Sanctum (Guards of the Shadowlands, Book 1) (36 page)

“Honey, shut that brain of yours up for just a minute and think about where you are. Focus, baby. Say what you came here to say.”

“I want you to release Nadia. And keep me.” I sounded braver than I felt, but I knew I didn’t fool her.

Her eyes flashed with a carnivorous amusement that made my knees knock together. “
Hmmm
. You think you’re the solution to this problem. You want to be in control, to fix it. That’s what brought you to this place.”

“I might have dreamed about this place before, but after she died, everything changed. I was inside her head. That’s what brought me to this place: visions of Nadia,” I managed to squeak. “Any chance you, ah, had something to do with that?”

Her lips curled slightly, like she was trying not to laugh. “Are you under the impression that you were forced to come here?” Her voice dripped with both humor and some serious back-the-eff-up danger.

My heart stuttered in my chest. “No,” I whispered.

She scoffed. “You were the one who made the decision—the visions didn’t do that for you. You could have chosen to stay safe in your bed. You knew how bad this place was, but you came anyway. You could have chosen the Countryside. But you didn’t. What brought you here was your belief that you could fix Nadia, that you were the magic pill she needed to take.”

I wanted to argue with her. But then I thought about it. All my sacrifices
were
based on the assumption that I was the solution. And with everything that had happened since I’d found Nadia, it looked like the Judge was right. I had thought I would rescue Nadia. But nothing I’d done had changed things for her. I couldn’t fix my broken friend. Not even here, not even now.

“But I can, honey. And I’m going to let you help me. You’ve been through so much, and you’ve been brave. You’re going to turn out all right, I can tell. So I’m going to give you this gift.”

The Judge glided over to Nadia, who looked completely boneless, and put her hands on my friend’s shoulders. “Nadia, look at me.” She obeyed, and the Judge patted her head as if she were a small child. “Now, get up and walk over here.”

Nadia let the Judge help her to her feet and took a few steps toward me. Her gaze was downcast, and she looked like she was about to faint. The Judge put her arm around Nadia’s shoulders. “Lela’s got some questions for you.” She nodded at me. “Go ahead, baby.”

I took a deep breath and let it all come out. “Why did you do it? Was it me? Was it because I was so mean that night? Was it because I walked away?”

Nadia stared at me, this sad, slow, glazed look. I almost turned away. I almost begged her not to answer me. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear anything she had to say.

The Judge sighed and kissed Nadia on the cheek. Nadia’s eyes widened. She stood up straight and met my gaze. “Of course it wasn’t you. You were the only reason I stuck around as long as I did. I told you—I wanted to know your secret. Do you know how many times I looked at you and tried to pretend I was looking in a mirror? I wanted to be that strong, too. And I borrowed your strength for a long time, and it kept me going. But I just couldn’t do it anymore, Lela. I was really tired, and
it wasn’t fair to you, either. You have to understand that it was all fake. My life was fake. I was a fake. You were friends with somebody who didn’t exist. You thought I was this nice, happy person, but I wasn’t. You thought I had answers, but I didn’t. You thought I could go with you, that I could keep up, but I couldn’t. I knew if you ever met the real me, you’d probably just walk away. Everyone would. I couldn’t fool them for much longer, and it hurt to keep pretending.”

Nadia blinked. She looked mildly surprised that she’d been able to string together so many words at once.

It didn’t matter how many words she’d said. They didn’t make any sense to me. How could she really believe that? “But you didn’t have to fool anyone. We all loved you—”

“No, you loved the
illusion
of me.”

I did love Nadia, but I wanted to punch her. Like I was too stupid to tell the difference between someone who was fake and someone who was real. I could tell. I only wished I’d shown her that when she was still alive. But I hadn’t. I’d pretended that she just needed some cheering up and then she’d be fine. Like everyone else, I’d pretended not to see the real her because it scared me too much. Maybe it reminded me of how desperate and sad I’d once been. Maybe I couldn’t stand to think of her like that. And in the end, the thing I feared the most—that she would leave me—was exactly what had happened.

The Judge interrupted my mental meltdown. “Show her,” she instructed.

“Show her what?”

“Your arm.”

I waved my arm in front of Nadia, suddenly embarrassed that beneath my sleeve was a tattoo of her face. It was way too little, way too late. Pathetic.

The Judge laughed out loud. “Baby, you’re like a television show I can’t stop watching. It’s not too late, but it will be if you don’t mind me. Get over yourself and show your friend the tattoo before I get irritated.”

She stopped smiling and stared at me with this unblinking, soul-penetrating gaze. Yipes. I rolled up my sleeve and held out my arm.

“Now, tell Nadia why
you’re
here, Lela.”

I didn’t say anything, still mad. At her. At myself.

“Baby, this is your
chance
,” she said. “Trust me. Don’t waste the opportunity I’m giving you.”

I heard the warning in her voice and swallowed hard. Nadia stared at my arm. All right, this was it. Maybe I could make up for the times I’d failed her. “I may have wanted to live, but I wasn’t really living. You saved me when I didn’t even think I needed it. You showed me a future I never thought I could have. That was real.”

Nadia winced, but then she looked up at me, so I continued. “I wouldn’t be with you in this crazy place if you hadn’t done those things for me. I came here because of what you mean to me. I came here because I love you—and I never thought
you were perfect. You see your face on my arm. I finally recognized the real you, and guess what? That’s who I love. The real you is who I came here for. Look—I’m sorry I shut you out and was afraid to really see what was happening. I’m sorry I ran away. Maybe we wouldn’t be here if I’d listened to you, if I’d challenged you. I’m so sorry I screwed that up—but I do love you. And I desperately wish I’d said that to you when you were alive.”

Nadia kept staring. There was a glimmer in her eyes, like maybe something I’d said hit home. But it was just a glimmer. No big revelation, no shining moment.

I looked at the Judge, helpless. “I don’t know what else to say.”

“It may not seem like it now, but that was enough. It’s a start.” The Judge turned to Nadia and put her hand, tipped with very long, very purple fingernails, on the side of Nadia’s face. “Nadia. You are in so much pain. Look at me. Do you want to feel better?”

Say yes. Say yes
. But Nadia actually seemed uncertain. It was freaking unbelievable.

And then, all of a sudden, it hit me.

Malachi had said some people found the sickness easier than the cure. For Nadia, accepting that she was good enough to be loved really
was
harder than being miserable and alone.

I felt so sorry for her. I wanted to cry. And I realized that the Judge had done this for me, not for Nadia. I couldn’t fix
Nadia—I was nowhere near enough. Nadia had things to work out, and I couldn’t do it for her. I could only make sure she knew how I felt about her, how much she meant to me. The Judge had simply given me the chance to hear Nadia out and to be honest about my own feelings. That was the gift: helping me understand my friend and forgive her for leaving me.

The Judge gently took Nadia’s shoulders and turned her toward the shimmering Countryside. “Can you see what’s in front of you, baby?”

“I don’t know,” whispered Nadia, narrowing her eyes.

“Look,” instructed the Judge. “See what’s in front of you.”

Nadia gasped and started to cry.

The Judge looked over her shoulder at me and smiled. “All right, Lela. I’m going to accept your offer. Nadia will be released. Think of it as parole. And you—”

The door to the chamber crashed open, filling the room with an ocean of noise.

“Wait!”

I swung my gaze to the back of the room in time to see Malachi, staff whirling, take out the four Guards nearest the entrance. He moved with deadly precision, and his expression was one of absolute desperation and determination. I had to clap my hand over my mouth to keep from calling his name. I had to tense every muscle to keep from running straight to him.

“Malachi,” the Judge whispered harshly, putting her hands on her hips. I guess she was not so impressed with him.

“Malachi, Malachi,” mumbled the Guards, looking around in alarm. Those nearest the door stepped back in unison, and those nearer to us followed suit, moving away from the devastating arc of his staff.

When he saw no one was trying to stop him, Malachi threw down his staff but kept running, his eyes fixed on the Judge. “Stop! Please! I request to be heard,” he shouted as he ran. He skidded to a stop a few yards from me and fell to his knees, hands up and weaponless.

The Judge laughed as she stared down at him. “You’ve changed since the first time I saw you, but you still have a flare for the dramatic entrance.”

Breathing hard, Malachi lowered his head and put his hands on his thighs. “I’m sorry. Please hear me.”

“You haven’t changed in this respect, either. Still arrogant. Boy, you have just disrupted a hearing.
Again
.” The Judge’s voice echoed painfully off every surface in the room, like there were a thousand of her, all talking at the same time. I clamped my hands to my ears for a few moments.

Malachi flinched and kept his head down. “I apologize for my arrogance. Please, I have something to say.”

The Judge waved her hand. “You can wait until after I’ve rendered my verdict on these two.” But her smile held something else.

Expectation.

Oh no. He’s going to
—

“I offer myself.”

The Judge’s smile grew wide with satisfaction. Her teeth gleamed white as the walls. “I will listen.”

Malachi raised his head to look at her. “I offer my service in exchange for this girl’s freedom.” He pointed to Nadia.

“That girl is paid for, my boy.”

Malachi’s eyes went round. “No.
No
.” He turned to me for the first time. “Lela, please, no. You don’t know what you’re doing. You don’t know what it’s like, trying to keep up with the Guard. It’s dangerous. It’s grueling. It’s
lonely
.” His face twisted into an agonized expression. “Please, don’t do this.”

I shook my head and smiled at him sadly. “I have to.”

Malachi turned back to the Judge, his face hard with determination. “Mazikin have breached the wall. You need me to take care of this, especially since Ana is gone. Lela won’t be able to. She’s too new. She’ll need training—”

“Oh, I don’t know,” drawled the Judge as she glided over to me and laid a hand on my head. “Lela has many talents. You aren’t giving her enough credit.”

Malachi closed his eyes and nodded. “I know what she is capable of. But you could have me instead. I have served well for almost seventy years. This is a crucial time.”

“Oh, you have no idea,” she crooned, stroking my hair absently. “Tell me, Malachi, what could make you storm my
chambers for a
second
time? No one in history has had enough nerve. What made you come here?”

“You know why.”

The Judge paused midstroke and closed her hand around a section of my hair. She didn’t pull, but I didn’t dare move, either. “Of course I do. But I want to hear you say it, dear boy. Cheer up! This is your chance to say what’s on your mind without her interrupting you!”

Malachi sighed as he gazed at me. Even from that distance, the heat of his expression blew several circuits in my mind. “Because of the way she looked at me. She should have looked at me with fear. I did some pretty scary things. Most people would agree I am a scary person.”

I stared at him, amazed as he echoed my own words so flawlessly.

“But that’s not how she looked at me. She looked at me as if she saw something else inside me—something wonderful, something worth knowing—and she was the only person who could make it come out. She taught me things. She gave me things. Amazing things. A vision of myself—different from what I had been, better, but still me. I don’t think she really recognized how she was bringing me to life. It came so naturally to her.”

He wrapped his arms around his body, holding himself together. I knew what was coming next. I almost rushed forward
but was frozen in place, the Judge’s hand tangled in my hair.

“I don’t know if I did the same for her,” he said quietly. “Since we’re here right now, my guess would be that I didn’t. But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change how I feel. I love her, and I would do anything for her.”

No one in my life had ever said that to me.
No one
had ever told me they loved me. And now this boy, this strange, dangerous, amazing boy, had done it.

The Judge released my hair and clapped a few times. “Malachi, how sweet. This time you interrupted my proceedings and beat on my Guards for a
selfless
reason. This is definite progress.”

Malachi’s eyebrows rose, and I recognized the hope in his eyes.

It dimmed with her next words.

“But it’s not up to you. Lela, this decision will be yours.” She turned her midnight gaze on me. I shrank back. “You will decide his fate and your own. Allow Malachi to remain in my service indefinitely, and you and Nadia can leave the city together. Otherwise, you are mine for as long as I need you. Nadia can go, but you will stay and serve.”

I looked at Nadia, who would be healed and happy and golden in the sunlight of the Countryside. I could go with her and avoid all the pain and horror of being a Guard. I wouldn’t
have to fight anymore. Peaceful happiness lay just a few short steps away, something I’d never experienced in all my life.

Except…except those few moments with Malachi when everything had fallen into place. Those moments had given me a taste of happiness, of love, of perfect contentment. I looked at him now, his eyes pleading, begging me to give him up, to toss him away and forget about him, to go with Nadia and be happy. How could I let him do this? He had given me so much and taken so little. As it turned out, this was the one thing I could give him. Ana’s final words echoed in my head.