Sanctum (Guards of the Shadowlands, Book 1) (34 page)

He rose abruptly and walked across the room, leaving my arms to fall to my sides. “When I became aware of myself here, I was shocked. Obviously, this was not Olam Ha-Ba. So where was I? Sheol? Gehenna? A place for the wicked? But I had never done anything wrong! How could I be anywhere but in a good place? I was furious that my naive expectations had been violated. There I was, awake, aware, just like Nadia is now. I had more energy, but I had not recovered. The only difference between us is that she is suicidal, and I was homicidal. So here’s the stupid thing
I
did: I stormed the Sanctum.”

My jaw dropped. “You…what?”

“The Sanctum is hard to miss. I asked one of the Guards what it was. He told me about the Judge. I decided I would go before the Judge and demand my right to get out and see my brother. To go where I deserved after all I had suffered.” He bent over and picked up the overturned chair. He set it down next to the cot and gripped the back of it tightly. “When I attempted to go in, one of the Guards got in my way. I dropped him and kept going. I took out three Guards before they could
stop me, and by then I was in the Judge’s chambers, running up the aisle.”

“Did you see the Judge?”

He grimaced. “Yes, the Judge was waiting for me. He congratulated me for getting past the Guards. Then he asked me if I was ready to receive his decision. Of course I was—I expected to be freed! Who could hear my story and not have mercy?”

I gave him a sad smile. “I’m guessing the Judge?”

Malachi nodded. “He sentenced me to serve. He sentenced me to this.” He gestured at the walls, at his own body.

“For how long?”

“Until I am ready to leave. Ana was the same way. Takeshi as well. All of us, sentenced to lead the Guards of this city for decades, maybe centuries, maybe until another death, because we were powerful enough to fight our way into the Judge’s chambers and stupid enough to expect that we would be handed a free ticket out once we got there.”

The thoughts I’d been pushing back since Nadia ran away bubbled to the surface. Malachi watched me carefully. “Lela, don’t take this lightly. There could be dire consequences for Nadia if you send her before the Judge in her current state of mind.”

Those thoughts exploded into my consciousness like a volcanic eruption.

He was right. He was completely right.

This was what I’d already realized but hadn’t wanted to admit. There was no other way around it. I was certain Nadia needed to get out of the city, that it was the only thing that would make her better. But if I wanted to get her out, I couldn’t just send her before the Judge and hope for the best. I would have to do better than that. And I would have to do it soon, because I wouldn’t be around much longer.

Malachi sat down on the cot and took my hand. This time I didn’t resist; I was too numb with disbelief and sorrow. Then he looked at me with this incredibly hopeful, vulnerable expression, and I almost moaned aloud as my heart tore right down the middle.

“I’m going to go before the Judge again soon,” he said quietly. “I think I’m ready. And…and I thought maybe…I wondered if—”

I leaned forward and kissed him, unable to hear the words come out of his mouth. I’d never be able to say no if he actually asked. He was going to leave the city. He wanted me to go with him. He wanted to be with me. He wanted us to explore whatever was out there together. But I had to take Nadia before the Judge. I was going to offer myself in her place. I was going to beg for mercy and give myself as payment. It was the only way to get her out.

I pushed him onto his back, desperate to feel his body against mine, eager to let him distract me from my grief, from my torn heart. Ana was right, as always—I had gotten needing
and wanting completely mixed up. What I
wanted
was to fix Nadia, to be her knight in shining armor, or whatever the girly equivalent of that was.

What I
needed
was to be with Malachi, to let him protect me and know me, and to do the same for him.

But it was too late. I had already committed to my plan. I’d made my decision before I’d ever met him. I would not fail the only friend I’d ever had a second time. Which meant I would have to fail Malachi.

I nearly started crying again, but instead I parted my lips and tasted him, and let that sensation carry me away. He tangled his hands in my hair and groaned. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you how much I love your hair,” he breathed.

I started to laugh. “Are you serious? It’s an out-of-control mess.”

“It’s wild, like you. It fights back, like you do.” He chuckled. “Like you, it cannot be stopped.”

We spent a few moments giggling, chest-to-chest, as he pulled my hair around our faces like a curtain. It was like having a little clubhouse. Members only.

“Does being in here make you want to tell me secrets?” I asked playfully, blinking back tears.

“You know what?” he said as he peered up at me with that killer smile. “Sure. Here’s one: if I hadn’t locked you up in that cell the night we met, I would have kissed you then. I wouldn’t have stopped kissing you. If you’d asked, I’d probably have
handed you the keys and let you club me over the head. I’d have thought it worth it just for the chance to kiss you.”

“So why did you stop me?”

“Because I could tell you didn’t really want it. I saw how scared you were. It made me realize how much I wanted you to feel differently about me.”

You have no idea how differently I feel. And how miserable I am to feel this way right now
.

I nipped at the underside of his jaw, and he gasped and pressed me closer. I ran my tongue along his neck, and he moaned. He was mine. He would not refuse. “Malachi. Stay with me tonight.”

He froze. He stayed quiet long enough for me to get nervous. But then he said, “Are you sure? I thought—”

“This is what I want. Please, stay with me.”
Because tomorrow when you go out on patrol, I am going to the Sanctum. I will be trapped here for years just when you are about to get out
.

Malachi slid his hands down my sides and held me tight as I kissed him breathlessly, relentlessly. It all felt out of control, and I wasn’t really ready to do any more than this. I needed more time to get used to the idea of letting another person touch me like that. But time was something I did not have.

His heartbeat pounded against my chest. He looked like he was bracing himself for something. “Lela…you are the most beautiful, stubborn, amazing, frustrating, powerful girl I’ve ever met.” He took a deep breath. “I—”

I pressed my lips to his. I thought I knew what he was going to say, and again, I couldn’t let him. I couldn’t let him to say it and then discover I was gone.

Instead, I would have this last memory with him, because this was all we had left.

AS SOON AS MALACHI
left to “attend to some last-minute business,” I was up and pacing. I decided to go check on Nadia to keep myself from going crazy while I waited for him to return to me for the last time. To start our final hours together. He would think it was a beginning. I knew it was the end.

I tiptoed down the halls, weaving my way through the labyrinth of the Station toward Ana’s quarters. As I neared the chamber that housed the holding cells, I heard Malachi’s voice raised in argument. My feet stuttered to a halt. I wondered if I should walk by, if he’d be upset that I was out and about. Then I caught what he was saying and pressed myself against the wall to listen.

“All I’m asking for is a few hours. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.”

Raphael’s cool voice was calm but firm. “You are asking for a great deal more than that. I cannot support you.”

“You don’t understand. She will not allow this. She would never consent.”

“Have you actually talked to her about it?”

Malachi’s bitter laugh echoed off the walls. “You obviously don’t know Lela. She would gut anyone who tried to come between her and Nadia, including me. At this moment, I can promise you that she is planning to sacrifice herself for Nadia. I saw it in her face. I can tell by the way she’s acting. I can tell by what she’s not letting me say.” He sighed and then continued, voice hardened. “I won’t let her do this.”

“Maybe you should take some time to think about this, Malachi. Once it’s done, you can’t undo it.”

“I had hoped Nadia would get better fast enough. That she wouldn’t hold Lela back. But after today I know it’s not going to happen. Nadia is far from ready, and Lela is starving to death. I felt each of her ribs as I touched her just now. She’s pale as a ghost. She’s unsteady on her feet. She’s so strong, but she has run. Out. Of. Time. And she won’t leave without Nadia. Raphael, I warned her. I told her I’d do whatever was necessary.”

“You are so sure about your course of action?”

His voice was ice. “Completely. If you make Lela sleep for a few hours, I can take care of Nadia. Then Lela will be free to go, like she should have been all along.”

What the…
Take care of Nadia?

“Malachi, be reasonable, you—”

“When Lela wakes up, take her straight to the Sanctum. I won’t be around. She won’t have to see me. She won’t have to know exactly what I’ve done. Can—”

“You mean you don’t want to face her. Cowardice is not your style, Captain.”

I jumped at the sound of metal slamming on wood. “Can you get her
out
?” shouted Malachi.

I clamped my hand over my mouth to hold back my scream. I didn’t really have words in my head, only this wall of white noise, a roar that blocked out any intelligent thoughts. He was going to hurt Nadia. He was going to kill her—send her back to the Gates to start over, making it impossible for me to find her. Once again I’d missed all the signs. I’d thought he would help me. I’d thought I could trust him.

“I think you’re doing this wrong.” Raphael still sounded perfectly calm.

“I know what you think, but that’s not what I asked. I asked if you could get her out.”

“Of course I can,” said Raphael dismissively.

Malachi sighed again as his voice gave way to sadness. “Will you make Lela sleep? Just give me a few hours—”

I didn’t wait to hear more. I slipped past the nearly closed door of the holding cell chamber and sprinted down the hall. I kept my hand pressed over my mouth against the shriek of misery trying to wriggle itself free. I didn’t see anyone until I rounded the corner to Ana’s quarters. Rais stood outside, arms folded.

“Another breach,” I panted. “Malachi needs you. He’s gathering a unit. He sent me to watch Nadia so you can go.”

Rais unfolded his arms and squinted down at me. “Run,” I ordered. “He needs every Guard he can get. Wake the others. All are needed. He asked for you specifically.”

Rais puffed out his chest and smiled. “Thank you. Your friend has been quiet and will give no trouble.” He turned and set off at a jog that shook the floor beneath my feet.

I leaned against the wall, trying to catch my breath, preparing myself for what was next. I wrenched open the door. Nadia was curled in a tight ball on Ana’s cot, but she looked up when I barged in.

I ripped the covers off her. “Haul ass, Nadia, it’s time for it all to end. I’m going to give you your wish.”

Nadia blinked at me. “You are?”

“You got it. I understand now. But you have to help me. Can you get up and come with me? I know the place to go.”

Nadia sat up swiftly with a grim look on her face. “Yes.”

I went straight to Ana’s cabinet and shuffled through her equipment. I spotted my own armor propped against the wall.
It took a few frantic minutes, but I managed to get the vest on. I pulled one of Ana’s shirts on over it, not wanting any of the Guards to see it as we left the Station. I put on a belt and clipped a small knife to it, just in case. I tugged on a pair of Ana’s boots. It all smelled like her, so I had to wipe more tears away. I wondered what she would do if she were here. Would she help me? Would she help Malachi kill Nadia? I honestly didn’t know. I didn’t want to know.

Nadia watched me intently. “Where are we going?”

“We’re going to a place where you can get what you want. An end. Don’t you want it to end?”

She narrowed her eyes. “Why are you helping me?”

I shrugged. “Because I love you.”

She tilted her head like she was actually trying to process that. I realized I hadn’t ever told her.
Ah, how am I an idiot? Let me count the ways
.

I held Nadia’s hand as we ran along the halls. I was completely sure Malachi would be waiting around every corner we turned. He had read me
so
freaking easily. At any moment he would discover I was gone, and he would come after us.

I hated not having him on my side. And I was terrified of having him as an enemy. I knew he didn’t want to hurt me. He thought he was helping me. But obviously he didn’t understand me at all if killing my best friend was how he wanted to do it.

I would not have another chance to get Nadia out if he caught us. I could only hope Rais was capable of quickly spreading the
rumor of another breach. I hoped it would distract Malachi long enough. I ran along the final hallway, heart hammering, and skidded to a stop a few yards from the front entrance, putting my arm up to slow Nadia. “We’re going to stroll out of here, like we’re going for a walk, all right?”

Nadia nodded.

Predictably, Hani emerged from a dark corner just as I got my hand on the front door. “Do you have Malachi’s permission to be taking her out? He dragged her back in a few hours ago.”

I gave him my sweetest smile. “We’ve reached an understanding with Nadia, haven’t we?”

I looked at Nadia, who nodded compliantly. Then I looked back at Hani with a serious face. “Why would you think I’d do anything without Malachi’s permission? We all know what he does when his orders are not obeyed.”

Hani shivered. “Go ahead.”

“Thanks, Hani, enjoy your day,” I said cheerfully as I hustled Nadia out the door and into the street.

“Where are we going?” she asked, obviously doubting my sincerity.

“Just follow me.” I closed my eyes and pictured the view of the city from the top of the tower.