Scared of Forever (Scared #2) (25 page)

I nod, and as I do, the
doorbell rings.

“That’s her now,”
my mother says.

“Here?” I ask. “How
did you know that I’d come here?”

“No time like the
present to begin. Besides, I needed both of you to sign the paperwork
for Sadie’s trust.” She shoots me a small smile as she walks to
the door. “Plus, you’ve always liked to know the answers to
everything, I guessed you would come straight here after what Emily
told me. And it was a good guess.” Eliza Carson smiles placidly at
me.
She actually fucking smiled
without an ulterior motive!
I’m floored.

Emily and I sit across
from each other on my mother’s opulent suede armchairs. Eliza gets
us to sign the paperwork, asking Emily if she would prefer a lawyer
to review it first.

“No, that’s okay
Eliza. It’s very generous of you. Thank you,” she says to my
mother.

“You’re welcome,”
my mother replies, smiling and giving her shoulder a squeeze. “I’ll
leave you two to talk,” she says before her high heels clop down
the marble hallway.

I stare after her,
still shocked. “It must be you,” I say softly to Emily. “You
even managed to turn
her
into
a human being.”

“Not me,” Emily
replies with a smile. “Sadie did that.”

Emily’s face, her
neck, everything appears just as I had memorized it. She looks tired
now, though. And her breasts seem to have doubled in size. Not that I
was looking, but they were hard to miss. We sit in awkward silence
for a few minutes. Eventually, I work up the nerve to speak.

“Emily, I swear to
you that I would have been here. I would have flown in from anywhere
in the world to be here for you. Dropped everything. I wouldn’t
have even cared if Sadie was Blake’s.”

Her face is hard and
resolute at first. Sitting here in this awkwardness, it softens a
little. “I know, Tyler,” she says softly. “But I can’t unlive
the last year just because you’re home now. I can’t believe after
five minutes at home that you are going to be here permanently. Will
you leave again? I can’t honestly say that you won’t. I would
never deny you being a part of Sadie’s life. But I’m not ready to
let you back into mine yet. And you can’t just walk in and expect
that.”

“Yet?” I repeat
hopefully. “And I don’t expect you to just let me back into your
life. I know it won’t be that easy. But if I can try, I do know
that it will be worth it.”

“You,” she says,
tears glistening in her eyes. “You were an idiot for not realizing
how much I cared about you. Would I have sacrificed my engagement for
any other reason? Nothing can replace the way I feel about you, even
now. The only feeling stronger is the love I have for Sadie. But when
someone you love so much, hurts you so completely, the pain runs
deep. Blake’s lying and cheating, the hurt of that didn’t compare
at all to finding you gone.”

I walk over and lean
down at her knees apprehensively. She may kick me in the face, but I
take the chance and let her continue to speak.

“When I imagined
having my first child, I imagined lying in bed at night and placing
his or her father’s hand on my belly to feel the kicks, the same
hand holding mine when I was giving birth.” Tears stream down
Emily’s face, and I want nothing more than to kiss each and every
one of them away. “Maia came stroller shopping, and I broke down
because I couldn’t decide on a fucking color. Even if Sadie was
Blake’s, I didn’t want to make that stupid decision alone.”

I always saw Emily, the
real Emily. But the woman in front of me amazes me even more. I took
for granted the strength that she really possessed.

“Tell me what you
want me to do,” I say simply. “I’ll do whatever you want me to
do. Anything. I want to be with you and Sadie. If allowing me into
her life alone is all you can offer, I understand. But I guarantee
you that I will never stop fighting to be with you.” The moment is
so intense, so raw. My heart pounds violently in my chest, hope
igniting within me.

“I need time, Tyler.
To process all of this. To decide if you are an option that I want to
entertain again.”

I nod, and rest my head
on her knee. Relief floods through me. After a little while, she runs
a hand through my hair. From above, a tear falls from her eye and
lands on my cheek.

“I really don’t
want to hate you,” Emily says firmly. The word hate in reference to
me is heartbreaking to hear, to say the least.

“Hate is a strong
word,” I say quietly.

“It is,” she
replies. “I really don’t hate you, not at all. But if I’m
honest, there were moments, many moments in this last year, where I
disliked you. A lot. And I am still angry at you for not being here.
I’m even angrier for you coming back here after a whole year and
expecting me to just open the door to my life and let you back in, as
if you didn’t just miss a large and very important chunk of it.”

Desperation eats away
at me. I search the recesses of my mind, trying to find the right
words to say to get me out of this mess of my own creation. “Why
didn’t you call me?” The words leave my mouth feebly, and I
instantly realize that they were probably not the best choice.

“I picked up the
phone at least a dozen times a month. Once or twice, I even started
to dial. But every time I hung up. Because I still believed that you
had no idea about my pregnancy.” Tears stream down Emily’s
cheeks. “And I needed to believe that. I needed to believe that you
didn’t just know, and chose not to come back at all.”

“Somewhere deep
inside, maybe really deep inside, you already know the truth. You
know that I would never do that to you,” I reply hopefully.

Emily cups my face in
her hands.
Maybe it will be
okay.
It’s an ambitious thought, but it keeps me
positive. Until her hand connects with my left cheek in a resounding
slap. Her eyes betray her when I look, stunned, into them. She wanted
me to hurt, just a little. And I took it.
I
deserved it.
She leans down and kisses me softly and then
gets up and walks away. Without another word. Without any further
clarification.

It cuts like a knife.
The love in the kiss, and the pain in the slap. Her walking away from
me without any further explanation. And this is how I feel in a
minute. I realize what she did. She showed me how she felt, except
she felt it for a year. The feeling is fucking horrific.

Mac, Maia, and I have
started having a weekly lunch together. More recently, Maia’s
friend, Jade has joined. Jackson came once or twice. Really, it was
just a ruse. They didn’t want me at home moping, but then it had
become our thing. Jade stopped coming along, often because out of the
four of us, she was the only one who liked girls. She claimed that
checking out women alone in New York was no fun. Mac tried to help
her once, but all he did was comment on the knock-off designer
clothing that they all wore.

This Wednesday, it was
just Maia, Mac, and I.

“So, what happens
now?” Maia asks. Of the three of us, she’s the only one who was
still less than sympathetic towards Tyler.

“We’re working
things out. I need time to see how I feel about him being back. A
year is a long time. And a lot’s happened,” I reply. From her
stroller, Sadie lets out a small cry.

“See, even she thinks
that’s a bad idea!” Maia says stubbornly.

“Maia, I’m giving
him a chance. You took a chance on Jackson, and look where you guys
are now,” I reply. “Besides, I’m not letting myself get too
involved this time, until I’m sure.”

“
Pfft
,
please,” Mac says, rolling his eyes. “You were already ‘too
involved’ the minute you opened the door and saw him standing
there. Besides,” he continues, biting small pieces of his
bruschetta as he talks, “have you seen the man? I think someone may
be a little dick whipped. I mean, he must have a fucking magic bullet
if you’re still pining after a whole year!”

Maia slaps Mac across
the arm.

“Thanks, you saved me
the trouble,” I say to Maia. “Besides, when you’ve only ever
slept with two guys, he’s either the best, or the second best.”

“I have to go.” Mac
says suddenly, looking at his watch. “Janie will be pissed if I’m
late.”

He races off, and Maia
immediately turns her attention back to me, her brow creased with
concern.

“What?” I ask,
laughing and taking a bite of my focaccia.

“Emily, not even Mac
knows how devastated you were. I do. I just hope that this time is
different, and I hope you keep at least a little of your guard up.”

I shake my head. “I
was angry. I really wanted to hate him Maia, I did. But I can’t. I
owe it to myself and to my daughter to see where we end up. I can’t
go into this guarded. I won’t. But that doesn’t mean I’m
rushing to the altar or rushing to his bed. You think I don’t know
that Tyler could really break my heart, again? He called yesterday,
and we agreed that he would come and see Sadie soon. And as for the
rest, we’ll take it as it comes.”

“I admire your
courage,” she says with a smile.

“You know how they
say people are in your life for a reason or a season? Well, Blake was
one of those people. All the signs were there, and I ignored the
nagging thoughts, the suspicions. I willed them away. But my
relationship with Blake, however messed up I now realize it was, was
what opened my eyes to how amazing Tyler was. Is,” I say, popping a
French fry in my mouth. “My instincts told me to keep Sadie, and it
has been the greatest joy of my life. And now, they’re telling me
to give Tyler a chance. And I’m gonna trust them. And see what
happens.”

“Wow,” Maia says.
“Do you have any idea how proud I am of you right now?” She
reaches over and places a hand over mine. “Out of curiosity, how
dick whipped are you, exactly?”

“Let’s just say, on
a scale of one to ten, Tyler’s a two hundred!” I exclaim,
laughing. “Based on three sexual encounters!”

Maia laughs, and Sadie
giggles in her pram. And for the first time in a long time, I laugh
as well. I really, truly do. It’s not okay yet, but I believe that
it will be.

Mac takes it upon
himself, over the next few days, to pluck every wild hair from my
body, exfoliate all offending dry skin, and cover every tiny pimple
with salicylic acid pimple cream. Just in case. He justifies this
body overhaul by declaring me a dead zone for a year.

Tyler visits Sadie on
Thursday, turning up at my door with a ridiculously huge bunch of
half-deflated foil balloons.

“Too much?” he asks
with a grin.

“She’s three months
old,” I say with a laugh. “And I hate balloons,” I continue
with a frown.

“How can you hate
balloons?” he asks.

“They pop and make a
noise!” I rebut.

“I thought of that. I
figured the popping would scare Sadie, so I had the guy fill them
halfway with helium so they could just deflate on their own. Plus
they’re foil, so that reduces the poppage factor also.” He shoots
me a resplendent smile. “And I hired a pony for her first birthday.
The guy said they book out fast.”

“A pony?” I reply
incredulously. “Again, she’s only three months old, Tyler! And
besides, she’s going to grow up humble, not spoiled.”

“One cancelled pony
rental, coming up,” he says with a grin.

“Thank you,” I
laugh.

I let Tyler in and
allow my eyes to roam over his body, taking in his well-fitted jeans,
loose enough to be comfortable, but still tight enough to show just
an outline of his finer assets.
Lord,
I am severely dick whipped.
I had committed to a five date
rule in my mind, but I’m not going to last five minutes if I keep
having these indecent thoughts.

Tyler hasn’t picked
Sadie up yet. He said that she looked so delicate, so fragile. He was
scared he might hurt her. I had laughed and placed her into his arms
without hesitation. One day later, apparently the fear was gone, and
he was suddenly an expert. He convinces me to go out on a date with
him on Saturday. The word
date
sounds ridiculous, a little too juvenile for our situation, but I
agree nonetheless.

Saturday arrives at a
snail’s pace. Mac, as usual, insists on choosing my dress. You’d
think
he
was going
out on the date. When I called him out on it, his reply was short,
yet succinct.

“I’m living
vicariously through you. Now shut up, and get dressed.”

Tyler arrives at seven
pm on the dot. By that time, I’m practically climbing the walls.
Why couldn’t he be early?
He refuses to tell me where we’re going, until I see him pull into
the parking garage of his apartment building. I resist the urge to
question why.