Scared of Forever (Scared #2) (18 page)

“That was my plan
when I woke up this morning. The thing is, I don’t know that that’s
actually the way I feel anymore. It’s like I’m caught in the
middle, and I don’t know how to get out. I don’t want to hurt
Blake.”

Blake was my first
everything: my first real love. My first, well,
that
.
The first man who made me feel like a grown woman. The first man I’d
ever lived with aside from my father. But being with Tyler, I had
discovered something so different. I had discovered how it feels to
be friends, and then lovers. In just a few weeks, I had learned how
it felt to fall in love with your best friend. How feelings and sex
are so completely amplified when you feel truly connected to someone.
And that connection has me seriously questioning the depth of what
Blake and I have.
Had
.

“Don’t marry him,”
Tyler says, eyes pleading.

“Tyler,” I sigh.

Without a word, he
picks me up and lifts me onto the barstool next to the kitchen
counter. He kisses me softly on my neck. Though I should protest, my
whole body completely surrenders under his touch. He unbuttons my
shirt, discarding it to the floor below and does the same thing after
unhooking my bra. He runs his tongue slowly over the bare flesh of my
breasts, stopping only to take each nipple gently into his mouth. My
body quivers in response. My fingers grip the counter behind me, and
I can feel my underwear clinging to the wetness between my thighs. My
body throbs in anticipation of his presence there. Tyler lifts me off
the chair and slowly removes the clothing covering my lower half. His
eyes close briefly as he takes in my naked form.

His hands close around
my waist, and in one swift motion, places me back onto the stool.
Without warning, he moves down lower and lower and even lower still,
his lips leaving delicate kisses down my waist, my stomach, my
thighs.

My body jolts
involuntarily as his tongue finds the soft folds between my legs. He
stops and looks up, meeting my eyes, affirming that I’m enjoying
what he’s doing. Lust, sincerity, happiness, all of that and more
are there in those brown and green eyes. He moves his head back to
the task at hand.
Err, mouth
.
His tongue works slowly, with purpose, flicking gently against my
clitoris. Monitoring my every movement, he responds with more speed,
more purpose, as he feels my body writhe increasingly harder against
his mouth. Just when I think I can’t feel any more alive, any more
fucking good, Tyler slides a finger into me, then another. He never
removes his mouth. His fingers and his mouth work in perfect
synchronicity, building me up to an earth-shattering climax.

I throw my head back,
and Tyler’s free hand grips my thigh. His tongue and fingers push
deeper, harder. He raises his eyes, fixing them on my face.
He
wants to see me come
. See the fruits of his labor. Waves
build within me, each one bigger than the last, until finally my body
convulses in Tyler’s hands, in his mouth. Blinding ecstasy
absolutely obliterates my vision. His eyes never left my face.
Watching every spasm, relishing every moan.

Tyler releases me from
his touch and stays kneeling, his chin resting on my knees. I am
completely and utterly speechless. Eventually, he breaks the silence.

“Are you lost for
words?” he asks with a smile.

“I think I am,” I
say with a laugh. I reach down and pull him up towards me. “I don’t
regret it. Not even a little. You need to know that.” I brush an
errant brown lock from the middle of his forehead. “Don’t think
I’m weird, or anything, but do you want to brush your teeth before
I kiss you?” I ask, pulling my face away.

Tyler throws his head
back, laughing. “That depends on you,” he says. “What would you
usually do?”

“I—um—I don’t
really know,” I say, blushing furiously. “I’m normally on the
giving end.”

“Wait, have you
never—?” Tyler asks, genuinely shocked.

“Is it bad if I say
no?” I say, averting my eyes. “Truthfully, I was a virgin until
four and a half months ago,” I admit sheepishly. “And honestly, I
think last night was the first time I ever had an—”

“Ever?” he says
questioningly, raising an eyebrow.

“Don’t make me say
it. It makes me sad,” I say with a feigned pout.

Tyler looks away and
then meets my eyes, sincerity filling his. “All the more reason why
I wish I had met you six months ago.” A pang of longing fills me. I
realize that I wish he had, too. “But I’m glad I was your first
something
.”

“So, that was kind of
one-sided,” I observe, sliding my hand down to the elastic in his
pants.

“Emily,” he says
taking my hand. “Our relationship is not quid pro quo. That was
about you, and us together. Not about me. Seeing you, like that,
that’s better than anything else. Although,” He shoots me a
stupid grin. “The red-blooded male in me says that you should feel
free to repay me in whatever way you see fit. But the best way is for
you to stay with me today. And let the day decide for itself.”

So I do.

I
couldn’t let her go
. I really wanted to save her the
guilt and confusion, but I was selfish.
I
know I am
. She does repay my favor, infinitely. An hour
later, she’s straddling me, sending me half fucking crazy, into
blissful oblivion. I drown in her like I have never experienced
before. My arms wrap around her waist, holding on for dear life, not
wanting to let her go. Wanting to keep her safe. From my brother, my
mother, everybody. Wanting to protect her from the truth that I know
will eventually be told. What happens in the dark, always presents
itself in the harsh light of day. Photography taught me that.
Exposure is inevitable
.

I should have told her
about Blake and Aria before all this happened. But I was scared;
scared that she would paint me with the same ugly brush.
I’m
nothing like Blake.
I was selfish, but only because I
wanted to see her happy. And here in my arms, I’ve never seen her
more content. Or more alive.

Standing in my kitchen,
wearing my white t-shirt, I lean back against the couch and enjoy
this moment. When it ends, she will walk next door, back to Blake.
Who doesn’t deserve her
.
The thought makes me want to punch something.
Namely,
my asshole of an older brother.
I resolve to tell her
before she leaves.

“Is there anything
edible in this place?” Emily calls, head in the fridge. “Energy
drinks and microwave popcorn don’t qualify.”

“And all this time,
I’ve been eating and drinking that stuff, thinking it did,” I
quip.

“Very funny,” she
says looking up and rolling her eyes.

How she did it I will
never know, but with one frozen chicken breast, some frozen wontons,
a can of corn, and some eggs, Emily managed to make an amazing
Chinese chicken noodle soup. “How the hell did you learn to cook
like this?” I ask, truly astounded.

She shrugs modestly.
“Dad worked away a lot, so most of the time I had to figure stuff
out on my own. Amazing what the Internet can teach you,” she says.

“I’m impressed,”
I say.

“Of all the things
that happened today, that’s what impresses you? What a truly male
thing to comment on,” she laughs.

“Not at all,” I
say, leaning down to kiss her shoulder. “I wasn’t trying to sound
chauvinistic, although I can see why you would think that. You do at
least one thing every day that amazes me a little. And not many
people can do that. I’ve been around.”

“I’m sure you have.
That’s my cue,” she says with a cheeky smile.

“Again, not what I
meant,” I say pulling her onto my lap. I take a deep breath.
“Leave,” I say softly. “Leave New York with me. I know it’s
impulsive, and spontaneous, but I don’t want to go away unless I
take you with me.”

“Tyler,” she
breathes, looking sadly into my eyes. “It’s not that easy. I
mean, you have the ability to up and leave. It’s actually your
job
to. But I don’t. I owe Blake more than that.”

“You don’t owe him
anything,” I say, angry at the situation.

“He hasn’t done
anything to deserve what we just did to him,” I say quietly.

That was
my
cue, but I say nothing about Blake and Aria. Or what happened last
night.

“I can treat you
better than he can. I don’t have to guess or feel guilty about it.
I know you’re happier with me. Tell me that’s not true,” I say.
“Say it Emily. Say it, and I will walk away.”

“
No
,”
she whispers.

Without another word,
she dresses, kisses me softly on the cheek, and walks out, closing
the door quietly behind her. I drop my head into my hands.
I
should have told her.
I knew I should have. But now, I
knew about Blake and Aria, and I still slept with her, without
telling her about any of it. I know my intentions were true, but she
won’t see it that way. How could she? She will see just another
Carson man who denied her the truth, and chose to take her to bed
instead.

I can’t stay home
today. I go for a run, both in Central Park and then for another half
hour on my treadmill. My thoughts still stay fixed on Emily.

I need to get away from
this craziness.
Need some kind
of a distraction
. Something to stop me from hearing Blake
come home, next door. Stop me from counting down the minutes until he
is with her. I’m not usually a jealous person. I like to live and
let live, cruising my way through life. But that all changed when I
fell for Emily. I dial a number on my phone. Moments later, I steer
my Jeep in the direction of Providence.

Driving into the Brown
campus is like going back in time. I remember entering the grounds
for the first time and standing in awe of the majestic buildings, the
beautiful architecture, and the extremely hot college women. But I
had felt so disconnected from it all, like this really wasn’t the
place for me.

Now I wonder,
how
different would I have been if I had taken this path?
Fuck
that. I would have become Blake.
And
if I did, I’d probably off myself as a result of the misery.
Pulling into the parking lot, I see Jackson sitting on the bleachers
next to the basketball courts, immersed in something on his phone.

Walking over, I’m
still trying to decide if this was a good idea or not. He stands when
he sees me and walks over, shaking my hand and giving me a shoulder
bump. “Wasn’t expecting you to call,” he says, in the
nonchalant way that men speak to each other.

“Was in the mood for
a game of ball,” I reply. “And you threw the offer out—”

“It’s cool,” he
says. “Maia is out with our friend, Jade. Shopping is not really my
thing. You did me a solid by calling, actually.”

We play for an hour. I
take no prisoners, barreling my way through the court. Luckily,
Jackson can keep up with my hormone-induced tirade. By the time the
‘friendly’ one-on-one game finishes, we’re both breathless and
sweating.

Sitting on the
bleachers, Jackson tosses me a bottle of water. “So, things didn’t
work out with Emily?” he drops, knowingly.

“What makes you think
there’s something going on with her?”

“I’m perceptive!”
Jackson scoffs. “That, and Maia told me. Plus, from the way you
tried to kill me on the court, it’s either ‘roid rage, or a
girl.” He grins widely.

“It’s not going to
work out. Emily is engaged to my brother. It was a stupid mistake on
my part. I don’t know what I was really thinking,” I say
dismissively, tying to play down my present emotional condition. “Now
I’ve just managed to confuse her.”

“Well, if you want my
opinion on your brother—”

“I thought you were
friends?” I interject.

“He is, was, Maia’s
friend. But after all the shit that Emily told her, even she doesn’t
really want anything to do with him.”

“Like what?” I say,
my curiosity instantly piqued.

“Man, I don’t know.
That’s girl talk! Aside from the fact that she’s engaged to your
brother, what else is stopping you?”

“That’s not a good
enough reason?” I laugh.

“Sure,” Jackson
scoffs. “But sooner or later she will realize what an asshat Blake
is all on her own. You’d just be saving her some time. You could
have her if you wanted. I saw the way she looked at you. I’m all
for loyalty, but I’m even more in favor of happiness. Dude, I’m
telling you, she’s never looked at Blake like that.”

“I know that. But
regardless, it’s still fucked up. Even though I know...” I trail
off, unsure if it is wise to proceed.