Sacred Influence (23 page)

James 4:1 – 2 explains the genesis of every marital argument: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.”

According to James, we fight because we’re selfish, because we’re disappointed, because we’re not getting our way, and because we’re depending on someone other than God to meet our needs. There’s one word that describes this hideous disposition:
pride
.

The ancients called humility “the queen of the virtues” because they rightly understood Scripture to teach that pride is the greatest of all sins. Humility will serve your home well, and it can also play a preeminent role in reducing angry outbursts.

Ray told me that one of the most helpful things his counselor suggested was to learn to ask for God’s wisdom to compose himself so that he could focus on Jo’s needs, making her the center of his attention. By nature, men can be self-centered; Ray needed to learn that Jo
matters
.

This cuts to the heart of the issue, because an angry man often acts as though he is the only one who matters. An angry man tries to assert control, seizing the situation by force and trying to use his anger to intimidate or scare the other person into doing what he wants. Humility — focusing on someone other than yourself —provides the best spiritual remedy for this.

But here’s the catch for
you
. You must work to stay humble as you oppose pride. Maybe your side of the argument is that you don’t want to put up with an angry man! Maybe what you want but don’t get (referring to James) is a peaceful relationship, and so you are tempted to lash out with the same attitude of pride and expression of anger.

There’s a very important spiritual principle behind this: just because someone I’m opposing is wrong doesn’t make me right! There are a hundred ways to miss a target but only one way to hit it.
⁵
It’s very possible that on any given day, and in the midst of any particular argument, both you and your husband are succumbing to pride, which in turn will blind you from the wisdom of God’s humility. Your husband may be wrong, and he may be expressing himself in an improper way, but that alone doesn’t make you right.

Pray for humility. Read books that deal with this topic more directly.
⁶
Pray with some friends, always keeping James 4:1 – 2 in mind. Pride is an ever-present foe, so make humility an ever-present friend.

Confronting Rage and Physical Abuse

I want to switch gears for just a moment here and address temper that burns out of control. There’s a moment when anger becomes rage and when rage becomes physical. Such a situation calls for a more drastic response.

In
Sacred Marriage
, I talk extensively about how God can use a difficult marriage to shape us. He uses trials to transform us, and he teaches us to respond to evil with blessing. God has used many difficult marriages to help prepare people for ministry. Having said this, it is a misapplication of scriptural principles to believe you must stay in a situation where you are being physically abused.

Some women “spiritualize” domestic violence. They assume it’s their “duty” to bear up under the assault and certainly not to report it to anyone, lest their husbands get in trouble.

I want to be as clear and as honest here as I can: If your husband hits you, both of you need help. You won’t solve this problem alone. You
must
speak to someone — a trusted pastor, a wise counselor, maybe a dear friend. But you shouldn’t ever have to face this problem alone.

You are not being unfaithful to your husband when you seek help. On the contrary, you are acting in love by helping him confront a behavior that offends God and could prove fatal. Paul writes, “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them” (Ephesians 5:11).

Biblical submission
never
means you must serve as a punching bag. We are called to submit to one another “out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21), which qualifies our response. If my wife asks me to do something or participate in something that offends Christ, I am not bound to join her. On the contrary, I have a duty to God to resist her. The same is true for you as a wife.

Depending on the situation, temporary separation may be necessary to end domestic violence.
^*
You may not believe in divorce, but remember that not all separation ends in divorce; sometimes it’s a move toward healing. It allows both spouses to regroup, get their bearings, receive counsel, and break destructive patterns before they come back together.

You
must
seek help in this situation, because you never know where the violence might lead. You need protection and wisdom, and your husband needs accountability. Once his problem no longer remains a secret between the two of you, he will be less likely to escalate the harm; he knows he’s finally “on record” and could get into a lot of trouble if he continues acting out. If you try to solve this “just between the two of you,” you put yourself at increased risk. Your husband may become afraid of being found out and do something desperate to silence you.

So please
,
please
,
please
—
get help!

While some women spiritualize domestic violence, others live in denial, dismissing it as a “joke” that got out of hand. Ximena Arriaga, an associate professor of psychological sciences who studies relationship commitment and domestic violence, gives this explanation:

We hear people say my partner was joking when he hit, kicked or burned me. They also may excuse degrading comments as simple jokes. When a partner is violent, the victim must wonder, “Why is this person who is supposed to love me also hurting me?” One way to make sense of this puzzle is to view the violence as benign. If the person can explain it as something else — something less negative, such as joking, and attribute it to their partner’s sense of humor — then they can deny that they are abused and don’t have to put up with the possible shame that goes with staying in a violent relationship.
⁷

It pains a woman so much to know that her husband is hurting her that she might try to pass it off as “rough humor” or “an accident.” An “occasional joke” is easier to face than the fact that you married a wife abuser. But physical harm is never funny. There is no humor in hurt.

If you’re in this situation, don’t be ashamed. You are not alone. Sadly, research shows that one out of every eight couples suffers from partner violence.
⁸
Think of it this way: in a church with two hundred couples, twenty-five couples may be struggling with this to varying degrees, which is why churches can do great good by posting in their women’s restrooms notices of helpful programs. When you courageously step forward and talk to a pastor or counselor, you could become the lead person in helping your church to confront an issue that all too often is kept in the shadows. If no one talks to the pastor, he may not realize there’s a problem and never address it from the pulpit.

Addressing the rage and violence doesn’t necessarily mean the marriage has ended. Don’t let the fear of your financial needs and parental responsibilities get in the way of confronting this problem. Other couples have worked through this. Ignoring it or putting it off will only make things worse. The habit will become more ingrained, and you and your husband may reach a point where the marriage cannot be salvaged. Furthermore, it devastates your children to remain in a violent home. Allowing yourself to be abused “for their sake” is a contradiction in terms.

Many groups and organizations can help you face the immediate financial implications. I always suggest you turn to your church first, but if that’s not an option, consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (or visit www.ncadv.org for information on the National Coalition Against Domestic Vio-lence). You can also find a local YWCA by calling 1-800-992-2871 (or visit www.ywca.org).

Reporting your husband may, indeed, make him very angry. If as a result of this confrontation he chooses to repent and seek to grow, in the end he’ll thank you. After he confronts his behavior and begins to make changes, he’ll find it far more fulfilling to love, nurture, encourage, and support a woman than to abuse one. If he doesn’t repent, you certainly do face some dark days ahead; but in the end, that will be better than remaining in a home where you fear for your life. Furthermore, you’ll teach your children that their father’s behavior simply isn’t acceptable. Your daughters will learn not to put up with that kind of behavior, and your courageous action can help to stop a generational pattern of destruction.

From Strength to Strength

I’ve been part of a marathon training group for a couple of years now. I’ve seen women who had never run five miles slowly work their bodies into shape so that five or six months down the road they completed a marathon. I’m not talking about women in excellent physical shape either! You’d look at some of them and think, “The last thing they’ll ever do is run twenty-six miles in a day.” But through months of small decisions and patient preparation, they do it.

If you live with an angry man, this is your “spiritual marathon.” You’re going to be challenged in ways that may terrify you. Women who marry abusive men often had abusive fathers, and they’ve developed a lifelong portrait of themselves as victims. It will go against every learned response in your hurting soul to finally stand up and say you’re not going to take it anymore — but doing so is the pathway to healing, hope, and a healthier marriage.

You may feel terrified, but think with me about a future in which you are supported instead of threatened, in which you feel adored instead of attacked and appreciated instead of insulted. Isn’t it worth the risk, for you and your children, to work toward such a marriage?

Furthermore, God can use this situation to help you become much stronger. Sadly, often only when we feel like we’re in over our heads do we fully throw ourselves on God’s mercy and learn to walk with his empowerment and grace. For perhaps the first time in your life, decide to let faith and spiritual resolve win out over your fear. Remember, courage is not the absence of fear, but it entails putting your faith in God and moving forward even when you feel terrified and convinced that everything will go wrong.

Your situation may resemble Jo’s — anger but no violence. You need the courage to accept God’s view of yourself as a valuable person and then the wisdom to teach your husband how to respond to you appropriately. If your situation is beginning to become violent, you need to act now, find some help, and be part of creating a crisis that will lead to change.

Above all, remember that while you might feel frightened, uncertain, guilty, or confused, you are
never
alone. Your God is with you, and his people will surround you. Spend some time asking God to bring some helpers into your life before you act; this may be the wisest step you can take. And then move forward from there. If you keep stepping out in faith, you’ll discover just how strong you can become in Christ — and that’s a valuable life lesson. If you persevere in this, you won’t even recognize yourself several years down the road. That timid, fearful, victimized personality will vanish in favor of a strong, wise, bold, and courageous woman of faith.

As the apostle Paul wrote, “To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me” (Colossians 1:29). This is your refuge and your hope.

*
My friend Leslie Vernick adds an important point: while anger in and of itself is not a sin, it
can be
a sin: “For example, when anger results from not getting what we want (James 4:1), or selfish desires (‘I want my way, and I’m angry because you’re not giving it to me’), then it is sin. In such situations, we need to examine more than just how we handle our anger, but also the very reason we feel angry. Do we have the mind-set that we are always entitled to get our way? Or that people who love me should always give me what I want when I want it?”

*
But
please
seek advice from trained professionals before taking this approach. Sometimes, when a woman separates from an abusive man, she puts herself in even more danger of abuse. You need to work with someone who has enough experience to help you choose the wisest and safest course of action.