Save Me From Me (6 page)

I hate my job almost as much as I hate life lately. I wonder if everyone in these small towns are as miserable as I feel these days. They seem too fake and uppity for it to be real. I guess the simple life could make people happy, but I’m still trying to figure it all out. I want my little piece of happy. Looking back on my life, I’m not even sure I had my happy when I had shit going for me. Maybe I was fake, pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I hate having these thoughts, especially while I’m stuck at work behind this shitty convenience store counter. “I’m not paying you to stand there and daydream, Danielle,” Joy says as she comes out from the kitchen area. Her name should have been Misery. It would have been a helluva lot more fitting. She likes to inflict misery everywhere she goes. “Oh, that’s right. I’m getting paid to stand here and be pretty instead.” I put on my big fake smile after smarting off. “It’s not like you’re the one cutting the checks anyways, Joy.” I roll my eyes and turn my focus to the truck at the gas pump. The door chimes and I don’t pay it any attention as I go back to stocking the wall of tobacco products.

I see Gage pull into the gas station driving my truck and his truck pulls in right behind him. The tint on the windows of his silver Dodge is so dark that I can’t make out who’s driving it. I watch as he gets out, locks my doors, and makes his way to the entrance. His sly grin is something I’ve missed seeing. He’s wearing a pair of khaki shorts with a cut off pearl-snap shirt. His flip-flops show off fully tanned legs that I wouldn’t mind getting tangled in. His slightly overgrown hair sticks out the side of his baseball hat and his one-day-old scruff is just itching for me to rub my hands along his jaw.

“You didn’t have to lock it,” I say as he walks through the propped open door.

“You can never be too safe these days.” He winks.

I roll my eyes. “Yeah, whatever.”

“Well, it’s like new.” He smiles. “Well, it is new. I replaced your alternator.”

“How much do I owe you?” I bend down behind the counter to grab my purse. He sticks his hand out to stop me.

“No, Danielle. You don’t owe me anything. It was my pleasure. Promise.”

“Promise?” I ask, double-checking that we are good.

“Yes, promise.” He smiles at me as he sticks his pinky out for one of our pinky promises that we used to do when we were younger. As I link my finger with his and lightly shake, I can’t help the flood of emotions that come back to me about dealing with everything Gage. He was a huge part of my life back then. All of my firsts are wrapped up in him, nicely wrapped up into the grown, sexy, rugged, country boy that is no longer a boy.

“Who’s driving your truck?” I ask as I pull my pinky away to break the contact along with the thoughts I’m having.

He looks back as if trying to see if it’s even noticeable before answering. “It’s just a friend.” He shrugs and then leans over the counter. “You getting off soon?” He glances past me to the clock that’s hanging on the wall.

I turn around as well, unaware of the time. “In about two hours.”

“Do you have any plans?”

Shit. I’m not really sure if I should be hanging out with him. Hell, that’s the whole reason I avoided him like the plague every time I’d step foot into town or when visiting my parents. It was hard, and it didn’t work out every time.

I look back towards the kitchen area and see Joy giving me the death glare, which is her typical face no matter what. The old lady needs to get laid, I swear. I look back at Gage and see the hope in his eyes. I know he’s missed me and I have him too, but we can’t go back to what we had. It will never work. But I can at least be friends with him.

“Yeah, I’m going to the dock.” I instantly smile when I think about getting the hell out of here and going out there. When I look back on my life, most of my happy times involve going to the dock. It’s especially where I like to go to think about my dad.

“Alright.” He smiles as he slaps the counter and walks off, glancing back one last time with the biggest grin ever. I watch as he goes and jumps in his truck and I can’t help but still wonder who was driving. He said a friend. I know all the same people he does. Meaning, he could have said the name of the friend, but chose not to. He has no reason to hide anything from me. It’s not as if we’re a couple. Whatever. It does me no good wondering about it. It won’t get my job here done any faster.

Two hours later, I’m clocking out and heading home to get the one possession I treasure more than anything else. The last pricey gift my dad bought me, my camera. It might almost be seven-years-old, but it was spanking brand new and top of the line when my dad got it for my twenty-first birthday. He was the only one who ever encouraged my picture taking passion as a child. Every chance he had, he bought me anything picture related, whether it be film, photo books, or even frames. He used to tell me that photography was in my blood and that I needed to pursue it. I told him he was just a crazy old man and that there was no way I could make any decent living off of a silly dream.

“What good is livin,’ Dani Jo, if we ain’t pursuing our dreams? They’re instilled into our soul for a reason, Doll face.”

I’ll never forget him telling me that when I took off to college to become some big shot. I didn’t fully get the chance to actually become a big shot, but I sure was a better shot than I am now. I let my dream go ten years ago, and I let go of what my life had become the day my dad died. Dreams don’t come true. This isn’t Disney World. You can’t Photoshop your life, crop all the ugly and pain out of it, and throw in some flowery background with everyone smiling. No, instead, life glares at you, holding a steady gaze, reminding you of what you used to have, and telling you to kiss your dreams goodbye.

So, when I have had enough of life, and want to give it the big middle finger, I go out to the one spot that will always be my sanctuary. A place my daddy used to take my brother and me fishing when we were kids. The dock, as I’ve always called it, has always been my favorite place to snap shots. I have so many of my dad and brother fishing because I knew I would always want to hold those memories precious and have a piece of them forever.

I leave my truck running as I rush inside. I’m really hoping my sister isn’t here because the last thing I want to do is get into another knock down drag out with her.

My mom’s car isn’t in the drive but when I walk in, she’s sitting on the couch.

“Hey, Mom,” I say as round the couch for my room, grab my camera, and head for the front door.

“Hey, DJ. I know you told me you were staying at Tyler’s, but I was still worried when I didn’t hear from you.”

I stop and sit down next to her. “They called me into work at the ass crack of dawn. I just got off, but it’s so pretty out that I figured I’d go to the dock to take some pics.” I hold up my camera. “Where’s your car?” I ask, remembering it isn’t here, and from the looks of it, neither are my siblings.

My mom sighs. “I let Brandy take off in it last night after you left. It was the only way she said she wouldn’t call the cops on you.” She looks at me. “I don’t want her getting you into any kind of trouble.” I see sadness in her eyes. I’m beyond pissed that my sister used me to get her way with our mom, and that my mom gave in.

“Screw her, Mom! Screw Brandy! You should have let her call the cops on me. They would have taken one look at her cranked out self and laughed. Don’t worry about me. I can deal with whatever bullshit she dishes. You need to put her in her place.”

“I know. I know. It’s just not that easy. You don’t get it, Dani Jo.” She only uses the middle name when she’s trying to make a point. I get it, but it doesn’t mean that it’s okay.

“Right, the whole mother-child loyalty card, right? You will feel responsible if something bad ever happens to her. Right? You feel that if you keep letting her walk all over you that it will all work out and she will change her scandalous ways. Right? Well, wrong, Mom. It won’t. It won’t change a thing. In fact, all it will do is have the reverse effect on her. Hell, even on Billy, too.” I don’t sit around to wait for her to take up for them like she continues to do. “I’ll see you later. I don’t need to be here when Brandy shows up. I don’t do well with threats. Especially when people threaten my momma.”

She just nods before I pull her in for a hug. “I love you, Dani Jo.”

“Love ya, too, Momma,” I say before taking off.

From where I’m sitting near the lake, I hear Gage pull in and slide to a stop on the gravel. I just shake my head, picturing him being in such a rush to get here and skidding to a stop. I watch as he jogs his way towards me with a six-pack in one hand, and sits down beside me.

“Better not open one of those anytime soon.” I point to the beer.

He looks down. “Oh, yeah, I didn’t really put too much thought into the whole running with beer idea. I was just kind of in a hurry.” They say actions are louder than words, but sometimes the reverse is true. I could tell he was in a hurry to get down here, but hearing him say it and confirming my thoughts makes me all giddy. I don’t want to be flipping giddy.

Time passes and the sun starts to set while we sit drinking, and catching up on lost time.

“I’m surprised they haven’t sold this place yet,” Gage says.

“Me, too. I hope they never do. I’ll lose my favorite spot in the world.”

“Maybe they’ve forgotten about it. I mean whoever owns this lot has never done anything with it. I’m sure the dock was here when they bought it. It’s not like many people even know about it, so maybe they’ll just keep it as is,” Gage says, popping the tab on the last beer.

“Fingers crossed.” I smile at him as I cross my fingers. It would literally break my heart if they ever sold this place.

“I’ve missed you like crazy.” Gage’s admission comes out just above a whisper.

I bump my shoulder into his. “I know.” I sigh. “I’ve missed you, too.” I have missed him. I loved him. He was and is the only man I have ever loved. I’ve tried with others, but it never happened. I think I’m messed up. I was trying to be someone that I wasn’t to escape the reality of my life and to seal my future far away from this black hole of boredom. Sometimes you need to get away from all the mundane you grew up with. You need to prove to yourself that you can do it, and then, once you realize all the hype and buzz isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, you can come back. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy the city life, because I did. If my dad were still alive, I’d still be living that life, but now that I’m back, I see that, in all reality, it’s not any better than being here. There’s just way more bullshit to preoccupy your mind to make you believe you are truly happy.

“I should have went with you.” He bumps my shoulder back.

“I should have stayed,” I admit as I stay resting against his shoulder.

“Do you ever wonder what could have happened with us? Because I do every fucking day.”

It hurts me knowing the feelings he still has for me. Do I still care about him? Yes, of course, but not to the extent he does.

“Yes, I do but we can’t change the past. It is what it is. And we can’t live in it either. That won’t move us forward. Living on lost hopes, dreams, and what-ifs is pointless. Sometimes life just sucks, and we have to roll with it. Constantly fighting against the current is so tiring.” I bend forward to lean over my propped up legs. The sun is lowering behind the tree; the sky is a beautiful shade of pinks and yellows. I quickly grab my camera, not wanting to miss capturing the beautiful scenery.

“You’ve always had a thing with cameras. What’s the deal with you and taking pictures?” he asks in an almost an annoyed tone. Some people just don’t get it. I get that, but it’s a passion. And that’s the part they should understand. Everyone has a passion. Some take longer than others to be found, but once you unlock it, you should never let anyone try to confine it.