Safe and Sound (36 page)

 
“Are you okay, Lola?”

 
“I…don’t know. I don’t really feel anything.” Her eyes met her aunt’s. “Is that normal?”

 
Blair smiled softly and brushed hair from her face. “
Whatever you feel is normal
.”

*
**

 
She kept thinking of her mother. That was
what
plagued her more than anything
, kept her from completely healing
.
Most of the time, she was okay. Most of the time, Lola didn’t think of her. But sometimes, when she did, she
was
struck motionless with pain. Other times it wasn’t so bad.

 
Times like this, when she was alone, were the worst. That’s when all the questions and doubts and fear and betrayal came forth, threatened to overwhelm her.
Lola’s emotions were so conflicted.

 
If she just knew. If
she just knew
why
maybe she’d finally be able to put it past her for good.

 
She missed her. Lola wondered how she was doing. She wondered when she would see her again and what she would say when she did; what she would feel.

 
Lola sat on her bed, staring at
the framed 4 X 6 photograph
.
It was
of
her and her mother, taken when she was two by her father. Blair had given it to her; a piece of her father was now in her possession. He’d looked at this picture, he’d touched it. She brought it to her lips and kissed the cool glass.

 
Her eyes were fixed on the image; the way her mother’s blue eyes sparkled with life, the way she hugged Lola to her.
In the picture Lola was looking at Lana
, her profile in view,
mouth open
as she laughed.

 
A tear fell from her eye, dropped
to
her mother’s face
, blurred it
.

 
She wanted nothing more than to see Jack, to have his arms around her.
But Jack was at summer school, working on getting his G.E.D. and when he was done there, he had to work.

  Lola
was alone to deal with her sorrow. Maybe that was the way it had to be.

 
A memory tickled her mind, fought to the surface.

 
Lola sat
still
, letting it ta
ke over.
It was her mother. She was holding
Lola
in her arms, rocking her and caressing her hair. Lola closed her eyes, inhaling a scent long forgotten and close to
her
heart.
Cookies and cake
and love
.
Safety, security.

 
Mom.

 
A haunting melody swept over her, the voice soft and sure.
Lola recognized the song as
‘Brahms Lullaby’.
A sense of awe swept over her, tingled her scalp. Lola opened her eyes
and took
a deep breath, feeling something like peace hum through her.

 
Lana
used to sing to Lola
when she was sad or troubled
.
Infinite
melancholy
washed over her, bu
t it was also cleansing. Finally, she had something to hang on to; a piece of the mother
from
her childhood to cling to.

 
One day, Lola would get the answers she sought.
Or not.
Sometimes there were no answers, just like Jack had said.
For now, though, she simply had to
have faith. It would have to be enough.

 
She would heal.
In time.

 
Lola smiled;
she was going to be okay.

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