Sacred Influence (25 page)
But Pat fought off the resentment. “I felt that, in one sense, what I was doing was contrary to everything I am. I felt like I was dying, but the paradox is that I am more me now than I ever was. I am kinder, gentler, and more submissive, but I am also more strong-willed and opinionated than I ever was. I used to think those were contradictions, but now I see how they work together. Although at the time, I thought I was giving things up, I can see now I was gaining. I wouldn’t go back to the way I was for anything. I have more joy, forgiveness, and grace, and more friends —
a lot
more friends! My family has changed dramatically, and for the first time, I get along with my siblings, Mom and Dad, and my in-laws.”
Pat went on. “The way I moved my husband was by changing myself. I honestly believe that when you do what your partner wants you to do, you heal yourself in the process. God gives you your spouse as the person who can fix those things in you that you really don’t want to fix.”
Rich agrees. “Pat softened a lot, and that made a big difference to me. It’s a lot easier to feel empathy for someone who is soft than for someone who is coming on hard.”
“You can’t do this without faith in the Lord,” Pat adds. “And though you probably will, like me, feel like you’re dying, all I can say is that it’s
so
worth it. By submitting to my husband and doing what he asked me to do — even though there was so much I wanted
him
to do differently — I became the person I wanted to be: a more loving wife, a better friend, a better mother. And then I found that those things bring me a lot of joy. The benefits to
myself
have been overwhelming. Even if my husband acted like the biggest jerk from now until the day he dies, submitting to him has brought an incredible change in me, and I wouldn’t go back to the way I was for anything.”
The Big Adventure
To wives whose husbands play darts on the weekend or who constantly haunt the golf course or who accompany their buddies to the local bar, Pat advises, “Consider how you might be driving your husband out of the house and into the basement, the golf course, or the computer.”
Think very honestly about this past week. Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. What did it feel like to be greeted by you? What kind of mood do you set in the home? Are you pleasant? Confrontational? Apathetic? Would you like to be welcomed home in the way you welcome home your husband?
Maybe you get home from work after your husband does. You can ask yourself some other questions. Do you regularly complain about your day instead of listening to him about his? Do you pour out your resentment that other women have it easier than you do? Do you make him feel as though he doesn’t measure up? Are you preoccupied with the in-box on your desk at work? What are you doing to make your husband your “buddy”? Are you a pleasure to be around?
Since Pat has undergone these changes, she says that “Rich now
wants
to come home. He
wants
to be with me; he wants to support me if I’m going through a bad time. When he does go away on trips, he’s careful to organize them in such a way that he can see the family as much as possible before and afterwards.”
Pat adds, “If you want a big adventure, submit to your husband. That will be the greatest adventure of your life; it will be more exciting than being shot to the moon. It will open up a whole different way of looking at things — a way you perhaps can’t envision right now. Few topics are more controversial than that of submitting to your husband, but it’s absolute truth — and it’s worked so well in my own life.”
Rich’s Perspective
Rich points to three factors that influenced his evolution from absentee father and husband to a man eager to come home at night:
Pat’s renewed commitment
“To me, the big change occurred when I felt that Pat was really
committed
to the marriage. Before, I began to wonder just how committed she was. There were times she said that she didn’t love me, that she even hated me, and suggested that I might want to leave — which I did not want to do. But I think what became important was when she realized we have a commitment. Marriage isn’t just about
feelings
of love; there are times when only a commitment carries you through. When marriage is based on a Christian faith, it’s much more solid. You can depend on it. That, to me, was the foundation that was most important — after we both realized that we were committed to this marriage, I wanted to change, and I always had hope after that point.”
Rich brings up a good point: why would a husband change for a wife who shows no commitment to him — who might, in fact, even leave him or encourage him to leave? From a guy’s perspective, that’s like filling up the gas tank just before you sell your car. If your husband has no confidence that the marriage will continue, why go through the hassle of character transformation?
*
Most men need to know that their wives will be there before they feel motivated to make a change.
Second, Rich was genuinely surprised when Pat finally got through to him about how badly he was hurting her. Rich obviously enjoys being around his wife, and he really didn’t want to lose her. “Pat is an extraordinary woman,” he says. “She once asked me why I wouldn’t leave, and I said, ‘Because I like you.’ There’s just something about her that’s different that I really like. This may not be true of every marriage, but I personally couldn’t
ever
see myself being married to or dating another woman. I had no interest in other women.”
When a man feels this deeply about a woman and then sees how his actions cause her such pain, he’s going to feel motivated to change. Before then — as much as this may frustrate Pat — Rich says he really didn’t understand just how much pain he was causing.
The third major stage of Rich’s evolution came about when he saw Pat’s renewed faith. Her renewed relationship with God became contagious. Like Pat, Rich exchanged a “cultural Christian ity” for a real faith. If you ask him why he’s more involved at home now, Rich says, “There’s no treasure in the other activities, no inheritance; it all gets burned away! I still put in a good day at work, and I still love to hunt and fish, but I realize that, from the standpoint of eternity, they’ll all pass away.”
How interesting! The man who once threw himself into work and outdoor sports because of their solvable nature and tangible rewards now recognizes that their rewards pale in comparison to God’s promised rewards in eternity.
In my view, that’s why Pat’s mission “worked.” Instead of trying to change Rich for her own sake, she drew closer to the Lord, captivated Rich with her own example, and in a godly way encouraged Rich to reevaluate his priorities according to God’s standards. Rich needed another measuring stick. Marriage, faith, and family life take more effort than work and fishing — but they offer much greater rewards: “Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever” (1 Corinthians 9:25).
Rich has some simple counsel for wives married to overinvolved husbands: “First, they really need to let their husbands know how it feels to be left alone. Second, I would tell them that their man needs to get into an accountability group. Doing so helped me to see other role models at church. Our small group evolved into an accountability group, and those guys started challenging me about how much time I spent with my wife compared to time at work or hunting. Plus, it was very helpful for me to see what other successful couples were doing.”
Rich and Pat’s story emphasizes the importance of a healthy Christian community. It’ll go much easier for you if other men can challenge your husband. Some men resent it when they think their wives want them to change for the wives’ sake; it’s a different matter entirely when some committed friends say, “Hey, buddy, you need to do this because
God
calls you to do this.”
Rich also urges wives to follow Pat’s example of entering into their husbands’ world. Pat says to wives, “Find a way to be his buddy and do the things he wants to do,” and Rich affirms this wholeheart-edly: “It really helped to find common ground on things we like to do. I really appreciated it when Pat made the effort to start fly-fishing with me. After she did that, I thought I had an obligation to spend time with her shopping or doing the things she likes to do.”
I believe marriage involves a commitment to, as I say in
Sacred
Marriage
, “fall forward.” Just as I started following figure skating (something I have zero natural interest in) when figure skating became important to my daughter; and just as I’ll occasionally watch the HGTV (Home and Garden Television) channel with my wife, even though finding the “right” wallpaper ranks one millionth on the list of things that interest me — so you might think about doing something or becoming informed about a topic simply because your husband enjoys it. Doing so creates momentum for your husband to also fall toward you.
Rich freely confesses that conversation doesn’t rank high on his list of favorite things: “The hardest thing for me is just sitting down and talking. Oh, that’s hard!” But now he’s at least willing to give it a try.
Rich stresses, “Wives need to understand the commitment part. Marriage is love
and
commitment; a husband won’t stay or even want to stay in a marriage if the wife isn’t committed.” Commitment is about more than simply staying put; it also requires moving toward someone. If you want your husband to move toward you, ask yourself how you are moving toward your husband. This goes far beyond staying legally married to include the spiritual commitment of continuing to love, pursue, and serve.
Your first movement toward your husband should be, as it was for Pat, a movement toward God. Paul praises the Macedonians for this: “They gave themselves first to the Lord and then to us in keeping with God’s will” (2 Corinthians 8:5). When you give yourself first to God, you open yourself up to his correction, affirmation, and redemption.
How might God be using the situations in your life to help you reevaluate yourself
,
your priorities, and your actions? For Pat, the answer came loud and clear that she needed to learn the meaning of biblical submission. I doubt she could have given herself to Rich if she hadn’t first given herself — including her emotional desires, her relational frustration, and her personal despair — to God.
And then follow this up with the second question: “What would you like me to do for you that I’m not doing?” If you heed your husband’s words instead of taking offense, you can slowly transform your home into a more pleasant place for him to be — and therefore make him
want
to come home.