect, but his wife treated him like he was. I would love for my wife to look at me like that.”
Spiritual Acceptance
Without feeling appreciated, admired, and genuinely respected, your husband probably will never change. If you notice a lot of tension in your home; if you notice a high level of frustration and anger in your husband’s life; if you sense a discouragement leading to passivity (where he underachieves); if you notice an “escapist” mentality, where he spends his free time playing computer games or watching sports, escaping the home with excessive recreation — then, more times than not, you’re looking at a man who doesn’t feel loved, appreciated, and respected. He’s a man who is
coping
, not truly living. And men who merely cope never change; they just pass time.
Affirmation is more than a man’s desire — much more. Acceptance and encouragement are biblical requirements:
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God” (Romans 15:7).
Even if your husband never changes; even if every bad habit, every neglected responsibility, every annoying character trait, stays exactly the same — then, for your own spiritual health, you need to learn how to love this man
as he is
. Too many books and articles ignore this point. Your first step — the primary one — is to love, accept, and even honor your imperfect husband.
Now, some of you may think this sounds contradictory to what I’ve said in previous chapters. Yet when applied, the two truths — confronting your husband and affirming him — can complement each other. When you show respect and affirmation toward your man, it’s amazing how vulnerable that imperfect husband will be to change. Dan Allender’s story provides a compelling example of this.
“You’re a Good Man”
In his excellent book
How Children Raise Parents
, Dr. Dan Allender describes how his young son lost his nerve on a ski slope. When the boy asked Dan to carry him down, Dan refused, so the boy fell down and began to cry and kick his feet. Dan grew irritated with his son and demanded that he ski down. As Dan raised his voice in anger, his wife, Becky, suggested he go on ahead and let her handle it.
Dan did so but then watched as his son refused Becky’s entreaties. That did it for Dan; he walked back up the slope, fuming all the while, and met Becky with the words, “Move. Your way didn’t work. I’ll get him down my way.”
4
You’re about to witness the incredible and profound power that a strong, godly woman represents. I’ll let Dan take it from here:
Becky stood her ground.
My wife looked at me with kindness and strength. When I fi
nally reached her, her head slowly turned from side to side and she
said, “No.”
There was a moment of silence, and she said, “I know you’ve
been shamed by many men who meant the world to you. And I
know that is not what you want to do to your son.” It was all she
had to say. A myriad faces flashed in my memory; and I felt again
the raw experience of being humiliated and shamed by men who
really did matter to me. It silenced my anger and I began to cry. My
wife put her hand on my heart and said, “You’re a good man.” She
turned away and in one fluid, graceful movement, she skied down
the icy slope.
5
Even while Dan acted at his worst, his wife called him to his best, using affirmation. She stood up to him, but she also touched him in his anger and firmly but gently reminded him, “You’re a good man.”
When Dan reached his son, he was a much-changed man. That’s the power women have — one magnanimous gesture and one aptly spoken phrase can work wonders. Since Dan’s son had seen and heard everything, Dan opted for the direct approach.
“Andrew, you saw my face as I was coming up the slope, didn’t
you?”
He quivered. “Yes.”
“And you saw how angry I was, didn’t you?”
“Yesss.”
“And you were afraid, weren’t you?”
“Yes, yesss.”
“And you knew I’d make you pay if Mommy had not been so
strong and loving and stood in my way and protected you.”
At this point his eyes were bristling with tears, and his cheeks
were shivering with fear. I looked at him, put my hands on his
cheeks, and said, “Andrew, I was wrong. Mommy loved me well
and loved you well too. She invited me to see what I had become
and what I did not want to be. Andrew, I’m sorry for being so
angry. Please forgive me.”
The gift my son gave is incalculable. He put his hand on my
heart as he had seen my wife do and he said with tears, “Daddy,
Mommy is right. You are a good man.”
6
Can you see the good in your husband, even when he’s at his worst? Can you pause long enough to see the hurt behind the heat, and call him to his best? If you can learn to do that, you
will
move your man — directly into God’s arms.
Chapter 5: The Zarephath Legacy
How You Can Learn to Appreciate
an Imperfect Man
W
hen Bobby Kennedy became the U.S. attorney general, the leaders of the civil rights movement despaired. Bobby was Irish and, according to one leader at the time, “famously not interested in the civil rights movement. We knew we were in deep trouble. We were crestfallen, in despair, talking to Martin [Luther King Jr.], moaning and groaning about the turn of events, when Dr. King slammed his hand down and ordered us to stop the [complaining]. ‘Enough of this,’ he said. ‘Is there nobody here who’s got something good to say about Bobby Kennedy?’ We said, ‘Martin, that’s what we’re telling ya! There is no one. There is nothing good to say about him. The guy’s an Irish Catholic conservative [expletive], he’s bad news.’ ”
1
Maybe at times you’ve felt this way about your husband. You see so many negatives, so many challenges and prejudices and bad habits to overcome, that you honestly can’t think of one good thing to say about him. As long as you stay in this place, you’ll never move him. You’ll never influence him.
Martin Luther King Jr. understood this, profoundly so. He looked at his fellow leaders and said, “Well, then, let’s call this meeting to a close. We will re-adjourn when somebody has found one thing redeeming to say about Bobby Kennedy,
because that
,
my friends
,
is the
door through which our movement will pass
.”
2
King then ended the meeting, insisting that there wouldn’t be anything more to do until somebody came up with something good to say about Bobby Kennedy. In his view, there was no way they could move this man toward their position until they found one redeeming thing to say about him. That one thing would be the door of redemption, the door of influence, the door of change.
King’s plan worked. They discovered that Bobby was close to his bishop, and they worked through this bishop so effectively that, according to the same leader who once could not find a single positive thing to say about Kennedy, “there was no greater friend to the civil rights movement [than Bobby Kennedy]. There was no one we owed more of our progress to than that man.”
3
Their greatest nightmare turned into their greatest dream.
This incredible triumph was built on the power of recognizing one or two strengths, building on them, and finding the road for their movement through that. You’ll move your husband in the same way. When you find yourself in despair, overcome by negativity toward the man you married, remember the words of Martin Luther King Jr.: “We will re-adjourn when somebody has found one thing redeeming to say about Bobby Kennedy, because that, my friends, is the door through which our movement will pass.”
You’re Not Alone
Though every wife has married a man with a unique background and gifts and personality, every wife has one thing in com-mon: her husband is an imperfect man. No woman has a spouse who never gives her reason for legitimate complaint. You may, indeed, have more to complain about than others; but every wife can find something that could stand improvement — otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading this book!
This presents you with a spiritual challenge. You will have to fight the natural human tendency to obsess over your husband’s weaknesses. When I urge you to affirm your husband’s strengths, I’m not minimizing his many weaknesses; I’m just encouraging you to make the
daily
spiritual choice of focusing on qualities for which you feel thankful. The time will come when you can address the weaknesses —
after
you’ve established a firm foundation of love and encouragement. For now, you must make a conscious choice to give thanks for his strengths.
I have found Philippians 4:8 as relevant for marriage as it is for life: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.”