Sapphic Embrace: The Housewife (5 page)

CHAPTER NINE

Going Slow

Amy managed to avoid Jen until after Fall break.

Given that her possessions resided in the same room as said roommate, doing so was a rather remarkable feat. It took a day of skipped classes to collect enough clothes to last the two weeks, as well as her computer and her schoolbooks. And then she spent another afternoon hovering in the laundry room to spy on the door and see when Jen left so that she could make a mad dash for bathing supplies, some extra undies and her journal (which she'd unfortunately left in her hectic bid at escape earlier. Imagining what Shamika and Jen had been doing still distracted her.) The rest of the time away was spent rooming with Damien. He was a sophomore and had, after a disastrous first year in the dorms decided to save his money and rent an apartment with a friend. Said friend was always with his girlfriend these days so there was no problem if Amy slept half naked on the couch every night.

And so her last couple of weeks before break went. Between classes she sat on the couch eating cookies, doing homework and moping. Part of her wanted to go to Jody because he was the only gay person she knew and maybe he'd make sense of her confusion. But he was also a gossip. The last thing she wanted was for the kiss to be common knowledge. No, no she had to deal with it on her own. But no matter how she twisted the situation around, the question that kept her up at night remained: what did her reaction mean?

After all she'd enjoyed it, hadn't she? And when Amy saw Shamika on top of Jen, her fingers... well... She warred between embarrassment and fury. No, not fury. Jealousy. And once she'd reached that realization her discomfiture ballooned to the point that she skipped two days of classes just so she didn't have to face people.

Even Damien began prying, and he normally stayed out of such things. "Can't you just talk to her?" he'd asked when he found her face down in a pillow in her underwear at two in the afternoon, an empty pint of Ben & Jerry's on the table. "You're both clearly miserable. She calls at least twice a day asking about you, the least you could do is call back."

But she couldn't. Because facing Jen meant facing these new and terrifying emotions and Amy just wasn't prepared for that yet.

Thankfully fall break came just in time. All her midterms ended weeks earlier, her major projects were nearing completion. Now she had a week to go home and pretend things were normal. The cloying flight to DC in a tiny toy of a plane was more than worth it when she stepped through the door to her patchouli infused house and into her Mama June's waiting arms. The immediate sense of peace was almost overwhelming and it was all Amy could do not to burst into tears right then. Because this was what she'd been needing the past two confusing weeks.

Thankfully she kept her head and got through the cooing and doting that her mother did. A cup of rose chair tee and some spirulina almond cookie later she was in her room drinking in the familiarity like a thirsty man in the dessert. Though she had no idea what to do about Jen, the situation seemed far less apocalyptic in this familiar den. How many boyfriends had she cried tears over in here? How many failed tests and lost opportunities did she mourn? And that pillow in the corner, how many nights did she scream into it out of pure rage or hug it with the thrill of a new crush? There had been confusing times before and she'd gotten through them. And for the first day and a half of break she ignored her problems in favor of her old haunts and old habits. But while successful it did little for actually discovering answers.

And so it was just after a rather awkward Thanksgiving dinner with her family that she finally broached the topic with her mother. Dinner had been an awkward affair, as it always was. Her grandmother commented judgmentally on the dust she saw on the lamp shades and her grandfather demanded to know why the hell they were living like some high roller and his mistress. It started a whole kerfuffle that ended up with the cranberry poured on her grandma's dress and both her Dad and his father driving home before dessert.

Still better than last Christmas.

It was after this tumultuous end to the evening that Amy padded into the kitchen. Dishes were stacked and Mama June had stopped muttering angrily to herself about ten minutes earlier. The situation was about as safe as it would get.

"Uh...Mama?"

Mama June just grunted as she scrubbed intently at a pot. Losing some of her nerve, the girl forced herself to press on.

"Listen I... I need advice. If this isn't a good time I could just--"

Immediately, the wet pot ended up on the counter and her mama was tugging her gloves off. "No, no darling you tell me now. Mama June is here to listen. It's been so long since we've talked like this. Do you want I should put tea on?"

"No, no," Amy immediately said, twisting her hands a bit nervously. Should she just come out with it? After an inner tug-of-war she gave into her fear and distanced herself. "Look... ah... one of my friends is asking me for help but I don't know what tell h-him."

"What's going on?" Her mama's brow furrowed and Amy let out a shaky breath.

"Okay, so, a couple of weeks ago he walked in and found his roommate with... with another boy in his bed. The roommate's bed, that is, not my friends... and... and he didn't exactly take it well and he ran but...but when the roommate went after him they... he... kissed him. The roommate kissed him and now he doesn't know what to do."

Mama June stared at her eyes for a long moment, clearly thinking something over. "Well," she finally said slowly. "Does your... friend... like his roommate?"

"That's the thing! S--He has never thought about being gay before! Now all of a sudden he's thinking about kissing the boy all the time and... and seeing him with that other boy just... It makes him so jealous. And now he's hiding out with a friend because he's afraid to face his roommate and I don't know what to tell him." So glad to just  have it out in the open, even if they weren't specifically talking about her. Relieved, Amy let her head thunk down onto the countertop as she allowed herself a moment of angst.

The silence that followed was simultaneously awkward and comfortable, often the case when talking about personal things with her mama. After all, she was still a teenager. Opening up like this was comforting to the small child in her but embarrassing to the resentful teen she'd developed into. Finally, Mama June got up and poured herself and Amy and extra cup of tea each and brought back over to the counter. After adding in a squeeze of honey and stirring, her mother took a sip, wiped her lip and began to speak.

"So, Jen kissed you. I wondered what happened." Amy spat her tea out, coughing violently, and gave her mother a bug-eyed look. "Oh don't look so surprised. It doesn't take a college degree to recognize that something was going on. For months everything is 'Jen did this' and 'you won't believe what Jen and I did!' Honestly, I'd already began to wonder. But then you suddenly stopped talking about her and... well... it's good to know why."

"Are... are you okay with... everything?"

Mama June laughed. "Oh darling, I'd be a bit of hypocrite if I was bothered by something silly like that! Now your father... he'd be a harder sell. But you're my daughter, hell or high-water, and something like a crush isn't going to scare me off. Guy, girl or otherwise, I"m not the slightest bit bothered."

Feeling as though a great weight had been lifted off her chest, Amy took another sip of her tea. "So... what do I do then?"

"Do you like her?"

"Yes but.... but I'm not a lesbian! There's just something about her that I-"

"Darling," the woman interrupted. "Who said anything about you being gay? Contrary to common belief, there are more options than gay or straight. But if you want my honest opinion, I'd say see where it goes. Don't reach forty regretting a chance you never took. And I should know. I took a huge chance on your father and look! Twenty-four years later I have a beautiful daughter and a good life."

"You don't live with him..." Mama waved her off.

"Semantics," she said dismissively. "The point it that allowing fear and labels to hold you back is silly. Being happy, that's the trick. And if it's not hurting anyone, then what does it matter?"

It was a good point, one that Amy spent the rest of break thinking about. After that kernel of wisdom the subject changed to classes and how to pack turkey. But the talk lingered in her mind for the rest of break and by the time she set foot back on campus, Amy felt prepared to face Jen again.

Of course, after spending twenty minutes shoring up her courage in the car, Amy walked into an empty room. Wherever Jen went for break she hadn't come back yet. As the hours ticked by, her never bled away. What if Jen was with Shamika? What if something happened? What if her friend couldn't forgive her for disappearing? What if she did forgive her? Jen still felt uncomfortable with the potential budding relationship between them but she was keeping an open mind.

It was nine and dark outside before the door finally swung open. Thankfully she was alone. If that girl had been with her... Amy took a deep, calming breath and stood up.

"Jen?"

"Holy shit!" The girl jumped back, hand against her chest and bag hitting the floor. "Jesus Christ you scared the shit out of me!"

Amy raised her hands apologetically. "Sorry, I didn't mean to I... I thought you saw me."

"In a dark room?"

Oh, right. She hadn't actually turned the lights on yet. She'd been sort of half napping on her bed and didn't bother with the lamp.  Sheepishly, she shrugged and struggled to figure out what to say. There was this uncomfortable wall between them, a barrier that hadn't been there before the kiss. And Amy had absolutely no idea how to break it down. Jen had confessed an incredibly personal secret to her, albeit unplanned, and she'd don the equivalent of spat in her face. One of her unpleasant realizations over break was that she was the one in the wrong.

But she had no idea how to make it right.

"I suppose saying I'm sorry isn't good enough?"

Jen gave her a tight smile. "It's a good start."

"Look Jen," Amy collapsed back on her bed and patted the space next to her. Jen tentatively sat down next to her. "I know I screw up. I do. Just... Seeing you with her It just... I don't know, I was so mad and I couldn't face it and then you kissed me and I was so confused I just... I needed time to think. And I know that wasn't fair to you. I've been kicking myself for doing something so stupid."

"What was there to think about?" Jen said, still looking suspicious.

"My best female friend kissed me. Would that at least give you a bit of food for thought?"

Jen frowned. "I suppose I might have been a bit rash," she admitted. " I just... I like you Amy. And you were so angry and you were yelling and I just.... I didn't know how else to tell you. I've never been as good with words as you. Do you think we can just.... forget it ever happened? A do-over?"

"No."

"What?"

"I said no, I don't want a do-over," Amy wrung her hands nervously. "Look Jen, I've spent the past three weeks thinking about this and... and I have no idea what the hell this is. But kissing you felt... it felt good. So whatever comes of that I think I'd like to see where it goes. But I need you to promise me something."

"Anything," she replied instantly.

"I need to promise that you won't hide things from me anymore. That... that you'll talk to me before doing rash things. I don't like people keeping secrets and lying to me. If you'd have just said something we could have avoided all of this."

"I promise," she said sincerely, a wide grin on her face. The past had already been forgiven. "Does this mean I can kiss you? You're not the only one whose been thinking about that kiss, you know."

Grinning back, glad that the tension seemed diffused, she nodded and leaned forward with her eyes closed. The first, light brush of lips was just as wonderful as she remembered. It sent an electric rush through her and made her heart skip a beat. It was still awkward as they tried to work around each other, figure out how to make parts fit together. But eventually she tasted mint and was indefinitely glad she'd brushed her teeth earlier.

When she was in high school, Amy always wondered about the allure of making out. Every time she'd don it all she felt was wet and gross. Boys slobbered on her with overactive tongues and onion-scented breath. Meanwhile, they came in with a hand up for a grope without even trying to make her feel good. It always seemed like a pointless and unpleasant exercise.

With Jen it was different. The girl lowered her to the bed, one leg swinging so that she was straddling her and leaning back on her hips and thighs. Despite the knowledge that she'd never allowed anything more than a kiss to develop, it was nonetheless heady. A curtain of blonde curls fell over her face, shielding them from the street lamp light pouring through the window. It created a sort of private bubble. Nothing existed now besides Jen, her lips and those amazing wandering hands.

While her friend's tongue did delightful things to her lips and mouth, Jen's hand moved along her body with expert precision. Without turning it overtly sexual she nonetheless left Amy rather breathless. Wanting to create the same sensations for Jen, she let her hands roam awkwardly. The curves were unusual. Familiar in that she had them herself but so different from the hard, slim bodies of the boys she'd attempted this with. Not bad though. Definitely not bad.