Save Me: A TAT Novella (3 page)

“Cal.” She says my name, but I just keep pressing into her and dropping sweet kisses to her lips. “Cal…?” This time it’s like a question. The pain in her voice has me opening my eyes, tears be damned, and looking at the most beautiful woman in the world.

“Yeah baby?” I say, my voice is so quiet I’m not sure she heard me, but she had her eyes on mine. I know without a doubt she did.

She just looks at me, her hands on my back, my ass, my neck as I press, and press, and press. “Don’t stop Cal.” She says and I get the feeling she is asking me to not stop loving her.

Panic fuels through my body, and I snap to the moment at hand and what needs to be done. I close my eyes again and shake my head no. I’m trying to clear my thoughts, but at the same time, I’m begging her to set me free. I don’t know if I can walk away undamaged.

I pull back from her kiss, and single mindedly thrust against her body, slamming into her with the purpose of a hopeless man in search of redemption for what he knows he will do next.

Her moaning picks up and I catch her breathless chant of ‘yes, yes, yes,’ just seconds before her pussy clamps down on me and I freeze, too late to stop it- and too fucking insanely good to care. I didn’t put a rubber on and I shoot every drop of my come into her without thought or pause.

I wasn’t terrified of fear that she’d get pregnant. I knew Tay was on birth control… it was fear because something inside of me got off on the fact that I had marked her. I claimed her as my territory. Like a fucking dog or some shit.

I fall on top of her, panting and seriously too beat to move. I don’t know if it was the emotions, the fucking, or the combination of both, but I couldn’t move. When I felt Tayla rubbing her nails up and down my back, and the fact I didn’t want her to stop, I finally lifted my head from the crevice of her neck and looked at her. Seeing those violet eyes on me full of love and promise, I jerked out of her body and flew from the bed, utterly haunted by what just happened. I make my way to the bathroom without a word or a look to her.

Once I’m behind closed doors, I lean back and I can finally take a deep breath. I was seconds from confessing my undying love to her.

I walk to the sink and splash my face with water; slapping myself a few times, hoping to gain some fucking sanity.

“Get it together you pussy.” I reprimand myself, but it does no good. I know the minute I leave the bathroom- I will end all fucking, all hope for more and sure as shit, ill stop this need for love.

“You keep this shit up with her, when it ends, you’ll tank the band.” I say this to myself while looking so closely at my reflection. I’m fucking scared of the man that is looking back at me. I can see the fear of losing her, it collides with the fear of staying. I know I’ll cheat or fuck it all up somehow. I know I will. I fucking love the fangirls too damn much. Even if I didn’t cheat, I know I would never be able to put her first. She didn’t deserve my shit or my ego. She deserved the world, and as bad as it sucked admitting it, I knew that would never be me.

Decision made, I stood and forced my emotions down and waited until I was in check before leaving the bathroom.

“What time is it?” I ask when I walk back in the room. I can see from the corner of my eye that she isn’t in the bed, but beside it, pulling the gown over her head.

“Um, just after midnight.” She says, but I can sense the distance in her voice.

I throw on a pair of basketball shorts and a plain gray t shirt. I pause knowing I have to look at her eventually. She beats me to it though, when I feel her hand on my shoulder and her voice just beside me. “Cal?”

I take a deep breath and look to the side; raising my brows. “Yeah?”

“You okay?” She asks and tilts her head to the side, trailing her fingers along my neck.

I hate myself in this moment, and I will never forgive myself for it. I shoo her hand from my neck and walk toward the kitchenette to pull a mini bottle of
Jameson
from the shelf.

“Cal –“

I cut her off. “C’mon Tay, don’t be that girl. It doesn’t suit you, and it sure as fuck doesn’t work on me.”

I see her violet eyes flash with anger. “What girl is that Cal?” She asks and places her hand on her hip; totally ready to go the rounds with me like we always do lately.

“The type to pretend there was more going on than a hot fuck.” I take a shot and keep my eyes on her, pretending I don’t know I just verbally kicked her ass. “Like a fangirl.” I say adding insult to injury as I set the shot glass down and pour another; emptying the mini bottle.

“Oh.” She says it with a sneer and I know I’m pissing her off.

“Yeah, so chill.” I open another mini bottle, for my self destruction line up, and take the shot I had just poured.

“Why are you acting like this?” She asks her voice serious instead of the usual pissy tone she gives me when we argue.

I throw my hands in the air faking defeat. “Jesus Tayla, like what?”

“Like what just happened, didn’t fucking happen.” She steps up until we are as close as possible. “Like that.”

I laugh and it sounds arrogant and rude. “And what do you think just happened? I was there, it was good yeah…” I trail off letting my mouth full of bullshit settle.

“That was just good sex huh?” She asks, but I detect the sadness she is trying to hide.

“Tay…” I place my hands on her shoulders and look her in the eye. I am sincere in this. “That’s all it ever is.”

“We both know that’s not true.” I see her eyes fill with unshed tears and I hate it.

“Don’t do this Tay. Don’t destroy what we have by giving it a label. We both do our thing. We live and breathe music, the band and fun. I love you Tay, but you’re my friend. One I fuck often.”

She stares me down, and I mean
stares me down
. I feel a thousand blades of hatred stabbing me through the heart from just the look she is giving me. Then, like a switch goes off, she lets her head fall back and laughs, without humor. “Oh my God, Cal. I can’t believe I never saw it before now.”

“Saw what?” I ask and I am scared shitless, gutless and nutless that she is seeing right through all of this bull and knows I’m lying through my teeth.

“What a fucking pussy you are. You’re pathetic Cal.”

The only way to end this is to be brutal, and so I pull out all my guns. “No Tay, pathetic is imagining that we could
ever
be more than fuck buddies. You are trying to make something out of nothing and I can’t help you find reason in that. I love you, absolutely, but I am so sorry if I ever made you think that we were more. I don’t love chicks Tay. I don’t do relationships and I don’t promise more than an orgasm. If you’re looking for more from me, knowing damn well who I am, that’s on you. You chose to fuck me, multiple times. I never forced you. You always came to me willingly. I can’t help that you tried making it more than it was.”

She closes her eyes and looks over her shoulder, her pride on the floor where I stomped on it. I watch as she tries to hide the tears that are falling. “So that’s it? You feel nothing more than friendship for me?”

Jesus, why won’t she tell me to fuck off and leave already? This is fucking torture for both of us.  “Of course I care Tayla. You’re important to me, but it’s never going to be romantic.”

“It just was romantic, God damn it!” She yells and her voice cracks as tears fall from her eyes.

It was life altering, but I keep that thought to myself.

“No Tay, it wasn’t romantic, it was intense. And until this fucking second I thought it was the best sex of my life.”

“You kissed me…” She whispers and I want to hold her so bad right now.

“I always kiss you Tay.” I pull her against me so I can hold her, but she pulls from me not allowing it.

“You never have kissed me in bed, except for the first night we fucked.” She is back to pissed off once again.

“Jesus Tay, it’s weird as fuck that you know that.” I fucking know it too and I was just as affected by our kissing tonight.

“I kind of hate you right now.” She says it with complete belief that she does, but we both know better.

“For what? Being honest?”

“For lying Cal. You’re a fucking liar and a son of a bitch.”

I let out an exhausted sigh and clasp my hands behind my neck, tell for me that I’m about fucking done arguing. “About what?” I ask exasperated.

“About the fact you don’t feel more than friendship, and fuck you for making it out like I’m fucking delusional. I know what I feel Cal, and I feel it from you in waves.”

I take in every word she says and I see her stand with pride and a strong belief that what she is saying is true, and oh fuck it is, but I’ll deny until I die. No matter how bad I want her, I will never go there on an emotional level. I would destroy her. She may look the part of a bad ass, and in most situations she is, but we are talking matters of the heart and Tayla is innocent with love. I feel bad for her, knowing she wasn’t prepared for me and she doesn’t deserve the heartache I’m giving her. Even if it’s the best thing for her.

“What do you want from me Tay? Huh? You want hearts and flowers and that shit aint in my vocabulary.”
The look of hurt that she gave me was one I don’t think I could ever forget. I knew why I was breaking her. Better now than another year down the road. I could never be like my boys. I was a different breed of guy. I love pussy. All pussy. I enjoy a buffet of it, if you will. I am not a
one pussy for the rest of my life
type of guy. I’m more the
flavor of the week
guy. I respect the fuck out of Tay. Knowing I’m hurting her is shredding me. I would be a liar if I said I didn’t care for her. I care a fuck of a lot more than I should.
It’s why I’m ending things now.
I’m ending it in a way I know she won’t ever look back.

I’m a broken fucking record because I can’t stop telling myself, reminding myself, why I’m doing this.
“Maybe have a heart for once Cal.” Her voice scratched like an open wound. She was damn near silent saying those words, the cracking in her voice was not unnoticed. “Admit I’m more to you than all the rest were.”
More? Fuck she had no idea she was everything. Hell until recently
I
had no idea she was everything…and it was all the more reason to run far and run fast.
“
Are
Tay, the rest
are
. Do you want me to lie to you to lessen the blow? Want me to pretend they don’t exist? Pretend that two nights ago, it wasn’t a redheaded vixen with legs that went for days, clawing my back?” Tears spilled free of her violet eyes at my brutal confession, her tattooed hand covering lips I was desperate to kiss. Shaking my head I forced myself to continue, to break her heart and force her hate upon me. “Pretend that two hours ago I wasn’t telling the blonde at the front desk when I would be free and alone in my room tonight? This is who I am Tay. This is who I have
always
been.”
“No!” She cried out with fierce loyalty for me. She stepped toward me ducking and dodging to follow my eyes as I tried to look anywhere but at her. “You look at me God damn it!” She screamed and caught my chin in her tiny palm forcing me to see her.
I swatted her hand and stepped back. “Back the fuck up Tay, damn.”
She slapped me.
Hard.
I felt the burn of her palm across my cheek, but the sound was an echo in the room. “Fuck you and everything I thought you stood for.”
I watched her face as she took in the truth of how callus and ruthless I am. Saw the switch come on, as the pain of my ending things settled on her soul. I watched her touch her fingers to her lips; fuck me red polish against pale skin. It was there my own heart broke in half.
Broke, because I watched her leave me.
It was then and there I finally took a breath and fell back against the over sized chair in my suite. I waited for the awful weight that had been plaguing me to lift. I ended things. I forced her to see me for all I was so she would leave.
So why did I feel that pressure tenfold in her absence?
Before I could ponder the ramifications of what I just did, a knock sounded at my suite door. In a daze, I walked toward the door- the only thought I had was the flashing image of her eyes as the tears fell from them. The look of her tattooed hand over her mouth, or the perfect red painted nails that touched her lips before she left.
It was opening the door and seeing the stacked blonde dressed to kill that snapped me back to reality, and the life I just threw it all away for.
“Right on time gorgeous.” I said and let her in.

*

Time escaped me with the blonde. It could have been minutes or it could have been hours before I finished with her. The feeling of a beehive in my chest, swarming to a catastrophic peak the minute she left. I knew it had everything to do with the explosion with Tayla, and nothing to do with the stacked female that I had been inside of trying to forget her.

My phone rang and I saw it was our tour manager Brian, most likely the guys were looking to get wasted and party. After all, today was a celebration and I’m guessing the wedding was long over. I let it roll to voicemail though, not in the mood to party. It chimed a new voicemail, but I wasn’t answering tonight. Now, I had literally no string attached to me and I would be living it up with the crew from here out, since all my boys were settled down. I could see the good qualities of being settled, could see why guys wanted that life, but I knew I could never live it.