Save Me: A TAT Novella (6 page)

Cal:

They said psyche needs to see him, grief counselor I guess, once he is calm.

Cal:

Chad and Carrie just left. Chad says he is sorry? WTF for I have no idea. No one apologizes for that. No one, feel me?

Cal:

I’m heading home…I know you got this. Talk to the nurses when you can k?

I swiped a quick reply.

Me:

Yeah I will. He’s calm now. I got this. Go sleep.

I left it at that and sent a quick text to Cassa.

Me:

I’m staying with Noah babe. No choice I’ll explain tomorrow. I love you Cassa Rae James.

Her text was immediate.

Wife:

Cal called I already know. I’m so proud of you for everything today. Goodnight hubby, I love you more.

I could have texted her all night, but it was then Noah spoke and his voice was horse and raw, shocking me he had one at all. “I fucked up.” He said and lifted his head and looked at me. His eyes were swollen and bloodshot, his nose red and his face wet. Add to it the bruises and various scratches and shit and he looked like he went a round with
Rocky Balboa
. “I couldn’t save her.” He cried and slammed his eyes shut as more tears spilled out. A God awful sound of pain came out of him as a sob. “Oh God Shame, I tried I swear to fuck I tried, but it was too late.”

I flew from my chair and went to the bed so I was close and put my arm on his shoulder wanting him to look at me so he knew this wasn’t his fault.

“Noah, man, it wasn’t your fault.”

Fuck I sounded weak. I stayed there and waited but all he did was cry harder and curse God, over and over...

*

I stood in front of my closet and glared at the black suit before me. We were burying Candey today. The service was being held at the church Candys mother was a part of, and buried at Harbor Cemetery. A wake would be held for close family and friends tonight at Howie’s.

It had been sixteen days since her death. Sixteen days since our life changed. Fourteen days since Noah went bat shit crazy and broke down. He came home from the hospital four days ago with a cane, a prescription of painkillers and he set in motion the procession of this funeral.

I watched the suit hang and I felt the weight of the last two weeks. I had been at Noah’s side nonstop since the night of his breakdown. There was this unspoken agreement between us. He had this look he would give me- when it was all too much and I knew to clear the room. I had only tried to leave one time, and he had grabbed my arm and squeezed so hard he had left marks. I never left after that unless I knew he was straight. I left his house last night after Seth and Lilly left when he was asleep and I knew his meds were taking over for the night.

He had asked that we all ride together today and so Tayla had found the largest limo she could and it was due here any minute. Cassa was by the bed behind me and I felt like a complete failure as a husband. I had been gone most nights holding Noah together while Cass was at Carrie and Chad’s as they held one another together with Cal and Tayla and the TAT crew.

I knew from a few of the looks I was getting from Carrie, that she was pissed at me. I tried to let it roll off my back, Cassa had told me she was hurting and that my being Noah’s choice in this had hurt her. She kept telling me that it would pass, but the tension kept getting thicker each day he made me tell them to leave.

“You ready baby?” Cassa asked from behind me and I turned with tear filled eyes, shaking my head at the obvious. She looked at me in my boxers and nothing else and curled her beautiful self into me. She was dressed in a little black dress with her beautiful hair down in chestnut curls.

“This is killing you baby.” She said and the sadness in her voice was for me, not for her friend or Noah, but for me and the toll his sadness and need had weighed on me. I was exhausted and had circles under my eyes as well as living off nasty-ass hospital food for two weeks. At least now Noah had a stocked fridge courtesy of Lilly and her bad ass casserole supply.

“Can’t walk away yet babe. He ain’t ready.” I said the same thing I had been saying for two weeks. I knew she wasn’t mad and she understood, my wife was a saint, a savior to these soul crushing moments. She saved me every time.

I had to try to save him, because Candey was gone. He didn’t have this. I had to try, and Sassy, bless her heart, knew that.

“Get dressed baby.” She said and took my face in her dainty small hands and looked me in the eye, seeing to a part of me only she could. “I love you Shamus James.” She said and dropped a sweet kiss to my lips before leaving me to get dressed.

I looked at the suit and ripped it from the hanger and dressed numbly. Everything was pressed, black and Dior and I gave a fuck less. I heard the Limo honk twice and swooped all the various shit off our dresser. Keys, chap-stick, change and a piece of bowtie candy and the straight pin and made my way down the stairs.

“Help me babe?” I asked, handing Cassa the piece of candy and pin so she could pin it to the suit. All the men who loved her, were wearing these candies the way pallbearers wear ugly ass carnations.

We wore the sweet, the cute, the candy..and did it for Candey Love True.

*

We were getting Noah last as to not prolong the ride and build the anxiety. We stopped for Cal and Tayla first, then we grabbed Seven and Brian our roadies who were family through and through, then Mike and Roni and Carrie and Chad last. Noelle was with Seth and Lilly as were Mike and Roni’s boys and they were waiting on us at the church. As everyone climbed in, the guys all got a random piece of candy pinned to their lapels by Cassa.

Carrie threw daggers at me the minute she got in the limo. Chad tapped her knee forcing her to take her icy stare off me for two seconds. My heart was pounding and this fucking tie was too tight. I shifted in my seat as the irritation with Carrie’s hate started pissing me off. I was tired, cranky, worried and fucking stressed. I hated this, this shit we
all
were suffering because of the entire fucking thing.

“I don’t give a shit!” Carrie snapped in a not-so-quiet whisper and was back to staring me down.

“Carrie c’mon.” Chad tried, but it was too late.

I snapped.

“Let her fucking at it for God’s sake.” I said and looked right back at her, my throat tight as blood pounded in my ear drums. Fuck. I was pissed. Hopefully she would shut the fuck up…I should have.

“Well you sit there like you know what’s best. Like I have no say, none of us do.” She used her arm to indicate everyone in the limo. “I’m sick of the holier than thou shit. He’s my brother!”

I felt Cassa beside me, digging her nails into my thigh because I had started bouncing it like crazy. “You know, it’s Noah’s choice.” Chad said in my defense.

“Do you even tell him we care?” She asked and leaned forward to get in my face. I leaned back, my face going red I started ripping at my tie. I couldn’t
fucking
breathe. “Don’t ignore me Shamus!” She warned and I lost it.

“Do you think I wanted this?” I yell and turn to tap on the window to the driver. “Pull over now!” I demand and lift Cassa over me so I am beside the door. As the limo comes to a screeching halt, I fling the door open and fly out the minute it stops, slamming the door behind me.

Two seconds later, I hear that door open and see her getting out. I stuff my hands in my pockets and start walking down the street getting the fuck away from her crazy angry ass. When I felt her hand grab my arm as she screamed my name,
in my fucking ear
, my sight went black.

Ripping my arm from her grasp I spun around. She lost her footing a little, but didn’t fall and I saw the look in her eyes that said she knew she went too far. Too late though, I was done. “You think I want this? You think I asked for it? To be his fucking savior!”  I roared at the top of my lungs and she flinched at my tone. I shook my head and turned to walk away, but fuck, I wasn’t done. I turned and stomped back toward her.

Behind her was everyone, standing there- in shock twenty yards away on the side of the street watching. Chad and Cassa, both running toward Carrie and I, when I started screaming again.

“Do you think I enjoy watching his every move, every step, every mother fucking look to make sure he’s okay? I can’t fucking sleep at night, or eat, because I’m plagued with more fear than I have ever felt in my life. You forget that he isn’t only my friend, but that the band is relying on him to pull through this, that you are and Noelle, Seth and Lilly. Every one of you are praying he will be okay and find strength he don’t fucking have Carrie!!!”

Chad was now standing in front of Carrie, looking like a bull with his eyes on the red flag.

I might as well had a name tag that said I was the red mother fucking flag…
but oh
…I wanted him to hit me and I would pummel his pretty boy face. He could see that though because like a switch, he switched focus and spoke calm. “Bro, look at yourself, look at how mad you are right now.”

I was breathing fast and had ripped the fucking buttons on my shirt trying to get that fucking tie off, when Cassa stepped beside me. “Baby…” She cried and wrapped herself around me. For the first time in my life, I didn’t want her touching me.  I stood back from her and ran a hand over my head, still panting and looked at Carrie.

“Do you think it’s easy watching him? You have seen him low, but this is scary and he trusts me with it for some reason.” I took a step towards her and slammed my hand against my chest. “It’s killing me.” I cried and felt hot tears splash on my cheeks. “I leave terrified every night, long after all of you are asleep and I climb in bed…” I look at Cass and decide I can’t keep the truth in. I need them to understand “Next. To. My. Wife… and toss and turn in fear he’ll end his life before the morning.”

Carrie, Chad, Cassa and the rest of the peanut gallery behind us, all gasp at my confession and I shake my head. “Now you get it right? I married her the day he woke up, after I watched him fighting to talk and scream and cry and he was paralyzed with fear because of the tubes, the injuries… he begged me, screaming through that tube to tell him it wasn’t real and the fucking doctor knocked him out. I left that room and took her to the courthouse.”

Cassa stepped beside me and pulled on my arm, crying. “Stop it Shamus!” She begged but I was done defending myself with stoic silence. They didn’t know what I knew.

“He proposed to her at your wedding. I’m the only one who knows. She died three hours later. As he sat there begging me to tell him it was all a lie, begging me with a steel stare, I took her to the courthouse and married her the minute I left his room.”

I lost all my strength at that point and went to my knees on the cement. “That night… that night he flipped his shit. I was the one who forced it on him. I was teasing this little nurse that was bubbly as fuck…” I look up at them and see them watching me. Everyone had gathered at this point and I just hung my head and kept going. “I wanted to know he could still laugh…so I played rockstar.” I look at Chad and Cal and Tay knowing they know the game I played on the nurse. Even when we were small town, that trick always got girls numbers. I see the recognition in their eyes and am glad I don’t need to explain the game… Cassa and Carrie being there and all….

I sat silent looking at a piece of grass I had picked. “I wanted to know he would laugh. I knew if he laughed he would survive and maybe, just maybe, he’d let it out. He started crying in the laughter, just turned to tears and then he broke through.” I look up at them as I stand and toss the blade of grass before wiping at my eyes. “He flipped the fuck out…” I stepped to Carrie and took her elbows in my hands gently and she looked at me, her face wet with tears and a sadness so raw, it broke my heart.

“He needed that Care. I wasn’t about to let any of you stop it because he needed to rage. He cursed God, Candey the fucking world hun. He cursed me for telling him the truth. By the time the rage was gone he was raw and bleeding, so I sat beside him with my hand on his shoulder and let him cry. He told me things, said he couldn’t save her…” My voice cracked and I dropped her arms just as she hugged me close crying. “I can’t turn back on him now… I was there, he knows that it’s safe for me to see it. He can be weak with me and everyone else he can be Noah.”

She nodded and cried as she held me close. I looked at Chad knowing he was a possessive fucker, but he nodded and kissed Carrie on the head before reaching for Cassa and telling everyone to get in the limo.

We stayed like that for a while, just understanding his pain, knowing we both loved him, our brother…and they all fucking got it now.

Just… now I had to live with the fact I had betrayed him in telling everyone the truth behind his pain.