Save Me: A TAT Novella (4 page)

Beer wasn’t strong enough and I didn’t do drugs. I leaned down and grabbed my guitar, strumming tunes that I had never heard before, let alone what would define my style. If I keep going down this sad ass heartbroken street, I’ll end up moving on to a country band, slinging tunes to the world about missing my girl.

Blech…

I still worked the tune though, I couldn’t stop. The only thing in this world I had complete faith in, total love for, was playing guitar. Music is religion to me, the sound of my fingers sliding along new strings; my scriptures. 

My phone started going again, this time it was Seven aka Jason, one of the head roadies that had been with us from before we made it big. He was an artist in Slave to the Needle and had been part of our crew for years. I let his roll on to voicemail too, and went back to my music.

I have been this way as far back as I can remember. It started with listening to my mom play the piano as a child, and wanting to make such a perfect sound with my fingers too. I started there and it pushed me to achieve. Next was the guitar, and it was by far my first relationship- my first love. Unlike so many things in life, it has carried me the way only love can.

Against all of my will and hope, my thoughts drift to Tayla and I am gutted on the spot. I see those violet eyes, shiny with tears I know she is crying right now, and I feel like I want to cry for the sight. Fuck…but I know I’m in love with her.

I can’t survive this lifestyle with love for anything but what I do. I made that pact with the Devil when we formed TAT. I thought she was perfect for me
because
of the drive she has for career… my career. I never saw this coming. I’d never have touched her if I had.

Tay was better off.

A knock on the suite door took my attention. I stand with an aggravated groan, fully prepared to see the stacked blonde at my door hoping for more.  I open the door to see Tayla- in tears and shaking uncontrollably.

“Tay what’s the matter?” I ask and pull her into the room and right to the mini bar to pour her a drink. She is a wreck, black streaks from her mascara streaming down her face, and she is close to hyperventilating.  “Talk to me Tay, what’s going on?”

I am scared that I am the result of such sadness and hope like hell someone is dead and this isn’t because of me being such a dick to her earlier.

“An an an an accident…” She says through her sobs and my stomach drops. I didn’t mean it. Fuck I didn’t mean that I want anyone dead. I want nothing more than to be the reason for her tears now.

“An accident? Who was in an accident Tay?” I ask but I stand and head for my phone remembering Bri and Seven calling me. I play my voicemail as I watch Tay sip from the squat glass of
Jameson
on the rocks, her hands shaking and her other hand over her eyes as she cried uncontrollable, inconsolable sobs.

“Cal, call me bro. ASAP.” Was all Brian said and I hit delete. Next was Seven, and I could hear the pain in his voice. “Cal, bro. Call me dude. There uh…there was an accident tonight and I need to talk to you dude. We are all meeting at Overlake Hospital in Seattle. It uh… it was Candey and Noah man. Call me.” The message ended and I hit replay again and looked to Tayla.

“Noah and Candey were in an accident?” I ask and move to sit beside her and palm her chin so she’ll  look at me. “Tayla, talk for fucks sake. Are they okay?”

She shakes her head no and more tears spill out. She falls into my side and my arms go around her immediately. “Are they dead?” I ask and it burns my throat to say those words.

“C-C-C-Candey….is.” She says and everything moves into slow motion from there.

Overlake Hospital.

Everyone is there.

“Tay we need to get to the hospital.” I say

*

The drive from Tacoma to Seattle was the longest of my life, and I spent half my time in a tour bus driving across the country. Tayla was beside me, googling the shit out of everything so far on the accident. This was Tayla in damage control. She was calling every press dick she knew, begging for favors, promising info if they would hold off.

This was why she was considered the best.

By the time we finally got to the hospital, she looked the part of the aggressive no bull-shit manager we hired in the beginning. Gone was the emotional wreck that came to tell me what had happened to our friends.

I grabbed her hand after locking the car and together we rushed through the emergency doors to the nurses triage station. “We’re here for Candey True and Noah Beckett.” I say to the nurse behind the glass.

“Have a seat.” Is all she says. She doesn’t even bother looking at me.

Bitch.

There is a reason I keep emotions hidden. That reason is because I cannot handle them. At all.

“No I need to get back there.” I am already panicking because this woman is keeping me from the people I love most in this world.

She looked at me then, disinterested and annoyed. She rolled her eyes and spoke to me as if I am a five year old and confused. “And I said, have a seat.”

I didn’t have a seat. Instead, I started yelling at the top of my lungs for Chad or Shame, hoping they could hear me through the two large doors blocking me from the ER.

“Mr. Dorian, please have a seat or I will have you escorted from my hospital.” Said the nurse.

This old bitch knew damn well who I was, knew how important Noah’s condition would be to me and still chose to dominate with her s power. “Look, if you won’t let me back there, can you at least call for Chad Blake, or Shamus James to come up here?” I’m desperate for this lady to hear the obvious worry in my voice and have a heart.

She laughs like the rude bitch she is. “You want me to just get on the hospital intercom and ask for Chad Blake and Shamus James to come to reception? And then should I call the police since it will be pandemonium in my hospital? How about you have a seat and I will let you back when it clears out?”

She didn’t even wait for my reply, dismissing me like I didn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter who I am, in her position she should have compassion and understand the dire place most are in when asking to be let through. It’s an ER… nothing good ever happens in an ER and there shouldn’t be a ruthless bitch without compassion working there.

Before I can say anything to her and let her have it, I hear Chad yelling for me to hold on and then seconds later he’s eyeballing this bitch. I know it, because I can see it on her face.

I can hear Shame demand to let me through as this old bitch snidely asks if he is leaving. It’s hearing Chad, practically begging to let me through. that must have made Shamus snap. Other than Noah himself, Shame is a pretty intimidating guy. Tall, tatted and always wearing a look of cockiness and determination. Listening to him let this chick have it though…was pretty fucking rad.

The doors open and me and Tay come rushing through, Tay slowing only enough to look at the nurse before we continue on. “Bitch.” She says it loud enough for the nurse to hear it, but Shamus wasn’t even close to done with her considering he stayed to lay her out a little more while we followed Chad.

I watched as Tayla rushed to Carrie and Cassa and both of them started crying again. This was when it hit me… It changed everything I ever thought I knew about the world.

*

It had been two days since Candey died. Two days since she was ripped from this world and destroyed the life of my best friend. We had no clue if Noah would know what happened, what the extent of his head injuries were. We were left to wait for him to come too before we knew exactly what our next move was.

Tayla was off handling the public, being the face of TAT, while we all sat vigil waiting. We all looked and felt like shit, but had literally not left his side. If we weren’t in his room- we were in the waiting room. Whatever Shamus did to that nurse was epic, because all of TAT was here. Roadies, drivers, light crew, sound crew, a few of the guys from Slave to the Needle, Seth and Lilly and our PR staff, accountants, record label and of course Tayla.

My concern wavers between Noah’s health and whether or not Tayla has slept in two days. She has been planning the press release for tonight, making it clear what is and isn’t allowed. Shame is speaking on behalf of TAT. Our fans are loyal and since the word got out about the accident, a nonstop candle light vigil has gone on outside of the hospital. They need to see one of us, speak on the accident and we all agreed Shame was the best choice. Chad is taking this the hardest for obvious reasons and like it or not, accept it or not, I come off emotionally retarded in situations involving …well…emotion.

I don’t mean to be that way. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism, maybe I just don’t know how, but I am not unemotional. The only time I have been outside of this hospital in the last two days, was a few hours after arriving. I don’t know what I expected. Maybe I thought he was asleep but would wake up any minute. Maybe I thought that waiting would keep me from thinking. Maybe I thought it would all make sense once I was there and living it. Regardless, I left because I was breaking down from the inside out and I couldn’t let anyone see that. I walked as fast as I could to my car and fell apart.

I cried for Candey. I cried for the band. I cried for Noah, all the shit he would have to face…and I cried for Tay because she was the only one I wanted in that personal moment. I cried because I was alone.

That moment alone in the car made it possible to sit here now, waiting. The doctor said that his brain waves are strong and it’s most likely his minds way of protecting him from what he may know, or at least from the pain from the injuries. I think he’s just tired. This is Noah Beckett…he isn’t the weak type. His mind is filled with memories already that would have broke the strongest of men.

My mind wanders to my love for Tayla, the way I deny it and pretend it isn’t real. If our situations were reversed, I think I would probably shut down too.

My mind on things that terrify me, and a game of Candy crush on my phone, I am snapped out of my thoughts by Shames hand slapping my leg. “Get the nurse or doctor or some shit.” He says and stands, making his way to Noah’s bed. “Grab Chad too.” He says and I see Noah coming too.

Shamus

I stood off to the side of the area Tayla had set up for the press conference. We were outside in a less populated area across from the hospital, and for good reason. To avoid complete pandemonium in the hospital we decided to hold the press conference in a small park just across the street. Journalists as well as reporters for local news,
TMZ,
reps for
MTV
and
E
and
VH1
were all present. Behind them were countless numbers of people; all fans here showing their support. The world knew what happened, Tay had made a few statements on our behalf, but tonight I was speaking for all of Thick as Thieves.

Once Tayla had set the ground rules for what will and will not be answered, as well as stating that I will give our statement before questions, she left the stage and I took the microphone.

“As you all know, my name is Shamus James and I am the drummer for our band Thick as Thieves. I hope you’ll bear with me. We didn’t want this scripted as it’s not our style and with all the emotions and worry I’m not at my best. So, if you’ll excuse that, it is greatly appreciated.”

I feel like a beehive is in my chest, it’s anxiety of everything from Candey passing, to Noah waking, to my nuptials earlier. I am exhausted, emotionally spent and somewhere in all of it, I am blessed. I look out over the enormous crowd, and just like when I’m on stage behind my drums, seeing them, it calms me.

“Saturday night at eleven-forty-three pm, Candey Love True, passed away in the arms of her true love, Noah Beckett. Noah, the bassist for Thick as Thieves, and the brother of my heart, has asked me to thank each of you for the prayers, the condolences and the support. He feels it from each of you and though he is broken over his loss, he loves you all so much.”

I clear my throat as Noah’s voice comes back through my memory from right before I came to the press conference. He’d asked me to speak on his behalf, as well as Cal and Chad, and fuckin’ A right I will.

“The extent of Noah’s injuries and his expected recovery will undoubtedly put our album release on the back burner for now, but I assure you that TAT will be back, bigger and stronger, than ever. As for the personal hit we took loosing Candey, we all need to get on a more emotionally level ground and it will take us some time.

This came on the eve of Chad and Carrie’s wedding night, but I am to inform you all that they are honored to have had Candey with them that day and that her memory will forever live on through their daughter Noelle True Blake.

We will keep you all informed in the process of Noah’s health, but the Doctors say he is expected to make a full recovery…” I pause and question if I should say what I want, and decide to be brutally honest.

“We all agreed that we would give our fans one hundred percent all the time. This is no different. Noah’s injuries consist of both lungs punctured, as was his spleen and there is a tear in his liver. His head wounds were minor compared to his gravely injuries, but he is awake and doing remarkable.

I want you all to know that Noah tried to save Candey. He used his body as a shield trying to keep her from any injuries, and knowing how bad the wreck was, he would have lost his own life for hers. Candey sustained only one injury in the accident and unfortunately it was to her neck and she died on impact. We are thankful that it was fast and that she didn’t suffer, but wish there could have been mercy on them both in the end.

Regardless, to us, and I speak on behalf of Cal ad Chad as well as my girl Cassa and Carrie Blake, that Noah Beckett is and will always be the hero in this tragedy and that our support of him is limitless and we hope you all feel the same. Thank you.”

I walk away from the podium and go to Tayla. “No questions Tay. I barely got through that, and that was more than enough.”

I walk to Cassa and let her wrap around me, though she is so small, she is my rock and I need her right now. Tayla doesn’t fight me on the choice to leave without questions, and I stand beside Cassa, out of view and am joined by Chad, Mike and Roni and Cal to watch Tayla wrap up so we can all get back inside to Carrie and Noah.

“Sorry to cut this short, but this has been hard on my guys and they aren’t ready for questions.” You would never guess that she was as effected as us in this. She looked the part of the cut throat manager and she gave that to the press and dared them to argue. One prick wouldn’t let it go though.

“Well they take that chance being in the public eye. It’s their job to be in the spotlight whether life is hard or not. Their fans, who are devoted, deserve more than a few words of thanks and his opinion.”

Tayla, calm and cool, smiled for the thousand flashes going off. What she said though…was epic. “Opinion or not, he had the decency to come down here and look you all in the face and thank you, providing enough information that their fans will understand. TAT is loved sir. They have a huge following of loud proud fans and they are loyal. The loyalty of those fans has little to do with the music they make, but more so the type of men they are and how they are with their fans. They interact; they never deny autographs or complain about pictures or greeting fans after a thirty hour flight and six months away from home.
All
of their personal lives have played out to the world because they give one hundred percent of them as people, one hundred percent of the time. The deserve peace and respect right now…” She pauses to get a good look at the douche bag who called us out. “Paul is it? From Rock N Roll news? I’ll be sure to give Simon Lake, your employer, a call and the scoop when it’s readily available. I think it’s more than a little fair to ask for some personal time don’t you?” She asks and the crowd, all the way in the back where the fans are, scream and chant ‘TAT forever’ as Tayla leaves the podium.

We all make our way up to ICU where Carrie and Noah are waiting. I feel that beehive come back to my chest, unable to forget his eyes when he woke up. The pleading that came from every fiber of his being…his eyes on me…

“Hey.” I say and see him panic some at the sight of the tube down his throat. He goes to reach for it but I stop him and shake my head. “Cal went to get the nurse, just chill a sec yeah?”

I watch…literally watch as his eyes scan the room. Slowly he takes in the flowers, the various food containers from all of us being in and out and then those sad eyes land on me and I watch him realize it all was real. I know he knows because he shakes his head no and looks at me with a pleading look. He is begging me to tell him he was dreaming. I want to lie so bad right now because I can’t be the one that essentially confirms his worst nightmare. I am reminded of all the times over the last few months that Noah told me true, no matter how bad it hurt or gutted me to know I was wrong. Gutted me to know he had my girls back in her darkest hours. I could not lie to him.

I sit down and pull close and take his hand in mine because I need him to feel some kind of connection to all he has fighting for him. In this moment I am TAT, Carrie, Noelle and every damn fan praying for him.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking Noah, but I can guess.”

He shakes his head no so rapidly that the tubes sending oxygen through his nose slips free and gets tangled in the tube down his throat. I can hear him trying to wail and fight me and I am so fucking wrecked right now it is hard to look at him.

But I do.

I look him square in the eyes, eyes that are crying, wet and red and I watch him losing the control he so desperately needs to survive.

“I’m so sorry Noah.” I say and feel tears fall from my own eyes and for the first time in my life I am not ashamed. “It’s true bud im so fucking sorry.”

I hear him crying out and it is broken and sounds painful because of the ventilation tube. His hands are going to his chest and I know it must hurt to cry with the trifecta of surgeries he has undergone. But though he feels the physical he is only concerned by the mental fuck he is receiving, knowing she is gone.

I’m snapped from the memory as we follow Chad into the room, but we all kind of shuffle into one another because he stops abruptly at Carrie’s words.

“Hold on a minute babe.” She says, and like before, I tune out everything else and watch Noah. His heart is beating but he is dead. Rotting from the inside out, and everyone else is refusing to acknowledge it, because we all know he won’t be back.

“No, we are all going to do this round.” Chad says in a tone I have never heard him use before with Carrie. He isn’t leaving room for argument and I have no clue what we are all about to do. “This is a family feud round.”

The only game I can think of, that any of us would play at a time like this makes my stomach sink, but I pull Cass in tight and sit her on my lap and take a seat on the left side of his bed.

Cal and Tayla as well as Seth and Lilly are surrounding the bed, and Carrie is holding his hand. “So…” She says and her voice cracks. “In this world…” She shakes her head and wipes at her tears. “Cans is here, sitting beside you with your hand in hers…and you awake from this awful nightmare where she left you…”

Trust me.

We are playing trust me, the game Noah invented when they were too small to understand the evil they survived and would live in for years.

I admit that it was genius on Noah’s part inventing this game, but right now it is too hard and think of a world where Candey isn’t gone. Its music that I think of as Noah stares off at the window like she isn’t talking. I know, as does everyone else, that he is hanging on to every word she is saying.

I’m singing songs in my head, trying to place all this fucked up shit in its place in my mind.
Joshua James ‘Crash this Train’
comes to mind and it is fitting.

Someone, God or anyone, crash this train. This is suffering to the N’th degree.

Sass takes my left hand and opens my palm, using her finger to write ‘I <3 U’ on the inside then touches the spot where my wedding ring should be, reminding me that I’m lucky.

Reminding me he is destroyed.

Like earlier, his suffering undoes me and tears fill my eyes. I am unashamed because everyone in this room, except Noah, is dripping tears. Even Cal keeps looking up at the ceiling as tears slip down his cheeks.

This isn’t just the loss of the woman we all loved as a sister, but it’s the loss of my hero Noah.

My hero, and the strongest man I know, is nothing more but a shadow. I think of everything he has overcome… and this is what will break him.

“She is forcing you to dance right now, to the dreaded country song playing in the tent…”

I look at Carrie, fighting for him with every word she speaks when Noah pulls his hand from hers and tries to sit up. The room goes eerily silent.

“No more.” He says, his voice is almost unrecognizable and I’m guessing it’s the damage from earlier.

A collective, but silent sigh is felt through the room, all of us relieved that we are done playing trust me. That shit is brutal and I know it’s all about protecting the mind from the truth… I see the truth as the only thing that has a shot at saving him. It’s what will force him to move forward. Not on, he’ll never move on, but life does and that game played where she is alive, well, it ain’t the way. “Can I have a minute?” He asks and we all nod, no one is talking through our tears. Cassa and Tay both go to Carrie and stand at her side because this had to have wrecked her. Cassa had been crazy close with Candey after being friends, then roommates…but to Carrie, well Candey had helped along side Noah before they had even fallen in love, helped bring her out of that damn shell. This game had to have ripped her to shreds.

I watch Cas then Tay lean down and kiss him, Cass on the cheek and Tayla on his head. Noah was never one to ignore these girls, he was the protector of them all, of all of us, and he looked numb, like he didn’t notice that they were there.

I go to the door after Cass moves to leave when I hear that painful voice. “Shame, stay a minute yeah?”

I halt and kiss Cassa quickly and then nod. “Sure man.” I play it cool because he doesn’t need me being a doter. He has enough doters. I take my seat and assume he will have Cal and Chad stay too…but as the room clears out other than Carrie…I’m confused, but also concerned.

“Go home Carrie.” He says to her, and for a small second I saw the flash of his soul in his eyes, the big brother in him reaching out to her knowing he is the only person who she will listen to, no matter what.