Sacred Influence (19 page)

All this
does
seem backward.

Men like to be captivated by their wives. They understand that advancing years and the experiences of childbirth and nursing take their toll on a woman’s body and appearance; but they still want their wives to look like women. The feminine enthralls us. It is so different, so beautiful, to us. And it is God’s good desire that this be so.

Solomon says to husbands about their wives, “May you ever be captivated by her love” (Proverbs 5:19). This rather weak translation would sound a bit more erotic had I included the previous lines, which describe the actual body parts the husband should be captivated by. Keil and Delitzsch paint the picture here of a husband in a “morally permissible love ecstasy” as he gazes at his wife’s naked body.
⁹
That’s how strong the idea “captivated” is here. And, according to Scripture, this is a
blessing
, God’s good gift to your husband. Let me try to restate this biblical prayer in a contemporary context: “May you receive God’s good gift of being captivated and enthralled by the beauty of your wife’s body.”

When guys talk in private, without fear of sounding politically incorrect, they often lament how so many wives have stopped looking feminine. That doesn’t mean you can’t dress down — a ponytail sticking out of a baseball cap can be a beautiful thing! But guys want their women to look like women. If you can master this, your influence in your husband’s life will become that much stronger.

You could seriously misconstrue what I’m about to say, but please give me the benefit of the doubt. Within the holy security of Christian marriage, can you still maintain the motivation of a mistress? Will you be just as zealous and eager to keep your man enthralled out of the goal of reverence for Christ as some other women are to draw attention to themselves for more selfish aims?

The Chains of Habit

As the marquise became concerned about her age, she received the advice, “Make your company more and more valuable to the king through your gentleness; don’t turn him away at other times, and let things take their course; the chains of habit will bind him to you forever.”
¹⁰

Later in life, she received similar advice: “Princes are above all creatures of habit. The king’s friendship for you includes your apartment and your surroundings. You are used to his ways and his stories; with you he is not embarrassed, he’s not afraid of boring you. Where would he find the courage to uproot himself from all this?”
¹¹

Perhaps because it doesn’t sound romantic, many women may never fully appreciate these “chains of habit” — being familiar with and accommodating the personal likes, patterns, and rhythms of your husband’s life. But they can grow strong. Maybe I’m tempted to overstate this (as I’m almost neurotically a person of habit), but with most men, these “chains” can be a real force.

It’s interesting and noteworthy that when Paul tells older women to “train” younger women in how “to love their husbands” (Titus 2:4), the word he chooses for “love” is
, one of several Greek words for “love.”
is a practical kind of love that in other contexts can mean “to be in the habit of.” John Stott describes it this way: “Thus love [
] is the first and foremost basis of marriage, not so much the love of emotion and romance, still less of eroticism, but rather of sacrifice and ser vice. The young wives are to be ‘trained’ in this, which implies that it can be brought under their control.”
¹²

I talked earlier about keeping your man “enthralled,” but realistically, that doesn’t speak to the twenty-four-hour reality of married life. The
type of ser vice-love cements the relationship. It respects the “chains of habit” by which a woman can bind a man to her for life. Since you know your man like no one else, you can anticipate his needs and create a great sense of loyalty when you accommodate and meet those needs. It can be as simple as keeping his favorite beverage and snack food stocked, taping his favorite television show when he’s away on business, buying a book by one of his favorite authors when you’re shopping at your local bookstore, or remaining sensitive to his daily rhythm when you schedule appointments or entertain others.

It’s really about kindness and thoughtfulness. Just as Madame de Pompadour studied King Louis’ preferences and sought to ride those “chains of habit” right into his heart, so you can build great affection in your own marriage by doing the same.

I like to advise newlywed women to
be patient
. So many young wives seek an intense relationship, unrealistic in the case of most young men, once the initial romantic intensity wears off. Loyalty, oneness, and deep intimacy all take time to develop and mature. When a man feels consistently pleased, when he feels enthralled over time, when his wife has learned to use his “chains of habit” to bind his heart to hers —
then
the relationship reaches that level of intimacy, trust, and oneness that most young wives seek. But this process happens by degrees. Too many young wives want to immediately reap a long-term investment from an initial deposit called “marriage.”

Though this won’t sound very romantic, consider loving your husband the relational equivalent of making an investment in your IRA. You don’t deposit a check in 2006 and expect it to double by 2007, or even by 2012. You know that value accrues over time. Mature love is just like that. A Christian man should be absolutely committed to you as soon as he speaks the marriage vows. He should die for you without fear or regret. But his soul doesn’t immediately knit to yours in a relational way. That takes time. It’s not automatic, and a man can’t force it to happen any more than he can plant a sapling and expect to see a fruit-producing tree by the next morning.

Sadly, too many women grow impatient with men. If the man doesn’t respond in the first decade of marriage just as they want him to, they trade him in for someone else. They don’t realize that they’ve just thrown away a decade of relationship building that they can never get back — and they have to start all over at square one. Their second husband will also take time to fully bond, once the initial romance has faded. If they ever want to move past romance to true love, they have to stick it out long enough for mature love to grow.

Jeanne-Antoinette’s relationship with the king changed over time. Eventually she became more of a friend than a lover. Whether out of sincerity or intrigue, Madame de Pompadour underwent something of a religious conversion around that time. Now that she no longer committed public adultery, the church welcomed her return, and many hoped that her newfound devotion might somehow influence the still-philandering king. Jeanne-Antoinette banked her future on becoming an invaluable adviser and confidante.

By 1751, she let it be known that she was no longer “intimately involved” with the king, though she became even more involved in matters of state and diplomacy. Where once she had used seduction, now she built a relationship based on trust. Louis XV was not a particularly confident or decisive king; he didn’t wear his authority as comfortably as did others. Confidence was never a problem for Madame de Pompadour, however, and she recognized that such a king could use her ser vices. In time, as Evelyne Lever explains, “nothing could be done without her. The king was inaccessible and left most of the military, diplomatic and administrative appointments up to his mistress.”
¹³

In short, Jeanne-Antoinette became indispensable in King Louis’ life. She had studied his patterns and knew his needs, and she persistently pursued him until he realized he couldn’t function without her. Based on this foundation, she had enormous influence, and she was able to motivate and move the king in many ways.

Let me stress that this reliance, this dependence, this cooperation, came about through
years
of ser vice and relationship. You have to win a man with a persistent, passionate pursuit before you can move him — and men aren’t won easily. Yet their loyalty can be fierce when carefully encouraged, patiently earned, and proven over time.

Unimaginable Honors

Madame de Pompadour’s chronic ill health finally caught up with her in 1764. As her death became imminent, King Louis XV insisted that she be allowed to die in the king’s palace in Versailles, despite a very strict rule that only those of royal birth should receive such an honor. Just as Madame de Pompadour had broken boundaries all her life, so she broke them in her death. A despondent Louis XV told his doctor, “Only I know the extent of my loss.”
¹⁴

Contemporary women may be disgusted at the way Madame de Pompadour tried so hard to please a man, but the king rewarded her efforts prodigiously — in death as in life. Though Jeanne-Antoinette had started out as a commoner, she became a member of the nobility, a leap that almost never happened in French society. From humble financial beginnings, she acquired enormous wealth, with numerous mansions and gardens built solely for her pleasure. And then, in her death, she received royal treatment.