Sacred Influence (11 page)
Get Fresh Eyes
“Greg’s” greatest failure as a husband occurred more than a decade and a half ago. Despite working as hard as he could in a small ministry, money grew scarce. Greg’s wife, “Anne,” was shocked at how incompetent he seemed in comparison to her own father when it came to practical things. They had a young baby, so Anne expected more and more of Greg; yet he needed to spend many of his evenings in ministry.
Greg gained considerable esteem from his work outside the home. Many people praised him, thanked him, and affirmed him for how they perceived God had used him in their lives. Yet at home, he always felt like the husband who didn’t earn enough money or couldn’t fix things or was always too tired.
Do you see the diabolical trap being laid?
Greg freely acknowledged himself as a less-than-stellar husband. He was still in his twenties, self-centered, and hadn’t learned how to love or appreciate a woman. In hindsight, he completely understands how his wife became so frustrated with him.
Then Greg began working with a woman who shared the same vision for the ministry he had. Initially, he felt no physical attraction to this woman, so he let down his guard. But after a few months of working together, Greg went “over the line” emotionally. Scared of his thoughts, he foolishly went to the woman (when he should have approached another man in the ministry), explaining in a roundabout way that the two of them shouldn’t spend any more time together.
The other woman wasn’t stupid. When Greg talked about how important his family was to him and how he didn’t want to endanger that, she could read between the lines.
“So you mean — ,” she said, not finishing her statement, but both of them knew full well what she meant. The truth felt too shocking for two Christians to mention.
“I can’t believe this,” she said. “You’re just so perfect — ”
Those four words, “You’re just so perfect,” felt like the most potent drug Greg had ever known. Feeling unappreciated, disrespected, and taken for granted at home — and then hearing someone utter something so enthrallingly uplifting — literally sent him soaring.
The relationship soon became a mess. Greg decided he could work through the attraction on his own, but, of course, he couldn’t.
The relationship never became physical, but the emotional infidelity caused tremendous hurt. If not for the strong advice and correction of some godly men, as well as some noble choices made by the other woman, God only knows what might have happened.
Without a doubt, Greg blundered badly. His wife’s perceived neglect did not drive him to this failure, nor does he blame the other woman. Greg freely admits his fault.
I tell his story in the hope that its painful lesson might encourage other wives. You see, the
same Greg
disappointed one woman and enthralled another. One woman saw him with tired eyes, while the other saw him with fresh eyes. One looked at him through frustrated expectations; one saw him with unlimited possibilities.
With what set of eyes are you gazing at your husband?
Keep in
mind
,
you’re not the only one looking at him
. That’s not a threat; it’s just a statement of reality.
I’ve talked to a number of influential men who seem surprisingly unappreciated by their spouses. Because these wives see their husbands’ domestic limits, they remain blind to their accomplishments and public esteem, so they give them less encouragement at home than they receive in the marketplace — a dangerous mix, to be sure. A wise wife sometimes sits back and readjusts her view of the man she married and thus gives him his due esteem.
Let me put it another way: maybe your husband is “just” an assistant manager or even an associate pastor. While this might not seem like much to you
,
others still look up to your husband with respect and even affection — those your husband has hired or trained, as well as customers or church members who have come to rely on his leadership and skills. When a husband feels more respected and appreciated at work than he does at home, a precarious situation erupts. Eventually, his heart may gravitate to the place where he feels most cherished.
Working wives may face this temptation even more than stay-at-home moms, in large part because you may be among the almost 33 percent of women who earn more than their husbands.
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Ginny Graves writes wisely about this:
Many women are angry and exhausted after spending long days at the office, then doing the bulk of the “women’s work” at home. And if they have children, they often yearn for more free time and less stress — and wish their partners would take on more of the financial burden, a desire that often goes unfulfilled because many men can’t find higher-paying work.
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In the midst of living with this kind of frustration, it can be easy to forget the things that first drew you to your man: his sense of humor, his thoughtfulness, his spiritual depth, or any number of other strengths. Though you may become blind to these qualities, that doesn’t mean everyone else will. Respect is a spiritual obligation and discipline. Give your husband his due!
Linda Dillow writes about the time she spoke on the college campus where her husband worked. After the introduction, an eighteen-year-old said, “Oh, are you Jody Dillow’s wife? I think he’s wonderful!” Linda writes, “The last sentence was said with a sort of swoon. She went on to talk about my husband as if he were Tarzan, Albert Einstein, and Billy Graham all in one. I barely made it through my message that afternoon. All the way home I thought about the way this girl saw my husband. It jolted me to look at him through another woman’s eyes!”
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How can you begin to appreciate an imperfect man? Ask God for fresh eyes.
Immeasurable Worth
In the twelfth century, the vast wealth of Weinsberg Castle lay in peril.
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Enemy forces besieged the stone fortress and threatened the riches that lay within. The inhabitants stood no chance of defending themselves against such a great horde, and the opposing forces demanded a full and complete surrender. If the occupants would agree to give up their wealth and the men would give up their lives, the women and children would be spared.
After consultation, the women of Weinsberg Castle asked for one provision: they asked to leave with as many possessions as they could carry. If the opposing forces would agree to this one request, the men inside would lay down their arms and hand over the castle’s riches. Fully aware of the wealth of riches loaded within the castle, the enemy forces agreed. After all, how much could these women take?
Finally, the castle gates opened, and the sight that emerged elicited tears from even the most calloused soldiers. Every woman carried her husband on her back.
How many of those rescued men were perfect? Not one. But every one of those imperfect men meant more to their wives than anything they owned.
Where is
your
greatest wealth?
Embracing the High Call of Marriage
W
hen Grant Fishbook decided to leave his position at a church, a few people didn’t like his reasons, so they created their own and started slandering him. They called into question Grant’s character and integrity, which only added to the misery he already felt. Discouraged, Grant was working at an eight-dollar-an-hour job, crawling under houses and trying to figure out how to pay his mortgage and feed his family while still listening to God’s voice for the future.
Grant still believed God had called him to ministry, so the disappointment of recent events, the frustration of working at a less-than-satisfying job, the uncertainty of the future, and the sudden financial crisis all threatened to bury him with discouragement.
But Grant has a wife — a godly and strong wife — who stepped in. Laurel saw the disappointment in her husband’s face, but she never stopped believing in him. In the midst of his discouragement, she became his protector rather than his accuser.
One day, Grant walked into the house and overheard Laurel talking on the telephone; because Grant entered the room from behind her, Laurel wasn’t aware of his arrival. But this is what Grant heard: “No, you
can’t
talk to my husband. You don’t get to him unless you go through me. And if you find a way to go around me, you’d better remember something: that’s my husband, and I am his wife.”
Today, Grant pastors the largest evangelical church in Whatcom County, Washington (where I live). On a recent Easter morning, over five thousand people showed up to celebrate the resurrection at Christ the King. And Grant would be the first to tell you that the reason he can do what he does is based in part on what Laurel did back then. At that time, he was a fragile man supported by a strong wife; but with Laurel’s support, Grant has become a spiritual leader for an entire region.
This is exactly what God intended marriage to do.
The Spiritual Weight of Marital Roles
When God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18), he wasn’t talking to himself — he was talking to
us
. He was letting us in on the Trinity’s design for human marriage. God designed the wife to help her husband.
This theme appears throughout Scripture. The book of Proverbs proclaims the truth of a woman’s helpful influence:
“A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones” (12:4).
Paul assumes marital “helping” to be a transferable, teachable skill; he urges a young pastor named Titus to ensure that older women properly “train” the younger women how to love — help — their husbands (see Titus 2:3 – 4).
This, of course, raises that most contentious of issues — biblical submission. The phrase itself can be (and has been) so misconstrued that much harm has been done in arguing both for it and against it. So let’s be clear on several things.
First, the Bible does
not
teach the subjugation of women to men. The Bible does not prohibit women from serving as government leaders or CEOs or from working outside of the home. The Bible addresses roles of a husband and wife and various roles within the church, not the relationships between neighbors or coworkers.