Safer Outside (A Mature YA Romance) (The Outside Series) (3 page)

“Fuck you, Austin,” Randy said, punching Austin in the arm. Logan di
dn’t even flinch at his friends play fighting around him. He was completely focused on me.

“Liz. It’s nice to meet you.
” Logan took a step closer to me and held out his hand. “Are you a sophomore too?” His voice was smooth as honey. It made me want to crawl up his chest to get closer.

“Yeah.
You?” Well, no one ever accused me of being witty.

“Senior.
  You know, I feel like I’ve met you before but I know I wouldn’t forget a face like yours.” He stared, looking over my whole face, finally letting his eyes stop at my mouth. Then he leaned into Randy and whispered something in his ear. Randy looked back at me and nodded his head.

I could feel my face blush as I braced
myself for what was coming next. This could go very badly so I had to either confront whatever they had to say or avoid them. As much as I wanted to walk away, curiosity got the better of me.

“What?” I asked, feeling more than a bit defensive at the secret they shared about me.

“You remind me of someone.” Logan smiled wide and his dimples made me forget to feel nervous about who I reminded him of. “Randy’s ex-girlfriend. You kinda look like her…but you’re way hotter.”

“Yeah right.”
I didn’t want to be the girl with low self-esteem but I couldn’t allow myself to believe that he meant it. That a senior actually thought Beefy Bethy was hot. So, I turned around and walked a few feet to where Allie and Jen were talking. They were pretending not to listen but everyone within fifteen feet was following our conversation. It was too much of a spectacle to ignore. One of the most gorgeous guys in school was talking to a new girl, a sophomore, when her beautiful and busty friend was nearby. Clearly, it had to be a ploy to get at Kim.

“It’s true.”

I was trying to ignore the voice behind me but I couldn’t. My body turned toward him, desperate to change the subject to something less focused on my appearance.

“Whatever. I’m sure she’s just adorable,” I said in a snarky tone that I usually reserved for my mom and Jesse. Why I would ever consider being bitchy to a guy like Logan was crazy but my defense mechanism was in high gear. I had worked too hard for a fresh start to be humiliated by some jerk within my first few hours of school.

“I mean it.” He wasn’t quite whispering but it was obvious he was trying to speak just to me. “I used to think she was really pretty but now, compared to you, I can see I was wrong. Your blue eyes are amazing. And your hair…I love long hair.” He reached forward and twirled a curl around his finger.

I’m sure my mouth was hanging open but no words came out. Kim was even more shocked than I was and quickly stepped in.

“Logan, right? It’s good to see you. I knew Becky from choir. She was always talking about you.” Kim sidled up to me and practically shoved me aside to get in front of Logan. Probably her way of giving me space to gain some composure but it just made me mad. And jealous.

Logan winced at the name and took a step back from Kim. If I wasn’t one of the main characters in that scene, I would have laughed out loud. I’m pretty sure some of the guys did laugh but I wasn’t paying attention to them. My eyes were glued to Logan’s, watching his reaction to Kim and her proximity.

“You’re one of Becky’s friends?” His look of disdain was apparent. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

I looked to Kim and wasn’t sure if I should laugh or feel sorry for her. I’d nev
er seen her rejected by anyone—ever. She was in shock and obviously mortified by his comment.

“W
e aren’t close friends. I just knew her from a few classes.” Kim quickly recovered, never really allowing herself to be out of control of a situation. “Well, it was nice to meet you guys but we need to get to our lockers.” With a swing of her golden locks, she strode to me and grabbed my arm. “See ya.”

Not quite
realizing what was happening, Kim pulled me away from the guys with Jen and Allie on our heels. As soon as we rounded a corner, I stopped to compose myself. “What just happened?”

My friends were just as confused as I was but they w
ere also beaming. “That hot senior was totally picking up on you,” Jen gushed. She was practically jumping up and down with her hands grasping mine as we relived the previous few minutes.

I looked to Kim for confirmation. She was the expert at this kinda thing.

“I think he was.” Kim seemed reluctant to admit it, but as my best friend, I think she was generally pleased. “He seemed to be really into you. You need to talk to him again. I’ll see if Austin wants to do something after school and maybe he’ll bring Logan.”

~**~

After school, I had to go straight to the elementary school two blocks away to pick up Riya and Simon, the two kids I tutored in the afternoon. Walking down the street with my mind replaying the conversation at lunch, I barely noticed the car that pulled up beside me. When the window rolled down and loud music poured out of it, I stopped to look inside.

Randy was in the passenger seat of a shiny new white Mustang.
Such a guy car. Logan leaned over the steering wheel and caught my eye. “Hey, Liz. Can I give you a ride home?”

Seriously?
I had to take a few deep breaths before I could force words out. “Oh, um, thanks, but I’m just picking up a couple kids from Washington.” I pointed to the elementary school field that was only a few houses away from where we stopped.

“Were you like six
when you had them?” The half smile on Logan’s face made his left dimple call out to me. I just wanted to touch it.

“Ha ha.
I’m tutoring them until their parents get home.” I started walking but he kept rolling beside me.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay, see ya.” I waved but didn’t make eye contact again. I wanted to climb into his car and go wherever he would take me, but there was no way I’d ever let him near my house. Thank god for the tutoring excuse or that would have been awkward.

Just as I reached
the field, my phone vibrated in my bag.

“Hi, Mom,” I answered with more than a hint of annoyance in my voice.

“Hi, baby. Do you have any money here that I can borrow?”

Of course
that’s why she was calling. She only called when she needed money or for me to babysit. Usually both. “I think I have a twenty in the blue jar on my dresser. You can have that.”

“Oh, actually, I had to use that last week. I can wait til you get home but I need diapers and a few other things that I can’t buy with my SNAP card.” Other than
diapers, if there was something she needed that she couldn’t use food stamps for, it generally meant wine or cigarettes.

“Doesn’t Jesse have money to cover up his daughter’s ass?” I hated being so bitchy but they brought out that side of me.

“Don’t be like that. You know how he gets when I ask him for money. It’s just easier to ask you. Can you help or not?” Her guilt trips were legendary. Somehow, her poor life choices meant I was responsible for feeding her addictions.

“Yeah.
  I’ll be home by eight. So, how are the kids? Is Billy home yet?” His bus stop was one of the last for drop off so he got home late most days but I was grateful for it. Every hour in that house was an opportunity for him to get into trouble. And by trouble, I mean saying or doing the wrong thing and earning a whipping from Jesse. I wish he could stay at school until I could pick him up so I’d be able to shelter him a bit more. But, I could only do so much. As Kim always reminded me, I’m not his mom.

“Not yet. I’m sure he’ll be home soon. Oh, Macy just woke up so I’ve got to run. Thanks for the loan, baby. Be careful on the bus.” She hung up before I could say anything else.

Chapter Four

Low Profile

Mrs. Jameson was home by five thirty so I texted Kim that I wasn’t going to her place and walked straight to the bus stop. I was able to get through most of my homework during the long ride home. The bus was full but that was fine with me. As long as I had a window seat, I could easily block out the world around me. I found myself staring out the window and looking into every white car that passed.

I got
off at my usual stop but turned toward the convenience store instead of heading straight home. Steve, the manager, was Jesse’s long time customer so he’d never think of carding me and possibly cutting off the occasional line of credit that Jesse gave him before payday. He was a decent guy but like everyone else that knew Jesse, he looked the other way when it came to the shit that went down at my house.

Grabbing a pack of diapers and Marlboro Lights, I figured I’d save Mom the trouble of another trip out. Gas was also something she couldn’t buy with her SNAP card and Jesse tracked her mileage like the IRS.

When I turned into the driveway and saw the car gone, I froze. If Jesse was home, I didn’t want to go in at all. But, there was a fifty fifty chance that he was out and she was home with the kids. Not wanting to stand out in the street any longer, I put on a blank expression and went straight in.

Macy was standing in the kitchen
and crying as Jesse walked down the hall.

Seeing the diapers in my hand
, he tossed the pack of wipes to me. “Good, you’re home. She’s been screaming since your mom left an hour ago. Can you shut her up?”

She lifted her arms to me when she saw me.
“Mama.” She called me that when she was upset or happy. I didn’t bother to correct. I knew she’d grow out of it eventually.

“Yeah, I got her.” I picked her
up and took her back to my room to get her changed. Her face was sticky and she needed a bath but I wasn’t going to hang out alone in the house with him. As soon as she was dressed in leggings and a long sleeved shirt, I put her down in the kitchen. Jesse was leaning against the fridge, watching my every move.

“I’m gonna throw this out back then take her for a walk.” He pinched my ass as I walked past him.

“She’s quiet now. You should just stay and watch a movie with me.”

“Okay, in a little bit. I just want to water the flowers out front and then we’ll be back.” I heard Macy start to cry again as soo
n as I walked into the garage. Jogging to the back door, I quickly dumped the dirty diaper in the trash can and ran back inside.

When I opened the kitchen door, time moved in slow motion. Macy was still wailing in the middle of the room and Jesse pushed off the wall and walked toward her. I wanted to run or scream but I couldn’t do anythin
g. Like the recurring dream I had where I couldn’t move or speak, I just watched as he lifted his boot to her chest and pushed. She flew backward like a rag doll and slid across the linoleum floor, coming to a stop when her head hit the far wall. “I said shut the fuck up, kid!”

“No, no, no,” I screamed, finally regaining use
of my limbs and rushing to her. She was quiet, but alert. Her eyes were as wide and shocked as mine must have been. When she was able to take a breath again, the wailing started.

Quickly checking he
r head for blood and her chest for a mark, I didn’t find any. Thank god. That was all for show. Again, he wanted to assert his power over us by freaking me out. Mission accomplished. I grabbed her pacifier and carried her out the front door. As soon as we walked out the door, she settled down. Even at two, she knew we were safer outside. He wouldn’t ever follow us out. Too many neighbors. Too much risk. There were always eyes on us. They all knew what he did in that house and were constantly looking for an excuse to call the cops.

Keeping a lo
w profile is critical when you’re a drug dealer and beating his family in front of the neighbors didn’t fit into his M.O. Thankfully.

So, Macy and I walked down the street and crossed into an open field. The wildflowers were still in bloom and it was one of my favorite places to sit and think. When the weeds were tall,
I could almost hide in their web. It was one of the few places I felt safe. We stayed in that cocoon of leaves and petals until I saw my mom’s station wagon turn the corner with Billy in the back seat.

It had probably only been thirty minutes but the sun had set
. We were quiet as we walked up the driveway behind her car.

“What are you guys doing out here? Where’s Jesse?” She looked us over and walked up to me. In a lower voice, she asked, “Did he do something to you? What happened?”

I wanted to tell her about him kicking Macy off her feet but it was a waste of breath. We were both fine so it wouldn’t have done anything but start a fight. And I hated to be the one to start something between them. That happened often enough without my intervention.

“No, nothing happened. I just didn’t want to be in the house so we went for a wa
lk. I got you diapers and cigarettes.” Diversion worked as well on her as it did on the kids.

“You did? Thanks, baby. You’re so good to me.”

We walked in the front door and found Jesse asleep on the couch.

“I have some homework to finish. I’ll be in the room.”

“I have homework too. Can you help me with it?” Billy tugged my arm as we walked back to our room.

“Of course, kiddo.
Let’s see what you have.”

By the time we finished Billy’s worksheet and read his book, it was close to nine. I took a quick shower and was walking back to the room when I heard a few voices in the living room. All of Jesse’s “friends” sounded alike so I didn’t know who it was and didn’t care.
Until I heard the words that would destroy the relative calm of the night.

“Hey, Angie, I saw you at the gas station talking to Paco.”

“Oh, yeah, he told me to say hi to you, babe.” I could hear the nervous tremor in her voice and wanted to kill the guy who brought that up. I could imagine it was literally an innocent hello over the gas pump but Jesse didn’t take well to Mom “flirting” with his friends.

“Is that so?” Jesse said.

“What was I supposed to do? Ignore him? He’s your friend and he said hi. That’s it.”

Oh, shit. Instead of keeping her mouth shut, which occasionally avoide
d a full blowout, she decided to talk back. That never ended well.

Laughing, the asshole friend had done what he set out to do. “Well, I’ll let you guys figure this out. See ya later, Jes.”

Making a detour, I snuck into their bedroom and saw Macy asleep in her crib. The rail was low so she could climb in and out on her own but at least she would be out of their way. The yelling in the front room started as soon I found her pacifier and strategically positioned it near her head.

Mom was crying and cussing. Jesse was banging around and calling her a w
hore. At least the kids were asleep and didn’t have to witness this. Just as I closed the bedroom door, I heard a thump and a loud cry. Then the house was silent.

I despe
rately wanted to go check on my mom but that would only make things worse. I learned a long time ago that he was worse with an audience and just a passing glance was enough to get him going again. I crawled up to my bed and cried silently until I heard the shower turn on. Once I was sure he would be locked in the bathroom for a while, I crept out of my room and went looking for Mom.

I found a fern in a pile of dirt on the ground and a broken ceramic pot. The pot was covered in
dark red blood that trailed out the front door. Apparently, Mom also felt getting out of the house was her only sanctuary. I stuck my head outside and quietly called for her but she didn’t answer. Hearing the water turn off, I ran back to the room on my tiptoes and climbed up into bed.

I lay in bed for hours before I heard a rustling outside my window. Lifting the corner of the curtain, I saw Mom pull the screen off.  Without a word, she climbed through the window and walked straight to my closet.
The side of her head was matted with caked blood and her shirt was covered in crusty brown splotches. Her heavy breathing coming from the crack she left in the closet door was the only sound in the room.

When her breathing evened out, I had to speak. “Mom,” I whispered.

“What?” she asked, annoyed that I was putting her hiding place in jeopardy.

“Don’t die.”